ive been married for 4 years now, and have a baby whos 3, were still young (22 and 24) work normal jobs and all. she works at a hospital as an administative asst. the past few months ive noticed things have changed quite a bit, we fight all the time, and dont ever see each other. i found out she was having an affair with a BLACK doctor, which makes me absolutely furious!!! ive been lied to so much its ridiculous! she put an order of protection on me, which was so she could secretely spend time w/ him! Hes married also. now that ive found out she apologizes and says she is sorry, but im still revealing lie after lie. her place of work is so twisted, they turn her against me day after day! i told her shes gotta leave her job to have a chance with me! and thats the end of it. shes been having an affair w/ him for 3 months. WHAT SHOULD I DO? how do you build trust in someone again? SHOULD I CONFRONT THE OTHER MANS WIFE? NEED ADVICE FROM OUTSIDERS!!!!

Hopefully some of the more experienced people will see this and help you out.

What you need to do is read up on this site and get yourself together. You need a PLAN.

Exposure to everyone and anyone is the first step. You need to expose this to everyone you can that is close to her, especially at work.

Hopefully others will chime in with more...I'm new and going through something very similar. My wife cheated on me the first of the year and has been emotionally involved since early Dec. I just found out the affair wasn't over and she cheated on me again on Valentines Day of all days. I was told it was over after I found out the first time, but obviously not.

Erik,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm so sorry that you have found your way here through the current circumstances, but it is a very good place to be if you want to save your marriage.

I would modify what Vince has said somewhat. Exposure is one of the first steps, but the first step should be to be sure you have read all of the basic concepts and have a pretty goo idea of what they are saying. Also, read the top few posts on this forum (the ones pinned to the top of the board). They will give you an overview of the terms, abbreviations and ideas you will be dealing with. I also suggest that you read the Q&A columns on infidelity and anything else that it leads you to.

Consider buying or getting from the library a copy of "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. You can find it on this site or many other places, though the price is good here. Also consider calling Steve Harley to speak with him. As Vince has said, you need a PLAN and what you need to start is what is called Plan A. You can search for it on the forums. I'll try to find a couple of things to bump for you so they appear in the active list.

So that you have a good idea of what to expect and the sequence that will likely occur, take a look at the thread by a guy called dogfood. It is currently active and has all of things you can expect crammed into a really compact time-frame.

Be sure that you are eating and sleeping to care for your own health. It will be up to you to be sure you are protecting that little one. I know how hard it is when it hits the fan...been there...done that...got the scars to prove it.

If you don't get much traffic here, consider moving your story to the GQII forum as there is many times the traffic there.


Hang tuff and hang on because it's going to get bumpy...

Mark

First of all -- I am sorry that you have been betrayed. That said, I am thinking that maybe you need to step back a moment and BREATHE! Seems to me that you are having a major problem with the interracial thing. You say you've been lied to "so much its ridiculous" -- can you explain?

You also say she got an order of protection on you -- people don't get those without reason -- so let's talk for a moment about what you may be doing that is making her act the way that she is?

You say that "her place of work is so twisted" and that they turn her against you -- What do you mean by this?

It sounds to me like you need some serious counseling. NOW!

It is absolutely essential that you contact the OM's wife at once. By not doing this you are sending a message to the OM that it is acceptable to continue to screw your wife and that there are no consequences to their actions. Expose to the OM's wife immediately.

thanks for your response, i appreciate feedback on anything. i hope you like to read, i thought we had a good relationship, but things started getting edgy in november, she tells me that the man kept on and on, and he told her"what she wanted to hear" which sounds like b.s. to me. i have a big problem with interracial, its just not right in my eyes, ive revealed so many lies after lies, she swore to the lord on our son she wasnt cheatn until i busted her out, thats just not right, shes had the man in our bed, at his private office, even at the hospital itself! that makes me sick!!!! how do u get over this! how do u rebuild trust? it seems when she goes back to work and comes home shes a different person again, and again, and again,. i dont like roller coaster rides. she has talked so much bad things about me to them and her family, they all think im the bad person, that is until i busted her out, then i made her tell her family, b/c im tired of everyone thinking im the bad person. ive got conversations where she just has completely belittled me and told everyone she doesnt want to be with me, and is tryin to get out, but when i found out, then she says she just wants to be with me, and shes sorry. what am i suppose to believe? i went to her work the other day and kept my cool so i wouldnt get in trouble, but i wanted the man to know i knew about it. then the next day, she gets me banned b/c i sent her a b.s. text message. she went and showed the boss and got me banned!! After all this has happened and we were suppose to be back together!! she came home that night to pack her things, and i helped her and loaded everything, but when i went to leave w/ some friends ashe wouldnt let me, and cryed and said she wanted me back! (SHES NUTS) i told her i cant have her working there nemore, b/c she acts diff towards me everyday. i hate to make her quit her job, but i feel that is the problem in our relationship! how should i go about everything? i am gonna get counseling. WHAT SHOULD I DO IN THE MEANTIME????

It likely is b.s. Your W is now a WW, and that means it would be best if you believe little of what you hear from her.



Your bigotry will likely be used against you by your WW. What proof do you have of the A? You will likely need this if you expose it to the OMW and her workplace, as you should.



You can get over it. The rebuilding of trust however depends primarily on her actions, not on you. And right now she's demonstrating that she's not trustworthy.



How did you "make her tell her family"? Well, at the very least you've got someone to corroborate your story when you expose her A to the OMW and her workplace, I guess...

You can't or shouldn't **make** her quit her job. Instead, I suggest that you read up here about Plan A and Plan B. Plan B is likely what you'll need to do if she continues to work with the OM.

You should seriously consider exposing the A to the OMW and to her workplace though, and do it soon as you have enough evidence to back up your story (because, bet your life, the OM and your WW will have stories of their own). Contact the HR dept and ask them what their policy is regarding affairs between employees.

My friend you judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your wife's actions speak volumes. She continued to screw the OM behind your back and put your health at great risk for STD's. She even brought the OM into your home and your marital bad and screwed him in it. This was a clear message to you that she has nothing but distain and contempt for you and your marriage. Your home and bed is at least the one place that shoud be untouchable.

She continue to see him, bad mouths you to everyone and now has you banned from the office and then tells you she does not want to leave you? What is wrong with this picture? She is playing you for a total fool. She does not want to be alone and is using you. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to realize this. How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? She screwed him in your bed in your home. What more is there to say? Her words are meaningless and her actions speak volumes. Get an attorney, see the OM's wife and move on. Enough is enough.