eav1967

Yes, I have been in Plan A for 1 ½ years but this is a modified Plan A in that she is living with OM and is out of town. Please keep in mind that I’m a man and apparently it is reasonable for a BS man to stay in plan A a long time. Although I believe my WW affaire will die a natural death, it may be after I throw in the towel because of the emotional pain this is causing me. She is pushing for a divorce and I am basically waiting and learning and taking care of myself.

DLK21

DLK21 & eav1967,

I'm sorry about the state of your M but Plan A for 1 1/2 years seems too long whether you are an H or W. What do you guys think continue Plan A would achieve after this long period? I’m not bashing but I like to hear your perspective on this.

I don’t know how you guys do it but I found Plan A to be the harder of the two plans. I was in Plan A for about 2 months before WW moved out of our home which was a good thing because it pushed me into Plan B about a week or two after that. I feel Plan B did me a lot of good (mentally and physically) since it get me away from thinking about WW and her affair; it helps me grow to be a better person to myself and my children. I know this may go against the thinking of GQII, I’m leaning toward Plan D once 9 months is here during my Plan B. I just can’t stay in my M where I’m the only one trying to make it work and nine months are more than I could give; at least that’s my thinking right now.

MikeTC,

Your situation is much stronger than ours. Your children make your WW’s return very likely because it is so much more of a logical choice for her and affaires do die a natural death. Plan B for me is just not the most likely approach and so I try to care her back in a modified Plan A. My odes are not good but this is my wife, my marriage and relationship we are talking about. I have a lot invested in our happiness. Dr Harley believes that most A die a natural death as in this case with Shattered but also as in the case of vanasvegen and there must be many more. I’m waiting for the fog to clear. Plan B is just not right because we have too little to tie down our relationship, a focus point.

This is very hard. But then she has moved out and we have very little contact. She is not love busting with her affaire under our roof.

Take care,

DLK21

Hi All,

Just wanted to respond to a few things. Eav, I did not Plan B. At first I was afraid because it seemed counterintuitive. Then I just felt like it would be too much of a hassle. Being on friendly terms made it easy to parent our son. We were both very flexible with our wants and needs as far as seeing him. We always got along well and remained friendly. I think this was a mistake. My boundaries were not clear and this left him believing he always had one foot in the door. He did, up until a certain point. I'm not a person that is going to rant and rave and point out things each time you disrespect me or cross a boundary, but I take mental note. This builds up inside and without even realizing it, you pass a point of no return. I saw all the subtle things he did that let me know I was not important to him. I was watching these while he was busy eating cake. It came as a complete shock to him that I won't take him back. All I can think is "Where the frig have you been buddy? Remember? You divorced me over a year ago." I even told him over the past few months, I think someone has a crush on me. This one and that one wants me to go out with them. He never thought I would do it. Most importantly, he kept taking that chance. Apparently, it was a risk he wanted to take. He grossly underestimated me.

Now he is calling people to call me and try to talk me into taking him back. He told me he spent 3 hours at the book store reading about affairs and he thinks this will just make us stronger. He never read anything I gave him. He just chucked it in the back of his truck. He is a day late and a dollar short. He is now doing what I did when he left. The five stages of grief . . . . Right now he is in denial.

DLK, Steve is guiding you and his advice makes sense. You wife will remember your kindness someday.

Eav, hang in there. I bet your turn is right around the corner.

Hey Shattered Dreams, Cha Cha and Hope! Good to hear from you. SD, how is life treating you these days? Has that wife of yours learned to appreciate you yet? Cha Cha, I hope he cherishes you like you deserve, and Hope, I know you will be fine no matter which way this goes. Either you will get back with your wife or you will sail into the sun set with a new love. The choice is yours. Best of luck to all of you.

Since you asked...it has been a long and rocky recovery, but the good days are starting to outnumber the bad ones. Now, not all days are either good or bad, many are just pretty ordinary days, which is good. But every so often my FWW's sense of entitlement rears it's ugly head. I really did try for the longest time to deal with it ala Plan A, but my points were always drowned out by the Takers in my wife's brain.

She just never got it!

So, I changed tactics, began a Shattered Dreams self-styled approach of Brutal Honesty and Openness so far as her fits of self entitlement were concerned, and we had some yell like he//, down and dirty knockdowns. More Love Busters than Egypt has cats! Finally I reached the point where I simply didn't really care what the fallout was, because if she never "gets it" nothing changes.

So, I finally got through to her that I was not going to remain in a marriage with a woman that's had 3 EA's, 1 PA, and still didn't want to engage in SF with her husband. It was that particular conversation that she finally began to "get it".

So, as of today, she's more physical, less demanding, less offended when she doesn't get her princess way, and life is beginning to look better. I have now resumed the "lifetime" version of Plan A, and those deposits are finally paying off. I've had more good SF the past few weeks than I've had in years.

Aren't you sorry you asked? LOL! You sound terrific, by the way. Sounds like you found an inner strength that looks very good on you from the outside. And that's a good thing. As I posted before, be wary of your ex's actions, and journal everything until he settles down and catches a headful of reality...for your own protection.

Wishing you well!
SD

Shattered Dreams, Wow! Good for you! I am so glad you are finally getting your needs met. Interpersonal relationships are fascinating, aren't they? Interestingly, I find that if I had wanted ex back, I would have settled long ago and I don't think I would have placed my needs to be met on the table. I believe I would have settled for crumbs. Luckily, enough time went by that settling was out of the question. But now I see the lengths he would have gone to. This is extremely important to remember. If someone wants you bad enough, they will compromise and they won't let go easily. My point is, don't be afraid to just put it all out there on the table, no matter how ugly it is. Holding back is not a way to live your life. SD, you have always come across as a sensitive, intuitive man. I hope your wife sees you as others do. If she did, she will give you what you need.

Shattered05...thank you for the kind words. I think sometimes the BS it put in a position to "settle" for a lot of things that are sort of beyond their control. You are right, a BS should not settle for some things over which they DO have some control. Nearly 4 years of "encouraging" my FWW to engage in the marriage was the toughest thing I've ever been through. I imagine had we divorced, I would feel the same way about that experience.

Thanks again for your kind remarks...it's always comforting to get a pat on the back, especially when you believe that what you have been striving for is the right thing.

You will be a great catch for whomever you choose to hook up with in the future, should you choose to do so. I wish you continued strength, and happiness to boot!

SD