Also, BIT, whatever you do, DON'T let her find this thread!!!!

~ Marsh

Blindtex,

Stay strong these next few days and weeks are going to be tough.

I wouldn't go out and get a job yet. I would not leave the house. I would start a journal, I would enteract with friends and family more - they are witnesses to your fathering.

Don't get a job, because you can use that as your leverage in court to get your full due on child support.

Remember she will have to provide you child support.

The alien inside will do things you never thought your wife would do. She will conceive crazy idea's that you wouldn't imagine her too... Also remebmer the law the police don't understand the mind of a wayward either, so if she claims you abused your children, the law will believe her.

Just keep posting and reading and remember this is about improving you

I am finally able to post. WW told me last night, she has nothing to say to me, doesn't want to talk to me at all. Also, I was locked out or the bedroom last night. No big deal because I "locked out" the last 4 months anyway.

Today, WW left early and went to church(rarity). Yelled at me again for ruining the OM's life and family because their daughter found the email and passed it on. I said what about him ruining my family. WW laughed and said it was my fault.

WW also said that she is moving out again, and a lawyer is drawing up the divorce papers, WW showed me his card. She told me we are through, doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I know this to be true because WW follows thru on her threats. I think that the A is over, because OM sent a breakup by email. WW told me the A was over 3 weeks ago, but the still met this week out of town. The breakup email was yesterday. OM said I was a coward for sending exposure email. Hey Jack***, you are the coward for committing adultery and ruining 2 families.

It is very hard right now because it looks like my "bomb" blew up the intended target, but also everything in its path. WW told me "WE ARE DONE!"
God, I hope not.

I need some thoughts please. Thanks.



BIT

By the Way-

She has cleared out all her emails from the account. Not a problem for me, though.

BIT,

First of all; take a deep breath and relax.

The things your WW is saying and doing are exactly according to the WS script. Do NOT react to it. She is saying or has said, "Too much has happened for it ever to work between us," "The last X years have been the worst of my life," "I wish I'd never married you or even met you," OR MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, "I was going to try to work this out with you, but NOW, there is no way! You have blown any chance we ever had of staying together." Do NOT react to any of it. It is all just part of the fog-speak ALL WSs use during an A. I heard all of it soon after Dday. BTW, she's still home, we're working on trying to fix what was wrong and she's actively working on trying to rebuild my trust in her.

Have you started reading SAA yet? If not, find it and read it. You might also look for "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder.

If you want real inspirstion, read DogFood's thread from the start and compare it with what he has been sharing with you here. You CAN do it!

Mark

Not a lot of time to write. Just an update. I have not been allowed into my bedroom the last three nights, the door has been locked. WW says leave me alone , I have nothing to say to you. I am being treated like I had the A. This sux! I have not made any waves, just rolled with the flow. No LB's as used(except for the BIG ONE, the exposure.) That seems to have been a setback. However, I do think that the A is stopped for now.

If WW does leave, which I think she will because she had an apt. and was moving stuff in 3 weeks ago before she had a change of heart, WW is going to try to get her lease back, Am I helpless to just let her go, because I'm not supposed to beg or plead, right? (Sorry for the long sentence)
Does that mean I give up plan A and go to plan B? Advice for my own foggy mind. Thanks.

Pardon my ramblings.

BIT

Can you take the lock off the bedroom door?

Can you get in the bedroom before she gets in there?

If she doesn't want to sleep w/ you, then SHE needs to move out of your bedroom. She has it backwards. Try to correct that.




That's right.

You can't control what she does. IF (and that's a big if) she does leave, wish her well. It will shock her, b/c she'll be expecting you to beg and plead w/ her.

Here's a great quote, from James Dobson, you could use IF she leaves (assuming you are a Christian, if not, modify it to suit you)...

" My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, WS. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."



If she leaves, you Plan A her from a far.

You'll get opportunities to do so.

Keep posting here. We'll help you.

~ Marsh

That is great advice Marsh........

If she leaves, she leaves without the children, less than 1/2 of the furnishings if anything, separate your bills and accounts and so on.

She needs to pay spousal and child support just as if she were there in the home because she is welcomed to be there. If she is obstinate about this you may have to take her to court for a temporary order
?

Even if you are a wreck underneath don't let her see it on the outside. Plan A, calm, re-state your desire to build a new marriage, etc.

Finally time to update. I have just read SAA.
WW is moving out. She put down deposit, and will be leaving at end of month. I am really running the gamut of emotions again, and am going to need a pep talk. I never was this needy before, but you folks are helping me try to cope. She still has minimal phone contact with pos OM, but that has fizzled to nothing. The new twist is WW is "so happy" now that she decided to leave. She already is signed up for eharmony and match.com, and is emailing photos to other men. Great, now that one sword was pulled from my mid-section, she is ready to start f**king the whole town now that she has "her new single life," as she calls it.

The last 2 days, I can't even look at her. I wish there was some way I could cause her as much pain as she is causing me and my children. Right now I don't see how any Plan A or B can work.

I feel that I just want to D her now, but I would look like the bad guy. I just am disgusted by her lack of compassion for me, and like a big load has been lifted off her back now. Wake up, WW look what you are doing to your children. I found out that my youngest has already spoken with a school counselor about the near abandonment last month.

Once she leaves, I feel right now that I don't ever want to talk to her again. I was doing so well with this until two days ago. Dr. H had mentioned that this could take up to two years. Right now, it is a one person battle against an infinite enemy. I was prepared to handle one affair, but now, I don't want back some one that has no morals. It seems to me that her problems are more than I can deal with.

I need some positive feedback. Thanks for your time.

BIT

One more quick item. I want so much to start dating others, but am sure that it will damage my sitch further. Also, has anyone experienced E.D. from pain of an affair? I NEVER had a problem before, but now there is no E at all.

BT,

My H is the one who had the affair and experiences ED because of it...he denies that it was the affair that caused it, though.

I don’t have a lot of time but just wanted to ask you: Have you seen an attorney? Please get legal advice and protect yourself and your children. It also looks like you may need in the near future to find a job.

I knew of a couple of women that were the main earners in their family and they both got divorced. I knew their husbands and there seems to be a perception out there that if the wife is the main earner then the husband is the one that has the problem with it. In my two friends cases both of their wives were very bitter about the fact that they did not earn more money. The wives also on several occasions where I was present belittled and ran down these guys in front of guests at get togethers about how much they made. I am just guessing but have you thought that she might be bitter about you being able to stay home full time with the children?

So many families now days must have both parents working so most women do not even have the choice. Now I would think in a case where the father is at home she might resent you for that. Almost every woman I knew or my XW knew would have loved to stay home with the kids and not work outside the home. As my ex wife said her dream was to not have to work and to stay at home and have a good life style. Well she had all of that and cheated so even if a person gets everything they want they are not always happy.

I just wanted to let you know it sucks to have to be here. You cannot control your WW and just realize she is no longer the wife you once knew and loved. Please go talk to an attorney and try and protect yourself. It is OK to want to save your marriage but please get some legal advise.

IHadEnough-

Thanks for the note. Yeah it does suck to be here. I can't think of anything worse right now. It feels like a living death.

It is funny, because whenever we were with people, WW would dole out praise for me left and right. How she didn't know what she would do without me, etc., etc. The praise was never given to me at home, however.

I have not talked with an attorney yet. However, I plan to get that going very soon. I just discovered an email that was sent to one of her new Match dates, which says that she will be waiting to file beginning of June, when we will be here one year. WW says it should be wrapped up by Nov.

Here is a snippet of that email letter:

WW says: "My situation- We moved here then separated. I was the one to say- not happy. Fortunately it has been very amicable and I think we will always be pretty good friends after all the ugly stuff is over. So personally I am very settled in my decision- and it is highly unlikely we will reconcile. I was just not happy in the marriage and wanted out while I still had some milage left in me-hahahah! The kids are doing OK."

What a crock. Very amicable, she is not even moved out yet, and she is setting up more OMs. I guess my plan A actions have eased her, but her mind is made up and it looks as though she is good as gone. And she is under the impression that the kids are ok? C'mon, I think the worst for them is yet to come.

My favorite part is when she says we can be pretty good friends when this is all over. HA! That is hilarious. You tear apart our family, hurt our children and break my heart, and you want me to be your good friend when this is done. HA! again.



She has told me I need to get a job, but after reading about the June D coming up, I am wondering if I should delay to maximize my support from her. She said last week that "my lawyer said I won't have to pay you alimony." I am thinking that the job would reinforce that statement.

I don't think Plan A she be followed any longer, but I am somewhay clouded right now.

I need some advice an how to proceed from here. I really thought we could reconcile, but that looks not possible now. Please keep the great advice and pep talks coming. I really need it now. Thanks everyone.

BIT

Why do you believe reconcilation is not possible now? B/c of her fogged out e-mail?

First piece of advice is don't pay any attention to her babble. If you do it will just suck you into her crazy world. She is currently living in La La land. It's not a place you even want to visit. K?

Focus on protecting yourself and your kids.

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?

Have you moved back into your bedroom yet?

Sounds as though you are doing a good Plan A.

Keep it up.

~ Marsh

hey BIT - I am not an attorney but here's what I have found out.

Texas does not have alimony. You can be granted spousal support up to 2-3 years. Also you can divorce for adultery. Depending on the judge - you can be protected. Need to see an atty asap to protect yourself and children. Not advocating divorce (never good for kids) but you have a diff situation and men are always at a disadvantage re: custody and support.

At least do a search on adultery laws in Texas in google. mucho info there. Protect your rear guard while the fog is thick even though you are doing plan A.

Hi Marsh-

Glad to hear from you again. No I haven't yet spoken to a lawyer. WW is leaving on Business Wed. I will have time to call then.

Just by WW saying this weekend that she doesn't want to be married anymore. I asked her if we will get back together, and she says I don't know. Also, the email was from her new match.com acct. I can't believe she has the gall to do that at the kitchen table on her work computer. In front of me. But I suppose all those phone calls and texting was right in front of me also.

WW will be moving out next Monday, so right now I feel that is the beginning of the end.

I am back in the bedroom, last Tuesday went in and there was no verbal assault. However, I am way over on my side, WW on hers. No hugging contact etc. But that is how it has been the last 4 months, anyway.

I have trying very hard to do a good Plan A. I have let some comments slip, but they are mostly reverse babble.

Should I continue Plan A when she is gone? IF so, how can I do that? She thinks that her new lifestyle is going to great, and I am going to deliver the kids to her when it is her turn. I feel that she should pick them up and drop them off. I am not going to cater to her anymore. I have done that for all our marriage, and look what it got me. I would like to supply her profile on match, but I don't want to reveal that I know, and my real location. I wish someone here belonged to eharmony, so I could have them check that. I am saving all this for the D.

BIT

You might post on the dating after divorce board. I'm sure at least one of the posters is on eharmony and would be willing to help you out.

Doesn't matter what she's saying. It's all coming from a fogged out brain. She's following the WS script. They all say the same things.

Disregard them.

BTW: You aren't supposed to be engaging in relationship talk.



Don't.

Others have recovered their M after their spouse has moved out.



Good for you! You'd be surprised at how many BH are afraid to do that.




Yes, you should absolutely continue to work Plan A.

You want to meet as many of her ENs as you can, while working on changes on you. She needs to see you changing...getting stronger...improving yourself.

B/c when you go to Plan B, you want her last memories of you to be positive ones. You want her to wonder what the new and improved BIT is up to. You want her to miss the ENs you met for her.

When you exchange the children, you will get opportunities to meet her ENs.

Have you filled out an EN questionarie for your WW? Do you know what her top ENs are?

In the mean time, buy some new clothes, get a new hair cut, new cologne, join a gym...



Put your Taker away, BIT, just for a little while. You need to keep reaching out to her until you go to Plan B.

THAT is when reality will start peeing all over her fantasy world.



THIS is where you have your work cut out for you. You need to figure out why your WW lost respect for you. And then work on this the most.

Keep posting...we'll be your life line.

And again, DON'T let her find this thread.

~ Marsh

Marsh-

Doh! I forget about the no relationship talk. I will try harder to avoid that. I am in a fog. I am not depressed though. She has been treating me poorly every few years. WW has some emoitional scars from her childhood that WW never addressed. We went to a counselor about 10 years ago. The male counselor focused on me for the 2 sessions, and when he was ready to address WW issues, we stopped going.

WW seems to have selective memory on the issue. WW has some very deep self esteem issues, and believes now that she is "single once more" she is loving all the attention from her dating sites. And believes her "problem", me will soon be gone.

Keep up the encouragement everyone. GTG, WW will be back soon.

BIT

Work on the M, listen to those offering advice regarding that;

But I would personally also enlist an attorney (w/out her knowledge if possible) to find out what my rights are regarding custody (sounds as if you WW is an entitled, selfish, "teenager" right now and will not be the best fit for the children), alimony (I most certainly think you can get some form of spousal support even if its rehabilitative in nature), child suppport, and retain ownership of the home and 50/50 of community property.

Get some legal help and Plan A and listen to those trying to help you recover the M.