I have known my wife since high school and have been married for 4 years and together for 7 years. I am in the military and just moved to Germany a few weeks ago but my wife and son did not come with me. She says that she was unhappy, we always fought, and accuses me of having an affair. Rumors were going around that I was cheating on her and she heard about it. My wife suffers from deperation and took medication for a while but gave up because it was making her sick. I will do anything to get my family back. She said she still loves me. The only communication we have right now is myspace. I have left her alone the past 2 months to see if she will think any different but she has not told me that she wanted to come back. Please let me know if you get this and I will explain more. I know we all go through this. My situation is tough considering I am 6,000 miles away. I keep thinking that she has someone else and she wanting me to send her money so she can buy a car. Does this tell me she is moving on? I would appreciate your help!

Welcome, LMW, to MarriageBuilders...

Yes, we go through a lot in our marriages and in ourselves...you nailed that one. Read all the articles on this website...the Basic Concepts (link at the right of your screen) is a great place to start.

Did you have an Emotional Affair (EA) or Physical Affair (PA)? I don't know if you did or not, so I'm asking.

I do know that as humans, we project our stuff onto others...so if your W is having an EA or PA (or both), she may well believe you are.

Great to know your goal is to recover your marriage from this separation...that you will act on your love for your wife and family, not react to accusations.

Takes the manipulation out of it, doesn't it?

If you choose to not communicate with her to let her be alone so she will think any different, that's manipulation.

If you choose to communicate your stuff with her...live from truth, then you're not manipulating...instead, you're aware of your choices and acts of love.

Find out if she's having an affair...even if you have to hire a PI...use friends of your marriage...snoop email, cell phone records...ask everyone you know to be a friend of your marriage and help you know truth, not fantasy.

Tell her you stand for your marriage...you want to learn, grow and be a great partner (that's in your power); and search here for many other military husbands in your shoes...

You're not alone.

You can do this. From anywhere. You rippled around the world...so do your choices.

LA

No I never had an emotional affair or physical affair. This is our fourth separation and I take every single one very hard. This is our worst separation because I am 6,000 miles away. I truly think that her family has influenced her in some way. I have been taking one day at a time which is difficult. She hasn't even mention the plans for divorce, all she is talking about is money and how bad I treated her. In the messages she sent me said that she is not over me and loves me. I don't if this is hope or not. She feels heartbroken and confused. I will anything to make this marriage work and at the same time make her feel that this marriage will get better. Does anyone know what she is thinking? She has depression and I don't know how to approach this.

Fourth separation in seven years...

So you know that this is a pattern. The other separations...did you do some of them?

She allows who influences her...her family can't do it to her unless she allows them to...just so we're straight.

Depression is common...it's anger turned inward...I suffered with it for 3/4's of my life. Until I stopped looking for people to fill me up from the outside and owned only I could do that, from the inside.

First step to know what she is thinking is to listen...and repeat, for clarity or confirmation.

"I hear you saying that you don't believe I've acted from love in our marriage, is that correct?"

Listen to know...not to judge or strategize your response. Get to your highest honesty...own what you did and did not do in your marriage. What you know now you didn't know then. "I understand you feel heartbroken and confused." if that's what she stated. "I hear you saying you hurt...and I can't understand why you hurt. I want to understand very much."

Stating your own truth...using "I" statements...

Clear up your communication, your side of it, so you can know and be known...stop the patternings of withdrawing (separating and not communicating), the vines of acting to manipulate choking both of your souls...and choose to live in truth, know yours and share it...hear hers and respect it...right now.

LA

Yes she chose all of the separations that we have had. When she left me she said that she loves me but is not in love with me. The common statement we hear! Then she comes back. Some of the separations last anywhere from 4 to 8 months at a time. I just want us to be happy together. Thats it. I am always thinking about what she is doing and who she is with but I have no control over what she does. All I can do is better myself but it kills me everyday that I am not with her. In a message she wrote me, she said that she does not know what to about us. She is not brining up divorce at all. Its all about money right now. If she still loves me and is not over me, then why is she not coming back? I keep asking myself if there is something I can do to get to her. My son needs me too! I probably did not mention I have a son with her.

Have you read up on Plan A? Can you get a copy of "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley?

Take your focus off of her...where you have no control...and set it firmly on yourself. Act from your choice to love her...loving emails, phone calls and actions.

Money is an Emotional Need...Financial Security. You meet a lot of her ENs, this is just one. Why not talk about her coming to live in Germany (how long will you be stationed there?)...where you can share your FS with her?

Yes, you mentioned your son. He needs you and you need him.

This is a packaged deal.

So, she separates to get you to do what, exactly? What were her concerns before her A? What ENs weren't being met or what LBs were making huge withdrawals?

Can you arrange to have a marriage building weekend? I know the Army has good counseling and seminars...what's available to you that you can invite her to?

Taking it one day at a time isn't difficult unless you jump into the future or the past...both are out of your control. Staying present is the best way to get clarity. For your whole life...trust me.

If you can go to Alanon meetings, do it. Great self-care.

Do Plan A and then Plan B...get to know what is necessary for your marriage...counseling, improving communication skills and rededication...from your wife. From you.

You can do this. These separations are big manipulations...up to you to not act manipulatively nor accept it.

Learn about yourself...for yourself and your son.

LA

It is difficult to take my focus off of her because I do not know if she is getting over me day by day. It is hard to explain that. If I send her loving emails and phone calls that will only push her away even more..that is pressure right? In our past separations, I have left her alone and she eventually came back but with me living so far away I don't know what she would do. I know you mentioned her having an affair. I don't know if she is having one at this point. Plan A and B only applies if both partners are together. I am in a situation where I am not sure what to do anymore. I appreciate your help and I will take your advice. Is it normal to have feelings that she is doing something? It has been 4 days since we last communicated. Well, I don't know if I would call myspace communicating.

Here are a couple of messages my wife wrote me about 4 days ago:

Justin when I first came home you were always leaving at night to "WORK" you would stay gone a couple hours at a time. That doesnt look good. And then people tell me what you did. You keep talking about how much you love me...I didnt see it. All I ever saw in you was hate. And you directed towards me. What did you think would happen?? You have made many promises to me in the past and never kept your word...how can I beleive you now?? I gave you plenty of chances. I went to counseling and listened to what she said and you ignored her and didnt hardly participate. We sat in that room with her and you didnt even care. You did nothing to change or try to make things better. I took medication for you, for us and you slapped me in the face. Come on...how would you feel?? You dont know how bad you hurt me and how much I still cry. I shouldnt have to...I deserve to be happy. All I wanted was for you to love me and show it. I never got that. You know I didnt. I cant live like that. Its making me hate life. I wanted to die because i would rather have been dead than not have you, or you not love me. You know how depressed I got and still you brushed me off. Like I was nothing. That hurt so bad and I would cry and scream so loud and you called me psycho. Why?? I didnt do anything to you.

Here is one more:

I sent your mom a message and she told me she thought I was seeing someone cause I mentioned him in one of my bulletins...which she should have read more carefully. It stated that he had a girlfriend. The guy in question is going on baby number 2 and getting ready to get married. So I hope you guys like how you made a fool of yourselves. Our stories of what we heard are very different. You cheated while I was there and Im supposedly seeing someone when we are NOT together. See the difference?? Your was cheating. I do beleive you did it otherwise the ****** wouldnt be on your page commenting every picture you have. Thats [censored] and you know it. Why all of a sudden when Im gone is she on there?? You make yourself look guilty. If your such a good father...CALL YOUR SON. You call your mom so why cant you call our son? I dont know what to do about us. You have torn my heart completely apart and I have no love left. At least I dont think I do. I feel empty Justin and that is the honest truth. I cant possibly love someone else because of what you have done to me. Im trying to be a better person. I dont even go out. I go to church every sunday. Im not some stupid slut and I dont plan on it. I have neglected myself and god for so long and I want to live by his word. With him I will be okay.

Hey Justin, do you understand that your wife has given you everything you need to understand her fears and pain in those two messages?

You clearly didn't meet her needs, or didn't meet them in the way she needed you to. And you clearly hurt her desperately with Love Busters: angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, etc. When she needed you most, you could not be there for her emotionally.

This might make you just want to argue, but you could be really grateful to her for even trying to tell you what she needs. She has given you the ability to win back her love, but you will have to change a lot of things to get there.

Have you read this site? Start with the Basic Concepts section http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html , then go from there. There is a lot you can do to make this better! The fact that your wife bothers to tell you how she feels shows that she is only in a state of Conflict, not the worse state of Withdrawl.

Your marriage can still be saved, but you will have to meet her needs and stop doing things that hurt her. This site has all the information you need to get started. I hope you'll take this like a man and just do what you have to do to take care of your wife. She will be so proud to have you for a husband if you do, and other men will look to you to figure out why your wife is so happy when theirs isn't.

You can be your wife's hero, and teach your son what a good man can be.

samNson,

do you agree that getting his wife to join him in Germany would help the situation? It is hard to repair a marriage when you are 6000 miles away. He insists he did not cheat on her, but how can he convince her? I can tell that she is hurting badly, but I do not think that she has given up just yet. I think maybe she should give living in Germany a shot and give Justin a chance to prove that he can be a good husband and father.

Thank you for postings! She has recently purchased a car and I am wondering if that is a sign that she is moving on without me. She is afraid to come to Germany because she thinks that things will go back to the way it was. I pray to God everyday that there is not someone else but according to her messages there is not. In her messages, she says she loves me and is not over me. How can someone feel this way and not join their husband in a foreign country?