Hey guys, this is an email I just received from my WH....tell me what you think-

I know right now you could care less about how i feel or what i am thinking. I didnt call after i got back from the morgue, one because i had to take this guys death certificate all over creation, but also because i need to think about things. Your right..since sept i havent been there for this marriage. Financially yes, emotionally no and i do not know why. I do like what im doing here and i feel like i am a part of something. Is it right/wrong..i dont know. I do feel like i am being pushed into doing something im not ready to do and the more it is brought up and fussed about the further i tend to push away. Im not doing anything wrong here, im just working. I get so wrapped up in what i do here, sometimes i wonder why everyone else isnt back in the states. I havent blamed you for anything, on the contrary when i talk to brian or carl i always tell them that you are a good woman and a good wife.I will call you tomorrow probably in the after noon my time. I have a class at 1800 for an hour or so and i have to go with the military to get supplies out of our containers around 1300. ill wait till you get up and we will talk about all of this. i will call from the hootch so i dont have to worry about anyone listening in.

Ill talk to you then.

Well, Hoping, it almost sounds like fog speak. I say this because he is giving excuses.



This is what stood out to me the most as indication of fog speak. If he wasn't ready for it, why did he get married in the first place? He likes it out there because he feels he doesn't have to answer to you. He is "on his own", so to speak. I wish I knew WHAT to tell you your next step should be, but I've never been in your exact position. How had things been before this email? Any better? This guy who died, was it someone close to him or just an errand for your H? Hopefully someone with more experience on the issues presented will come by soon.

Hey Tigger-thanks for responding..I agree, why did he get married if he was "not ready". But I guess that would explain why he left 6 weeks after we got married. This person who was killed was a patient. Not a friend of his.

"I get so wrapped up in what i do here, sometimes i wonder why everyone else isnt back in the states."

I know that he is speaking the truth here. I work with lots of people who just got back from there, and that is how it is.

For my lieutenant who is 26 and didn't particularly want to go, it was a life changing experience.

It also sounds like he doesn't feel supported by you.

How are you doing on working on your issues?

I am making a lot of progress with my issues. But how can I support him if he is not willing to do ANYTHING to make this marriage work?

Hoping,

I registered a month after you and I can relate to you. My situation is a bit different. I am with WH overseas, but he travels ALL the time so we are apart quite often.

I just want you to know that I am following your threads and rooting for you.

T&H

Thank you TAH...I really appreciate that...I will look for your thread and read up on your sitch....Hope you are doing ok.

H68,

I have dissected his e-mail..... please bear with me. Just to let you know what your WS wrote bears some similarities to what I heard from my WS.


Orchid: Ok, fairly honest statement.


Orchid: Another fairly honest statement but no revelations at this point. Acknowledge his response but do not water it down. Acknowledge his statement, then ask how he plans to rectify it. Know that he may not know how but don't press pass this point. He needs time to ponder why he doesn't know how. Be patient.


Orchid: Ask him if this is a new reaction that he pushes away things he needs to fix. Don't press for an answer if he says he doesn't know. Again, he needs to ponder. Be patient.


Orchid: Acknowledge he is busy and so are you. He doesn't get points for NOT doing anything wrong. He only gets 'points' for fixing and doing things correctly.


Orchid: Well you're gonna have to bite your tongue on this one but don't ignore it. Thank him for the positive things but then remind him that at some point, he has painted you bad to someone..... then leave it be....he needs time to ponder. Make your statement and be patient.


Orchid: Say ok and be patient.

Basically you want to acknowledge and give him enough to ponder. Then be patient and wait for him to respond. This may take a while. Mine would literally take 5 - 10 days to give a response even to simple questions. Something about the fog delays their response mechanism.

take care,
L.

My WH is wanting to seperate and discuss logistics of it..ie, car, rent, etc etc

If you haven't had the talk yet, I would recommend that you just LISTEN and say: "I'll get back to you on my position"...IF he does want to have the SEPARATION TALK...don't go along with anything...before sharing with US...

Hey...he told me that he wants a "separation period"...he wants to "think things over" and "figure things out". He didn't press the issue of getting it in writing. He just said that he would continue to pay what he has been paying for. He did not say how long this would be. He did say that it is NOT because he wants to "see other people". I really did not respond to much of what he said. Then he had to go to see a patient. That was pretty much the jist of it.

Anyone?

I'm kind of joking and being sarcastic, OK? What's that supposed to mean? You guys are already SEPARATED...so he's already had lots of time to think and figure things out...

I THINK IT'S BULLCRAP and he wants you to go along with it.

My opinion: If you want the marriage, tell him you are not AGREEABLE to a separation period. BE ADAMANT about this. "Separation does not help marital problems...no need for a time to think this out, etc." If he decides to proceed anyways, then PLAN B.



This is ALSO bullcrap. He does want to see the OW..try things out with her and having you waiting around as an option.

STANDARD CAKE-EATING BULLCRAP....

YUCK!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Oh, that's a bunch of horse poop, dog poop....and I can tell you a story about dog poop and the A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Let him know you know he is babbling. Let him know you prefer to speak to someone who isn't babbling but can hold an intelligent conversation that makes sense and shows progress.

Dumb WS'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

ok, well if I tell him that I will not go along w/ it and I am not agreeable to it, he will do it anyway. I know him-He will buck whatever I say-So now what? Can I Plan B him if I am still financially dependant on him? He told me that he "feels pressured into doing something that he is not ready to do...ie, come home, etc etc....He said that this M is not a priority right now.

So in other words, he won't be pressured by pressuring you?

Respond back - I won't be pressured either - then send Plan B letter. Legally he can't force separation on you without lawyers - which are not readily available in his part of the world.

But can I Plan B if I am still financially dependant on him?

Let him proceed on his own without your approval or assistance. "I don't agree with a separation but if you want to proceed with it that's your choice." Let him pay for it, etc. Remember, legally, he will owe you SPOUSAL SUPPORT in the state of NC..since he makes more money than you do. I would inform of this. "If you pursue separation, I would be legally due SPOUSAL SUPPORT."...



Would say: "Sorry you feel that way..."

Bottom line, Hoping, it's all on him..make it into HIS STRUGGLE...

Make sure not to put ANY PRESSURE on him so it has to be all about HIS CHOICES...

Be noncommital, apathetic, cool....

Hey Mimi-he knows that I would be entitled to 50% of his earnings but I told him that that is not what I want-Yes, I do need financial help right now until I get on my feet but I am not going to sue him for 1/2 his salary right now-I did tell him that I did not want to separate and told him he needs to do what he needs to do-I told him he can contact an attorney-I have been advised to just leave him alone right now-not ignore him but just to leave him alone, get financially independant, and then reevaluate and go from there. I am going to be "breezy". I desparately want to start feeling stronger. I think that will make all the difference in the world to me. On the flip side of that, I have come a long way since last November, if I do say so my d**n self.

Oh yea, I forgot to tell ya'll...just last week he bought a new car (actually I did but I am his POA but it was his suggestion) so I can drive it to save gas/money...and then for V-day, he bought me a very expensive gift..and now he wants to separate? WTF?