Exposure to the employer always is a good thing to put pressure on the A. Especially if he is using company funds/accomodations to fund his affair. Be ready for him to get extremely angry, tell you that you ruined any chance at reconciliation, etc., but after a few weeks they'll get over it. We've all heard the same thing, and here most of us are still married.

Thanks for the advice again...

I am grappling with a huge questions right now. Part of me wants to move on with my life and part of me still loves him. I have my counseling appointment tomorrow with my own counselor and I hope to sort out some of my own feelings...

Where do I go from here?

I know our marriage wasn't the greatest, but we did overcome a lot of obstacles: a job loss, several cross-country moves, a severe depression... I keep asking if he can provide those things that I want in a man... Someone open to communication, someone who doesn't think the drive home from work is foreplay, someone who acknowledges my feelings, someone who respects me for who I am... But on the otherhand, we have spent some incredible times together as well and we have always had fun together. So, I am torn...really torn...

So, I am dealing with a load of questions right now and they are tough to answer.

Here, we always suggest that you give it some time before you make any decisions. You are still very early after D-day. The idea is to work hard on your marriage so in 5 years, you can look back with no regrets.

How long have you been married, and do you have children together?

We have been married for 15 years...known each other for 17. We have three children together...daughter 14, daughter 9, and son 8. They are hurt and confused by the whole thing. I do have them in counseling. Son has appointment on Saturday and their dad is taking him to the appointment. I am sure son's counselor is going to want to speak to him. This will be the first contact that he has had with any of the kids counselors.

It's good that your kids are getting counseling. I'm sure your husband will be back. They usually come back to the marriage. Hopefully you will still want him.

WH came today to pick up the kids. The kids were eating their pancakes with blueberry sauce and bacon when he arrived. I did offer him a plate. I think the shock of seeing the kids sitting at the table...seeing his chair without a place set really got to him. Yes, he did cry again today. I don't think he really knows what he wants or how to undo what he's done right now. He's in a job that is nothing but travel, but I made it clear today that if he really wants to come home, he's got to come home. That job is out of the question. He's really miserable right now and he's got to find his own way out. I was considerate today and didn't lash out at him.

We have a huge snowstorm headed this way. He is about an hour and a half away with the kids right now. He said he would be back in tomorrow morning with his brother to collect some of his belongings. He was going to take some today, but changed his mind. I have offered him use of the house since I will be working this weekend. I will work to stay out of his way and not bug him. I am staying strong in this right now. I did reaffirm that I still do love him... and yes, I did tell him that we both made mistakes, and I did not blame him entirely.

Right now he is terribly miserable. I am not sure where he is going to go with it right now. I hate feeling like I am in total limbo in my own life. I feel like I am holding my breath...


I am a bit concerned as well. He has said that he has messed up his shoulder and needs to see a doctor. Right now, he is totally responsible for his own doctor's bills. I think that part of reality is setting in as well...

Tomorrow our son has his therapy appointment at 12:00. WH has agreed to take our son to the appointment. This is the first time that WH will be directly involved in any of our children's therapy. I am not sure how that is going to go... It will probably be a rude awakening for WH... He may run again for awhile.

Praying that things will turn out well...and turning blue from holding my breath... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Continue Plan A'ing him. He needs to know that you are a safe place to fall. I know it doesn't seem right, but that is what usually works. Good job on the pancakes, blueberry sauce and bacon. Sounds yummy. That is the kind of thing you want him to see and miss.

The big snow storm is on the way... WH has the kids at his brother's house this weekend and they are over an hour away. I did offer WH use of the house since I will be working this weekend and he seems to be entertaining the idea. He said he would talk with the kids about making it home before the big storm hits. He did ask where he would sleep. Of course it would be on the couch in the familyroom and he didn't seem upset by that answer. I did tell him that I would hang out in MY room when I was at home, but I know that the kids will be in and out all night if he decides to come back for the weekend.

I just find it amazing that he is entertaining the idea of actually staying at the house. He refused to entertain the notion during Xmas. So...my plan A attack continues. It sounds like he is thinking about making the trek home for the weekend. I will not impose myself on him or the kids. I will be cordial. I am even thinking about bringing cookie dough home and baking cookies. And I will probably get a movie to watch for myself...probably a family type of movie. The kids really enjoy sitting on my bed and cuddling when we watch TV. So...for now, I will be pleasant and unassuming. I will go about my business and do what I need to do for myself. I will not engage in any heavy conversation unless he wishes to talk or he reaches out to me.

So, wish me some luck. I am trying to be that lighthouse in the fog. I think it is working right now. That bubble of a fantasy that he created is really starting to burst. Yes...he is on his way down, but he hasn't found the bottom yet.

He's talking...not doing the walking yet.

plan a isnt an attack is it? i am pretty sure that plan a is to avoid upsetting the ws and, instead, meet the ens... i like the cookie idea. i would pick up a couple of movies and try to get him to watch with me rather than in another room-he may or may not go for it?...i would try to make it family fun time, if possible and stay away from the heavy conversation completely even if he brings it up. if my h brought it up, i know me well enough to know that i would argue and lb all over it so i would avoid it, for now.

but thats just me

Yes, I would stay out of relationship talk. I never could keep my mouth shut. Try for a nice, cheerful demeanor, and let us know how it went.

I am pulling for you Xetta, I would like to see someone win one and if that someone is you so much the better!!!!


jim

i do wish you luck too. i will say however, as i would tell anyone... if you do get back together, you stay this strong confident woman you are becoming. it will keep you protected and happier i believe. we tend to get "lost" in our mates, and we can't do that. we need to be able to stand on our own 2 feet and take care of US. so, if you can keep that in mind, i think you will be ok.

so many people go back to a marriage and get back into the same rut they were in before...what good does that do? i know, i was one of those people, and my marriage did not end up working out.

mlhb

OK...so the weekend is over and WH is back on the road to OW. When I called home from the store last night after work, D14 told me that WH was leaving...going to head out into the snowstorm. I bought a couple of candy bars for him and came home. We talked a bit about his decision. He said he was going to try and get an hour or two down the road. I used logic. I told him that he was more than welcomed to stay and why should he risk his life to get an hour down the road. In addition, I pointed out that he would have to get a hotel room and could possibly end up paying for not one, but two nights. I know this kind of hit him because he is bitching about being broke. I gave him the candy bars and told him that I wasn't going to plead for him to stay. It was his decision. The candy bars were in case he got stranded. Before he could make the decision, the snow started to fall and he did decide to stay the night.

I cooked leftover ham, potatoes, and some veggies. I didn't go out of my way for dinner, but just normal fair. After supper, I went my way and he went downstairs with the kids. In the morning, he did help me shovel the 8 plus inches of snow. I know he mentioned that he has recently hurt his shoulder, and I took some motrin and water down to him in the familyroom. I discovered he was on his cell phone with OW. That hurt. But rather than starting a fight right then and there, I went back outside and shoveled some more. I was seriously pissed. After I calmed down, I came back inside and in a very calm voice, I told him that I thought it was extremely disrespectful for him to be talking to OW in my home...and in front of our children.

He did get a bit angry. Tried to tell me that this was still his home even though he does have a court order in his possession that says he has vacated. Still...I remained calm and told him that he hurt my feelings by being disrespectful, especially since I had gone out of my way to be nice and offer him a place to stay.

I went to work about an hour later. I did wish him a safe trip back to Missouri. I did call him tonight to make sure the roads were ok where he was traveling. He said the roads were fine and he did thank me for allowing him to stay in the house last night. He had passed several cars in the ditch...including semi's that were just destroyed. Kept it all cordial.

For the most part, I think the weekend went ok, but it still stings that he could be so callous and oblivious to my feelings...

Daughter's counselor has spoken with WH. She pretty much confirmed what I know already...that WH is really messed up right now and doesn't know what he really wants at this time. He's dug himself on huge hole and doesn't know how to climb out of it.

So the waiting game goes on...I hate waiting...

You did very, very well. You were showing him the way home, and at the same time, maintaining your boundaries. Many of the WS's seem to think it is okay to blatantly disrespect their family and home by calling the OP. I don't think it is ever a good idea to tolerate it. But you did fine. I'm proud of you.

I didn't go to work today. I have such a bad head and chest cold right now. I can't even think straight. I am hoping that an extra day off will help me recouperate.

It really sucks being sick and having no one there to help you out...

My lawyer talked to WH's lawyer today. WH's lawyer is concerned about him. WH's lawyer told my lawyer that my WH is unstable at this time...emotionally. Said that he isn't sure if WH wants the divorce. In addition, I have been having my own suspicions that WH is going through a depression right now.

I talked to my SIL tonight. I asked her to call her brother and talk to him some...see if she can convince him to seek some counseling or something. At this point in time, I don't think that if I called him, it would help. He doesn't want to talk to me. He's having second thoughts about the life he's abandoned here, but he's still with OW.

I hate all of this confusion right now...Plus, I am sick with a nasty head and chest cold which doesn't help at all...

I feel so alone right now.

Take good care of yourself. Your husband can take care of himself. It is good that he is having second thoughts about the life he is giving up for OW. These affairs never last. Sooner or later, they end. Let's hope it is sooner.

Hope you are resting and sleeping okay, and drinking lots of liquids. Not much you can do about a cold, but ride it out.

My cold is better today, but things have deteroriated with WH considerably today. I talked to him today. I had been getting really mixed signals from him over the past couple of weeks and they have really been messing with my head. Well, today I asked him very directly what he really wanted. He has no intention of returning. He has no intention of giving up his job in Missouri to return to Wisconsin to be closer to his children. He is back in his fantasy world in Missouri.

I can't take anymore of this abuse from him. I have had my fill. I am now cutting off all ties and I will proceed with the divorce. He has no remorse nor does he see any of the consequences of what he is doing to his children. He thinks that he can just walk back into their lives a year or two down the road and everything is going to be just fine with them. He doesn't know the depth of their hurt.

In addition, he doesn't even care about how he's hurt me and that is probably the hardest to accept. He's so cold and uncaring. I can't continue to take the crap he is dishing out. I have had my fill.

I called my lawyer today to start putting pressure to get his things out of the house. In addition, I am going to get him to change his mailing address and push to have him remove MY address from his checking account. I will not speak to him again if I can avoid it. I will speak to him through my lawyer.

He's a bull in a china shop and he's broke one too many pieces of china now... I have to protect myself in all of this from now on... He no longer matters...

Your husband is acting like they all do, like drug addicts getting their fix. Nothing else matters - not the marriage, you, or his kids. He will continue like this until the affair is over.

Getting an attorney to protect your family is a good idea. I would hold off on a divorce just now though.