[color:"blue"] keep your money
this will never happen again

even if H fell 'off the fidelity wagon'

I've given quite a lot of thought over the 11 years of recovery ... "what would I do if ??"

and since you are a FWH committed to your M, I thought I'd share with you my decision (after years of consideration)

there would be no drama
no dance of rage
no Plan A
no Plan B
no Plan FU

there would be a careful
quiet
stealth
preparation of divorce proceedings

and I would walk away with my head high
and no regrets

I would leave the M
I would not discuss reconciliation

I would leave both of us our dignity

that's it[/color]

Pep

egg zak lee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I would do the same.

Pep:

On Chrisner's thread there is talk of a wood chipper..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

THAT can quickly dispose of a Christmas Tree! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But your response to a new incident of infidelity?

The exact same response I expect Mrs LG will have.

WE have learned to much, and come so far, to allow that to happen again.....

[color:"red"]EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

if H had another A, I'd know he'd also decided to leave the M ... I'd just get it over with and not drag things out

Pep

If my lovely H fell off the infidelity wagon I too would go directly to Plan D. And, as I've said before here on MB, if for some reason I even were to consider Plan A I ask that some kind soul on MB just shoot me, OK?

Okay, so what if your FWS weren't 2 fall off the fidelity wagon by having another A (even specifically saying so), but insisted after 5 years since d-day, that they don't want 2 be married in the sense we talk about here, and that they want 2 be able 2 have friends of the opposite sex, even if that friend is their former A partner?

Like mine said 2night.

Oh, and some time ago she put a pic2re on her bulletin board that was taken around when the A started 16 or so years ago, that shows several coworkers standing outside their field lab - including, you guessed it, Rat Meat.

I saw this pic2re maybe a few weeks ago. It may or may not have been there for a while before I noticed it.

See, my problem is that, even without infidelity looming again, we still haven't really recovered our marriage. (How can we, if she insists she doesn't want a marriage?)

And 2 make matters "worse", I don't want it either.

I'm worn out. I'm not angry, though I do have 2 be careful and not raise my voice because she wanted 2 talk - I just don't see anything productive 2 talk about.

I had thought, over the past few months or so, of asking her if she would be willing 2 participate in coaching with the Harleys if I paid for it. I haven't ac2ally asked that 2uestion, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want 2. And I long ago realized that coaching or doing anything 2 unilaterally save a marriage that the FWS still insists she doesn't want after 5 years since d-day, is just a waste of time and money.

-ol' 2long

If my spouse didn't want to be married, in a true sense, and insisted on staying "friends" with the OM, then I would take a pass and give him what he wants: NO MARRIAGE. I wouldn't be interested in staying in such a marriage. I betcha Dr. Harley would tell you to divorce her.

But you have to decide what you can or can't tolerate, 2Long. Maybe you can be happy with such a set up; I couldn't.

2long, man .. your situation doesn't sound good, it actually sounds very depressing. I guess you might feel like "Ol' Mr Standby" eh? Your wife skips and romps and you'll always be there..Ol'Faithful..Ol' MR Security ..pining for her..pining for your marriage..

She actually told you that she doesn't want to be married anymore? At all?

Doesn't sound like much of a marriage, sounds like slavery.

Oh hey..

No, she doesn't necessarily want a DV, just not a real marriage (in my view).

2day is the day when my SIL is supposed 2 open escrow on the house we own that she's been living in but not paying rent on time. We all met with a mediator 3 weeks ago and agreed on the terms. But there hasn't been a peep since.

And my MIL unceremoniously re2rned my D's wedding album that my D gave her for Xmas a few days after the mediation, when all seemed 2 be going fine. My D was crushed by her grandmother doing that 2 her.

So, my W is very hurt that her sister and mom are treating her like this (they're treating US like this), and so some of the recent "upheaval" is understandable.

But the pic on her bulletin board, no ILYs in over 4 years, no real intimacy in months...

I want a conventional marriage. I don't want this crap anymore.

-ol' 2long

2Long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I don't blame you at all. You have tried for years.

2long,
Looks like the consensus is that plan A and plan B is so good that hardly any would do it again...

I can't think of much in my life that I view as a success that I would say I would NOT do again......

So we are teaching people on here things that we won't do ourselves again?

Interesting.....


True love isn't work. It's fun and easy.
I don't blame those who wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't do it the first time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Some day I hope you get it 2long. I have my doubts.

(said in radical honesty)

2long:

I can get you a wood chipper for $62K, Are you in? LOL

Seriously?

Time to curb kick. or Plan B as a minimum. You may have tried in the past, I don't know.

No reason for you to be in stand-by status.

But the pic on her bulletin board, no ILYs in over 4 years, no real intimacy in months...

Nothing will get better by it self.

SHE can fall back in love. But it's her choice, and she has made a different one.

IMHO.

As usual you don't get it because you haven't the slightest notion about MB principles and, as such, miss the point by a mile. But, that is to be expected with a troll. <radical honesty, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />>

It has nothing to do with the "effectiveness" of Plan A or Plan B, but rather, a DESIRE to save the marriage. Not all folks DESIRE to save their marriages after an affair. I did stick around the first time, but would not stick around for a repeat.

Plan A and Plan B are for folks who CHOOSE to save their marriage. got it?

I said the same thing the first time ... but then I did stay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (AND it WORKED) ... my kids were little then ... no longer little, they're bigish

Pep

I can say, in all radical honesty, that I haven't the vaguest clue what you just said.

-ol' 2long

As for desires 2 save my marriage.

Of course I desire 2 save it. But I don't think it's healthy for me 2 want 2 save it after all this time and all the floaters under the bridge.

She called me for no necessary reason. Just like 4 and 5 years ago, or even 2 and 3 years ago... All sweet and [censored].

She tells me she doesn't want 2 have the fights we used 2 have.

That's one breath.

A 2ple days ago, she said she heard that getting angry and yelling is a good release. I agreed, except 2 point out that it's only good if you're yelling at a rock face or a tree. Not even the cats deserve the venom.

She can dish it out, but she can't take it.

-ol' 2long

(((2)))

loving detachment.

while you decide.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, as you know.

We've definitely got 2 get through this 2nd house issue with the SIL first.

Heck, I think I'm going 2 send her an email offering 2 pay for coaching if she'll participate. I don't expect she'll take me up on the offer, but who knows?

Remember me saying - gosh, I've probably been saying this for 3 years now! - that I enjoy myself when she's not home? This past intersession at her college, she worked until 9pm 3 nights a week. I had the most peaceful evenings those nights.

She teaches 2 nights/week this quarter. Starting 2night. I'll probably be in bed by the time she gets home, as I woke up at 4am this morning and couldn't get back 2 sleep.

-ol' 2long

-ol' 2long

I remember what brought wifey back to the table the last time ... do you?

Pep

I don't remember what I had for dinner 3 days ago!

What?

-ol' 2long