I have been lurking here for a couple of weeks. I recently found out that my wife of 17 years is now a WW. I happened across some emails, and could not believe what I read. She has never talked that way to me in years. I wish she was doing the things to me that she was doing to the OM.

They say "I have never loved anyone like this." "I wish I had met you years ago." "You are my soulmate." They talk constantly of their plans of their new life together. This has been going on for about 4 months.Recently she told me she was moving out, out of the blue. She told me the standard "I love you but I'm not in love with you," "I really never have loved you," "I don't know why I ever married you." Citing stupid and minor reasons of why she should have left me in the past. When the time came to move, she decided to stay. It seems that there was a snag on the other end, OM, who is married also. However, the contact has not stopped. But there is now also now a co-worker that she had one non-intercourse encounter, and they are planning to do more soon.

I was blind to what was going on. I assumed she was just having her annual bout of Autumnal/winter depression. In hindsight, how could I have missed the signs? New clothes, hairdo, working out with a passion. No affection, coldness and indifference towards me. She also was carrying her cell with her everywhere. It didn't seem odd, because she travels, and is always in contact with customers. I now notice it does not leave her side, and she is very secretive about who is calling, and who she is constantly texting. I know who now.

I am a SAHD with 2 kids, 10 and 7. I don't smoke, do drugs, carouse bars, am non-violent loving father. I also love my wife very much. I have NEVER been unfaithful in our marriage, and am so hurt by this I am in total disbelief.

I have read about plan A and have been a stellar performer for 4 weeks. It is hard to do when you know what is being done to me! I have asked her several times, but she has not admitted to the A. I just sent an email to OMW, about their A, I did not here back from her, but I opened a hornets nest with the WW. She is out of town, but asked me about it. I have admitted to nothing, just as she has done.

I need some advice now on what to do when she gets home in a few days. The "false love" how are you doing phone calls to me have stopped cold. Did I do the right thing? Reading the forumns it says exposure is key. I hope I didn't push her out the door. I am also planning to confront the co-worker in two weeks with what I know, and tell him to stay away from WW. Is that a good idea? Or should I just call his wife first?

Please, board sages, help me with my confusion. Sorry for the ramble, it is hard to write through a river of tears.

Blind

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Let me just say this in answer to your question...No, you did not ruin your chance! You improved your chances more than you will ever know. Exposure is your best tool for putting pressure on the A to try to end it. As for this 2nd OM from work; I wouldn't confront him directly, at least not without witnesses (also called "backup"). Seriously, unless he is the main problem, don't spend a lot of energy on him.

Work on a good Plan A and do what you can to win her back by your actions. Avoid trying to fix what has happened by talking about it all the time. You can't get her to fall at your feet and beg forgiveness and promise it will never happen again by discussing it with her. A WS doesn't understand logic and can not be swayed by reason. Make being with you comfortable instead of something she wants to avoid.

Once the A is over and she has completed withdrawal, that is the time to begin discussion about how to "fix it" and even then, you need to have a real life first and work on it all second.

Yes, you did the right thing by letting OMW know that her marriage was in danger. Your WW is not happy about it, but she was already unhappy, right?

If you haven't already done so, try to get a copy of Surviving An Affair from this site or other place. I found one at my local library. Read it; study it! You may also want to read His Needs/Her Needs, but you could start with the Emotional Needs questionnaire from this site. Also look into Fall In Love/Stay In Love.

Be sure you know what to expect so that you don't have to react to everything she says and does. If you have a Plan and execute it properly, it will be working even when you don't see that it is.

If you haven't already read top few posts pinned to the top of this forum, do so. The info contained in them has much value.

If you don't get enough responses here, you can start a thread on the GQII forum. The traffic there is about a thousand times what it is here.

Sorry you are here, but it is a great place to be right now.

Mark

Mark-

Thanks for the reply. It will be extremely helpful to be amember of a community that can understand and guide someone with these problems. I don't have any family to turn to, and am new to this area, with no friends to confide in. That makes it especially hard for me. I will post over in the GIIQ forumn.

One question to you, the plan to expose OM2 would be to a pre-emptive strike to cut off any more damage before that A starts. I have email that details their upcoming meeting, and "activities" planned after. What would be the best way to handle?

BIT