She is wondering whether or not she should end her affair and if she'll ever be in love with her husband again. Please start busting out the MB 2x4.

If you had a daughter, would you tell her to stay with a man that is verbally, emotionally and PHYSICALLY abusive? You people want to jump all over this poor girl so she can get humiliated and smacked around some more?

No she shouldn’t be having an affair, that is the wrong way to handle this situation, but should she really stay with her VERY YOUNG children married to a man that hurts her.

Bendover asks if she can have a trusting or meaningful relationship with her OM, but she isn’t having one with her HUSBAND. She can’t trust him not to hurt her and how does she know he won’t begin to hurt their children.

Also, bendover what kind of moral compass does a man have who thinks it’s ok to abuse his wife?

JM, you said she has no idea how much this hurts her husband, do YOU have any idea how much it hurts to be HURT by the one who is supposed to love you and protect you?

What is wrong with you people?!?!

Jim... I have to ask you to step back for a minute and look at the advice you have given two different women today... Erica and Lostsheep. It is as if you have missed HUGE parts of their story.
Is there something going on with you right now that is causing your focus to shift??? Are you okay?

Lillith, you are right.

First of all, she NEVER she that he was PHYSICALLY abusive towards her. She may have said he was violent, but I don't know what that means. Did he punch a wall, does he get into fights at bars, who knows? Certainly you don't. Just because he's abusive doesn't excuse her behavior. If he abuses her, she should call the police, not [censored] a mutual friend. That is emotional abuse to her husband.

I didn't say that she SHOULD stay with her husband, I was just answering if she COULD fall in love with her H again. I believe, yes, she could if they both got into counseling and worked on their M.

If I had a daughter, I would be verbally abusive towards her if I ever found out she was having an affair.

Bendover never said it was okay to abuse your wife, but you excused a woman having an affair on her husband. What kind of moral compass do you have?

Of course I know how much it hurts to be HURT by someone who is supposed to love an protect you, my WW carried on her A right in front of my face. I wanted to die, I seriously contemplated suicide several times, I couldn't sleep more than 3-4 hours a night, I couldn't force down more than 1200-1400 calories a day (and I am 6' 225lbs), I lost 30 lbs, and I could barely function at work for months. Yeah, I know how it feels, but I certainly didn't screw around on my spouse.

I never excused her affair. Try again.

Jim... you are off base here. I suspect something is bothering you. Lillith clearly said the affair was wrong.

Don't have time to check the threads right now Jim...I'll see if I have anything to add to them later...Just wanted to let you know that I saw the call out!

Mrs. W

from Ericas first post



People do not make violent physical threats to walls... and even if he did... verbal abuse with any threat of viloence is a MAJOR warning sign to find safety. And PHYSICAL THREATS are physically abusive Jim.

I'm not excusing her BH. If he is abusive, call the cops, get a RO, D him, I don't care. I'm just telling her to stop screwing OM. Isn't that the standard MB advice? It sounded to me like she was using his behavior to justify hers, and I was calling her out on it. I'm not talking to her husband, and I can't get him to change his behavior, only her to change hers. She asked if she could ever love her husband again. I told her it was possible, but not as long as the OM is in the picture. I'm sorry if that wasn't good enough for you guys.

This is spot on advice, but that's not all you said.

Also, it's really easy for a man to tell a woman to "get a RO or a D" as most likely he's never had to endure the soul damaging venom, aggression and humiliation that a victim of abuse experiences as a matter of course.

It's very possible that erica doesn't even understand the depths of abuse, obviously, as she is now downplaying the frequency of his physical abuse; abused people rarely do. Considering she is only 20 and has been with him since she was 15, it is likely that abuse is all she knows. When you live with it everyday, it seems normal. I know it did for me.

She needs to end her affair but not in an effort to save her marriage but in an effort to save herself and her children.

I posted to her - similar situation but a decade older - btdt - and the guy I was involved with while getting out of my abusive first marriage turned out worse than the first one, 8 years and 5 kids later, going through separating due to abuse again...