Dr Harley advised someone that once a spouse has an A, the partners should never spend a night apart after recovery

WOW! i can't imagine how hard this would be to stick to for the rest of your life

and would you WANT TO

always being afraid that if you left your spouse alone for ONE night they would cheat on you?

i have to say i wouldn't want to live like that

i've already been through that and it wasn't recovery....it was during the A

i would think recovery would be BETTER

You know Eav, that would not work for me. I am a very trusting person, and need a trustworthy partner. I tried to save the marriage, but now am divorced, and sometimes it is a HUGE relief. I don't have to ever worry about ex again.

i wouldn't want to live that way

afraid all of the time!

i would think that after recovery, with the harley's plan in place where you both are meeting the emotional needs of your partner

and providing

care
protection
honesty
time

then i would think that given time to recover, trust should be rebuilt enough that you can spend a night separate from each other without fearing that your spouse would cheat

in fact, i would rather not be with a person if i had to be afraid like this

aware it could happen, i get that
taking reasonable precautions, i get that

but this seems like too much

Dr Harley also stated that if either spouse has a job that expects them to travel and be away alot, they should change jobs

i get that

but he also said not to be apart for even ONE night

No, that wouldn't be living for me. I put too much into my relationships to put up with that. Maybe that is why I'm divorced.

I know others here have different ideas. Some think it is fine to have SF with a spouse that has been dipping into the seminal pool. I DON'T, and if that is what it took to save my marriage, I guess I'd rather be divorced.

You know, this reminds me exactly of the relationship my ex and the ow have right now.

They are joined at the hip.

They have never spent a moment apart since he left me and moved in with her.

To me it seems desperate, untrusting.

They see it as the love of soulmates.

But doesn't everyone need some time to themselves, sometime?

But going back to what Dr Harley said... I guess that's what it may take to save a marriage and trust broken by infidelity..

I had a marriage for 20 years that was "live and let live" "go do your thing, and I trust you," "I'm going to stay with my gfs this weekend" ad nauseum.

Every time I missed my husband tremendously, and he ended up feeling as if I didn't need him.

Also I didn't think twice when he went to the beach for a weekend without me, since I had to work. He took the MOW!

So at 44 after 2+ years in recovery, I'm happy that my husband immediately agreed with Dr. Harley about never spending the night apart again. It WAS one of the first things we read and is quoted on the main site, after all.

Why would I NEED to sleep somewhere without my husband? Why would I WANT to? This is part of the BETTER MARRIAGE we REBUILT, and I love it.

Just sign me, HAPPIER WHEN JOINED AT THE HIP.

That wouldn't have worked for me either. My stbx was very cunning and sneaky. That advice does almost suggest that you cannot trust them. What about when they "Go out with some friends" That would apply too. My X was doing what she did while "out with friends". It would only be a matter of time before she did that too. You have to trust your spouse, but after they cheat when "out with friends" future occurrences of that activity would only open the door to the possibility they are back at it.

My husband chooses not to go out with friends, unless I'm invited. I choose the same, and I ain't missing a thing. I'm not married to my friends.

I am married to my best friend.

This is very much what happened to me, too. He spent more and more time away from me, sometimes on business travel and sometimes for fun, and soon fell into a hard-core lifestyle of Work in one box and Home in the other - and I was *only* existent for him in the box marked Home.

I think the rest of y'all are looking at this the wrong way.

You don't insist on spending nights together because you don't trust your partner and have to be there all the time.

You insist on spending nights together because you want to nurture and feed *that* relationship and make sure it's the one that grows and thrives.

My husband spent his available time nurturing and feeding his relationships with the women he works with, while our marriage starved and went without. He thought nothing of spending as many nights away from home as he wanted - after all, he stayed in great hotels, ate in great restaurants, and had great female companionship - all of it courtesy of his beloved Company.

Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda, were famous for never spending a night apart (except for when he got busted for pot in Japan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

They were also famous for having one of the best and longest-lasting marriages in show business.

Do you think they only stayed so close together because there was no trust and they had to keep a close watch?

I don't think so.
Mulan

This is NOT A BAD THING..in REAL RECOVERY...

It does not come from FEAR...NOW...

My H's out of town this weekend...in a far away NEW PLACE for him..

Very first time that he's been that far away WITHOUT ME...

He hates being without me even one day and will tell you so..

WHY???? He is SOOOO in love with me..

It's more than that. It's hard for me to put it into words since we now have this "AFFAIR-PROOF MARRIAGE" as Dr. Harley would say. We meet each others' primary ENs. We are the source of each others' happiness....

So yesterday he called me practically..ALL DAY..telling me how much he misses me..that doing his job wouldn't be worth it without me in his life..

It's almost a MIRACLE to hear those WORDS coming from his mouth...

I AGREE..not ONE NIGHT AWAY...

Not out of fear..but because WE LOVE BEING WITH EACH OTHER...

Mulan - there's some nasty rumour in the British tabloids that Paul Macca was abusive to his wife, Linda. There are, apparently, tapes to prove it. I dunno if it's true but it would be sad to find out it was true as I always thought them a wonderful example of togetherness.

As for me, I will spend time apart from my husband occasionally. I dearly love my parents and it is important for me to see them once a year, despite the distance between us (7000 miles!). My husband is greatly restricted in his ability to travel so I'll go alone. If he chooses to cheat on me when I am away then I say, "more the fool him" because I gave him a one time opportunity to come back home. He won't have to cook or clean for himself - that is all taken care of. He just has to 'not cheat' and look after our kids for a week.

By the way, Mimi and Mates - I'm pretty sure you both adore your husbands because they climbed on board the recovery train whole-heartedly. Speaking for myself, it has been a long haul and I still wonder each day is it worth it? The answer is invariably "yes" but it will be a blessing when the question no longer plays on my mind (if ever).

Yeah, I've heard that rumor too, but remember - Macca is going through a hideous divorce right now and I don't think she would stop at anything to make him look bad. There was never a whisper about abuse while Linda was alive or even after - not until, strangely enough, Paul's gold-digging STBXW is trying to take him to the (Really Big) cleaners.

And you can make tapes that sound like *anything*. I ain't buyin' this one.
Mulan

Tuck:

My H didn't climb right on board..One year in Recovery before he was BASICALLY normal again..still pretty FOGGY after 6 months..

What helped me was to FOCUS ON MYSELF..kind of like PLAN A..I focused on doing MY PART..meeting HIS PRIMARY ENs and he began SLOWLY BUT SURELY doing the same..meeting my needs...

I also had to FOCUS ON MY OWN PERSONAL RECOVERY..feeling OK about MYSELF..making MYSELF STRONGER..because he was such a MESS...

here's an example of what imean

when we went home to visit families who live 3 hours away, sometimes my H would end up staying at his dad's house and i would stay at my dad's house or my sisters house (about 20 minutes away)

it's not that we didn't want to be together, it's just that it gave us more time to squeeze in with our family.

My sister and i would stay up until the wee-hours and then get up and go off shopping early in the morning.

my H's brother would come to his dad's house and stay until the wee-hours to get every minute in with him

if i couldn't trust my spouse to do something like that, well that's no kind of way to live

(and Mimi, you just posted that your H IS away from you for the weekend. SO are youn saying that you adhered strictly to this in the early years of recovery and now have enough trust again that you can, on occasion, now be apart if needed?)
honestly, if

There is NO WAY that I would give spending time with my family priority over time with my H..

MARRIAGE IS FORSAKING ALL OTHERS...

During the GOOD TIMES of our marriage, we NEVER would have done what you did, Eav...

The problems in our marriage started because we stopped making each other the HIGHEST PRIORITY in our lives...



It's not about TRUST...

We don't like being away from each other...

We decided this weekend not to do this again..

We both HATE it..

He won't go without me PERIOD...

Unless it's an EMERGENCY...

Mimi is exactly right. This is how marriage should be viewed. The trust issue is entirely secondary, IMO; this is a matter of placing my marriage above my other relationships. When we visit family, we go together and we spend that time with my family as a couple. We are a COUPLE, not 2 single people, so why would we act single?

We are currently in the process of being transferred to another city [both of us] and we have both had to endure some nights apart. We hate it. I can see how this apart time has effected our marriage in a negative way. It takes us a couple of days to get back to our usual level of closeness and we both hate it. I can very much see how living like this could negatively impair the level of intimacy in a marriage.

Mimi, before I actually experienced an intimate, joyous marriage, I never understood any of this either, so I can understand some of the objections on this thread. I actually used to BRAG in my last marriage that my H and I were "not joined at the hip. If one of us died we would have perfectly FULL lives without each other."

Unbelievable, huh? I didnt realize that I was celebrating the poison called DETACHMENT that results from an independent lifestyle, which eventually led to our divorce. I won't make the same mistake twice.

Dr. Harley is a genius, isn't he?

Unfortunately my job takes me away from time to time. Before the affair I was away almost every week for most of the week. It took a huge toll and was a major factor in the affair.

My WH is home EVERY night in bed w/ me. and He still cheats on me!! Dirty Dog! He is a sneaky one!