Post deleted by j11j5

Hello!
I am a newlywed myself and new to this forum and by no means an expert, but I am a listener of Dr. Laura. And Dr. Laura says that a man needs to be intimate with his wife to feel close to her and that it is a woman's job to fulfill his needs in that department-whether or not she feels like it. As a wife in love with my husband, I know that I am more than willing whenever he wants- even when I'm tired.
If your wife has issues with sex, she needs to get over them and take care of her responsibilites to you. My husband took Dr. Laura's Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage with him today- or I'd look it up for you- but I know there are several cases in the book such as yours. I would suggest your wife and you read the book together.
Good luck

Women usually need intimacy for hours and hours in order to feel inclined toward sex, but they also need help with whatever is tiring them out so that they have energy left for sex.

Despite all the information you hear in our culture, sex is physically exhausting for many women, even if they just lay there and appear to be doing nothing - they are bearing the weight of your body (regardless of the position you choose), and a huge emotional weight as you move past all of their physical/emotional barriers and right into their very bodies! Perhaps it is difficult for a man to imagine, but at least understand that sex is much more of a big deal to most women than to most men.

Many women get "in the mood" over the strangest things (to men). Many say that one of the sexiest things their husbands can do is to encourage them to have a relaxing bubble bath while he does the dishes and cleans the house. Most women need to feel relaxed in order to enjoy sex. Also, they need to know that the sex itself will be enjoyable for them, too. That means, it needs to involve an orgasm for her, and NOTHING that he wants that is uncomfortable for her! You need to never, never ask her to do anything that she seems reluctant to do, sexually, or you are turning the whole experience into something for her to dread.

I disagree with Dr. Laura. One of the very WORST things you can do to your sex life is for either of you to have sex when you don't want to. It damages trust, and turns your sexual life into something other than intimacy and love-making. It makes it about getting off, rather than connecting, and you don't want your wife to EVER feel that she is just a thing to be used for your physical gratification! No, no, no! That may be the kiss of death to your happy sex life!

See Dr. Harley's site:

Meeting the Need for Sexual Fulfillment: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

Changing a Willingness to Make Love into a Desire to Make Love: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

Hopefully that will get you started. Remember, she is very, very different than you are - physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. If her needs are met, she will want you sexually. Remember that - If her needs are met, she will want you sexually.

Do what you can to learn what she needs, or even to help her to figure out what she need, if she isn't sure.

Check here for the Emotional Needs questionnaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

And here for the Love Busters questionnaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html

Best of luck. Whatever you do, don't try to get her to have sex with you until she is ready and willing, at least, and preferably not until she really wants to!

j11j5 - I'd show ablocke's post to your wife. Actually, better to show her this whole page so that she has the background. Leave her alone with it, and tell her that you are willing to hear whatever she has to say about it.

She might be angry that you aired your dirty laundry in public. She might completely disagree with your perspective. Or she might be very glad to have it out in the open. Whatever her response, it will bring greater openness and honesty into your marriage, and it will open up this discussion.

ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE:

My husband read this thread and wondered whether you (and your wife) might not know how to make sure she has an orgasm every time. Apparently, this is really common, so I'll write it here for whoever is reading this thread and has that concern, even if it's not a concern for you. There are lots of good books on the market, but the best suggestion is to go to your doctor and ask. If that's too weird for you, she can go to a women's centre and ask someone there. You can even try the eHow.com site: http://www.ehow.com Type in "orgasm" in the search line and you'll get a good variety of topics.

Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable. Sex is so important to a happy, healthy marriage, and female orgasm is not as easy to achieve as it is for men. But if you think about it, how often would you men want to have sex if you rarely or never had an orgasm? Pretty frustrating.

The big O isn't the problem...I don't know what is...

Thanks for the book suggestions...I need to keep talking to her and make sure that she feel as good about herself as she can...I've just been frustated with this touchy issue.


Thanks

j11j5