Is it me or has infidelity become the norm in our society? It seems like every married and partnered (as well as single person who hopes to marry someday) person I know winks at fidelity, it's not that they all have PA's but it seems as though a lot of people I know believe that it is normal and healthy to have flirtations, (as long as they don't lead to PA's) opposite sex friends, to keep secrets from their spouse, and to behave in an independent manner.

Time and time again I have been witness to co-workers, school-mates, and friend’s and family members in relationships who have told me about the "friend" that their spouse doesn't know about. They seem to think that it's no big deal to slip out for a drink with this friend, to keep up email flirtations with these friend's; things of that nature…etc.

As long as it doesn't lead to PA's they feel like their actions are not harmful to their marriages nor are they immoral. I am considered old fashioned and slightly crazy for believing different.


This has put me in the position of looking like a possessive nut-job wife because I don't believe that those things are right. Unfortunately my husband tends to go along with the crowd on those issues. He goes along with me (unwillingly and out of fear of repercussions not from any feeling that it is the right thing to do) but at the same time I have a reputation amongst his friends for being jealous and possessive because I take offense to the actions that I listed in my first paragraph.

I guess I could join him since I can't beat him but it doesn't feel right to me.

In your RL world how are you views on marriage and fidelity viewed? I feel as though pretty much everyone I know (husband included) looks down on me for my views on marriage.

Sometimes, I feel as though I am swimming upstream that my views are unrealistic for the world we live in today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

noodle <---- member in good standing of the jealous nut and bigot club.

I am blown away. It's funny that I just made this post and the husband has company tonight. This friend of his has been in a relationship with a woman for over a year now. I heard him speaking in a low tone to the husband a bit earlier and I heard the name of a mutual acquaintaince of all of ours come up. Husband comes into the bedroom and tells me that this woman who is married performed oral sex on him in the bathroom at their job.

This woman is married with a 1-year-old and we all know her husband. Not only that I kind of like his friend's gf. I think she is very nice and I know she would be heartbroken if she found out.

It's sickening and I am so disgusted.

Makes me wonder what else is going on at the job?

So when are you exposing this to that womans husband?

Not only that, maybe I am just a little bit over sensitive, but has anyone else noticed on a few of the television shows, that cheating seems to happen more frequently now than before. I watch quite a few shows, and I am blown away when infidelity has been worked into the story line.

Almost makes you wonder how many people are becoming desensitized over the subject. Enough of that, and excuses like clinton used, oral isn't sex... and you wonder what the moral majority of the country is being reduced to.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that infidelity isn't illegal.

Rape and murder are all over the newspapers and in our 'entertainment' too, but although we are no doubt desensitized to these things, decent people still think they are wrong.

I believe that infidelity is at least as devastating to the BS as a violent rape. But it's still legal. You can't even sue for mental cruelty, as far as I know.

When atrocities such as rape and murder are deemed as 'evil' by our law and justice systems, good people tend to accept that yes - these things are indeed evil. But no-one knows how bad infidelity is unless they've actually experienced it. After all, instead of seeing it as cruel and evil, most people see it as nudge nudge, wink wink amusing.

Until it happens to them!

That has to be the best way of explaining how I felt after I discovered my STBXW's A yet. I never thought of it that way, but definitely how I felt.

I'm not sure if it's become "the norm" but it certainly has become more normal and less stigmatized than it used to be - just like divorce, having children out of wedlock, and a whole lot of other things (some good and some bad).

I think people still think it's 'bad' but they just don't get as excited about it as they once did. And, like rape, there are a lot of "s/he asked for it or must have deserved it" myths floating around.


Your views might BE unrealistic when applied to society at large. I mean that in a pragmatic - you can't change the world kind of way - not in a "people can't be faithful" kind of way. I also mean unrealistic in the 'not consistent with reality as it presents itself' (ie. lots of people really DO wink at infidelity) way rather than speaking to how things "should" be way.

Your views are different from those people around you. Your views might even be different than your H's general 'sense' or 'feeling' on the topic. It doesn't matter because you and your marriage are the only things you have any control over. You can't fix other people's attitudes. And, it sounds like your H is willing to play things your way. You can continue to speak out, educate, and share your point of view -- but at a certain point people have to make up their own minds and you are speaking against a loud chorus of the opposite opinion.

It doesn't mean that fidelity isn't possible for you. It doesn't mean that you can't continue to advocate for fidelity and building stronger marriages. It does mean that it's wise to recognize THAT there's an alternate opinion out there and it's very popular.

Mys

Ack, this is the part that is giving me a headache.

These people are just acquaintances they are not friends. My husband used to be friends with the husband but they had a falling out. He works with the woman so there could be repercussions if I expose because they would know who did the exposing. Only four people know the two that were involved and the two of us. They aren’t going to tell, he wouldn't tell cuz he isn't even speaking to the guy anymore. So that means if I expose I will be exposed. It's the moral thing to do but at the same time it would create problems for me. I am not really worried about what my husband would say or do but it's the people who are involved that I might have a problem with.

I wish I could do it anonymously because people always promise that they won't tell how they found out but they usually do.

Almond - the next time somebody is winking and giggling about infidelity, just look at them and tell them that you sincerely hope they wind up married to someone who shares their same exact values and who doesn't believe in being faithful any more than they do - and that you hope the two of them (or four or five or six of them) will be very happy together.
Mulan

Good one Mulan, Lol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />