Hello...

I am new to this forum and have been dealing with H's affair since Thanksgiving.

I have been doing what I can to protect myself financially. H. was beginning to drain our joint account for his lifestyle with OW, when I filed for D. I felt that it was the only way I could legally protect myself and our three children. I didn't want to file, but I felt like I had no choice.

Since Thanksgiving, I have been seeing a couselor and have been taking care of my needs. I have lost almost 45 lbs. Last weekend when H. dropped off the kids, he said I looked good. He told me that he has hit rock bottom and that he's unhappy. He even hinted that things with OW weren't going well and that it may be close to over. He is starting to talk the talk, but he isn't walking the walk.

I have pretty much come to terms that we would be D., even though I still love him. Now, he had totally rocked my world by this revelation. I am questioning the chance at reconcilliation. Not sure if it is going to happen right now...

I want him to get off the fence. I have asked him to get his personal belongings out of the house and he hasn't. I have put in a call to my lawyer to get a fire going under him. I want him to get a full dose of reality and the consequences of his actions. I think he got a dose of reality last weekend, but I really don't think he has completely hit rock bottom yet.

Not sure what I should do right now...loads of things to think about...

X,

If you want to reconcile, then you have to do things that move you in that direction. Moving towards the divorce isn't the best idea if you want him back, IMHO.

Try Plan A, first, for a very short time, then Plan B. That might make him move quicker. Read up on it and see what you think.

I hope the experts will come along and help you out!

SB

I know I kept everything pretty short, but I will give you more history on my situation...

In May of 2006, H. was worried about his job. Things weren't going so well at the office and he took a job in Missouri. A temporary job that would put him on a job site for six months... He came home every three weeks for a weekend. It was hard to cram three weeks into a weekend. Sometimes he was gone for up to a month at a time. I was left in Wisconsin taking care of the kids, the home, the bills, etc. In Missouri, he started living the bachelor life...going out to the bars with the guys, drinking, etc.

On Thanksgiving, I found out he started EA with OW back in mid Oct. By the beginning of Nov., it turned into a physical affair. When he told me about it, he had everything worked out in his mind. He wanted his personal things and his hunting and fishing stuff, and that was it. He wanted out. We talked a lot that weekend, even looked over 17 years worth of photos, and he cried. He said he was sorry and that he would go back there and break it off, but he wanted some time and space... Within a week of going back to Missouri, he told me that looking at our photo albums was nothing but emotional sabotage. I found out later that he moved OW in with him during that time. He moved her into the living quarters he was sharing with his boss.

He came back to Wisconsin mid Dec. to tell the kids that we were separating. He also told the kids that he was moving back here sometime in Feb. or Mar... I found out that it was his intention to bring her back here with him. I told him that the kids would not be emotionally ready for that. I also discovered that during that weekend, he had brought OW back to Wisconsin with him. He spent the days with me and the kids and the nights and mornings with her. He even went so far as to charge the hotel to our joint credit card.

Will continue this shortly...

He was here over Xmas and I did invite him to share xmas with the kids. We were very careful not to fight in front of the children. While he was here over xmas, he told the kids that he would not be coming back to Wisconsin and that he had accepted the job permanently. He told them within two hours of him leaving again. It was one huge emotional bomb after another with him.

In addition, he left Wisconsin early to go back to Missouri because as of the first of Jan, he didn't have living arrangements. I had just told him that I would not support his lifestyle in Missouri (he had agreed to live on his expense checks while there and leave our joint account alone), but during Dec. he had several debits out of our joint account. He told me that he was thinking about writing a check out of our joint account to get a new place for himself (and OW). No way...

I didn't feel like I had any other options but to file for D. He was going crazy like and making decisions and then changing them... So, on his next payday, I took the money out of our joint accound and hired a lawyer. I called him to tell him not to write any checks out of our account because there was no money in the account. He told me to quit playing headgames. I told him that I wasn't playing headgames and that I had hired a lawyer. On the following Monday I was signing my D. papers and that he could pick them up from my lawyer's office the following Friday when he got into town. He didn't expect me to file... He didn't expect me to take a stand and take control of my own life...

I feel like every day since then, I have been taking control of my own life. I have my own accounts now, my own credit card. People that haven't seen me in awhile do a double-take. It takes them a moment before they recognize me.

He has started this whining about his life now, about how unhappy he is, bellyaching about money, etc. And when he starts in about it, I have been putting it right back on him. His choices...his consequences. I have told him that I really don't want to hear about it.

I have many questions to answer. Yes, my heart still leaps every time I see him. I still love him and I still care about what happens to him, but I feel like it's one emotional bomb after another with him right now.

I will look into the plan A and plan B's. Not sure where I am at in all this mess right now...

Your situation sounds very promising to me. Good job on getting the attorney to protect the family finances. I didn't and my ex spent our savings, and his retirement bonus, and retirement fund on the affair. Now we are divorced, and he has NOTHING.

Continue protecting your finances. I hope your husband can get a job close to home. That is going to be essential.

H. had an opportunity to return to his old job, but he chose to remain in the traveling job so he could stay in Missouri. I had asked him to come home...if not for me, then for the kids, but he chose otherwise. Last weekend he was making the very first hints about asking if our marriage was completely over. How do I get him to come home? How do I make him want to be here when I see him very limited? When he picks up the kids and drops them off... Otherwise, our contact has been limited...

Yes, I have lost a ton of weight and I will admit that I have more to lose. My hair is done and I never leave the house without being dressed nicely and makeup in place. People that haven't seen me in awhile do double-takes when they finally recognize me.

I think my biggest problem is my mouth. Honestly, it is so hard right now to be nice to a man that continues to use you as a doormat... How do you do it?

the "mouth" is what we call "luv busters" ...

I am not a pro but I know you need to restarain the takler at all costs... You need to be making deposits not withdrawls...

I have been playing wack a mole with mine LB for some time..

Read the site there is a ton of free info... Get the SAA book ASAP... I let the pros help you with busting up the A.

the "mouth" is what we call "luv busters" ...

I am not a pro but I know you need to restarain the takler at all costs... You need to be making deposits not withdrawls...

I have been playing wack a mole with mine LB for some time..

Read the site there is a ton of free info... Get the SAA book ASAP... I'll let the pros help you with busting up the A.

Just bite your tongue. It might help to think of him as a drug addict who is "addicted" to his drug (the other woman).

When you talk to him be cheerful and calm. You can let him know that you believe in him, and would like to save your marriage.

He will need to work closer to home, though. Otherwise, just more problems coming.

How long till the divorce is final in your state?

I talked to H. this morning. Kept the conversation on the light side and did not blame anyone or anything. We talked a bit about him removing his things from the house. He hasn't slept here since the weekend of Thanksgiving, but still most of his belongings are in the house. In fact, his mail still comes to our home. I am not going to speak to him again about removing his belongings. He did talk a bit about by removing his things from the house, that the D. would become more real to the kids. I am not so sure if he was using the kids as a metaphor for himself. If he removes his things from the house, then the D. will become more real to him...something I think he doesn't want to think about.

I really don't want this D. but I do want reality to hit him square in the eyes. I am resolved to about changing my own behavior and keeping my mouth shut when it comes to my own hurt and anger. I vow to be pleasant when he comes to pick up the kids on Friday morning...

Good job. It is very difficult, but is the way to possibly mend the relationship. They almost always want to come back to the marriage, but there has to be no contact with the other woman, and a job change.

Keep reading here about Plan A. That is where you need to start.

Right now, I don't think he knows what he wants. He is still with OW and his job is in Missouri. He justifies his job choice, saying that it's the best way he can provide for his kids. I don't know how to make him want to change his job and leave OW. These feelings that he had two weeks ago about being unhappy in his current situation are new to him. Reality is just starting to sneak up on him now. It is probably in my best interest to do what I can to make him miss home, miss the things we did as a couple and as a family. So, I am thinking that before he picks up the kids on Friday, I will cook a big breakfast...bacon and pancakes with blueberry sauce for the kids and they will be eating when he arrives. I will nicely offer him a plate, but not force the issue. I will be pleasant, not overbearing or pushy. I will hug and kiss the kids and wish them well...

I don't see any other way at this point other than to make him really miss the things that used to really matter to him...

That is a good plan. Have you read the lighthouse post?

No...I haven't read it yet, but I will... A good friend has encouraged me to check out this site and I really want to be able to save my marriage.

My friend suggested to find a way to bust up the affair. It has been exposed in Wisconsin. WH's family knows. Right now he is avoiding his father's home because his father has been telling him that he's making a huge mistake and I am sure the way his father carries on... H is avoiding him like the plague. The rest of his brothers and sister know as well.

I don't know how to bust up the affair in Missouri. I am sure he is probably the laughing stock of the job site right now. He moved OW in with him in Dec of 2006, into the living quarters he was sharing with his boss. Do I write a letter to the higher ups and put pressure on them? I don't want to jeopardize H's job and OW is not affiliated with the company, so I am sure the company may just blow me off... I don't know...

Where is the lighthouse post?

Please help

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

"I don't want to jeopardize H's job"

You would not be jeopardizing his job, he is. Is telling the truth a reason to fire someone? No. What your H is doing maybe reason though - his doing not yours.

If he gets fired then he may move back here to Wis.

Bring the light of day to the work place. A are not as much fun when everyone knows about them. So yes eapose to the workplace/bosses.

Thank you for your encouragement and advice...

I need to take some time to gather my thoughts and compose the letter. I don't want to come across as the angry bitter wife, but a loving wife who cares deeply for her husband.

Thank you again...