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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 198
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Compelled to add my perspective as a man.

Exposure to porn was a major contributing factor to my cheating on my wife before we were married, and my continued solicitation of sex after we were married.

Once I realized I had to stop my destructive behavior in my marriage, I confessed everything to my wife, and shared how porn corrupted my mind. I tried to explain to her that I still loved her, that I was merely looking to "get off", selfishly wanting to get as much "action" as possible.

The loveless, emotionless, purely self-gratifying sex depicted in porn twisted my mind into fantasizing about having the same experiences in reality. I became obsessed, and pursued the fantasies, always wanting more and more. My lust for women was insatiable. But, I did not pursue them with my wife b/c I loved her, and didn't want to treat her like one of the sluts I saw in porn videos.

She somewhat understood this, and told me that she didn't mind it if I wanted her as a "slut", that she wanted to fulfill my sexual fantasies. Our sex lives, before our present marital problems, became much more fulfilling after we openly discussed my porn addiction.

I eventually overcame my addiction through my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. I'll admit though, I'll fall off the wagon every now and then, especially with the ease of viewing it over the internet. One of the reasons I think it's so appealing to guys and we get so easily tempted to view it is our primal desire to "spread our seed". BUT, I now know we are more than just highly evolved apes, and that we can overcome this weakness of our flesh.

IMHO, porn is destructive. It perverts what sex was designed for. It skews what makes for a truly satisfying sexual experience - freakishly large body parts and degrading acts, over being with someone that unconditionally loves you.


FWH, BS (me), 43
BS, FWW, 42
DS 20, 13

PAs With W's Sister's Friend & Prostitute - SF Only (me), 1992-93
Married July 1994
Hit On W's Underage Sister & Close Friends, 1996-98
I Confessed Everything, Spring 1998
My D-Day, Jan. 2007
She Moved Out, Feb. 2007
Filed For D 4/18/07 For Legal Protection, Did Not Pursue

FWW Moved Back Home 08/05/07
Status: I'm Not Sure
(original thread of my sitch lost)
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 150
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Great testimony Sad Punk. You've inspired me to forego it.. I know I don't need it, yes it's tempting, and yes, I've used the same excuses many do.. And it's never lead me to wanting to cheat, or to do anything extremely destructive. The only reason I used it is because it didn't reject me. My wife has never offerred to fulfill any of my fantasies or even my sexual desire in any way. I have little hope she will in the future either. But, either way, I don't need it to live. AS you said, we aren't apes.

Joined: Mar 2007
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LL65, have you discussed with your wife your sexual desires? You may be surprised as I was that she may be more than willing to fulfill them.

Read the articles here on SF, they're ripe with knowledge in this area!


FWH, BS (me), 43
BS, FWW, 42
DS 20, 13

PAs With W's Sister's Friend & Prostitute - SF Only (me), 1992-93
Married July 1994
Hit On W's Underage Sister & Close Friends, 1996-98
I Confessed Everything, Spring 1998
My D-Day, Jan. 2007
She Moved Out, Feb. 2007
Filed For D 4/18/07 For Legal Protection, Did Not Pursue

FWW Moved Back Home 08/05/07
Status: I'm Not Sure
(original thread of my sitch lost)
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 150
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Posts: 150
Yes, we've discusssed them. she's been to a doctor given prescription, newly released medication, additional diabetic medication to help her body balance itself and for her to feel better in general and the first medication is sorta like a viagra for women to boost libido.

She literally has no desire for me, is what I've come to the conclusion of. As soon as she comes home from work, or even on weekends, there's not a chance.. Even with the medication, I don't know if it's me, she says it has nothing to do with me, but I don't know how that can be, because she'll tell me when she starts to feel something, and want to actually do something, but then when she sees me, there's nothing... I don't know what I've done or haven't done to cause this, but anyways, this was someone elses thread, don't want to thread jack..

I have other posts out there, detailing my story.

Joined: May 2006
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In response to Lovelost65- and all others...
Thanks for the candidness. I greatly appreciate it.
No further issues with the porn.... Sex has been much better- and our discussions have gotten easier - we're talking more & more about things, He truly is ( I believe with all my heart)honest and sincere...and has done nothing to indicate otherwise. I did ask him point blank if his porn was in any way a replacement for sex with me-- and he seemed genuinely hurt by that- told me it had nothing to do with me- was just a "source of entertainment" while out of town, working. Threw it away.... I had a horrible experience with a severe addict (to porn) - my 1st H...explained all to current Fiance- helped alot- and he seemed to understand- knew it was a source of pain for me- even from an old wound- and he does not like to see me hurting in any way! Also- before- I never had a voice in matters- was just a silent suffering victim--- No more- I have found my voice- though sometimes it is still VERY hard for me to use it effectively -- but I am learning- and so is he - to comprehend what I am asking for or trying to convey. When I Am writing- I can say anything! Just vocalizing my thoughts-- man it's a whole different thing. but I am working on it...................
Anyway- Yeah- I guess I did overreact a little- could have been a little more diplomatic in confrontation than I was- but never the less, issue was addressed, some understanding was reached and here we are. By the way- We did it!---
We got married on March 24th!!! (was supposed to wait til June- but I love him- and yeah- I do know He loves me, too. We've agreed that there will be issues that come up in our relationship- we are after all only human- but we have agreed to discuss any issues and work TOGETHER to resolve them. .......


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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4myself,

In reading this thread I had many thoughts. You two have not been together long and it seems that the ISSUE of PORN has been solved. I wonder if you see the greater issues and some of the things you two have learned. Have you two discussed what you have learned yet?

Let me offer you some of my thoughts and if anything is new please consider them. I suspect that many of them are not new to you.

1. You had a vibrator and did not realize that he might feel it was competition to him. Right?

2. He had porn felt is was normal "all of the guys have it" and he did not know the triggers it had for you, Right?

3. He lied about having the porn.

4. You failed to ask about the presence of the vibrator.

5. You confronted him on the porn and he offered his explanation and agreed to give it up because he had learned about your triggers from the past.

6. You learned about his feeling for the vibrator and have removed it as well.

Things are better. Here is why I think things are better.

One the issue was not the porn but your insecurities. The was not your vibrator but his insecurities. What saved the deal was HONESTY on both of your parts.

Lessons to be learned:

1. Honesty and openess really help a relationship. You had used a DJ by assuming that his lack of interest was due to the porn. I doubt it in his case. However, your openness, and candidness about your past and your feelings, coupled with him admitting his DJ, the vibrator was your replacement of him, have led to a deeper intimacy.

2. That you were willing to listen to him and not beat him up about this probably helped a lot.

3. IF you two will listen without love busting one another, open communications can and will make your relationship much better.

4. the fact that he knows your desires and needs will help abit.

Now let me make a few comments about some things to see if some perspective can be obtained. For most men, porn is a fantasy. It is a fantasy that some woman desires them. This in and of itself is not harmful and is why men call it "entertainment". In someways it is a fantasy just as woman find "bodacice rippers" entertainment, it is fantansy as well. Fabio makes a killing posing for those covers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The issue is when fantasy becomes fanaticism and the sole focus of ones thoughts and certainly that can happen with porn.

Where am I going? I would bet good money if your H traveled and you explained to him that your vibrator offered you a way to relax and handle him being gone, and you asked him if you could use it, he would say yes and NOT be threatened. I would also bet that undersome circumstances your H might be able to offer you a scenario where porn would be reluctantly acceptable to you.

Now my point is not that either case should or should not be accepted. The real issue was the perception that the other person had found a "replacement" and had redirected emotions and feelings toward the vibrator or the porn. This perception was evaporated by an honest discussion. I think it is in your best interest for him to know, that above all you 'treasure' knowing about is feelings and desires and you want to tell him yours. What you should agree to do is do so without judgement of the others feelings and desires.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ACCEPT THEM. This is the crucial thing most people fail to understand and in the process shut down communications. He should be able to come to you and talk about anything no matter how strange or kinky, with the understanding you will listen and accept them as his thoughts. But he and you both need to know that you don't have to accept them as your own beliefs or thoughts.

It allows an avenue of communications to develop without judgement, but still allowing the other person NOT to buy in and also not make a judgement.

I think if you review what has happened here with this particular topic, and how you two have handled it, you have the makings of really really getting your relationship to a deep level and a very rewarding one. Learn from what you two have just experienced. Talk about it, expand on it, and keep it in the forefront of both of your minds.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: Apr 2007
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Hello all,
Geez here I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I was a member many years ago.
I am divorced remarried One step daughter 1 son of my own. Married almost two years together almost 4 years. My H is great I love him very much we get thru so much BUTT
I really feel betrayed when he gets satisfied from the computer. Not once a week but twice three times a week last week I caught him I told him he had an addiction. He doesn't understand how less of a person it makes me feel or unwanted he doesn't think it is a big deal.


Wishing us all the best, ** ( __ J
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4myself Offline OP
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IN RESPONSE TO JL:\

Quote
4myself,

In reading this thread I had many thoughts. You two have not been together long and it seems that the ISSUE of PORN has been solved. I wonder if you see the greater issues and some of the things you two have learned. Have you two discussed what you have learned yet?

....NO....

Let me offer you some of my thoughts and if anything is new please consider them. I suspect that many of them are not new to you.

1. You had a vibrator and did not realize that he might feel it was competition to him. Right?

......YES

2. He had porn felt is was normal "all of the guys have it" and he did not know the triggers it had for you, Right?

.....YES

3. He lied about having the porn.

.....YES

4. You failed to ask about the presence of the vibrator.

......TRUE, I ALSO DID NOT HIDE IT... I ALSO NEVER CHANGED MY SEXUAL ADVANCES TOWARDS HIM- I WAS ALWAYS MOST ATTENTIVE AND VERY MUCH WANTON OF HIM....

5. You confronted him on the porn and he offered his explanation and agreed to give it up because he had learned about your triggers from the past.

......YES- AND HE SAW MY PAIN- THAT HE CAN NOT STAND-- IN THAT I ALSO SAW A DEEP PAIN THROUGH HIS EYES...

6. You learned about his feeling for the vibrator and have removed it as well.

...........THREW IT AWAY WITH THE MAGAZINES

Things are better.

....YES....VERY MUCH SO...

Here is why I think things are better.
One the issue was not the porn but your insecurities.

...THIS IS SO VERY TRUE- ON BOTH PARTS!!! I WAS AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED TO PORNOGRAPHIC FANTASY- I FELT SO MUCH LESS DESIRABLE, LESS LOVED...-- AND HE WAS AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED TO TO SOMETHING- OR SOMEONE- ELSE--I AM CERTAIN HE FELT SO MUCH LESS DESIRABLE, LESS ADEQUATE AND LESS LOVED......

The was not your vibrator but his insecurities. What saved the deal was HONESTY on both of your parts.


2. That you were willing to listen to him and not beat him up about this probably helped a lot.

....WHAT ELSE COULD I DO? (FORTUNATELY- I DID HAVE TIME BEFORE HE CAME HOME FOR MY ANGER TO SIMMER DOWN...)



Now let me make a few comments about some things to see if some perspective can be obtained. For most men, porn is a fantasy. It is a fantasy that some woman desires them.

... SO- HOW DOES THIS FIGURE IN WHEN A REAL WOMAN REALLY DOES WANT, NEED AND DESIRE HIM- AND MAKES EVERY POSSIBLE EFFORT TO SHOW AND TELL HIM SO??? (I'M SURE THERE WERE DAYS WHEN I PRACTICALLY "ATTACKED" HIM SEXUALLY)



Where am I going? I would bet good money if your H traveled and you explained to him that your vibrator offered you a way to relax and handle him being gone, and you asked him if you could use it, he would say yes and NOT be threatened. I would also bet that undersome circumstances your H might be able to offer you a scenario where porn would be reluctantly acceptable to you.

....THIS IS "POSSIBLE"-- THOUGH I REALLY FEEL NO NEED FOR IT ANYMORE...I HOPE HE FEELS THE SAME...(still alot of insecurity here for me...BUT I am holding it down and trying REALLY hard to banish it...)

Now my point is not that either case should or should not be accepted. The real issue was the perception that the other person had found a "replacement" and had redirected emotions and feelings toward the vibrator or the porn.

....I COULD NOT AGREE MORE...



JL
[color:"red"] [/color]


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
Joined: May 2006
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4myself Offline OP
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Hi...
I'm sorry to hear about your H and his computer porn....
All prayers are with you both.


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
Joined: Jan 2008
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..thi s IS 4myself..new screenname
Can anybody say "deja-vu"? "I told you so?"...
How about : "boy- were you suckered in?"
...came home tonite, CAUGHT him in the act with video-porn on internet.... now what?


M:37,H:33
M:03/07
together since 01/06
2DS: 18 & 9, DD:14

4Myself/4BetterorWorse/4-US
Joined: Jan 2008
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resurrecting an old post of mine... ties in with most recent issue...


M:37,H:33
M:03/07
together since 01/06
2DS: 18 & 9, DD:14

4Myself/4BetterorWorse/4-US
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