Hi, I am new to MB and to the forums. My husband and I are to celebrate our 20th anniversary next month. We have 2 beautiful kids together, a 15y/o DD & 11 y/o DS.Over the years, I will admit that I have made our children a priority over him and have not been meeting all of his EN's. About a month ago, he announced to me that he was having an affair with his high school girlfriend and that they were in love. His original plan was to leave me that night. What he did not intend was for me to react the way I did. I did not get angry, but instead acknowleded my role in setting the atmosphere for an affair to occur and vowing to do what ever it takes to rebuild our marriage. I had actually made a decision prior to his confession, that I needed to begin to change my behavior so that I could be happy, and in turn hopefully make him happy in our marriage again. I think that's why I basically implemented what you all call plan A before even knowing what it was.The worst part about his comfesssion was that he was not descreet and allowed our two children to hear what was going on. So the kids have been dealing with his A along with me. He has "supposedly" ended this A 4 times in the last 4 weeks, but continues to call the OW and occasionallg go see her. I tried e-mailing her in a non-threatening way, asking her to please refrain from any contact with him so that we could work on our marriage. Her response was down right evil. She asked me not to call what they had an affair, that they were 100% in love with each other and that he would be hers eventually. She accused me of using our kids to keep him in the marriage and vowed that she would be sure that did not work and again informed me that he would be hers very soon. This woman has already been married and divorced 3X. My WH is like he has been brainwashed. She has him convinced that our kids would be better off if we lived in separate houses because he would then be happier. Of couse she believes this because she has already done it to her kids.
I have extremely supportive and loving over the past four weeks, even in the bedroom, attempting to make him see how committed I am to restoring what we once had. One minute he returns my affection, and the next minute he shuns me. I have used letter writing as my means of communicating my feelings to him, because when I try to talk with him, he tunes me out and says he does not want to talk about it. One of my letters seemed to get throught to him and he brought the whole family together and told me and the kids that his A was over and that he was not going anywhere. He later told me that he was only staying for the kids and could make me no promises. I just keep praying that over time he will be more receptive to putting some effort into the rebuilding process. I do know that he has talked with her once since our "family meeting". The last few days, there have been no calls on his cell phone, but I guess he could be using another phone so I am not 100% convinced that the A is over. He really just seems to be going through the motions with me, but is not really committed. He says he cannot deny his feelings for the OW. Her house is right on his way home from work so even if he is 15 minutes late, I worry that he has stopped to see her. The not knowing if the A is really over is killing me! Thus far he is refusing to go to counceling. I have ordered "Surviving an Affair" and have been reading all I can on the website. He just does not seem to be in a place yet to read the book or do anything else except stay home for the kids. Do you all have any advice for me. Am I handling things OK. How long do I let him stay in the house if he is still seeing the OW. My oldest daughter is sooo angry at him. I am afraid he is breaking her spirit. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Who have you exposed this affair to?

Does OW have grown children? Ex-husbands with custody of children, parents that could put pressure on her to end it. What about WH's parents, siblings, friends (the one's that would hold him accountable), etc

Hi hopeandpray,
OW does not have grown chidren, she has 2 steps who live with their father(her 3rd husband)and their 6 year old son who lives with her. I do not know her Ex, her parents or any of her friends. I have told WH's sister but he does not know that. She and I are very close and she has been a great support for me. Right now I am afraid that if I expose him to the rest of his family, he will get really angry and it will push him closer to her. He was furious that I contacted her!!!!! My plan was to keep it between us until it becomes apparent that what I am doing is not working, then bring in his family and mine to put the pressure on. I think one of the reasons he is still at home is because he does not want to admit what he has done to his family. If they know, I am afraid that it will be one less reason for him to stay.

I am sure others will come along with other help shortly.

The six year old son that lives with her is the son of which husband #(3?) If so it sounds as if she as primary custody with ex husband having custody of his two children from other M. Makes me wonder if this is the son of the 3rd husband how she has custody or how he would react if he knew she was having an affair with married man.

Wait on other advice.

Hi H&P, Yes the 6 yr old is also from the 3rd marriage. She actually has visitation with the 2 step kids from that marriage as well. Evidently they live 4 miles apart from each other and have an "ammicable" arrangement. Of course I hear all of this from WH who paints a picture of her as this saintly women who raised husband #3's kids even though they weren't "her blood". The steps are teenagers now. That's pretty much all I know. I do not know if her ex, her parents, or her friends know of this affair. We live in a small town and I could easily find out who her parents are and contact them, but I am petrified that WH will get so mad at me for exposing her to her family, that he will just leave and go to her. I also have the e-mail that she wrote me that makes no bones about the fact that she is having this affair with my husband. She is an elementary school teacher and I have considered forwarding her e-mail to her school principle and the other teachers. Saving that option as a last resort. Hope others also have advise. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

I want some of the exposure experts to happen along and give advice but short of him willing to establish no contact with her you best weapon is exposure. If so, you do not warn, or threaten to use it you just do it. If it comes to that then I would expose to anyone, anywhere with an influence on OW or WH. Parents, siblings, friends, work place, boss, ex husbands (#3 deserves to know about what she is so that he may want to protect his 6 year old from her ways), etc.

Hang in there and others will be her shortly. Friday's and weekends are a little slower than M-Th.

expose the he** out of the b*tch. tell everyone employer included. show the email you sent her and she sent you back. make sure all her family and friends know and your h's.

he'll be mad at first, but it usually helps to end the affair. you are at war! fight for your marriage.

mlhb

I know it's a scary thing to do, but expose, expose, expose. As you've probably heard here before, exposure is your best weapon for ending the affair. It puts pressure on their relationship, THEY start LBing. They sloowwwly start to see themselves for the frauds and liars and cheaters that they are.

Another thing, all of his back and forth behavior, emotions, is normal at your stage in this awful game. I also heard many times, "I can't make you any promises." Remember, he's trapped himself in a horrible place. Don't let him drag you down. I know it's hard. Just keep telling yourself not to listen to the garbage that is spewing out of his mouth right now. He's not of a clear mind. Your job is to get him there. It takes time, lots.

So, EXPOSE, lovingly, not maliciously. He WILL get angry. Let him. Then, as much as he will let you, meet his EN's. Plan A for a time. And if you're a praying girl ... pray for your husband.

rlt