Need some inspiration- it seems like a stupid thing to write about in the scheme of the horror we've all been through- but the everyday situations seem to be so magnified post-A.
Having a hard day. FW’s PA is over, but he works with OW. Text messaging appears to have stopped, though he won’t tell me why she suddenly stopped contacting him on cell. He goes to IC, but somedays I just think he'll never buy into the fact that it is possible to restore love, he is wanting to feel magic without risking us becoming best friends again. Meaning he does some things with me alone now, like go to dinner, but no physical contact, and no social activities with me and other people. We make no plans, it’s day to day.
He went to his niece's birthday party without me today. Told me all week, he didn’t know if he was going to go by himself or with me. They all met the OW. In his mind, our relationship was completely over (even though I didn’t know he thought that) so his affair wasn’t hidden from everyone. Christmas I went there with him and it was OK but he said it was too uncomfortable for me to be at party today since his mother was going to be there. She also met the OW. His mother is from out of state so she wasn’t there for Christmas.
We'd been together for 13 years so they were all like family and it is hard to be excluded. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough to be seen with, but I know that isn't true. It apparently wasn’t uncomfortable to bring his mistress to meet his mother when she was nearby- a mistress 10 yrs. older with 5 children, while his family knew I was still in the picture. But it’s too uncomfortable to show up with me today. And he doesn’t care how that makes me feel.

We were going to JC but haven't been in a few weeks. He was just going to go to the party without even addressing the fact that he didn’t want me to go. His IC is about improving communication; slow progress apparently. I’ve been doing a few weeks of a good plan A- not bringing up the OW or the A until today. I really pushed him a few weeks ago in terms of riding him about details of his affair. It seems like how he’s made me feel in all this hardly phases him, so I was really mean. But I stepped back, apologized and have been nice.
Too uncomfortable for him to see his mother with me, to go with me to see my family, to take me to places where his work friends are. Just realizing how selfish and thoughtless he continues to be, and it hurts. And how poor our communication is.
Somedays I think how stupid and weak I must be- I mean the affair was like being hit by a train- yet, I’m still here in his house. He says he isn’t sending me a message to just leave, that he still wants to understand what went wrong and if it was worth saving with me. But, don’t actions speak louder than words? Especially when the words have to be dragged out of him.
Have you felt like this before? Like why should I be at his mercy of when he feels comfortable to let me go somewhere with him? I know if he asked I could have said no but I wouldn’t have because I know its impt. for us to make memories together.

Blind_hope (that’s fading)
D-Day 11/26/06

BH:


You state this:



But it's not.

Because it is where you are now.

And you certainly do not wish to stay there.

And your WH certainly does not seem interested in bringing you out of this place.

I don't think that contact has stopped.

OW's TM stopped suddenly? Could be, or another method of contact has come about.

That you do not know about.

Why didn't you invite yourself to the neices party? Why did you HAVE to stay home?

Are you sure that's where he went?

Keeping you off-balance like this is cruelty.

Has he ever communicated with you properly in the past?

And were the lines of communication fairly open after Dday, or still guarded?

Your husband needs to STOP working with the OW. Until that happens, things will be very hard.

Yes, I am sure he went to niece's party. He talked to his sister last night about it. It is a couple hrs. away. He is supposed to be home tonight so he can go skiing early in AM.
We live in a small town so not any other companies around where he could get a comparable professional, management job- plus for the first time in several years he feels he is at a company where he can get achievement, accomplishment, compensation for this work. I had a job like that where I felt committed and we talk about how it can take over your life- but he says his 11 hr. days are temporary, that when he feels that he is not appreciated he'll leave it (and he's done that with jobs before- he reaches a point of not getting enough out of it).
The cell phone bill comes out in a few days so I'll see about TM and calls. I know he can see her in work so there is some contact. I know he talked to her on phone for 2 hrs. a month ago. But his demeanor around me has gotten a little more relaxed and 'normal' in the last couple weeks, and he'll tell me about things at work that he wasn't doing before. So, maybe their friendship is dwindling. He somehow thought he could stay friends with her and try to go to counselling with me. He doesn't get it. The last text messages I saw said- why don't you answer my calls, my emails. I know he was not initiating contact as much, but still did it. She also texted him that she had some bad blood tests about her liver so of course had to tell him, and he had to ask her about it.
As far as communication, we both weren't good at emotional communication. Both had divorced parents who had affairs so in hindsight, it seems we learned that if we felt something was wrong (even before the affair) that it wasn't something to be discussed. Wrong, I know.
I was so mad this AM, but now seem to be writing it off as "accept today for what it is."
blind_hope

We haven't been to JC in a few weeks. I asked him today- he said it doesn't matter, doesn't care if I set it up or not. Typical response to most questions. I am going back to IC tomorrow so I asked him some questions about his feelings to which he says- don't feel like talking now, later (but later never happens). Eventually, he said he doesn't believe in us anymore.

So, do I keep trying to do my best (which isn't always great) at Plan A- The affair is over as far as I can tell. Or is not believing too far gone. We aren't good emotional communicators. He's believed since his affair started that a relationship isn't supposed to take work- even after 12 + years. It's supposed to be easy. Is it hopeless?

I tell him we can see our mistakes in not communicating in the past, and now is our chance to fix them. I've made some changes, to me the solution is pretty clear for some things that weren't great between us. That now we have new information about how to communicate better, from our IC's mostly and books (which he barely reads). That now we are making an informed choice to continue or not. He doesn't seem to see it that way though.

I am 38, without kids. Feeling kind of old and wondering how you know it's time to give up a 12 yr. relationship and start over.
Any comments would be great. Feeling lost.

blind_hope