I have been married for almost 13 years, 2 kids under 6. My STBXW had an A with another guy at work. I filed for D, because I found out that more happened than just the one time... It was a mistruth, a lie that I could not get past.

Fast forward to now.

There is no chance at all of reconciling. I do not wish, don't want it, and honestly, am glad she is out of my life.

I do not want anything to do with her, outside of taking care of the kids.

I have tried, sometimes very hard, to be the better part of what is going on. I haven't bad mouthed her to anyone I know, been honest about her, and tried very hard to be nice and civil to her. I have the kids more than her, they are my number one priority in my life, their welfare is paramount in everything I do.

Her on the other hand, seems to be living life on the party it up plan. Motherhood seems almost unimportant to her, the less she has the kids, the better her day seems to go. The nicer I am to her, the more I deal with her, she gets angry and mean. I have heard from people that she is less than truthful about me, saying we are divorcing because I was abusive, beat her all the time. I never touched her in anger in all the time I have ever known her, the fact she tells these lies to people I once invited into my house, called friends and family, hurts me deeply.

Over and over again, I hear that I should tell my side to those she has talked to. I care nothing about her friends, I haven't seen them since I found out, but her family, it troubles me.

I ask this... Why should I tell them? I know her mother and step father know, but her father and family I strongly believe have been told what is not true.

What good would come from telling them? It seems almost something someone would do out of spite or malice, an eye for an eye. Telling her family would anger her, and I wonder how long it would take before she starts using the kids to make me mad back, you know, the typical use the kids to get back at the X.

Many, many betrayed husbands hear this threat. I've heard it myself, as well as drug use. Someone once told me that my WW would say that I beat her everyday and smoked crack with my daughter after I exposed her A and confronted. My WW threatened something very close. I blew it off.

You know the truth, you have taken the high road so far. Your sig line has an integrity quote. Integrity is doing the right thing, EVEN WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING. That's you right now. Take the high road, maintain your dignity. You still have it - shine it in front of her. It will be your best revenge.

When you are ready, send a letter or e-mail to her family. Keep it short and simple. No details, just a few facts.

Let them know while you had hoped they would be getting the truth about the D, your sources tell you that inaccurate stories have been passed to them as truths. This hurts you deeply that they would be treated so disrespectfully hence the reason for the letter. Then tell them the truth.

At the end, acknowledge that what they do with this info is now their business. You have fulfilled our obligation to let them hear the truth. Let them know you care for them and hope one day, they can also learn to care for you as their former Son-in-law, BIL, etc.

JMHO,
L.

i agree with orchid. i essentially exposed the WHOLE truth after i told my ex to leave. i just felt his family deserved to know what had been going on. i told them i was sorry for my part in the marriage that i may have failed in, and i thanked them for being my family for 10 years but that i could not stay in a marriage with such blatant and continued infidelity.

they were not mad at me or anything. like orchid said, what they do with that info was up to them. i know it was very upsetting for them. and when they confronted my ex he was mad as ****** at me. but he did not deny it, how could he? i had proof. i gave them everything i had.

the friends i wouldn't worry about so much, but her family needs to know. you were married for a long time. you were family with these people. you deserve to be heard by them.

mlhb

By keeping her filthy secret, you are an enabler. Plain and simple. You help her hide her affair at your expense and the childrens expense. You aide and abet her in lying to your own children and to her family and her friends. You protect her from ever learning from her mistakes so she can go out and do it again another day. There is nothing "Christian" about enabling.

What good? Are you kidding me? What "good" comes from helping her hide her filthy secret? Are all her lies "good?" Is the end of your marriage "good?" Is the fact that she can't ever learn from her mistake because you have protected her from the consequences your idea of "good?"

Have you ever heard the saying "evil thrives when good men stand silent?"

right on melody! our children know the truth as well.

mlhb

You darn right I would tell everyone the truth. See my stab at it below.


To whom it may concern:

It is with much hesitancy that I write this to you but from recent feedback I have received I feel as if I have little choice but to set the record straight. According to information I have received, my now Ex wife, _____, has told anyone that will listen that we divorced for any number of reasons including **************** and has spoken negatively of me on more than one occassion with most or all of you. I had resigned myself learn from this, to let this go and move forward with being the best parent I can be to our children. However, my ex wife's lies and half truths have forced me to set the record straight.

The primary reason, if not the only reason, that _______ and I are divorced is that __________ chose to have an extramarital affair with a man named ____________. Her affair destroyed my trust in her, destroyed our marriage and harmed our family. Her affair and betrayal has changed who she was into someone frankly that I not only do not want to be married to but would find hard calling a friend on any level. __________ has become much more worried about taking care of herself and her own feelings than anyone elses including the children. We had a good marriage, not a perfect one, but a good one and ________ decided that was not enough for her and decided to pursue having her needs met outside our marriage and family by having an affair.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to set the record straight about our marriage and unfortunate divorce.


Regards,

More or less, Orchid's post almost summed up what I wanted to do. I had actually wanted when my D is over in 2 weeks, to send a letter to people in her family, telling them the truth, and just plainly saying that I thought they at least deserved to hear the truth, as sickening and painful as it was, they deserved to hear the truth. Funny thing is that in the past, I tried to get addresses from her, for some of her family, and she flat out refused to give them to me. Well, the last year, I found a really good web site that finds addresses of people online, and I am confident I can dig them up.

I doubt my letter would ever be met with a response, but reading it would at put a face on what really happened for just a minute or two at best. Indeed what they do with the information would be up the them. I hate the fact that I may indeed go down in her family history as that abusive ex husband that she was lucky to get away from with her life, I just hope my letter would put that small doubt in their minds, that she was less than honest about why they got divorced.

As far as what good it would do, I never thought about my enabling her. Also, as far as my children know, I do intend to tell them, just not right now. 5 and 2 are just too young to even comprehend what it means. I have already written letters to both of them, and plan on giving it to them some time in the future.