thanks lifeschoice

my WH is just being so hard headed. he seems to think he can make it 2 months w/out touching OW, but if she stays in our area, we will have to move, and not just out of town, but to another part of the country.

part of his reasoning about not quitting is that any potential future employer would question him leaving during busy season. and they probably wouldn't look too kindly on him if he told them the truth (which he would have to)

i guess i'll give him the 2 weeks his mother asked me to before plan b-ing his a.ss.

More fog talk here. Tell him that is a consequence for his poor choice and too bad.

You are a stronger person than I would be, I don't think I could wait 2 weeks to plan B him if I were you. I would have to do something now, but I realize I am not you and it's probably easier for me to sit here and say that.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

thanks lifeschoice
i am not strong, i am weak. i know if my WH can't stay with his parents, he could likely run to the OW. i guess i feel him being with me protects him from even more time with OW.

i just talked to OWH and he said if they are going to work it out, she will be quitting her job ASAP and will not be staying in the area. so that's good news for me, as i really did not want to have to move.
hopefully the OW and her H will have made a decision by the weekend and the ****** that is my life will begin to brighten.

I'm in agreement with LC here. This is your marriage not your MIL's. He brought this all on himself. If he wants a happy home, he'll do what it takes. Otherwise then, it's obvious he wants to continue cake eating, he's still in the fog (or continuing the A). He promised to quit before but then waffled and there were no consequences from you.

He should be grateful that a dent in his resume would be the worst he has to pay for what he's done. How many of us FWS's have lost much more and deservedly so?

You cannot implement an effective recovery plan while there is still contact. You have to enforce NC if you want to even begin to attempt recovery at this early stage.

That being said, I don't think you should give up, as in divorce. It is still very soon, he's still fogged and there's way too much to get through before you've exhausted all hope. But you've got to have no contact to start!

see an attorney
this is PART of Plan A

be prepared

Pep

"If the employers don't care, I'm not sure what will make their wives care. Perhaps someone could shed some light on why that was suggested."

That was my suggestion.

Boss doesn't care if there is an A going on in the office. Why would he?

A call to his wife - woman to woman and maybe mom to mom explaining the whole sitch and how the boss doesn't care if the poor babies mother is getting chit on. Well bosses wife give boss an ear full and next thing you know WH better never even look at OW again or WH gets fired or WH just gets fired the next day for the trouble he caused. Either way NC is reached. THAT is the goal here.

Just an idea

And LC, no A partners can not "just work together" after an A is done.

Forgivingone,

I have read the first few posts and have had you on my mind and wanted to share with you what I have learned over the past nine months of recovery in my marriage. I know how discouraged you feel right now not to mention the pain and anguish of being betrayed by the one person you loved and trusted most in the world. What helped me stay alive and focused was HOPE. I read everything I could get my hands on. Surviving an Affair by Harley is excellent because you read real life examples of people who've been through similar situations and they made it through. They didn't give up. Eventually your spouse will begin to see himself a bit clearer and the fog will lift. Then he will see you for who you are; patient, loving, kind.

I don't know what I would've done without all the books and websites I visited. I had to learn to go against my natural tendancy to feel angry and hurt, so that when my husband did get through the fog he was grateful for me and my kindness.

We are still very early on in this recovery and trust is still a huge issue for me, but with each passing day I can see him genuinely moving closer to me and we are looking forward to a better future together.

A few of the books that helped me considerably are: the one already mentioned, "Surviving an Affair", "Not Just Friends", "Private Lies", and the last one I read is "My Husband's Affair Became The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me".

Besides this website, another one that is most helpful is Beyond Affair Network.

Educating myself on the best steps to take and learning why an affair can happen was what kept me sane.

I wish you well on this long and difficult journey, and please know that if your husband is sincere in his desire to stay with you, your relationship can be better than it was before.

Keep taking deep breaths.

thanks LHF

i do believe he is still in the fog. i just hope i still have love for him when he gets out.

i hope to be where you are in 9 months.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> does this mean you've told your WH about MB discussion board?

(hoping not)

Pep

yeah, he knows about it. i have asked him not to read the posts. he says he won't, but he has been known to lie.
i had wanted him to post here so yall could help him. some people said that would be ok.

but for now, he is not posting and hopefully not reading.

*thud*

M2L

"Boss doesn't care if there is an A going on in the office. Why would he?

A call to his wife - woman to woman and maybe mom to mom explaining the whole sitch and how the boss doesn't care if the poor babies mother is getting chit on. Well bosses wife give boss an ear full and next thing you know WH better never even look at OW again or WH gets fired or WH just gets fired the next day for the trouble he caused. Either way NC is reached. THAT is the goal here.

Just an idea"

Thank you for answering. This seems reasonable, but most people, especially if they aren't family don't want to be in other peoples business. My co-workers had strong suspicions what was going on, as did my best friend. Once the A was out in the open my H asked them why no one clued him in. Their response was they didn't want to make it their business.

"And LC, no A partners can not "just work together" after an A is done."

My FOM and I worked together for 2 years after the A ended. The first year we were still hiding it from our spouses and both were 110% committed to our marriages. The second year both spouses knew. I confessed to my H and when my H confronted FOM he told me I forced him to confess to his W. I didn't force him do anything, but he liked to believe I did. My H also informed FOM's W, in case he didn't really tell her. My H didn't believe him when he said he did. FOM gave his notice the day after my H confronted him. He agreed to stay until they found a replacement for him, this took 8 months. I believe it helped that I only work part-time. I do see there is no way it can work for most, but it did work in my situation. I credit that fact we both committed to our marriages and were very careful to keep everything on a business level. We worked very closely together and nothing was ever rekindled. It seems we were certainly an exception.

i know. if i could do it again i wouldn't tell him about it

FO,

I just wanted to check on you to see how you are doing today.

today is a little better. i have hope. last night my WH took the initiative to read "unfaithful" by gary and mona shriver. that meant a lot to me. i also came to the realization that i don't want to live the rest of my life w/o him. if he cheats again, i WILL kick him out of the house - he knows this. but i told him how i was feeling, and asked him to please not cheat again. he said he won't, but he's been known to lie before <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

i did make the mistake of looking at our old cell phone bill online - again (from 12/16 - 1/16) and he had over 2,000 texts, with 99% being back and forth b/w him and the OW.

i'm thinking of posting her cell # here so yall can send her some texts - calling her mean names. probably illegal or something though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

but if anyone wants to, let me know!

Oh, how much fun that would be! I'd love to share the ow's phone number for all to text and harrass, as well. LOL! Isn't it only fair since she caused so much chaos and pain in my life? Not placing the blame entirely on her though, Lord knows my FWH was just as responsible as she, but the only difference between them now is that he has moved on and she's still hanging on to the hope that he won't forget her, thus her texts on his Birthday, New Year's and Valentine's Day.

Anyway, I like your idea.

Hope you have a good day. Keep in mind as you and your husband work to repair this situation there will be really bad days and then some good days. Remember the bad days will pass.

All the best to you.

LHF,
i think your H needs a new cell #. mine will be getting one once NC is achieved (it would be pointless now, b/c he could give it to her or she could get it from a co-worker)

it feels like nothing will get better until there is NC. and at least i know that. this site has been such a godsend.

thanks everyone

FO, I'm glad you see some hope. It is def a good sign for him to read that book. There will be ups and downs, some days you'll feel like you've made progress and others it will seem like you've regressed, but that's normal. Just keep talking!

Just hang in there, keep posting here, especially on bad days, and you'll get through it. You'll find you have more strength than you ever thought.

i feel cautiously optimistic today. my WH is out of town for business and OW is here, so i can rest easy until he gets back tomorrow afternoon. (i confirmed this with his employer)

i wrote him a letter and put it in his luggage. and he brought "unfaithful" with him to read at night.

things are looking up i think.

ok, want to give up again.
well, not give up, but make an ultimatum

either i see some changes in him or he's out. he claims he is trying and sometimes i believe him. i'm just so angry at this moment and i don't want to say something to him i will regret.

advise please