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At this point you can't really get much reassurance that Plan A is working. Plan A is more like a prerequisite for Plan B. As far as I've gathered Plan A itself doesn't put an end to adultery that often. Just keep doing the best Plan A you can for as long as you can. I've read that a betrayed guy has to Plan A a lot longer than a betrayed gal has to in order to be effective. Don't give up on Plan A too soon. At this point you're showing her what she will be losing if she doesn't choose to stay with you. Keep your cool man. Don't beg.

Exposure is OK though, the more the better.
She'll complain but as long as you two are in a relationship, you have a right to know what's going on.
Her secrecy is the wrong, not your finding out and exposing.

Stick to Plan A. Don't expect immediate results. You can do this.

She's your GF... not your wife...if you have no kids together send her packing. If you do, I would suggest a different course of action.

Post deleted by ButterflyNinja

Hi BN:

Sorry to hear of your situation. Do a search on this forum for the carrot and stick of Plan A. It might be a good idea to follow all of the advice given in that thread - both the carrot part and the stick part.



Not M'd then? In that case, who owns the home, under whose name is the Internet service, etc.



To me, that's a definite sign that the A has reached PA status. Also, she could be asking you to do this in order to prevent the transmission of STDs to you. If that's the case, lucky you - some FWWs, including my own, were not so "thoughtful" during their As.



I suspect that you are being played for a fool, and she's gas-lighting you. If she was being honest, she would be more open to sharing what she's doing with you, and certainly not resort to the antics you've described.



Plan A is not plan "doormat". It doesn't sound like she's invested in your relationship at all - you're doing almost everything. It also sounds like you're not "encouraging" her to get more involved. Why are you feeding her pets, for example? Is she physically incapable of doing so? Ask her to help you around the house, and show appreciation when she does so.

And if after doing Plan A for a few weeks she doesn't want to help you, doesn't show interest in your relationship, and continues her secretive WS-like behaviour, then Plan B is the next step.

Thanks MIM.

Plan doormat is definitely how it feels. I hope your spouse didn't transfer any STD's.

But my gf is pretty careful about these things, I can't imagine she would ask for protection because of an STD. I still think it has to do with pregnancy. The thing is, I can't imagine why she would even suggest sex if the A had become physical. We had stopped having sex before the A due to our problems.

Anyways...I should have made a bigger stink about her going...

I think right now she's enjoying the have your cake and eat it too scenario...she gets to have her fantasies and not go through the stress of leaving everything behind.

That's one thing in my favour, she hates drastic changes in her life, they stress her out uncontrollably. :|

The house is in both our names, i paid the down payment and pay for about 75% of the costs at the moment. I do the bookeeping and she pays me back 25% or so at end of each month for all the costs incurred.

I think I need to read more on how to implement a plan A. :P

If i could find a way to find out if she was cheating without actually changing her pc it would help...i just don't trust her and she isnt' doing much to help.

Her passport showed up in the mail last week and when i asked her about it she accused me of "hyperventilating". :P

We had a lot of problems before the A, we argued about things and I worked too much, but i dont think i deserve this. :P

Thanks MIM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank God she didn't. She didn't even think about the possibility of that happening until the A was over and she was disclosing the details to me. When I mentioned that if she'd caught HIV from the OM, the chances would have been very likely that it would have been passed to me, the end result being that our children may have eventually ended up orphans, it was a "wake up" moment for her.

I suggest that you get an STD test, just in case, and avoid unprotected SF with your WW until you're *sure* that the A is over.



In my case, the frequency of our SF might have actually increased a little during her A. WS's don't automatically stop having SF with their S's just because they've started having SF with the OP.



So, start finding ways to stop enabling her fantasy.



Is this based solely on your salaries, or overall contribution? It sounds grossly unfair to me, if you're taking care of 90% of the "housekeeping" activities as you've described. Maybe the first step is to renegotiate her input to the payments. You may also want to seriously reconsider keeping any signficant finances in any joint accounts.



If she's not doing much to help you regain her trust, then she's likely an active WS. And while that WS is inhabiting your W's body, you need to treat her like the untrustworthy character that she is.

BTW - Can you install a keylogger on her PC? That might give you the information that you're looking for.



Sounds like more gas-lighting to me.

BTW - whatever you do, don't agree to move out of your home to "give her space". If that sort of talk comes up, recommend that she moves out as well - and takes the pets with her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Avoid all possibilities of enabling her WS behaviour.

You certainly would not have read that on this site!


NEWSFLASH:::::::: SHE ISN'T BEING HONEST

She can't be trusted

She isn't entitled to blind trust

I may bring this up..i could help snap her back to reality a bit. I don't think she would buy the "affairs are addictive behaviour and can destroy lives" argument, but its worth a try.


I am going to get one AND tell her I am getting one.


Yes, I understand that, i just wish i knew if she had and that email just confuses me.


Yup,its just difficult when she has her own PC and works on a PC all day at her business too...I can't monitor what she's going there at all. You make a very good point though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Well, i get paid more for working the same hours. Both of us deal with politics and stress. When we moved in I saw our incomes as belonging to both of us...so I do the bookeeping to demonstrate that. Maybe I should just start paying 50% now and leave her haning.



No joint account no. I gave her privileges on my cc. Any costs for our household go there. It made bookeeping easy. If it ws a household charge she uses my cc, if its not she uses her own. It is a great system, just not during an A. lol



Yup, thanks again for the reality check. She likley is seeing him still. I just needed someone to tell me that or i would delude myself further.

I guess I could make my needs more clear for her as a test. I just didn't want to ask her to surrender her webcam and digital camera and turn her monitor around so I can see it...it just doens't make me look like a great and desirable spouse...which is the point of plan A I thought. lol


I put one on her desktop in sept which forced her to talk to me again. if i do that and she finds it, she's out the door for good. I removed it the first time to show her i trusted her. I am a damn fool. lol

If i put one on, and she isn't cheating and finds it, I look like the [censored]...its the old reasonable grounds for search clause in law...i can't just search her pc without evidence that she's being unfaithful again...and if i do i am an [censored] too..and look ten times as bad if i come up with zip. :P


I gotta find out what that means. lol


I wont be moving out..i paid for this house...its worth 300 thousand dollars. :P

Thanks again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, there is a lot of advice here to fight for a relationship, simply becuase we didn't marry isnt 'a good enough reason to just walk out on her.


Yes, I need those newsflashes right now..honeslty, thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I will wake up eventually if i keep reading. :P


That is certainly true.



Yup, and i just dont know how to convince her of that without looking like a jerk and drivng her away..but my guess is that you are gonna say if she hears it and leaves then i am better off anyways. :

That's a tough pill to swallow...

You're common law what??? married???? if that's the case... and VERY RARELY IS... then she is your wife and not your GF. Do you file taxes together? Do you hold yourwselves out as H & W to the community? An exceptionally few people are actually common law so do not assume that you are. Find out and be sure... and if you are, she is your wife.
I was in your shoes with the addition of a kid... and let me tell you that a GF is a person that is auditioning for the role of wife... and yours blew the audition. Now you can stay and pretend that she hasn't... but bottom line is, unless you two are married or have children, you should cut and run.
BTW... why haven't you two gotten married after all these years?

Look - that is just complete and utter rubbish. She is not trustworthy and should not be trusted. She is playing you for a fool.

Trust is earned not demanded.

Do you live in one of these states?
Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah

These are the only states that recognize common law marriage AND you must hold yourself out as H & W... things like taxes, names, etc. It has NOTHING to do with how long you have lived together.

Exactly!

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing!

Wow, you guys don't hold back do you? lol

1. I am in Canada. We file taxes separately, since it is cheaper that way.
2. She is on my insurance and benefits at work as CL.
3. Everyone we know understands us to be living together in CL.
4. There have been a lot of things holding us back from marriage, i wont get into them...and this is one of the reasons she went to someone else, she didn't ironically feel enough committment from me.
5. If I treat her like a criminal, she will leave. I know you guys are trying to help, but it does say in Plan A not to be judgemental or angry...even if I am, i have to hold that in..its a love buster.
6. I wont' trust her blindly anymore. I will be discussing this with her tomorrow night after I have made some arrangements in case this backfires. I have to extend her a bit because I can't follow her around all day long. She's dating on the PC and I can't stop her from using a PC...the internet is everywhere. If I turn our relationship into a prison she will leave..i have to find a balance that is healthy for both of us....you guys must understand right? You guys weren't outright vicious with your partners and got somewhere with that were you? I can't imagine that would work.

Thanks guys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

snooping and checking up on her to make sure she is not abusing her is not vicious. If you feel you have no right to check up on her then you are going to be in for a long ride. If she leaves because you are snooping, say bye bye as she exits the door. If you are afraid of her leaving then she has already won the battle and can continue her relationship with inpunity.
How is it being judgemental and angry to check up on her?

Look - this is just total [censored] and a misuse of Plan A.

I don't think return here warrants the required investment. Sorry. Bye.

OK guys, you are playing tough, but its likley warranted. :|

You have given me a lot to think about. I will reply back tomorrow to let you know how she handles the request to break off all communication.

I may end up having to let the jury here decide our fate.