My BF and I have been dating for about seven months, although at the moment we are living in different countries! We only see each other every few months. We knew each other as friends for years before we got together, and so know each other pretty well.

He has always needed an attractive mate. I would say this is his Number One EN. He has always said that he couldn't be with someone who wasn't attractive. I guess I thought this was kind of shallow, but it was never really a problem before.

Now I have begun taking a new medication for a condition I have. It is making my hair fall out. Every morning in the shower, handfuls are stuck in the drain.

I have talked to my doctor - there is no other medication I can take nor can I reduce the dose. If I don't take the medication, I could die. I can be healthy and bald, or sick, possibly dying, with hair.

I am devastated about this. I realise there is much I can do with wigs and scarves etc, but I am very worried about intimate, private moments with my BF.

I look in the mirror - I am not the pretty woman he needs any more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He hasn't seen me like this yet, although I have told him about it. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I feel embarrassed too. Frankly, I don't want him to see me like this, and see the disappointment in his eyes.

What can I do?

Sweetheart, if he is that shallow, you'd be better off without him. There is more to love than physical attraction. There's got to be substance behind it because beauty is fleeting. If you got married, how would you feel if you saw 'disappointment' in his eyes every day he looked at you when you're old and wrinkly? Personally, I think when two people are right together, it is far more than just physical attraction that binds them together.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with the EN of attractiveness, but I am saying there's got to be more than just that between two people. When there is more than just that in a relatioinship, and two people are right for each other, you could grow two heads and it wouldn't make a difference to him. He would still think you were beautiful.

This must be awful for you. When do you see him next? How old are you both?

Hi lucyloo.

I am 38, and so is he. He wants to come and see me in April.

I must say that, even before I started losing my hair, I wondered about the 'old and wrinkly' part as well, and whether he'd stick around or run off with someone younger (like my ex did!).

We don't have a great deal in common, either. What we do have is a long shared history of friendship and memories, which I don't want to lose.

I don't feel I can trust him to share this with me. I guess that's my answer in a nutshell, isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

By the way, you know me, I hope... I am posting under a different name because my ex was reading here. I used to be married to Noddy!

I don't want to add any pain to what you are already feeling but I think you've brought up a good point about this man looking for a more attractive partner in the future.

For those whose number one EN is an AS it's reasonable to assume their feelings for their partner are closely tied with attractiveness. If, for whatever reason, they find their partner unattractive, how will their feelings change? Can they now say attractiveness no longer matters? Have they changed or come to appreciate their partner on a deeper level & discovered they are attracted by more than appearance?

I don't know.

I'm very sorry to hear you're ill.

Let me ask you a question please. Are you the same woman who had a BF living in another country who wanted to end the relationship in part because you felt he exacerbated your symptoms?

Hi Olanya,

I'm sorry to hear about your illness.I do hope your medication can keep you healthy.That really is the most important thing.Hair is important too but I think it's clear which should be the priority.

In my opinion,I would just be honest about all that is going on and if your BF finds that he can't deal with what is going on and the hair loss is too much for him to handle then he needs to find another path in life I guess.I don't know if you both are in love or to what degree you care about eachother but when things get tough,usually the one that loves you will stick by you,or,they should anyway.

But in my experience as well,some people do not handle illness well and flee.It seems shallow but we all have limits.You aren't married and only have been dating 7 months so your BF might decide he isn't able to cope with it all.Who knows.It would be great if he could support but long distance relationships also put a burden on that as well.

When do you see him again in person?

Yes, that's me. Sorry to seem furtive, but had to re-register because my ex started reading here.

My BF and I had a good talk over Christmas - I told him that I didn't feel I could move in with him, and he was OK with that. We decided we should just date for the time being. This took a lot of pressure off me (and him, I think).

I care about him deeply, and there are many good things about him - he's kind, gentle and very generous. I guess that the fact I get so stressed out about him would indicate that we aren't right for each other, though.

Like my ex! My BF has handles my actual illness pretty well so far, I think. He always asks about my appointments, what the doctor has said, how I'm feeling etc. It's just the physical fallout (if you'll pardon the pun) that is concerning me now.

I can't even hold it against him, can't blame him. I knew he had this EN when we got together - I don't see it as a fault (previously I thought he was kind of shallow, but I now know that many people have this EN, and it doesn't mean they can't have full and loving relationships). It even seems kind of like a deal-breaker on my part in a way. He thought he was getting a fairly cute lady and now he's getting a bald one instead.

If we had been married when this happened, it would have been totally different.

BTW, he wants to come see me in April, last he said.

Well now of course I know you!! The proverbial No**y. I'm glad I found you...and I've never even looked in Dating & Relationships before. Your insight has helped me alot (so I feel a bit silly for my first post to you above!)

Just a thought though...if he knows your old name and he therefore now knows his affectionate (spew) nickname...if he did a search, would he find you again? Or is he not that clever?

My WH was (is) an extremely handsome man and I never felt like I lived up to him in that department. Even men would stare at him when we walked down the streets of London together!! And I think that attractiveness was far more important to him than what he ever admitted, so, in a nutshell, I think I'm forever put off with the thought of having to deal with someone who has such a strong need for an attractive mate again. It was constantly in the back of my mind that I didn't feel 'pretty' enough throughtout our entire marriage and I always wondered if I was a disappointment when I'd see the gorgeous woman that would catch his eye.

I'm waffling a bit....but, if you don't have much in common except shared history and memories is it more that you feel 'safe' with him because he's tied to your past? I know that I feel a closeness with anyone that lives here in Oz now but that shared my life & memories with me when I lived in the UK. (My relationship with WH was long-distant for almost 2 years too, and that is something else with huge pitfalls - not saying it can't work, but it's very hard and stressful).

April's not too far away and I think you'll get a much better indication of things then. And just cause you're loosing your hair doesn't mean you still aint cute!

I have no ideas for you, only a hug from across the pond, and loads of sympathy. I have a few choices in the medications I can take for my life threatening condition, but they all have nasty side affects: loosing hair among them. I switch to a new medication next week and I too may face the choice of being bald and functional or sick with hair.

Sometime life just sucks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Some women look fine without hair. No hair emphasizes the eyes and face more.

Olanya, I say give this guy a chance. Send him a picture of you without hair and see what he thinks. Our ideas of what's attractive change. Most men do not expect women to look like Victoria's Secret models. Many men actually look at women with those looks and think "Not worth the effort. Too high maintanence." Also, as we get older, we find those of our age attractive. We may estetically admire the looks of a 22 year old, but we wouldn't actually want to date them!

Harley describes an Attractive Spouse as one that is well put together, not necessarily drop dead gorgeous. As we age our looks change and making the most of what we have should make us attractive to our spouse who has this EN.

Your use of wigs and scarves is in that category of making the most of what you have. A lot of bald men use hairpieces. What do you think that their spouses think in the privacy of their house when the hairpiece comes off? Or if a cancer survivor has only one breast?

A "normal" person with an AS EN will overlook a "flaw" caused by a medical condition if you are confident and make the most of what you have. Maybe that the defining point between "normal" and "shallow".

If his primary need is for an attractive spouse and your "look" doesn't fit that model, then it may be that he's not the one for you. You could still have a very dear friend if he is not your lover.

V.

You know, true love finds a way through EVERY difficulty in life. It's all about what matters at 50, not what attracts at 25 or 30!!!

I think some of the most poignant, wonderfully awesome moments I've ever witnessed was watching the extreme love & doting of Christopher Reeves dear wife as "Superman" wasted away into nothingness so far as his physical attractiveness & abilities were concerned.

Not THAT is true love...and what is worth waiting for.

I will offer you a sincere (((HUG))) for the pain you are going through. There is One who created you ... and HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

Things seem to be going a little better.

He has been trying to convince me that what he has said for all these years - ie that he couldn't be with someone who wasn't attractive - was just part of his immaturity and that he doesn't really feel that way. Becasue it's me and I am different from all the other women (the lingerie model, the Naomi Campbell look-alike) that he went out with previously.

I choose to believe him. What else can I do at this point? Knowing that he is very visual (even for a man), I do choose to believe him.

Although I still have my doubts, I can't help it. Seeing him look at other women, knowing the type of women he has dated before (ie drop-dead gorgeous). Knowing that I am not that type of woman.

Am I a fool to believe him when he says that looks aren't important to him any more - when they have been for his whole life?

i do not think you are crazy. and unless he has given you reason otherwise, like lied to you in the past, why not believe him?

for me, maturity, has changed my out look on things. when i was younger, the man def did have to be a certain type, look a certain way, act a certain way (bad boy) etc... i am completely not like that anymore. it is the whole entire package that counts for me now. i still like someone who takes care of their appearance, short hair, clean shaven, smells good, cares how they dress. but they don't have to be drop dead gorgeous. i used to not care what the INSIDE looked like but that is just as important to me now, if not more. i don't want the bad boy anymore, i want the guy who is a good father, who is a good mate, who is a good provider, who is into family and home and church. when he is that, he becomes even more attractive to me overall.

so, maybe this is how your guy feels. maybe a lot of the women he dated were shallow and hollow and fake. you are a REAL woman, and bravo that that is what he wants! I feel like I am a real woman as well. i mean i do go to great lengths to look nice, i like to tan and get my nails done,etc.. but i am also a very real woman inside and out, curves and all. (meaning i am not your anorexic size 6!)

i understand your insecurities, and i think we all have them especially if we have been cheated on by former spouses. but don't compare yourself to the others he has dated. if he wanted to be with those woman, don't you think he would be? he wants you. and only you. you are unique, beautifully and wonderfully made! don't ever forget that.

mlhb

First of all, stop comparing yourself to these other women. He picked you, period. Talk to him about your insecurities and how they make you feel. Your hair isn't falling out because you ate junk food, and let yourself go. It's a medical issue. The more honest you are with your feelings the more he'll apreciate you as a woman. If the relationship is strong he probably thinks you are the hottest thing in the world. I am friends with a couple. The guy looks like some Latin American martial artist that women fall all over. She looks like an average woman ( her personality and essence make her amazing, imo) and she has heard people say to her what is he doing with you before. But he thinks she is the hottest thing in the world and she feels the same about him. They have a great marriage. I use them as a template of what I hope to have someday. They give me hope.

The point is, your relationship should be more than how hot you are and what he likes in a woman's looks.

and, i would like to add that beauty is many things:

it is not in whether you are a size 2 or have a full head of hair, or any other thing like that. beauty is confidence and making the absolute most of what you do have.

for me, i am very "curvacious" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (is that a word??) would i like to be smaller? sure i would, and i do try. BUT, while i am trying (and if it never happens it never happens) i accentuate the positive. i dress very flattering and attractively, and i accentuate the very positive chest i have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> etc, etc... what i am trying to say is i am not all about my lack of being societies preference for bone thin, i am a total woman who has a lot to offer. and so are you and so do you. you are NOT all about how much hair you have, etc...

i agree with gekko, talk to you bf about your insecurities and let him put your mind at ease, than let it go. i do get how you feel. hey, gekko lives in a big city. i see some of the women around those parts when we are out and about, and i think they are very beautiful and perfect and i kind of look at me and go "what would he want with little old small town not picture perfect me? why me when all of that kind of woman is surrounding him?" but you know what? he does want me and only me and i absolutely believe him when he tells me that. it only took him telling me once to completely be put at ease. so trust what your bf tells you. if you don't, it at that point becomes your issue, not his.

hugs, i feel badly that you are feeling insecure. we, as women, must stop comparing ourselves to other women and stop basing our self worth on societies expectations of us. easier said than done i know.

mlhb

oh, and gekko, i do think you are the hottest thing around, and, in case you didn't know it.. you already to have what your friends have sweetness.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />