FO,

Did something happen between the times you posted today?

Why can't you give him an ultimatum?

Do you journal your thoughts? Journaling is very therapeutic. It sometimes helps to put it down on paper. Say everything you want to say to him in the heat of the moment because you are the only one who will see it. After you let it all out then you can pick and choose what you want to say to him.

I journal in word documents on my computer vs in a notebook. I don't worry about spelling, grammar or punctuation. I just let my words and thought fly however they come out.

the only thing that happened was our cell phone bill became available on line. i knew what it was going to say, but just seeing it really hurt. oh, and i did text OW to find out if she is possibly pregnant. she says she isn't, but who knows?
plus, he is really down today. crying and what not. it brings me down.
part of me wants to say "get it together! stop feeling sorry for yourself!"

i don't journal my thoughts. just post here and save all of the e-mails i send to my friend. somewhat of a journal. it's weird to go back and read my old e-mails.

thanks for the reply. i actually feel a little better this afternoon. that is subject to change of course.

am i the only one who feels better when with my WS? when i'm with him, i guess my attraction to him overrides my anger. when we are apart, i get all mad again.

My WH thinks he may be depressed. has anyone else experienced this with their WS?
and what i'm wondering, which came first, the depression or the affair?

thanks to anyone who has insight.
and i know that depression is not an excuse for having an affair.

He may be depressed, and depression can contribute to making a person weak for an affair. Men hardly ever admit they are depressed. I hope he will see his doctor, as depression is easily fixed.

If he *thinks* he may be, he most likely is. I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, long before I was actually officially diagnosed ten years ago.

Besides which, if he wasn't depressed before, circumstances are certainly ripe for it now.

Either way, getting treatment for it, C and meds, will definitely have a positive impact on your recovery. It's definitely worth having checked out.

Depression is not an excuse, but it helps to understand how the WS was more likely to make poor choices and not think clearly...

Your husband is very fortunate to have someone who is making such an effort to help him and recover the M.

FO, these are triggers...they are everywhere...you have to work on some way of dealing with them because they will cause you much distress. this will not go away..triggers will always be there, but your emotions and reactions to them will become less severe over time. try not to speak to WS after you've been triggered, try to find another outlet for your anger...talk to friends, journal, take a hot shower, exercise.

FB (or anyone)
if i experience a trigger, are you saying that i should not tell my WH how i am feeling? i guess in that moment, i am so hurt that i want him to know. i want him to feel bad. i spend so much of my emotions trying to make him happy and to be happy, i just want to be sure he knows how bad he hurt me.
i will take yall's advice though. you seem to know what you are talking about. he has said that when i'm down it brings him down.

should i just pretend i'm ok most of the time? is that the route to take?

not pretend, express in a clear way that you are hurt...but not with anger and emotion...when you get triggered...you get a surge of adrenalin...and if you express yourself at that time it will undoubtedly come out as a DJ or AO. the key is to get control of yourself....act, don't react. then when your calm convey your hurt and dissappointment in a clear way, but controlled....its very very tricky..

check out WAT's guide for newly betrayed spouses , i think it's on the 'just found out' forum, has very clear explanations of the carrot and stick of plan A.

yall say to vent here rather than to my WH, so here goes:

I love him but i'm not in love with him - ha, right? during the 3 weeks b/w d-day #1 and d-day #2 i loved him AND i was in love with him. but d-day #2 just killed me.
that he could lie so blatantly day after day, about everything! that he could screw her, then come home and have sex with me, or tell me he's "too tired"

now he says he's telling the truth. i want to believe him, but it was so easy for him to lie to me before. he has made a few noticable changes this time, but he still resists SF with me.
i've been considering asking him to move out, just so we can both see what it would be like to be apart. i'm hoping we would both realize we can't live without each other.

and then there's the other part of me, that is a little excited about having my own place, decorating as i please, spending money how i want to, and meeting new people. the idea of being married to someone who had never and would never cheat on me is very appealing.

i'm just throwing this out there for yall - b/c if i say it to WH, i don't know if i would regret it

thanks for listening.

FO

This thought crossed my mind over and over again, BUT, it is really not as easy or glamorous as it seems. You will go through your own withdrawal and you will feel a sense of loss that can only be remedied by lots of time, or a REAL attempt at doing everything within your power to save your M. I see you have a VERY young daughter. Do you think you can continue, at least initially, for her sake?

Withdrawal is killer and can last even longer when the WS has contact of ANY kind with the OP. This seems to be YOUR case. Now, once the A occurred, YOU had every right to divorce. What made you choose to recover, even after second d-day?

What have you done FOR yourself, lately, to try to relax, rejuvenate? Unfortunately, Plan A is heavily focused on the WS, and you can get lost in it. Take care of yourself.

i think i can continue, assuming the A is really over.

the reason i didn't quit after d-day #2, was b/c, along with the confession, my WH had a revaltion that i was his soulmate, he was an idiot, and he would do ANYTHING to win me back. those were the words i had been waiting to hear. and it was genuine. unfortunately, the next day, he felt confused again.
if there is a d-day #3, i will move to plan B - no matter what revalation he has.

it's only been a week and a half since d-day 2 - and he has been trying, i know i need to give him some more time.

also, WH and I (from his e-mail account) emailed OW asking about her job plans. she said she didn't know what she was going to do. i guess that really got me down. she had previously stated she would be leaving the state if she and her BH were not able to reconcile (that is very unlikely at this point). i am assuming she has not started looking for another job, and once tax season is over, it could take her months to find a new one.
i had thought i only had 6 more weeks of true he.ll. but it could be 3 or 4 months. "we" wrote her back asking if she had started looking for a new job and if she would quit her current job before she found a new one. we are awaiting her reply.

plus, i just started back on birth control and i'm sure that's contributed to my emotional state.

am i taking care of myself? i don't guess so. i work FT and then come home and take care of my DD, my dogs and my house until WH gets home. then i try to meet his ENs.
i'm exhausted.

anyway, thanks for the reply. hopefully i answered the questions you asked.

FO

I am very much like you. I get up in the morning, let the dogs out, feed them, get my DS up, get him ready, feed him; meanwhile, WH showers, then I shower. Then I go to work, work a regular day (9-5) then pick up DS from daycare, then continue my work at home, and am doing a RECOVERY Plan A.

I also go out with my girlfriends, take short naps, when possible, talk to friends, come here to vent. Do you have any close friends that you can go have a glass of wine and some lunch with? Sounds like you need some ME time. It's exhausting having a one year old, even if the rest of your life is great.

Keep up communication with WH, even if it's just about how each others' day went. I decided that I would kiss my WH in the morning before he leaves and before bed. I also decided that I would not get lost in all of this. Find your way back to yourself ( I know this is not easy).

thanks SL
actually, very few of my friends know about the A. one of my co-workers knows, and one friend who lives out of state. i have been to a baby shower since i found out about the A, and it was hard to be happy and hard to have normal conversations. people kept asking me if i was ok.
the reason we haven't told our friends is b/c they are all "couple" friends. i'm friends with the wives, by WH is friends with the husbands. we all also go to church together. i'm not sure they could ever look at my WH the same way if they knew. they do know we are having "problems" but i know they would never consider the possiblity that my WH had an A. never.
assuming we are able to recover, i would like to keep all of these friendships.

i do take time for myself on wednesday night to watch lost. that's about it for "me" time.

I'm a bit opposite you, in respect to who knew about my WH's A; Hmmm, that would be EVERYBODY! I didn't tell them out of spite, I told them because they were my friends, and they were, surprisingly in some cases, VERY supportive; still are, however concerned they are for me.

It's tough when your friends do know, but it's tougher without their support, for you and your WH, during recovery. Also, you never know who has suffered your similar plight...

One thing that I have found is that I know WHO my true friends ARE. I had people telling me to move in with them; people I never expected to come to my aid. I also had people completely ignore me (mostly WH's friends). I've come to find that people untouched by infidelity really have no idea the damage it does to the BS. I can't say that I really knew, either, prior to my WH's A.

I would suggest that you take a nice, long bath now and then or read something FUNNY as opposed to something serious. Think about who you were prior to this mess, prior to children, and work on her.

FO,

Just a suggestion...why don't you at least add Heroes on Monday night to your "me" time, 'kay? I'm already there with you on Wednesdays...

Seriously, do you have a plan for how to proceed if the (F)OW decides not to leave her job?

Do take care of yourself. You won't be able to do anyone (or your marriage) any good if you completely burn out.

Mom

i have started watching heroes lately. it's not "must-see" like lost, but still gets my mind off of things for an hour.

my WH agreed today that if OW is not planning to put her 2 weeks notice in on April 1st, he will. either way, they will no longer be working together after april 15th. if he doesn't come through on this promise, i am prepared to plan B until she's completely out of his life.

i have begun updating his resume and e-mailed him 3 possible jobs today. hopefully he'll show me he's serious about this by applying for them.

thanks for all of the replies.

FO

You are doing some great legwork for your WH, showing support and doing a good Plan A. That is really all that YOU can do.

I want you to know that you are doing such a good job, and I don't want you to forget about yourself, your health, and YES, YOUR happiness. I've been told a number of times that I need to be happy, ME, by myself. This is a tall order for you right now, but I think you can at least START now.

does it really get easier?
i'm so low right now, i just want all of this to end.
i don't want to be alone, but i don't know if i can ever really forgive my WH and i don't know if i can ever trust him again.
i know it's worse b/c he is still working with the OW.

would asking him to move out help at all? does anyone have experience with plan B-ing, just to save your sanity? would it save my sanity or make me more crazy?

please help!!!

bumping for sympathy/advice/etc,

FO...

I don't see any point in having him move out...the affair is over and he is working on recovery, right? Unless you have evidence that the A is in fact not over or that you are simply unwilling/unable to wait until after tax deadline for H to quit his job for NC, keep the status quo.

That's only something you can decide, based on your finances and how you feel recovery is going despite OW still being around.

Mom