Mel,

Hmmm.. I think you were a little rough on this here newby

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3188058

Now, she's apparently gone away. Do you think there's any way to welcome her to continue discussing her problem with us?

-AD

Well, I think in this case, the truth was a "little rough." Hopefully, she listened and took our advice. Unfortunately, we have no control over that.

Mel does not do sunshine enemas. What's your point?

Mel and BK,

My point is that this woman came here looking for help.

Mel's comments ... were such that a reasonable person would be offended.

It seemed to me that you were calling her a fool.

OK, suppose a fool comes here and posts. Should she rot? Or can we take a respectful (to her, as a person) tone and try to help?

The newby comes here looking for help in a desparate situation and should recieve, as far as we are able, respectful treatment.

I remember the first time I posted about my situation here, and somebody said, in short, "You didn't marry a real woman. Divorce her and get a real woman."

As a newby, I didn't know anybody on this forum. I didn't know about the previous month's wars or who was in and who was out or any of that stuff. I didn't know who's opinion was never to be trusted - and who's opinion was never to be questioned.

So, I just deleted all my posts and backed out for a month or two - during which time I could have been recieving helpful advice if I had not been driven away by somebody who turns out to have been nobody important.

I think this lady is gone. But can we be a little more respectful on the next one?

That's all I'm asking.

-AD

I read what was posted to that newbie and found nothing at all amiss. That's me.

Disagree, Ad, she was not treated disrespectfully at all, nor are you in a position to dictate posting styles here. She heard some much needed truth, something which your own post sorely lacked, IMO. But, nothing is stopping you from saying some cute words to her if you think that will bring her back and help her in anyway. I don't mind if you post in the style that expresses your personality, but be assured I will post in the style that suits me.

I don't think you fully comprehend what this young, naive girl is up against and thusly, don't understand why we were so straightforward with her. She is dealing with a liar and a con-artist who speaks the language of [censored] for a reason: he is hiding something. She is poised to marry a dishonest, dishonorable man who has abandoned his own child and very probably is already married to someone else. She is poised to make one of the biggest mistakes of her life by marrying a man with such HUGE RED FLAGS.

Such a situation does not warrant cute, NiceSpeak FuzzyTalk words, but very straightforward warnings to WAKE HER [censored] UP. She seriously needs a WAKE UP CALL to bring her out of her own fog. She does not even recognize that he is speaking doublespeak to her.

That is not being "too rough" to point out that this is a conartist who is using the language of [censored] to keep her in place. When someone is sitting on the train tracks oblivious to the fact that the train is COMING, cute, peachy words will not suffice, but rather a 2x4 to get them off the tracks.

Now, I have no idea why she did not come back, and neither do you, but it is more likely that she heard something she did not want to hear and is simply TRUTH AVERSE. We have no control over that, though.

So, be assured, AD, that I will continue to post in the style that suits ME. If it doesn't suit you, that is your own personal problem to resolve because you do not have control over others here.

OK, perhaps I shoud be specific. The last post (after which the original poster did not reappear) was


Again, Mel was calling the lady a fool. Even though the lady's primary language is evidently not English, I think she got the message.

When somebody comes looking for helpful advice and all we can tell them is "You're an idiot", I think we have failed as a community.

Just my opinion... but I venture to share it with Mel, because I believe she genuinely seeks to help people here. I suspect that she has become so comfortable with the reparte' with the regulars here, that she might not have thought about how that would sound to a new person.

-AD

p.s. AD, if a post does not meet your personal standards, might I suggest that you inform the MODS to get them to set the offensive poster straight? You do not set the standards on this board and are not in a position to dictate your personal standards to others. The MODS are, however.

You can report me at [email]justuss02@aol.com.[/email] Otherwise, I really don't give a damn if you like my posts or not.

Mel,

I see we posted simultaneously.

Since when is sharing my opinion "dictating?"

-AD

Mel,

So, what you are saying is that members of a community should call the police first instead of trying to talk to their neighbors about something that bothers them?

I prefer to think that you are a reasonable person and I can communicate directly with you.

-AD

I thought you believed this, Mel.

-AD

Oh so tempting..... but NVM.

Oh dear God, this woman is being CONNED and your biggest concern is that she will "feel like a fool" if we tell her this? AD. AD. You are doing this lady a disservice. If she feels like a fool to have the obvious pointed out, I think she can survive that. What she can't survive is marrying a faithless man who is hiding something from her.

You are missing the big picture here, AD, and losing yourself on the false altar of nice words. Nice words are not what this lady needs, AD. She needs help understanding she is marrying a man with serious RED FLAGS.

AD, it is not "reasonable" to imagine you can control the posting styles of others. That is arrogant and dictatorial. And won't work. You can only control yourself, AD.

I think it is imperative that this board have caring people that are willing to cut to the chase in a situation. Mel and BK are not always on the same page as me... but I ALWAYS know I am getting their honest take on things.

Sunshine enemas run rampant on these baords at times... it is nice to see some people willing to be direct... which in my opinion is a lot more caring than some other more gentle appraoches.