Since D-day (a little over 7 weeks ago) I've been sleeping in the spare room. Today, WW has invited me back to our bed.

I want to say no: I feel that I need to know the 'details' of the A before I'm comfortable doing this (she does not want to share these ... yet). I should point out that I'm not expecting, nor wanting, to get intimate.

On the other hand - this is (possibly) a significant olive branch WW is putting my way; one that I should take despite my wants & feelings (which is, after all, the ethos of Plan A).

I can't be the first person in this sitch: has anyone got any wise words born of experience or common sense (I have neither).

Em.

Hi AM -

Things are slow here on the weekend, perhaps the vets can chime in on Monday.

My first question would be - why are you the one sleeping in the spare room? You're not the one who had the affair - you should be in your marital bed.

Second, return to your marital bed. If your WW wants to stay with you in the marital bed, that is up to you. Giving up your marital bed and waiting for the WW to invite you back is not part of Plan A.

Get back in your bed. Resume intimacy when you're comfortable enough to do so (after STD testing, I hope!).

AB, healingbird is exactly right. You should never leave your own bed. Go back there now. In the meantime, suggest you both get STD testing and explain that you need to know the truth about her affair in order to recover. The facts about her affair are details about YOUR LIFE that have been wrongfully withheld from you. You have a right to know every detail. You will never recover as long as she has dirty secrets with the OM to which you are not privy.

I would print up this letter and hand it to her:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

I know things are slow at the weekend (evidently people only peruse MB when they're at work - I know I do (spouse free zone & all)).

It was my choice to go to the spare room; call it chivalry, nobility or stupidity - I know myself well enough as to which one it is 8-) (she was on the couch before this & I couldn't stand that - I offered up the bed).

STD testing is not required (I discovered the A before it became a PA - the correspondence that I chanced upon was the arrangements their first 'liaison' so I know this to be true).

@Healingbird: thanks for your words - they make sense (as a BS I know the truth but I lack the faith to trust what I know, a little reassurance goes a long way) - I'm off to my bed now (& not the spare one).

@ML: Thanks for your continued support (& goodness, don't you type fast <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) - the world is a better place with people like you in it.

Thanks to everyone here,

Em

Em, sleeping on the couch is a GREAT EXPERIENCE for a WS. It is called CONSEQUENCES! And we never, ever want to deprive a WS of the consequences of his/her actions. Please keep this in mind if this comes up again. The WS is always the one who gets to sleep on the floor or the couch.

Glad you are back in your bed!

Absent,

Don't be so quick to assume she has not slept with him.

Get the STD testing.

AbsentMonkey - of course you are not the first, and you won't be the last. Everyone faces the need to decide when to get into the same bed again.

Let me ask you a question that is not dependent upon how many details you know or want to know" about your wife's EA.

Has she said she is sorry and asked you to forgive her?

If not, then I'm betting you have not yet forgiven her.

If that is the case, then her "offer" to you is a "test" to see if you have forgiven her. It is the "First Step" in the JOURNEY of recovery, not the final result of a recovered marriage. It is also her first "test" of herself to see if she can rebuild her feelings for you that she is unsure about right now.

So the "problem" really lies with you at this point, doesn't it? At this point you SAY you want to recover your marriage, now the question is "how serious are you" despite all the pain, hurt, and uncertainty you feel?

Please remember, do not forget, that "love" is first and foremost an "action verb." You behave in ways that say "I love you" even if the "feelings of 'in-love'" are not there yet. Those feelings come as a result of actions, not mere words.

So....do you really want to married to your wife "for better or for worse" or not. If not, then get on with a divorce. If you do, then start "bucking up" and doing what is needed even if it is uncomfortable, perhaps even feels "forced" at this point. You cannot put the cart before the horse and expect to reach your ultimate destination, at least not without doing everything in reverse. You really need to continue working on your "fears" and simply "man up" and do what is "not comfortable, but essential nonetheless."

God bless.

Back to the nether regions for me, so good luck with your recovery. Now go and do the right thing.

AM, I confess I do not have all answers as I am the BS right now and share the marriage bed, but only every other weekend. You were given some very important advice 1) it IS your bed and you should not give it up - let him sleep on the couch or in the dog house outside; 2) STD TESTING IS A MUST - just found out about an A New Years but previously found out after I went to my gynecologist

Some STDS like Chlamydia - NO Syptoms at all, but will leave you sterile; others will present them selves as a bad discharge odor, others present as skin lesions.

I know how painful it is, believe me/. I only found out about first affair because of chlamydia screening -- NO SYMPTOMS at all! Second - foul odor. Now on third, but clean. I just went for third time in our 13 year marriage to get tested = ask for a complete STD screen and if you have insurance indicate to the nurse you have reason to believe your spouse has cheated and you are feeling pain or smelling a discharge odor so insurance company will pay for tests -- at least $500 if you do not.

Wish you the best. Found out I am good - no health problems but it took 3 weeks and countless hours of worry. Do NOT BE ASHAMED - GET MEDICAL EXAM - you did not cause this!