Hello...

I am new to this forum and have been dealing with H's affair since Thanksgiving.

I have been doing what I can to protect myself financially. H. was beginning to drain our joint account for his lifestyle with OW, when I filed for D. I felt that it was the only way I could legally protect myself and our three children. I didn't want to file, but I felt like I had no choice.

Since Thanksgiving, I have been seeing a couselor and have been taking care of my needs. I have lost almost 45 lbs. Last weekend when H. dropped off the kids, he said I looked good. He told me that he has hit rock bottom and that he's unhappy. He even hinted that things with OW weren't going well and that it may be close to over. He is starting to talk the talk, but he isn't walking the walk.

I have pretty much come to terms that we would be D., even though I still love him. Now, he had totally rocked my world by this revelation. I am questioning the chance at reconcilliation. Not sure if it is going to happen right now...

I want him to get off the fence. I have asked him to get his personal belongings out of the house and he hasn't. I have put in a call to my lawyer to get a fire going under him. I want him to get a full dose of reality and the consequences of his actions. I think he got a dose of reality last weekend, but I really don't think he has completely hit rock bottom yet.

Not sure what I should do right now...loads of things to think about...

X,

If you want to reconcile, then you have to do things that move you in that direction. Moving towards the divorce isn't the best idea if you want him back, IMHO.

Try Plan A, first, for a very short time, then Plan B. That might make him move quicker. Read up on it and see what you think.

I hope the experts will come along and help you out!

SB

I know I kept everything pretty short, but I will give you more history on my situation...

In May of 2006, H. was worried about his job. Things weren't going so well at the office and he took a job in Missouri. A temporary job that would put him on a job site for six months... He came home every three weeks for a weekend. It was hard to cram three weeks into a weekend. Sometimes he was gone for up to a month at a time. I was left in Wisconsin taking care of the kids, the home, the bills, etc. In Missouri, he started living the bachelor life...going out to the bars with the guys, drinking, etc.

On Thanksgiving, I found out he started EA with OW back in mid Oct. By the beginning of Nov., it turned into a physical affair. When he told me about it, he had everything worked out in his mind. He wanted his personal things and his hunting and fishing stuff, and that was it. He wanted out. We talked a lot that weekend, even looked over 17 years worth of photos, and he cried. He said he was sorry and that he would go back there and break it off, but he wanted some time and space... Within a week of going back to Missouri, he told me that looking at our photo albums was nothing but emotional sabotage. I found out later that he moved OW in with him during that time. He moved her into the living quarters he was sharing with his boss.

He came back to Wisconsin mid Dec. to tell the kids that we were separating. He also told the kids that he was moving back here sometime in Feb. or Mar... I found out that it was his intention to bring her back here with him. I told him that the kids would not be emotionally ready for that. I also discovered that during that weekend, he had brought OW back to Wisconsin with him. He spent the days with me and the kids and the nights and mornings with her. He even went so far as to charge the hotel to our joint credit card.

Will continue this shortly...

He was here over Xmas and I did invite him to share xmas with the kids. We were very careful not to fight in front of the children. While he was here over xmas, he told the kids that he would not be coming back to Wisconsin and that he had accepted the job permanently. He told them within two hours of him leaving again. It was one huge emotional bomb after another with him.

In addition, he left Wisconsin early to go back to Missouri because as of the first of Jan, he didn't have living arrangements. I had just told him that I would not support his lifestyle in Missouri (he had agreed to live on his expense checks while there and leave our joint account alone), but during Dec. he had several debits out of our joint account. He told me that he was thinking about writing a check out of our joint account to get a new place for himself (and OW). No way...

I didn't feel like I had any other options but to file for D. He was going crazy like and making decisions and then changing them... So, on his next payday, I took the money out of our joint accound and hired a lawyer. I called him to tell him not to write any checks out of our account because there was no money in the account. He told me to quit playing headgames. I told him that I wasn't playing headgames and that I had hired a lawyer. On the following Monday I was signing my D. papers and that he could pick them up from my lawyer's office the following Friday when he got into town. He didn't expect me to file... He didn't expect me to take a stand and take control of my own life...

I feel like every day since then, I have been taking control of my own life. I have my own accounts now, my own credit card. People that haven't seen me in awhile do a double-take. It takes them a moment before they recognize me.

He has started this whining about his life now, about how unhappy he is, bellyaching about money, etc. And when he starts in about it, I have been putting it right back on him. His choices...his consequences. I have told him that I really don't want to hear about it.

I have many questions to answer. Yes, my heart still leaps every time I see him. I still love him and I still care about what happens to him, but I feel like it's one emotional bomb after another with him right now.

I will look into the plan A and plan B's. Not sure where I am at in all this mess right now...

Your situation sounds very promising to me. Good job on getting the attorney to protect the family finances. I didn't and my ex spent our savings, and his retirement bonus, and retirement fund on the affair. Now we are divorced, and he has NOTHING.

Continue protecting your finances. I hope your husband can get a job close to home. That is going to be essential.

H. had an opportunity to return to his old job, but he chose to remain in the traveling job so he could stay in Missouri. I had asked him to come home...if not for me, then for the kids, but he chose otherwise. Last weekend he was making the very first hints about asking if our marriage was completely over. How do I get him to come home? How do I make him want to be here when I see him very limited? When he picks up the kids and drops them off... Otherwise, our contact has been limited...

Yes, I have lost a ton of weight and I will admit that I have more to lose. My hair is done and I never leave the house without being dressed nicely and makeup in place. People that haven't seen me in awhile do double-takes when they finally recognize me.

I think my biggest problem is my mouth. Honestly, it is so hard right now to be nice to a man that continues to use you as a doormat... How do you do it?

the "mouth" is what we call "luv busters" ...

I am not a pro but I know you need to restarain the takler at all costs... You need to be making deposits not withdrawls...

I have been playing wack a mole with mine LB for some time..

Read the site there is a ton of free info... Get the SAA book ASAP... I let the pros help you with busting up the A.

the "mouth" is what we call "luv busters" ...

I am not a pro but I know you need to restarain the takler at all costs... You need to be making deposits not withdrawls...

I have been playing wack a mole with mine LB for some time..

Read the site there is a ton of free info... Get the SAA book ASAP... I'll let the pros help you with busting up the A.

Just bite your tongue. It might help to think of him as a drug addict who is "addicted" to his drug (the other woman).

When you talk to him be cheerful and calm. You can let him know that you believe in him, and would like to save your marriage.

He will need to work closer to home, though. Otherwise, just more problems coming.

How long till the divorce is final in your state?

I talked to H. this morning. Kept the conversation on the light side and did not blame anyone or anything. We talked a bit about him removing his things from the house. He hasn't slept here since the weekend of Thanksgiving, but still most of his belongings are in the house. In fact, his mail still comes to our home. I am not going to speak to him again about removing his belongings. He did talk a bit about by removing his things from the house, that the D. would become more real to the kids. I am not so sure if he was using the kids as a metaphor for himself. If he removes his things from the house, then the D. will become more real to him...something I think he doesn't want to think about.

I really don't want this D. but I do want reality to hit him square in the eyes. I am resolved to about changing my own behavior and keeping my mouth shut when it comes to my own hurt and anger. I vow to be pleasant when he comes to pick up the kids on Friday morning...

Good job. It is very difficult, but is the way to possibly mend the relationship. They almost always want to come back to the marriage, but there has to be no contact with the other woman, and a job change.

Keep reading here about Plan A. That is where you need to start.

Right now, I don't think he knows what he wants. He is still with OW and his job is in Missouri. He justifies his job choice, saying that it's the best way he can provide for his kids. I don't know how to make him want to change his job and leave OW. These feelings that he had two weeks ago about being unhappy in his current situation are new to him. Reality is just starting to sneak up on him now. It is probably in my best interest to do what I can to make him miss home, miss the things we did as a couple and as a family. So, I am thinking that before he picks up the kids on Friday, I will cook a big breakfast...bacon and pancakes with blueberry sauce for the kids and they will be eating when he arrives. I will nicely offer him a plate, but not force the issue. I will be pleasant, not overbearing or pushy. I will hug and kiss the kids and wish them well...

I don't see any other way at this point other than to make him really miss the things that used to really matter to him...

That is a good plan. Have you read the lighthouse post?

No...I haven't read it yet, but I will... A good friend has encouraged me to check out this site and I really want to be able to save my marriage.

My friend suggested to find a way to bust up the affair. It has been exposed in Wisconsin. WH's family knows. Right now he is avoiding his father's home because his father has been telling him that he's making a huge mistake and I am sure the way his father carries on... H is avoiding him like the plague. The rest of his brothers and sister know as well.

I don't know how to bust up the affair in Missouri. I am sure he is probably the laughing stock of the job site right now. He moved OW in with him in Dec of 2006, into the living quarters he was sharing with his boss. Do I write a letter to the higher ups and put pressure on them? I don't want to jeopardize H's job and OW is not affiliated with the company, so I am sure the company may just blow me off... I don't know...

Where is the lighthouse post?

Please help

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

"I don't want to jeopardize H's job"

You would not be jeopardizing his job, he is. Is telling the truth a reason to fire someone? No. What your H is doing maybe reason though - his doing not yours.

If he gets fired then he may move back here to Wis.

Bring the light of day to the work place. A are not as much fun when everyone knows about them. So yes eapose to the workplace/bosses.

Thank you for your encouragement and advice...

I need to take some time to gather my thoughts and compose the letter. I don't want to come across as the angry bitter wife, but a loving wife who cares deeply for her husband.

Thank you again...

Exposure to the employer always is a good thing to put pressure on the A. Especially if he is using company funds/accomodations to fund his affair. Be ready for him to get extremely angry, tell you that you ruined any chance at reconciliation, etc., but after a few weeks they'll get over it. We've all heard the same thing, and here most of us are still married.

Thanks for the advice again...

I am grappling with a huge questions right now. Part of me wants to move on with my life and part of me still loves him. I have my counseling appointment tomorrow with my own counselor and I hope to sort out some of my own feelings...

Where do I go from here?

I know our marriage wasn't the greatest, but we did overcome a lot of obstacles: a job loss, several cross-country moves, a severe depression... I keep asking if he can provide those things that I want in a man... Someone open to communication, someone who doesn't think the drive home from work is foreplay, someone who acknowledges my feelings, someone who respects me for who I am... But on the otherhand, we have spent some incredible times together as well and we have always had fun together. So, I am torn...really torn...

So, I am dealing with a load of questions right now and they are tough to answer.

Here, we always suggest that you give it some time before you make any decisions. You are still very early after D-day. The idea is to work hard on your marriage so in 5 years, you can look back with no regrets.

How long have you been married, and do you have children together?

We have been married for 15 years...known each other for 17. We have three children together...daughter 14, daughter 9, and son 8. They are hurt and confused by the whole thing. I do have them in counseling. Son has appointment on Saturday and their dad is taking him to the appointment. I am sure son's counselor is going to want to speak to him. This will be the first contact that he has had with any of the kids counselors.

It's good that your kids are getting counseling. I'm sure your husband will be back. They usually come back to the marriage. Hopefully you will still want him.

WH came today to pick up the kids. The kids were eating their pancakes with blueberry sauce and bacon when he arrived. I did offer him a plate. I think the shock of seeing the kids sitting at the table...seeing his chair without a place set really got to him. Yes, he did cry again today. I don't think he really knows what he wants or how to undo what he's done right now. He's in a job that is nothing but travel, but I made it clear today that if he really wants to come home, he's got to come home. That job is out of the question. He's really miserable right now and he's got to find his own way out. I was considerate today and didn't lash out at him.

We have a huge snowstorm headed this way. He is about an hour and a half away with the kids right now. He said he would be back in tomorrow morning with his brother to collect some of his belongings. He was going to take some today, but changed his mind. I have offered him use of the house since I will be working this weekend. I will work to stay out of his way and not bug him. I am staying strong in this right now. I did reaffirm that I still do love him... and yes, I did tell him that we both made mistakes, and I did not blame him entirely.

Right now he is terribly miserable. I am not sure where he is going to go with it right now. I hate feeling like I am in total limbo in my own life. I feel like I am holding my breath...


I am a bit concerned as well. He has said that he has messed up his shoulder and needs to see a doctor. Right now, he is totally responsible for his own doctor's bills. I think that part of reality is setting in as well...

Tomorrow our son has his therapy appointment at 12:00. WH has agreed to take our son to the appointment. This is the first time that WH will be directly involved in any of our children's therapy. I am not sure how that is going to go... It will probably be a rude awakening for WH... He may run again for awhile.

Praying that things will turn out well...and turning blue from holding my breath... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Continue Plan A'ing him. He needs to know that you are a safe place to fall. I know it doesn't seem right, but that is what usually works. Good job on the pancakes, blueberry sauce and bacon. Sounds yummy. That is the kind of thing you want him to see and miss.

The big snow storm is on the way... WH has the kids at his brother's house this weekend and they are over an hour away. I did offer WH use of the house since I will be working this weekend and he seems to be entertaining the idea. He said he would talk with the kids about making it home before the big storm hits. He did ask where he would sleep. Of course it would be on the couch in the familyroom and he didn't seem upset by that answer. I did tell him that I would hang out in MY room when I was at home, but I know that the kids will be in and out all night if he decides to come back for the weekend.

I just find it amazing that he is entertaining the idea of actually staying at the house. He refused to entertain the notion during Xmas. So...my plan A attack continues. It sounds like he is thinking about making the trek home for the weekend. I will not impose myself on him or the kids. I will be cordial. I am even thinking about bringing cookie dough home and baking cookies. And I will probably get a movie to watch for myself...probably a family type of movie. The kids really enjoy sitting on my bed and cuddling when we watch TV. So...for now, I will be pleasant and unassuming. I will go about my business and do what I need to do for myself. I will not engage in any heavy conversation unless he wishes to talk or he reaches out to me.

So, wish me some luck. I am trying to be that lighthouse in the fog. I think it is working right now. That bubble of a fantasy that he created is really starting to burst. Yes...he is on his way down, but he hasn't found the bottom yet.

He's talking...not doing the walking yet.

plan a isnt an attack is it? i am pretty sure that plan a is to avoid upsetting the ws and, instead, meet the ens... i like the cookie idea. i would pick up a couple of movies and try to get him to watch with me rather than in another room-he may or may not go for it?...i would try to make it family fun time, if possible and stay away from the heavy conversation completely even if he brings it up. if my h brought it up, i know me well enough to know that i would argue and lb all over it so i would avoid it, for now.

but thats just me

Yes, I would stay out of relationship talk. I never could keep my mouth shut. Try for a nice, cheerful demeanor, and let us know how it went.

I am pulling for you Xetta, I would like to see someone win one and if that someone is you so much the better!!!!


jim

i do wish you luck too. i will say however, as i would tell anyone... if you do get back together, you stay this strong confident woman you are becoming. it will keep you protected and happier i believe. we tend to get "lost" in our mates, and we can't do that. we need to be able to stand on our own 2 feet and take care of US. so, if you can keep that in mind, i think you will be ok.

so many people go back to a marriage and get back into the same rut they were in before...what good does that do? i know, i was one of those people, and my marriage did not end up working out.

mlhb

OK...so the weekend is over and WH is back on the road to OW. When I called home from the store last night after work, D14 told me that WH was leaving...going to head out into the snowstorm. I bought a couple of candy bars for him and came home. We talked a bit about his decision. He said he was going to try and get an hour or two down the road. I used logic. I told him that he was more than welcomed to stay and why should he risk his life to get an hour down the road. In addition, I pointed out that he would have to get a hotel room and could possibly end up paying for not one, but two nights. I know this kind of hit him because he is bitching about being broke. I gave him the candy bars and told him that I wasn't going to plead for him to stay. It was his decision. The candy bars were in case he got stranded. Before he could make the decision, the snow started to fall and he did decide to stay the night.

I cooked leftover ham, potatoes, and some veggies. I didn't go out of my way for dinner, but just normal fair. After supper, I went my way and he went downstairs with the kids. In the morning, he did help me shovel the 8 plus inches of snow. I know he mentioned that he has recently hurt his shoulder, and I took some motrin and water down to him in the familyroom. I discovered he was on his cell phone with OW. That hurt. But rather than starting a fight right then and there, I went back outside and shoveled some more. I was seriously pissed. After I calmed down, I came back inside and in a very calm voice, I told him that I thought it was extremely disrespectful for him to be talking to OW in my home...and in front of our children.

He did get a bit angry. Tried to tell me that this was still his home even though he does have a court order in his possession that says he has vacated. Still...I remained calm and told him that he hurt my feelings by being disrespectful, especially since I had gone out of my way to be nice and offer him a place to stay.

I went to work about an hour later. I did wish him a safe trip back to Missouri. I did call him tonight to make sure the roads were ok where he was traveling. He said the roads were fine and he did thank me for allowing him to stay in the house last night. He had passed several cars in the ditch...including semi's that were just destroyed. Kept it all cordial.

For the most part, I think the weekend went ok, but it still stings that he could be so callous and oblivious to my feelings...

Daughter's counselor has spoken with WH. She pretty much confirmed what I know already...that WH is really messed up right now and doesn't know what he really wants at this time. He's dug himself on huge hole and doesn't know how to climb out of it.

So the waiting game goes on...I hate waiting...

You did very, very well. You were showing him the way home, and at the same time, maintaining your boundaries. Many of the WS's seem to think it is okay to blatantly disrespect their family and home by calling the OP. I don't think it is ever a good idea to tolerate it. But you did fine. I'm proud of you.

I didn't go to work today. I have such a bad head and chest cold right now. I can't even think straight. I am hoping that an extra day off will help me recouperate.

It really sucks being sick and having no one there to help you out...

My lawyer talked to WH's lawyer today. WH's lawyer is concerned about him. WH's lawyer told my lawyer that my WH is unstable at this time...emotionally. Said that he isn't sure if WH wants the divorce. In addition, I have been having my own suspicions that WH is going through a depression right now.

I talked to my SIL tonight. I asked her to call her brother and talk to him some...see if she can convince him to seek some counseling or something. At this point in time, I don't think that if I called him, it would help. He doesn't want to talk to me. He's having second thoughts about the life he's abandoned here, but he's still with OW.

I hate all of this confusion right now...Plus, I am sick with a nasty head and chest cold which doesn't help at all...

I feel so alone right now.

Take good care of yourself. Your husband can take care of himself. It is good that he is having second thoughts about the life he is giving up for OW. These affairs never last. Sooner or later, they end. Let's hope it is sooner.

Hope you are resting and sleeping okay, and drinking lots of liquids. Not much you can do about a cold, but ride it out.

My cold is better today, but things have deteroriated with WH considerably today. I talked to him today. I had been getting really mixed signals from him over the past couple of weeks and they have really been messing with my head. Well, today I asked him very directly what he really wanted. He has no intention of returning. He has no intention of giving up his job in Missouri to return to Wisconsin to be closer to his children. He is back in his fantasy world in Missouri.

I can't take anymore of this abuse from him. I have had my fill. I am now cutting off all ties and I will proceed with the divorce. He has no remorse nor does he see any of the consequences of what he is doing to his children. He thinks that he can just walk back into their lives a year or two down the road and everything is going to be just fine with them. He doesn't know the depth of their hurt.

In addition, he doesn't even care about how he's hurt me and that is probably the hardest to accept. He's so cold and uncaring. I can't continue to take the crap he is dishing out. I have had my fill.

I called my lawyer today to start putting pressure to get his things out of the house. In addition, I am going to get him to change his mailing address and push to have him remove MY address from his checking account. I will not speak to him again if I can avoid it. I will speak to him through my lawyer.

He's a bull in a china shop and he's broke one too many pieces of china now... I have to protect myself in all of this from now on... He no longer matters...

Your husband is acting like they all do, like drug addicts getting their fix. Nothing else matters - not the marriage, you, or his kids. He will continue like this until the affair is over.

Getting an attorney to protect your family is a good idea. I would hold off on a divorce just now though.

I have already attained an attorney and filed for D. on Jan 11th. We have had our first court hearing to establish temporary orders. Our next court hearing is the prelimanary hearing scheduled for June 4th. So for now, I am going dark...no contact, nothing...

Are you planning to follow MB and write a Plan B letter?

I am pretty much thinking about it...

I think for my own emotional protection, I need to totally separate from him. I need to let reality really hit him and it will be brutal. I care for him and I worry about him, but I know that I can't protect him. I have to do what is right for me and the kids right now.

And right now I am trying to make the decisions that will be best for the kids.

I have contacted my lawyer today so that he may contact his lawyer. I have asked that a go-between be named for the kids' sake and that a neutral place be designated for pick ups and drop offs for the kids. I am drawing my boundaries now. I am considering possibly staying in our home for the kids' sakes. We have moved several times due to WH's employment. The last move was a year and a half ago. The children have made friends in the community. My oldest daughter was to start high school here in the fall and they are now possibly faced with moving again and leaving all of their friends behind again. The oldest daughter is very angry right now and I am not so sure if it would be right to move her again. She wants to stay here. I had thought about moving back to my own hometown, about 2 1/2 hours away from here and the kids seemed ok with it in Dec and January, but now my oldest is quite upset. Right now I am the only stability that these kids have. Their father is emotionally all over the board. He doesn't have a clear understanding of their hurt, anger and confusion. I am their rock and I want to be sure that I can give them what they need...

I feel so lost and lonely right now, but I have to stay strong for them.

I called my lawyer today...WH's lawyer sent my lawyer a letter requesting more money. As it is, I am trying hard to meet the bills and the mortgages. I have cut things in the house as drastically as I can, but WH wants even more money. He has basically abandoned me and the kids and left all his responsibilities to work and play with OW in another state. I am upset right now. I am ranting. I would like to call him up so badly and chew him out, but I won't. No contact means no contact, no matter how hard he tries to push my buttons. My lawyer is working on getting a mediator now so that I do not have to deal with him unless it is a dire emergency.

It sounds like I will be going back to court again soon...

At least I have all my documentation and can account for all my expenses. WH cannot... In addition, he's going to have a tough time in front of a judge when the judge finds out he's supporting OW and doesn't want to take care of his responsibilities here.

I know...just let my lawyer handle it... Breathe deeply.