i know i'm supposed to be plan A-ing, but it's just so hard right now. the past 4 weeks i have been giving WH my all, only to find out that every word out of his mouth has been a lie, and that the A was continuing.
i guess i feel like it's his turn to give it his all and make me happy.

he says he will quit his job tomorrow. he has a friend he wants to talk to about everything (he hasn't really told anyone) before he does something that drastic. but i feel confident that talking to this friend will not change his mind.

part of me just wants to give him up, let him be with the OW, let their relationship run it's course and fizzle out. then he'll come crawling back to me and by then it will probably be too late.


i guess i need some words of encouragement. someone to tell me it will all be worth it, even though i know yall can't know for sure.

i'm just at the end of my rope, grasping for anything.
FO

have you taken steps to financially protect yourself and your child?

Pep

I'll just share my experience (you can read my threads for more details) and if any of it applies, I hope it helps.

After multiple D Days (3) and 4 months of intact NC I caught my husband lying about his online activities. He had not actually contacted her, but he was checking online often, wondering about her. I did not know about withdrawal but he had sent the NC email, committed to our renewed marriage, but was still in the slimy alien clutches.

That night, I gave up, said that he was right....that I deserved better and it would be best if he left. And I meant it.

I decided to take the 10 days off (we were supposed to leave on a vacation in 3 hours) to get the house ready to sell, pay off the bills and start over.

He snapped out of the fog within the time it took him to saunter over to the door, dragging his one pathetic bag with him. It's been 3 months and he's only getting better.

It won't happen that way with everyone, but it worked for me. I haven't seen his latest but Ken313 noted a similar scenario might be happening for him last night. Check out his sitch for more developments and possible encouragement.

If you feel in your gut that it's time to let go, protect yourself and make any needed preparation arrangements, but mean it when you say it. It just may illuminate you in a different light that fades the fog tentacles away from your WH.

Ace

any advice on how to do this? our finances are 100% combined. he SAYS he would give me all of our savings, any money we make on the house and our tax refund.
his parents are pretty well off and i feel that they would help me as well. they will definitely take my side over this. they will be so shocked their son would do this to me and their granddaughter.

we are debt free, except the house, if that factors in to this.

any advice would be appreciated.

that may be what i have to do Ace. that will be my last resort.
thanks for sharing that.

Check your puls:
Are you running out of strength?
Are you able to give your daughter all the attention and care she needs?
Do you have a 24/7 support team?

Don't plan A too long. I did. It didn't turn WS around and I ended up having a nervous breakdown ... not an attactive picture for a WS.


Do you have legally sound proof of the affair? Get that and go to a lawyer. Equip yourself for the worst. Secure finances for you and your daughter. Expose the affair to your families and at the workplace. Plan A another 2 weeks until the dust settles from exposure.

Then Plan B your WH. Meanwhile work hard at treating yourself well and spend your efforts and attentions on your small child. Stay dark, but if he contacts you make sure you look great and sound happy and din't have time for him because you are glad to be rid of him and you are enjoying life so much.

yes, i'm running out of strength. no i'm not able to give my daughter what she needs. my only support is one friend who lives out of state, you guys and the OWH.

proof of affair? well, i guess not. he admitted it, she admitted it. the OW and her H are getting a D.

exposure: my WH (and OW) workplace knows - and THEY DON'T CARE!!! i am furious about this. they just had to ensure that no sexual harassment took place. otherwise, it's b/w them. neither is fired. it sickens me.

our families do not know. i'm not very close to mine. my WH mother knows sort of, but doesn't know there was an A for sure. just knows we are having bad problems.

The affair will continue as long as they are working together. So expect that everything that comes out of his mouth is one big lie. That way you won't get your hopes dashed over and over.

I think you need to see an attorney also to protect your family financially. All WS's SAY they will continue giving money, but that often stops. Get something in writing.

I think you should stay in Plan A. If you stop expecting anything and pretend you are dealing with a drug addict, it gets easier.

I agree with Believer:

Don't believe anything verbalized until it's been confirmed the adultery is over for good. Protect yourself from being hurt by refusing to even consider the validity of any fog-talk-claims.

Stay in Plan A and don't listen to the babble.

You can do this.

I would also expose further, ESPECIALLY since they don't care at the workplace! Stinx doesn't it? How acceptable it is to some, even though it is TOTALLY unprofessional!!!

Just keep on exposing until somebody you expose to DOES care! and until the adulterers themselves ARE bothered by who knows.

that helps, believe it or not.

we had a bad day today. he told his mom, well, not exactly. his mom asked if either of us had an affair, and he just said "we're trying to work it out". so i called her and asked if she needed to ask me anything. all she said was "i guess i know the answer to the question is yes"
we talked about "it" w/out saying the word. i think she was still in shock b/c she didn't seem angry.

he is supposed to give his 2 weeks notice tomorrow. we'll see if that happens and how it goes.

thanks for all of yall's input. i feel a little better.

FO

EXPOSE to everyone you can think of. Make a list!

Hang in there FO! From your sig line it looks like you just found out about this in January, is that right? Snoop, look for numbers; look at WH's phone late at night when he's asleep, write down as many numbers as you can find, with names. Look at your list, if any of those people are on it, begin calling. Exposure to family is key, also. It made my H very angry that I told everybody I could. He looked like an a$$, but, let's face it, he WAS!!!

Also, there is a certain level of detachment that you can find in Plan A. Start doing things for yourself, take care of yourself, pamper yourself. Show outward confidence (as best you can). Are you on AD's? Have you seen a doc to at least talk about your sitch? Get as much help as you can.

forgiving one...your sitch really stinks. and you are just starting a long journey. it may get worse for a bit, but I will tell you. it WILL get better, eventually... and you CAN do this!!

I am about 4 mos out from D-day.... and I have been through plan A and on to B now. the veterans here have seen it all. they have great advice. listen to it. Exposure is needed. I felt a bit apprehensive about it at first and caught a lot of crap about it from WS and OP, but it is necessary. WS wont like it. they don't like you upseting the fantasy land.



this is so true, and you need to hear it a hundred times before you actually believe it. after all he is your H, you know him best right? he MUST be telling the truth. well, your H is in hiding, he's been taken over by a creature who will spew the most ridiculous stuff and actually expect you to understand it. DO NOT listen to anything he says...judge him by his actions...the one you are waiting for is NC...your 1st objective is NC. don't get your hopes up when he says he's quiting his job. he will drag his feet.
I have gotten stuck on a lot of wonderful words from my WS, and I believed a great deal of them...I just found that I kept getting rearended when WS always ended up back in OP's arms. protect yourself.

thanks everyone.

my MIL now knows the full story. but my FIL is having surgery today, and she couldn't bear to tell him. My MIL asked me to give WH 2 more weeks (until FIL is recovered) since WH would have to move in with them if i plan B him.

WH will not quit his job. he knows if he as much as calls or texts OW he is out of the house. i've accepted the fact that this decision may mean the end of our marriage, and i'm ok with that. it's not what i want, but the ball is in his court.

also, OWH has decided to give OW another chance. he and i are comparing notes and keeping tabs on them as best as we can. he has said that OW will have to quit her job, but i would assume he will let her work thru tax season (he is in public accounting too)

that's the latest update from crazy town.

FO

[color:"blue"] contact a family law attorney
tell attorney you are looking at protecting yourself financially if you need to separate from your WH

ask what a separation agreement would look like

you are not there to discuss divorce, but *possible* separation agreement financial protection

you're doing GREAT

hang in there

Pep [/color]

Has MIL talked to WH? What did she say to him if so?



Good for you, that only leaves those 40 hours a week for them to talk to eack other. This time of year (taxes) it could be 60 to 80 hours. The ball is not in his court, it's in yours and you need to start using it your way.



Good for OWH and for you two keeping tabs on them. Which one of you goes to work with them to keep these tabs on them? I know you can see my point.

My O here, your WH and OW are playing the tax season as an excuse to keep working there so they can see each other.

If your H or OW were deadly serious about fixing the A problem and working on the M then they would quit today if need be. The M and family would come first and a new job second.

Don't let your H play you.

Have you thought about calling the bosses wife?

I am not yelling at you, I'm yelling to you. I don't want your hurt to gone on forever. I want your family back togther for you, you H and your baby.

I just hate it when I read about a WS flaunting it like they do.

M2L,

MIL has not talked to my WH yet. she plans to give him an earful though.

i haven't really considered telling the bosses' wives, b/c i don't actually know any of them. My WH has only been working there 10 months or so. up until yesterday, i thought WH was going to quit his job.

i guess i'm just ready for this to be over, ya know? and if he's not willing to sacrifice his job (he says he would be depressed if unemployed, and it would be hard to find another job during tax season) maybe this should be the end of our road. i hope not, but his actions will determine our future. i told him how i feel about him keeping his job, but he says i'm wrong.

i'm just taking it day by day.

{{{{forgivingone}}}}

Listen to pepperband, execellent advice.

I'm not in this line of work, but isn't this another "excuse"? Correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn't it be EASIER to find a job, even one that is temporary, during busy times. Just like stores hire extra help at Christmas time, I would think tax firms would hire extra help at tax time.

Like someone else said, it's time to knock your H off the fence he is sitting on. He isn't going to change anything until something abruptly smacks him in the face.

I know of many employers that don't care and don't want to hear about A's going on in the workplace (I work for one of them). Most people don't want to be "bothered" with other peoples business. If the employers don't care, I'm not sure what will make their wives care. Perhaps someone could shed some light on why that was suggested.

I wish you the best and feel so sad for you. You are doing a good job by staying strong. I hope your MIL can help.

I'm not sure what the MB way would be, but if I were in your shoes I would pack my H bags and have them sitting on the front step when he gets home today. That gesture would hopefully smack him toward reality of what he is giving up.

I feel bad because a week or so ago, I mentioned to you that sometimes people can remain working together after an A. I don't see that as the case for your situation. I'm sorry for even saying that to you. He needs to leave his place of employment ASAP.