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Guess when something seems to good to be true- it usually is, huh??? Just when I was starting to feel comforatble with him in that He was truly what he presented himself to be..............
My heart is broken and so is my trust.
I was doing laundry. I opened up his duffle bag that he uses for work to check for any dirty laundry... did I ever find "DIRTY LAUNDRY' ---A neat little stack of NEW pornography mags!
very explicit..... He KNOWS how I dislike that stuff- HE TOLD ME THAT HE DID NOT HAVE ANY- THAT HE DID NOT NEED IT OR WANT IT---I TRUSTED HIM, I BELIEVED HIM. and now- well, obvious, isn't it? I am so very hurt!!! HE lied to me. ...... what else is he hiding?............................
I know we were having some problems- with sex...and he's always put it off to working so hard, such long hours......
I've been so sexually frusterated, WANTING HIM SO BADLY, TRYING SO HARD TO BE UNDERSTANDING.... But now- maybe this is why he has had so little interest in me.....
WHY DO MEN DO THIS?.... It's not as if I am unattentive to HIS needs... even if we don't have sex, as in actual intercourse- I still make sure he gets some attention...oral sex, usually------- he never turns that down. But that's just because HE's getting SF, and not having to give me any SF, am I right??
Well anyway sorry this is so long- but everyone can relate to hurts, I hope.... I found this early this morning- around 8 am--- he'd already left for work. ...... I am so upset....I desperately need some feedback, here- and MEN- I would really like to hear YOUR point of view on this..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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I can totally relate with you. I was cleaning his work truck, he conveniently left home, and found his stash. I was so mad! Then the other day, I was looking at the history of websites visited on the internet and found a whole bunch of XXX sites. A person just doesn't know what to do with all this. He has told me that he doesn't look at it, and he doesn't need it. The sex life was going better than it had in the last 5 years, so I thought we had jumped over this hurdle. Boy, was I wrong. Things are back to where they were. I can count on one hand how many times we have been intimate in the last 3 months. It tears at my heart. I have had many thoughts of him having an affair. I just don't have proof. Maybe we can get thru this together. Hang in there. I will.

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YEAH....WELL THIS IS OUR FIRST GO ROUND WITH ANYTHING LIKE THIS.... AND I'M PRETTY BENT. I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO HIS COMPUTER/USER SETTINGS- BUT HE HAS FULL ACCESS TO MINE... I'VE NEVER HAD ANY REASON TO QUESTION HIM- OR TO BE SUSPICIOUS ABOUT IT- BUT NOW? I THINK MAYBE HE OWES ME A LITTLE MORE THAN JUST AN EXPLANATION...AND PERHAPS FULL ACCESS AS I HAVE ALLOWED HIM.
I REALLY WANT TO OVERLOOK THIS- BUT I CAN'T. HE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME ANY REASON BEFORE TO EVEN THINK THAT HE WOULD BE DISHONEST.... I TEXTED HIM (CELL PHONE)- SENT HIM A PICYURE OF THE MAGS WITH THE QUESTION "WHAT THE ****** IS THIS?"...... AND THEN A SECOND ONE TELLING HIM THAT I WAS HURT BECAUSE HE'S LIED TO ME AND THAT WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT TONITE- NO EXCUSES. HE HAS NOT RESPONDED- BUT MAY JUST NOT HAVE CELL COVERAGE- AS IS USUALLY THE CASE WITH HIS JOB---OIL FIELD SERVICES.... I GUESS NOW ITS JUST WAIT AND SEE HOW HE REACTS TO THE FACT THAT I KNOW- AND AM CONFRONTING HIM WITH IT.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO!!! ITS JUST SO DANGED HARD.......


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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Sorry to see this - it really sucks. It's one thing when your H has an A with OW. It's another when it's 1,000,000 other women and they are all fit perfectly to your Hs fantasies, while he can congratulate himself on his fidelity to you as he's only looking and "all men do it!" Even more devastating is that these images are available 24/7, piped into most homes via an almost perfect free drug delivery system. Powerful stuff. And, just like a WS in fog, they will FIGHT to protect their addiction. Tough stuff.

I believe porn is infidelity, when someone is choosing to have their sex life outside of their M and lying about it.

You need to take care of yourself and understand what you are dealing with.

read here:

Partner's Workshop
This is an excellent place for spouses. There is an equally excellent part of this website for porn addicts.

A Womans Healing Journey

Partners Board


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Well... a little update...
He came home early Friday evening from work. We had a really long and very open talk about the subject. He was very sincere in his replies and his feelings, I believe. No need to go into full details- would take way too long...but This was his first offense- ever- and I AM hypersensitive to the subject....we looked at things- and tried to find some common ground. He threw away mags, I threw away vibrator**( which was out in the open- kept sitting on the nightstand - in a little pink case- right by the bed--NEVER HIDDEN!)
H said that has made him feel inadequate sometimes, too... okay- Yes- I can see his point...but he was still mad about MY reaction- to HIS stash... (3 mags)...which was hidden! which he had lied about... PRINCIPAL OF THE MATTER, here now. He knew about my vibrator- but never questioned me about it, and never made any comment on it. He had every chance- but chose not to. Guess I mistook HIS silence as "approval"??? I am a little upset here- with myself to a small degree, too. Did I over react??? Yes- on one hand I'm sure I did. ( more angry in the thought that He was using this as an alternative to having sex with me..He KNEW that I wanted and needed sex with him much more often than we were having...so yes- I felt betrayed in that sense- seeing those magazines with all those perfect bodies... made me fell so infereior and so inadequate- knowing I could never be what was there- wondering if that was why he was choosing that - because it turned him on more than me?....and even moreover--WHY??? ugh. I know I am not perfect- BUT I AM NOT BAD LOOKING EITHER!!! anyway.....the point is- I don't know exactly what my point is, but I am trying hard to find it...
I was hurt. He was was hurt. We were both angry and vulnerable. H assured me that it was not a replacement for sex with me. He told me that it had nothing to do with the fact that He loves Me. He told me that it was only a "source of entertainment" while he was out of town on business... and that "all the guys at work have it( porn ) all the time..that's it's the oil field,that everybody does it. I quickly reminded him that drugs are a very common thing in the oil field too, but that does not mean you have to do them. I did ask if he was, though- (knowing of course not)It was just a point- that just because things were there did not give excuse for taking part- if drugs are rampant- and he chose NOT to take part, then it was just as simple to choose NOT to take part in porn just because it was there too. At least he got that point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I think he DID understand my point of view on the whole matter. I did have to explain to him a couple of things...Why it upset me so much, and why I reacted the way I did... ( that was hard for me to do, too....) I was upset because it was hidden & lied about. and I reacted the way I did because of past experiences- and the fear that the past was occurring all over again...) My ex-H had a VERY severe porn addiction- and could not function without it- he used it and abused me with it. Once i explained this to current H-(fiance) opened up his eyes a little more to what was happening. He was very sincere and compassionate. i had never spoken of that past to him... had never had any great need to- until this. Well- this keeps booting me out- guess'm taking too long. He aplogized, promised to keep it out of our marriage and told me he wants only me- and to never hurt me- said he never meant any harm... I believe him. and I love him. I did/said the same. This was his 1st infraction, so giving the benefit of the doubt and trusting. only time will tell in all honesty, but got to give it a try.


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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Hi. I just joined today.

I think I can help a lot with this thread. My gf (CL) and I have been together for several years. When your sex life started to get challenging, I turned to pornography as a supplement.

Of course, this didn't help, she found out and it drove the rest of our sex life out of our home.

I have stopped using pornography, but since then she has had an affair with another man online. I really am sick of these trolls on the internet exploiting people when they are vulnerable and using them for their own private thrill rides.

When I met my gf she was with someone else, but I councelled her to try to work things out with him, and when i could'nt think straight anymore becuaes I was falling in love I backed off.

She ended up leaving him anyways...and now I am the one on the way out.

Anyways, I can help you with the porn issue, i have intimate experience with that.

I don't consider it an "affair", although its an awful thing to use privately when you are in a relationship..it hurts quite a bit too.

I have done a fair bit of research on infidelity and honeslty I don't consider this infidelity.

Its one of those nasty slopes. Infidelity requires secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry. But listening to the right music can create this recipie.

I do consider it a terrible betrayal of a different sort. With porn, its not interactive, it only goes one way. Further, its not exclusive in most cases unless your partner is paying for private web cam shows.

Its just not intimate enough to be infidelity. But there are worse things about it. To my mind, its akin to participating in an orgy than an affair. Which is worse? Your call there. When you consume porn, there isn't much emotional connection. Its 99% sex. When you have an affair, people tell private things about themselves, their hopes, their fears, their dreams. Sometimes these can be erotic fantasies that you never share with your partner.

Simply looking at video clips or nude photographs isn't the same thing. It is terrible to resort to, and I admit that myself being an offender.

If you need to understand more let me know, but it sounds like your partner is available to talk. If you are concerned at all about what he has to say and want to test a question first or anything post here and I will try to explain.

Thanks

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In response to ButterflyNinja:
Thank you . Any and all feedback appreciated- especially from a male perspective. Sounds like you & your GF are having some issues, as well. My sincerest sympathies, there. I fyou need any input- as well, I am willing to help if I can.
Again...thanks... I will think on what you said...and post a little further later- running short on time ATM.
Again- Thanks


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Hi 4myself, is the p still an issue or has he been cooperating?

Your last email sounded like he understood, maybe not. : ?

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ButterflyNinja;
Well-so far- it is not an issue- but then again it's only been 3 days, too. yes- very cooperative; offered to dispose of- told me where more was- but I already knew (packed in a box in the garage- there since we moved in together- he had had it prior to us- and was in a box of old junk in storage)- so I know that particular stash was there- and in a place where it was not being used...anyway- he told me it was there- and that I could throw it away too. * We moved in together last April- both of us had stuff in different storage units- and just cleaned those out and got all our stuff to the house just before Christmas-Now we can barely even walk thru the garage! we just haven't had time to sort thru it all yet- but that's a project I have planned for Spring Break)so that particular collection I guess- is a non issue- it's pretty old too- like 1998 or so, and just been packed forever.Not that its age would make it any less viable- it is just that is was not a recent purchase- which says alot for me. Sorry for rambling on... but yes- he seemed very sincere- and I do believe him- and desperately want to have full trust in him again- it is difficult- but I am trying. You know, so many people here (MB) have talked about spyware & key loggers and such in secrecy to spy on thier S/O...To me that is just as wrong- is it not? I wouldn't do that to him- or anybody. Truth has to be TOLD- not "discovered"........ When is it "right" or even "okay" to discover the truth in a covert or hidden way? I have a question for you- if you don't mind..You had said that your GF had an affair with a guy online..was the A online? or was that just where she met him?--------- and yes- I share your opinion on that- about the TROLLS who use it as a means to use those vulnerable for thier own amusement....it is really bad. and I do have some personal experience with that one, too. unfortunately.anyway- I am off to school here in abit- but I have a little more info I would like to ask of you... what is your take on this- do you think he's really being upfront and honest about it? I know you don't know him, or anything...but just being a guy and having been there too.
Like I said earlier- he has never given me any reason to doubt him before for anything... and I really am inclined to believe him, here- but I do still have that little voice in the back of my mind--from past experiences, I know--telling me to "watch out"............. I just wish I were better able to deal with things like this on my end, you know? It would be so much esier if we could just look at things completely objectively- and at the facts without all the emotional factors. Well- I've rattled on & on long enough. Gotta get to school, soon.--Thanks again.


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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ButterflyNinja:
you can read these other posts (by me)... may help a little:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/fav...amp;postmarker=
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/fav...amp;postmarker=

hopefully you can get to them this way - may have to copy & paste- I'm not real good with this tech stuff.

HAGD!


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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Hi 4myself, not sure what those urls are pertaining to specifically...are you saying i should leave my SO?

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Hi 4myself.

I will just make a few quick points then.

1. Has he been more sexually attentive? He will be in withdrawl and will need your support...you took the outlet away and he's going to need a new one for the next while. If he hasn't been more interested...and I mean intersted in ways he hasn't shown before, then you may want to consider the possiblity that he has more material someplace.

2. The old material isn't of much use. The thrill of this stuff comes MOSTLY from new material. That's how these magazines and such stay in business. If the old material was of value then it would keep getting recycled by the users. He needs NEW material really. The old stuff will do if he's desperate, but the real thrill comes from the material he hasnt experienced yet.

3. I think he really should be giving it to YOU to dispose of...him saying its gone and you trusting him...I just don't know about that. The expression of him handing it TO you really would be a big show of his surrender on this matter...telling you where old stuff is he never uses really isn't that big a deal to my mind.

4. Is it JUST magazines? He doesn't use the PC at all these days? That's one of the reasons it is so popular is how anonymous and easy it is to hide it. Have you had a very close investigation of the PC he uses? Does he have any other place he may hide material?

5. Re the topic of privacy and trust..its a difficult one. After you have been lied to, i dont know if its reasonable to offer blind trust. Not to mention, affairs and pornography are both addictive. The users really dont' have a lot of control. I think maybe checking up on them to make sure they havent' fallen off the wagon is better for you both.

If he were an alcohoic and promised to stop drinking would you just trust that and not check up on him? Is that a safe approach to handling that? Affairs, porn, and alcohol turn an entire household upside down...and despite their destructive qualities they are terribly hard to shake off. The idea that he just "stopped" and told you its all gone leaves me a bit stunned..most addicts don't just quit cold turkey that easily without some support and withdrawl...I didn't.

6. Re my situation. The A started online in september. This was just one month after we miscarried what would have been our first child...she was quite vulnerable. I wasn't attentive enough to her dissappointment clearly and someone else decided to exploit that. He is quite a long distance away ...it takes days to get here. That's one blessing of hte online stuff is that its not physical too soon very often. She did go to a convention in Nov that he was at. She TOLD me that they just "talked", but I highly doubt it.

She told me in the end of January that she isnt' seeing him anymore at my request..but its several weeks now and i don't think i believe her. When i confronted her about the A in the END of sep i was clearly devatated, she was sympathetic, but kept on seeing him...and in November went to a conventoin...again still dating...and continued to Jan until i outright ASKED her to stop.

7. The other thing I can think of about the porn is did the two of you discuss how it made HIM feel when he was consuming it? I don't know if shutting it out of his life will work...he wants it in some way. In my case my SO needed more attentiveness on my part, i can offer that. What was it that he needed the porn for? Did you ask if there was something he was missing? I think discussing how he feels about himself sexually may help build some trust here and get him thru this stage.

8. That he's volunteering information is a good sign, but he could fall off the wagon at any time, and he may be telling you about some of it just to give you some security. He may just REDUCE the frequency. I did that at first.

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Hi again. I just had a few more questions.

1. You said he lied about this before?
2. Was this always JUST magazines? No 1-900 numbers, no internet, no videos, etc?
3. How many times has he "fallen off the wagon?"
4. You may have to forgive me for this one, but how out of the norm was the material he was looking at? If its particularly outlandish this may be too serioius to just quit outright.
5. Lastly, does he share material with anyone else? magazine swapping and sharing is common. Same with internet, you just find others with the same habit and swap photos and videos..it saves you from having to hunt for "the good stuff". If he hangs out with other guys that buy magazines regularly this may be an issue. Is it just that he owns the material or do you have issues with him consuming it as well?
6. Have you made your needs and expectations CRYSTAL clear to him so there is no misunderstanding about what you DONT want him doing? Would you be ok with his buddies sharing some material with him casually?

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Quote
Hi 4myself, not sure what those urls are pertaining to specifically...are you saying i should leave my SO?

my previous posts regarding our relationship- how things have been since we moved in together- gives greater perspective of things between me & my SO

no- not saying you should leave- can not offer that kind of advice- that is 100% your choice.


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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IN RESPONSE TO BUTTERFLY NINJA'S QUESTIONS:
..MY RESPONSES ARE IN all CAPS...


1. Has he been more sexually attentive?
YES, HE HAS DEFINATELY HAS- EVEN IN WAYS HE HAD NEVER BEFORE.


2.The old material isn't of much use. The thrill of this stuff comes MOSTLY from new material. That's how these magazines and such stay in business. If the old material was of value then it would keep getting recycled by the users. He needs NEW material really. The old stuff will do if he's desperate, but the real thrill comes from the material he hasnt experienced yet.
OKAY... I HADN'T EVEN CONSIDERED THAT!


3. I think he really should be giving it to YOU to dispose of...him saying its gone and you trusting him...I just don't know about that. The expression of him handing it TO you really would be a big show of his surrender on this matter...telling you where old stuff is he never uses really isn't that big a deal to my mind.
HE DID- AND WE DISPOSED OF IT TOGETHER.

4. Is it JUST magazines? YES- I BELIEVE SO.
He doesn't use the PC at all these days? HIS PC USE HAS NOT CHANGED. OUR PC IS IN OUR BEDROOM- AND HE IS RAELY EVER ON IT THAT I AM NOT PRESENT.
That's one of the reasons it is so popular is how anonymous and easy it is to hide it.
Have you had a very close investigation of the PC he uses?
I DID CHECK HIS BOOKMARKS, ETC. AND HISTORY- NOTHING THERE- BUT OF COURSE THAT REALLY DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
Does he have any other place he may hide material?
NOT THAT I AM AWARE OF- I HAVE FULL ACCESS TO EVERYTHING AND EVERYPLACE IN OUR HOME/VEHICLES...AND HIS WORK BAGS- ONLY OTHER PLACE WOULD BE HIS LOCKER AT WORK... BUT HE HAS LIMITED TIME BEFORE WORK OR AFTER WORK TO ACCESS THAT AS HE IS ON THE ROAD SO MUCH- TRUCKS & HEAVY EQUIPMENT OPERATOR.

5. Re the topic of privacy and trust..its a difficult one. After you have been lied to, i dont know if its reasonable to offer blind trust. I AGREE.
Not to mention, affairs and pornography are both addictive. The users really dont' have a lot of control. I think maybe checking up on them to make sure they havent' fallen off the wagon is better for you both.

If he were an alcohoic and promised to stop drinking would you just trust that and not check up on him? Is that a safe approach to handling that? Affairs, porn, and alcohol turn an entire household upside down...and despite their destructive qualities they are terribly hard to shake off. The idea that he just "stopped" and told you its all gone leaves me a bit stunned..most addicts---
I DO NOT THINK THAT IT IS/WAS AN ADDICTION- I DON'T THINK IT HAD GONE THAT FAR...don't just quit cold turkey that easily without some support and withdrawl...I didn't.

7. The other thing I can think of about the porn is did the two of you discuss how it made HIM feel when he was consuming it?
NO- WE DID NOT.

I don't know if shutting it out of his life will work...he wants it in some way. In my case my SO needed more attentiveness on my part, i can offer that. What was it that he needed the porn for? Did you ask if there was something he was missing?
YES...AND HE DID TELL ME THAT HE WAS FEELING A LITTLE INADEQUATE AT TIMES- THAT HE WAS AFRAID THAT HE WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH/SATISFYING FOR ME...
I think discussing how he feels about himself sexually may help build some trust here and get him thru this stage.

8. That he's volunteering information is a good sign, but he could fall off the wagon at any time, and he may be telling you about some of it just to give you some security. He may just REDUCE the frequency. I did that at first.
I REALLY DON'T THINK THERE THERE WAS ALOT OF FREQUENCY- THOUGH I COULD BE WRONG.


1. You said he lied about this before?
EARLY IN OUR DATING- I ASKED HIM OUTRIGHT ABOUT HIS POINT OF VIEW ON PORN-- AND IF HE PARTOOK OF IT. I THOUGHT THAT I WAS CLEAR ON MY POINT OF VIEW ON THE SUBJECT. HE SAID THAT HE DID NOT USE IT, DID NOT HAVE ANY NEED FOR IT- AND HAD NONE.

2. Was this always JUST magazines? No 1-900 numbers, no internet, no videos, etc? AS FAR AS I CAN TELL- YES.

3. How many times has he "fallen off the wagon?"
THIS IS THE VERY 1ST TIME WE HAVE HAD ANY ISSUE WITH THIS.

4. You may have to forgive me for this one, but how out of the norm was the material he was looking at?
NOTHING TO FORGIVE- ALL NORMAL STUFF- MALE/FEMALE ACTUAL INTERCOURSE PICS, ORAL SEX, JUST GIRLS IN POSE- GIRLS WITH DILDOS, THAT SORT. (YES- I LOOKED THRU THEM...)
If its particularly outlandish this may be too serioius to just quit outright.

5. Lastly, does he share material with anyone else? POSSIBLY. HE DID STATE THAT HE DID GET 1 OF THE MAGS FROM WORK...THAT IT WAS LEFT AROUND AND HE PICKED IT UP.
magazine swapping and sharing is common. Same with internet, you just find others with the same habit and swap photos and videos..it saves you from having to hunt for "the good stuff". If he hangs out with other guys that buy magazines regularly this may be an issue. Is it just that he owns the material or do you have issues with him consuming it as well? IT IS MORE THE FACT THAT IT WAS HIDDEN FROM ME- AND KEPT SECRET- I WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH LESS HURT IF HE HAD SHARED THE FACT THAT IT WAS HERE, OR EVEN ASKED ME TO LOOK AT IT WITH HIM, ETC. THE SECRECY AND LIE BEHIND IT ARE WHAT HURT ME- ESPECIALLY WHEN HE KNEW THAT I WAS SO VERY SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM AND THAT I WANT SEX WITH HIM SO OFTEN. AND THE FACT THAT I ALWAYS MADE SURE HE GOT "TAKEN CARE OF" EVEN IF WE DID NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE...WHEN THERE WERE PLENTY OF TIMES ""I"" HAVE GONE WITHOUT SF.

6. Have you made your needs and expectations CRYSTAL clear to him so there is no misunderstanding about what you DONT want him doing?YES.OR SO I THOUGHT AT ANY RATE.
Would you be ok with his buddies sharing some material with him casually? YES- THEY HAVE- THEY TAKE PERSONAL DVD PLAYERS TO WORK WITH THEM- AND OFTEN HAVE PORN ON DVD AND PLAY IT DURING DOWN TIMES- HE HAS TOLD ME THIS AND THAT HE HAD SEEN/ WATCHED SOME TOO- I MADE NO FUSS ABOUT THAT AT ALL. EVEN COMMENTED THAT I HAD SEEN SIMILAR STUFF BEFORE, TOO.

***Like I mentioned before- please read my previous posts-
the links i put up are for that purpose- THEY explain alot about our relationship leading up to this.......
And- thanks again for your input and candor. It is appreciated......


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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Hi. It does sound like he's being sincere. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just be attentive right now, since he's in withdrawal. It should only last a few weeks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Yeah my hubby had an internet porn issue too before he found a real person to hook up with. He would wait until I would go to work or asleep and start on the PC and whacking hinmself off. Pissed my off when I found out, then I guess he found another avenue. I realize it's a cry for attention, and I'm hoping when we start therapy this Friday we find a common ground to work on...I dunno, we'll see


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Hmmm....

I would categorize it as a cry for attention yes. But its important to remember its not the same as sex. Just offering more of what is being offered now may not help.

In some cases we use porn to offset what we are feeling is missing from our sex lives.

And Yes use of porn is an indicator early on that trouble is brewing and that an affair may follow.

I understand how upsetting porn addiction in your spouse can be, but its important NOT to criticize them.

This is something I am learning in my relationship. If you are CRITICAL of your partner's behaviour they won't STOP, they will just do it in SECRET.

Dishonesty is a terrible thing to have in a relationship. But if we don't invite our spouses to talk about their feelings and what they are missing or needing we will be dropped out of the loop. Trying to talk in a critical form won't help either.

My wife tried to talk to me about my use of porn and she was quite hostile. I didn't stop, i just shut her out completely. SHE ended up having an affair, but it could have gone either way.

My point is, we have to invite discussion, complaining just drives your partner away. I learned that lesson the hard way...it cost me an affair and a scarred marriage. :P

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I used to think porn was no big deal. We had several dvds. My husband was fine with them until after we had recovered from his a. He feels like love making should be between us and he felt like we were "bringing" someone else in with the dvds. It did not make sense to me - but since it was a stumbling block to him we got rid of them all. I don't know if this helps -

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I'll post here, because I'm male and have something to say on this.. I was a bit worried about your initial response here. I would say it was a bit overreactive. One reserved for such emergencies as actual affairs or real online affairs. (Which I caught my wife having an online affair a couple years ago.... )

I would not be upset at her using porn and she's not upset with me using porn. In fact she tells me that she's not in the mood and asks me to go take care of myself using porn. If it's used ever, it's used openly, unhidden. she says she doesn't mind me using it but doesn't want to watch it or anything. Which, whatever. If it bothers her, as much as it would bother you, I would discuss it openly, not hide it nor feel like I had to hide it. The day I have to hide anything from my wife is the day she should react like you did!!!


But anyways, the part that was wrong and that you figured out is that he didn't come to you, he didn't remain open with you about it, he lied about it, and all that, you figured out! That's the part that's morally wrong. I don't agree with using porn in a relationship, many of the principles in this website have very substantial and valuable reasons for why porn is bad in a relationship generally speaking. But, hiding it, violates the relational trust.

With that said, my wife has avoided having sex with me since we met and even got married. She used to offer to have sex with me maybe once to twice a year.. I had no choice, but to turn to porn.. It was that or an actual affair of some type.. Which I was too scared and too honorable to act on. Believe me, I've been tempted, and had someone been really into me, I may have acted upon dishonorable and horrible urges. But, the key is I never did, but a man has to have some for of satisfaction!! I"m just telling you the semi-valid, but invalid reasons that some men may turn to porn.. But, if you've been open and available to him, I am truely amazed that he would even want porn?

If I had someone that actually wanted to be with me and desired to be with me, porn would be the last thing on my mind.. I don't use it all the time to insure that I don't get addicted or something, and I am trying to find a way into or out of this marriage, as we more or less are friendly roommates that don't even have "special" priveliges. lol.

I somewhat agree that porn is wrong and can be destructive if lied about, hidden, but anything is wrong and destructive that's hidden or lied about for the most part.

So, I applaud your intuitiveness, honest, deductive reasoning, and the final out come of this so far! I think it's great strides at finding something special.

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