well, my WH confessed last night that the A never ended. he said I was right, he is addicted to the OW.
he also said he is 100% on board to make it work. the fog has lifted. he told the OW it was over - she cried. she decided to ask her H to take her back. I just talked to OWH and he won't take his WW back.

this morning, he told me he is scared again. he was so sure last night that we were soulmates. he's also sad that soon he will never see the OW again (i know that's withdrawal)

my WH has agreed that he needs to turn his text messages off, as that is their main form of communication. i would love it if he would quit his job today, but he thinks he doesn't want to put the company in a bad position. the OW told him if her BH wouldn't take her back she would move away.

i'm still gonna press him on the job thing. but i need to know what to expect. any advice would be appreciated.

FO

this is all just my opinion... my marriage did not work out so i am not a good testimonial. BUT, for the record, there was a LOT of infidelity in my marriage and i just had no more fight left in me. had i stuck it out and followed mb principles more and had another year or 2 of fight in me, maybe it would have been different. but i was done.

that being said, i feel you will need to really fight hard for your marriage now at this point. the ow my ex now lives with, they "worked" together, meaning they were with each other almost daily as volunteer firemen. after i confronted him about their affair that had happened in the fall of 04 (i confronted in around may of 05 when i actually found out) he had said she was a huge mistake, what he had done was stupid, etc etc... she had been telling people that she too was going to move away. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING A WAYWARD SAYS. your wh's ow may say she is going to move away but don't count on it. since her h says he will not take her back, i would be even more concerned. she has already lost her marriage so she has nothing to lose.

once my wh's ow knew she could not go back to her marriage, she was in full pursuit of my h. full pursuit. even when he ignored her texts and did not respond, she still pursued. she had nothing to lose anymore. be very wary of ow.

i would make sure your ex changing his cell phone number, blocks ow from email, and avoids her at work as much as possible. my ex did none of those things. once tax season is done, it will be time to move on. your wh will go through the withdrawls, will sway back and forth, will miss her, etx... especially since he has to see her at work everyday. that part i do not like at all. make him do a no contact letter that you both sign and you mail it. he cannot be on the fence if this is gonna work. my ex never got off of the fence and i allowed him to be on it far too long.

brace yourself, i think there will be many ups and downs from this point on. until ow is completely out of the picture and he doesn't have to see her everyday the thoughts of "what if" with her are not going to fade in my opinion. i think everytime my wh saw ow, he would think what it would be like to be with her.

plan a plan a plan a. if you want to save your marriage, he is going to want to be with you. mine did acknowledge the changes i was making and he believed them to be genuine but i just couldn't keep it up with him anymore. too much water under the bridge. you have a fighting chance i believe.

keep posting, i know people here who are much better at this that i was can walk you through this process.

mlhb

forgiving,

I hate to say this, but you asked about what to expect....and as long as they work together....you can expect the affair to continue and to have more d-days. Sorry, but until real no contact can be established....withdrawal and recovery cannot begin. Imagine for a minute that this is a cocaine addiction.....could the addict do just a little and be "recovered"? Nope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am in the EXACT same boat right now, forgivingone.

Don't fear asking for the conditions of recovery. They are PROVEN, and they WORK.

My WH told me the same things, how he feared that we would never be happy, while fearing losing OW, and those feelings.

FEELINGS come and go, but LOVE is different. Have you spoken with the Harley's? Any counseling? Don't go into this without a plan and CLEAR boundaries. Write them down, talk about what it means. It's a good exercise in RESPECT.

FO

Sorry you've been involuntarily transfered to the "MDD" (Multiple Devastation Days) neighborhood of "Betrayedville". I've been through 3 Ddays and have managed to assuage MOST of my fears of DDay #4.

"Most" is stated with reservation. MLHB suggests you not let your guard down one bit. I agree. Be careful when you say things like:



That sounds too confident IMHO. Be very vigilent and do not trust his words to you.

I naively did and paid a hefty price. I hope your sitch is not like mine as it took 4 more months until the fog actually lifted.....he was a master cover-up artist, which combined with my naivete and willingness to forgive quickly and move on, set me up for MDDs.

Also, has he seen your pain? Dave Carder's Torn Asunder emphasizes this and everyone's threshold is different.

Withdrawal could take a long time but I was not aware of MB principles when we experienced the bulk of it.

Hope your silver lining sticks.

Ace

You can expect more contact and a continued affair as long as they work together. This may even become a way of life for you. We have affairs here that lasted for 4 to 10 years because the no contact rule was ignored. As you can see with your own eyes, it doesn't work.

FO, do you think an alcholic could "withdraw" if he started calling his drinks "work drinks" but continued drinking?

i hear what all of you are saying.

on the way to work, he told me he can't stop thinking about her. i am begging him to quit his job today. he is considering it, but knows that if he still really wants to see her, he will be able to find her.

yesterday he did suggest moving, far away. like boston. i don't want to, but i told him i would do anything to save our marriage.

i have not talked to the harley's - how does that work? just call their radio show? it doesn't come on here.

yesterday was so awesome. he said he was going to do whatever it took to win me back. today sucks. i don't know how much longer i can do this.

should i give him an ultimatum about the job? i know that's not plan A, but what do yall think?

help :-(

forgiving,

Ultimata are not Plan A....but BOUNDARIES certainly are.

Here's the difference:

An ultimatum is about HIM and about punishment.

*If you don't quit your job, I'm outta here!

A boundary is about YOU and protection.

*Your continued contact with OW at work is too painful for me. Unless the job situation changes, I will have to protect myself and remove myself from further harm.

It's a subtle difference....and he may still "hear" an ultimatum....but the difference is important. You are letting go of what choice he makes. You aren't threating him....but you are choosing to protect yourself.

No ultimatums.

You state what you need in order to BEGIN recovery. Your M must be protected FIRST. Even then, with NC in place, and commitment to R, the OW will still try to contact him.

Moving is an extraordinary precaution, and should be considered if it's an option, but you must BOTH agree.

If you can afford it, counsel with the Harley's ($185/session), atleast to get a Plan for recovery, to get started. It's worth the money.

Withdrawal is rough. My WH just shuts down, so I'm hoping that our Plan is able to give him focus.

He will be able to see her every day for sure as long as he works with her. And that makes recovery impossible. AS YOU HAVE SEEN WITH YOUR OWN EYES.



Dr. Harley will just tell you exactly what we told you, he has to leave the job. If not, I would go into Plan B.


So he will leave the job now?

that's the million dollar question

fo, if he told you he would "do what it takes to win you back," I would let him know that leaving the job is what it is going to take. He will have to leave the job and end all contact in order to make recovery possible. Recovery is impossible unless all contact is ceased.