My husband keeps saying that we need to get through this situation quickly. Is it to save his reputation? He says it isn't but how can I be sure he's sincere? How can I be sure that he truly is sorry when I don't believe he knows how to be sorry? The truth is that I don't even care anymore. I tell him that I don't wish that the infidelity wouldn't have happened, I just wish I would have left. I don't love him anymore and no longer want to be married to him. I wish he would stop using the children as an excuse for me staying.

Not knowing the situation, it seems to me that you should be looking at the root cause of why you do not care. Any love there may find be hard to uncover, but you came here looking for help, which on some level means you want to find a way through, not around, your situation.

I don't know if it's because I'm stubborn, but I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that it's ok to leave. Because I'm a Christian, it just seems that all the counsel I'm getting just makes me the door mat. It seems as if everyone is just pushing me to get over it. I've always said that if something like this ever happened to me that I would not stick around.
Nothing in me desires to work this out. Everything, however, is telling me to run now while I still the chance.

RD:

What are you running away from?

Did your H have an Affair with someone else?

Or did you?

Or is it something else?

If you start reading some of the older threads around here, you will find many of them stating quite clearly early on that "if it happened to me, I wouldn't stick around"

But they end up doing it.

Because an affair happened doesn't mean a marriage ends.

Ok?

Now, give some info so we can start helping you.

It's Friday night and not much traffic around here, but stay around, and you will start to get help.

How old are you?
Your Husbands Age:
Kids:
Ages
Married When:
Date affair revealed:
Date Affair ended:
Did It?
How long did you know H before marriage?

My husband had an affair that lasted 6 months. He says that he didn't care about her but it's not possible to be so intimate with someone and not develop any feelings for them especially considering the fact that his lover became pregnant. He even told her that if she decided to keep the baby that he would leave me to be with her and the child. (I was pregnant at the same time. He considered leaving me, pregnant, to be with her)
I had a miscarriage and went through the whole process by myself while my husband slept. He went to school the next morning and I went to the doctor by myself.
She had an abortion and my husband went to comfort and be with her. If that isn't caring for her, I don't know what is.
Also, the way the confession unraveled really bothers me. I'm a christian and really believe that God prompted me to ask about his relationship with the OW. He told me 8 months ago that it was a one night stand. I was willing at the time to consider it temporary insanity, if that makes any sense. It hurt but I was willing to work through it.
It was still bothering me several weeks ago and wanted some more details so I asked again. He finally admitted that it was in fact an affair that lasted 6 months.
One of the most devastating blows came when he told me that they had unprotected sex. It seems as though if God wouldn't have prompted me to ask, he would have kept it a secret forever. It was not like his confession came from a remorseful heart. It was more like he was exposed. And it's not like he admitted everything when he told me what happened. He kept lying about different things such as having unprotected sex, her getting pregnant, and him giving her money for an abortion.

It just seems like I'm numb to all his attempts to make amends. Part of me doesn't want our marriage to work. The other part wishes another affair would happen. It's like I don't know how to live without some kind of pain in my life.

It hurts so much that it doesn't hurt.

-I'm 25 years old
-he's also 25
-i learned about the affair almost 1 month ago
-the affair was 3 years ago
-we have 1 daughter and I'm 5 months pregnant, which makes it even more difficult.
-we got married at 18

Sorry to write so much but thank you for listening to my story.

I feel for you.

My H had an A. I found out 15 years later. He was going to take it to his grave. And, like you, I was pregnant at the time. He also lied at first.

It took over 2+ years (of many betrayals, lies and d-days) for me to find out:

it wasn't once - it was 2 months...then.....it was a year.
She was insanely hot and very young
He gave her $10,000
He took her to a 5 star resort on an island when I was 5 mos. pregnant.
He invented a trip 9 days after I gave birth to be with her
He only ended it because a partner found out
he only told me because same partner threatened to tell
he tried to start it up 2 years after it ended
he spoke to her 4-5x a year for the next 15 years
he always used a condom - nope - that was only the first time
She loved wearing his shirts
Friends of ours knew - that we were with often in the next 15 years
There was another OW, a ONS right around our wedding
he had a pornography addiction
and many more lies and betrayals and d-days

Noodle has given your H a TON of great advice.
I am not really sure what to tell you. It all just sucks. It is hard. it hurts. All you feelings of hurt and sadness are entirely justified.
Your life is profoundly changed.
You will trigger now. It is devastating.
Your anger is completely understandable.
You will learn alot about love, pain, trauma, hurt, core hurts, core value and compassion, no matter what happens to your M
Now you have a rare chance at a truly intimate marriage

it's difficult for me to even come to this board, as the raw pain here is palpable. I just wanted you to know I understand everything you are feeling.

I hope you are caring for yourself. Eating, sleeping, connecting with things that comfort you. This is extremely important. It is very easy to become obsessed with the betrayal, as if that would protect you. It won't. It already happened. Your most beloved and trusted friend stole your choices, and that changes your world view. Unfortunately, the person you would normally go to for comfort seems like the enemy. In your eyes, he will morph between your friend and enemy alot in the days to come. This journey is not for the faint of heart.

He is devastated too, but in a much different way. He has to live with his behavior. Every time he looks at you now, he is reminded of how he abandoned his values. He will need to do some hard work in the coming months-years to heal as well, no matter what becomes of your M.

Now you have to be your own comfort for a while. I am so sorry. I know he is too. I hope someday you will be able to believe that. I hope you both find compassion and comfort. In the meantime, please don't hurt yourself any more than you can help. Be kind and caring to yourself. You need it and deserve it.

My husband has been going online and trying to give me statistics on what happens to kids from divorced homes. He says that the rate of suicide among teens with divorced parents is extremely high. He says that the drop out rate of kids with divorced parents is really high also. He's going online to try to scare me into staying married to him. He also says that if any of these things happen to my children that I only have myself to blame because I was the one that gave up. I'm so angry. I'm heart broken thinking that these things could happen to my children. I don't want them to happen to them but I don't want to be married to him. I don't want to be manipulated into staying and always having resentment in heart towards him. I hate him so much for putting me this position. I hate him for doing this to my children. What should I do????

recoverydriven, I'm so sorry for the pain you're enduring. My heart truly goes out to you, and I'll pray for you.

It doesn't sound to me like your H is remorseful at all. He's more concerned about losing his rep like you stated initially than about what he's done to you. He really is an a** for trying to guilt you into staying w/ him by showing you all those stats. What a pig!

I was once a lowlife and cheated on my wife before we married, and solicited sex afterwards. I'm also Christian, and it took the Lord allowing me to go as far as I did (read my story in my sig) to wake me up from how far down the depths of darkness I allowed myself to go. I truly repented, and when I confessed to my wife, I was completely prepared to accept the consequences of my actions, such as her D-ing me. I think that's one true sign of remorse, being willing to accept ALL the consequences. If he's truly sorry, he MUST accept that it will take YEARS to gain your trust again. An A is not something that anyone should sweep under the rug and get over w/ quickly.

I don't really have any advice, other than offering some Scripture. Jesus gave us one sole condition for D, and that's adultery. If you decide that is your only choice, you are in the right in God's view. All your feelings and emotions are completely valid. Do some soul searching and ask yourself if you truly do love this man. True love is unconditional love, as Christ loved us while we were yet sinners; He did not require us to do anything first before He loved us.

Can you love your husband enough to forgive his mistake, which we all do make? We are commanded to be forgiving, and forgiveness is only one of the first steps. Forgiveness DOES NOT EQUAL reconciliation. In order to remain married, he must hold up his end of the vows you made to each other.

Keep reading and studying this site, buy the books, learn, study! Allow God to work in your life and help you through this, as only the Lord can truly heal a wounded soul.

RecoveryDriven,

This is a marriage rebuilding site, but it is not a marriage at all costs site.

You lost a child to a miscarriage, you have another child, and you are now pregnant. I would really suggest you seek counseling first. You should NOT be guilted into remaining in this marriage. You have biblical reasons to leave the marriage. But, you should make sure your current emotions are not being driven by other factors such as depression from the miscarriage, or pregnancy etc.

Make sure you will look back and know you did all you could do. If you have and still feel the need to leave him, then do it. Divorce is NOT good for kids, but it does not mean an automatic sentence of a bad life for them either. Again, seek counseling and advice about this as well.

You are carrying a heavy load, see if you can address that first. Your H may not want to lose you but unless something changes it seems from your post he already has. Seek the counseling first, then make your decision.

People here will help you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: It will take you a lot longer than one month to get over his affair. Give yourself a little time OK?

recoverydriven,
Are you still around?
It is not surprising to me that you have so much anger toward your FWH. It does not sound like he has taken much responsibility for the choices he has made that have put you in this difficult situation.

If you desire recovery, I would recommend MB counseling - he is not focused on your needs and where you are coming from and MB coaching will help with that, meeting each other's needs. And not out of guilt!

Judith Wallerstein has a great 25 yr study on the effects of divorce on kids. But the good Dr. Phil also has a point when he says "kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one" -- and your FWH doesn't sound like he is taking the necessary steps yet to repair your home.

MSA