I posted this message in the “emotional needs” section and it was suggested that I repost this message here. Sorry for the double post.

Here is a little more information about me. I have been married for almost 7 years and have been in a relationship with my wife for almost 13 years. We have no kids and I am 32 years old. We that said here is my story…

...I am not “in love” with you. Sound familiar? It does too me but this is where my story ends. The question I’ve been asking myself is how did we get to this point? I guess I am posting my story because I am looking for support and/or advice. I’ve read a lot of the articles here and there is a lot of good advice. I guess I am looking to hear some advice from my “peers.”

Who am I? I have been married for almost 7 years and we have been together for almost 13 years. Over the past 13 years we’ve had our ups and downs but for the past 3 months we’ve hit a new low. My wife claims we have been having trouble for a lot longer then that but in my eyes everything changed three months ago.

I use to travel a lot for work and I now realize that put a lot of strain on our marriage. My wife was at home and had certain expectations of how I should act when I returned home from a trip. She expected me to “sweep her off her feet” and make “long passionate love” to her right when I walked in the door. I was tried from traveling; I was usually cranky and suffering from jet lag… I have a million other excuses but the end result is I didn’t meet her emotional/physical needs then and I didn’t know it. In her defense she did try telling me what she was feeling but it just didn’t click until it was too late.

Well three months ago she started hanging out with a new circle of friends. Most of these people are single or divorced. She started telling them that she was divorced. I have never met these people and she goes out of her way to keep them from me. All I know are their names. She started going out with these people once a week… which turned into twice a week… which then turned into three times a week. She started coming home at all hours of the night. Usually she would come home around 5 am the next day. To say the least she was living the “single life” but she just didn’t tell me she was single. I quickly suspected an affair which was kind of confirmed later. I still don’t know the full story. I know she had an emotional affair and possibly had a physical affair.

I guess that is what she had to do to show me something was wrong in our marriage. I started going to therapy and hoped she would join me. That didn’t happen. I still go to therapy but she refuses to go. We have gotten into several arguments over her new friends and how much she goes out. Sometimes she will breakdown and agree to go to therapy but she never follows through with it. She has told me she still loves me but is not “in love” with me. She has also mentioned several times that she still wants to be married to me. She claims that she is going through some things but can’t explain it.

I have tried to be there for her and I have tried to be supportive but I am starting to loose the will to flight for her love. I’ve tried to show her how much she means to me but it has gone nowhere. Our sex life ended just like the Dodo bird – completely extinct! I have tried to have sex with her on multiple occasions but she wants nothing to do with me. I’ve tried to be more romantic (even though she claims that was never an issue) but that goes nowhere.

So with all that, here is my question to you. How long does one keep trying until you say enough is enough and it is time to give up on the marriage? I realize I can’t force her to love me. I can offer her the World but if she is not willing to accept it then there is nothing I can do. I am at my wits end. I don’t want to give up on her or our marriage but she doesn’t seem willing to try anymore. Is there anything I can do?

Thanks for listening!

Buddy

We don't really know if you will be able to recover your marriage. We can't really know that.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Don't LB, Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have him like you, and reconcile with you if you avoid LB's.

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that weekends, especially Holiday ones are slow, don't be worried if you don't get quick responses to questions.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and H if he will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

Hope this helps.

SS

Buddy,

I don't know if you have read the basic concepts yet or not, but the first thing you need to do is abandon the idea that love "happens" and is a magical sort of thing. If you understand the basic concepts of Dr Harley, you will realize that love is something that can be "built." As a result, while you cannot "make" your wife love you, you can make deposits in her Love Bank (LB$)and avoid depleting that balance by avoiding Love Busters (LBs). It isn't so much magic as it is science.

Trust me; it does work!

That is not to say that your M can be saved at this point, but if you follow the concepts on this site, you stand a much better chance than fighting and arguing about it with her will accomplish.

As SS has said..."Read, read, read." There is so much that this site has to offer including the help you can receive from this forum, but it is all based on the basic concepts.

What you W has said is the trade mark line of someone involved in an affair. Read the spying101 thread. I'll try to find it and bump it to the active topics for you.

So...Read, read, read, read...then ask specific questions.

Remember that your situation is NOT as unique as it feels right now.

Mark

Thanks SS and Mark for the advice and comments. I really appreciate it! I’ve done a lot of reading and am planning on doing a lot more. I know I have a lot road ahead and hope it has a happy ending. I don’t wish the pain and suffering that I am going through on anyone but it is nice to know that I am not alone.

Take care everyone!

Buddy

Your wife is showing the classic signs of an affair. While you continue to plan A her, SNOOP. Check her cell phone, monitor her computer e-mail. Get a recorder to put in her car. Once you have your proof, confront your wife and expose the affair. If you expose without proof, she will deny everything because she knows that you don't know. Do not feel guilty about snooping. This is war!

Thanks for the advice Bend,

I have done a lot of snooping already and she did admit to “kissing” a guy but stopped it right away. Part of me believes that is all that happened and part of me believes there was more. I know she is having an emotional affair based on her text messages from her phone. That is her main mode of communication with this group of people. What is strange about all this is that she has become addicted to text messaging. It has really taken over her life. Four months ago she averaged about 10 text messages a month. For the past three months she has averaged 3,000 (+) text messages a month. I have read several articles on emotional affairs and she has all the classic symptoms.

She doesn’t feel that she is having an emotional affair – mainly because she doesn’t understand what that is. I didn’t either until I started reading about affairs. So it is hard for her to end the affair because in her mind she doesn’t view what she is doing as an affair. She refuses to go to counseling and puts all the pressure on me. I feel like I am in a no win situation.

One way or the other I know I will get through all this – it will just take time.

Thanks again for your suggestions and for listening!

Take care everyone!

Buddy

The fact that there is no s/f between you and your ww, and that she is staying out till 5 am, strongly indicates that the EA has become a PA. One doesn't need to stay out all night long just to "kiss" someone. Have a friend or a PI follow her. Continue to snoop.

PS..My FWW was home every night, but was seeing the OM on her days off while I was working.