I told my FWH exactly what would happen if he ever had another A.

I told him I would walk away, and he could have everything. I wanted nothing. He could deal with the bills, the mess, the divorce filing, all of it. Of course, he and his OW would have to pack up all of my sh*t and do something with it too.

And he could NEVER contact me again - in any way, shape, or form. Not through his daughters, his parents, my parents, or any other way.

In essence, that another affair would kill me, and that he would then have to deal with the fallout as such - as though I were dead to him. And that would include cleaning out my stuff, and never being able to utter another word to me.

He understood this completely. And was pretty much freaked out by it. I've never totally cut off anyone in my life before, nor been unforgiving - and I told him he would NEVER be forgiven.

I know this sounds crazy, but there's not one single THING in this house that I want. Just a relationship with him. Everything else is just "stuff", and I can replace it, or my daughters can have it. I really don't care about it.

I can make money and get more stuff tomorrow if I want it.

But I can't get another "him".

SB

Her question seems fair. She's probably not a mindreader, so you may have to spell it out for her.




Maybe those communication classes would be just the right sort of "neutral ground" to actually give her your reasons why YOU think it might be helpful. Things that don't change, die, right?


It seems obvious to me from your "tone" that you are more than "tired," you seem to be resigned and waiting for the "inevitable." You can certainly do that, but 2Long, what is it about THIS disagreement with what you believe that has turned you into a nonconfrontational "pussycat?" This is NOT like you, at least from my personal experience with taking an "opposing opinion" with you. So WHY, other than the waiting on the 2nd house to sell, are you choosing the "do nothing" route on this conflict of opinions?

I'd be tempted to say that it's just fear of being divorced, or fear of not having the "old comfortable shoe of the marital state," but I think there is more to it than that. YOU believe in marital fidelity. She did not, and still may not. I GET the balancing of carreers and all that, but this seems more like a "marriage of convenience" and not what you really envision a loving marriage should be.

So what can we do to help, other than just provide an empathetic ear?

Is there anything we can say to your wife? Is there anyone who has "influence" with her who could say something to her?

I know you'll probably shoot me for this one, but please forgive me because it's based in a sincere desire to try to help. Is there anything outside of herself that your wife would look to for guidance? You know me and faith, but does she have a "faith" in anything that might help in your situation?

Hate to see you hurting Doc no matter what.

schoolbus:

I can certainly understand that. My W has often said in the past 5 years that she would just as soon run away and let me have everything. Pep's "F.E.A.R." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I, on the other hand, can't conceive of doing that. When we bought our house as a foreclosure 10 years ago, we paid a fair chunk below fair market value for it. The first will be paid off in something like 8 years, and it's currently worth something like 6 times what we paid for it.

I could retire early, if I moved out of LA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Perhaps, but it was presented as a flaming DJ when she first suggested it. The IC suggestion is still a DJ.


Not a bad suggestion. I'll consider it.


Well, I've been a CA for sure, but not in the past year or so. And right now, getting this house sold is a ginormous issue. You have no idea what an unreasonable goof my SIL is - and her mother is siding with her for no obvious reason, and seems 2 have no qualms about "defending" the SIL with OUR money. As our lawyer just said 2 me in an email:

"This is all really quite strange. I feel for you and Mrs. 2long in your dealings with her all these years."

And he's putting it very mildly.


Perhaps 3 or 4 years ago. Not now. I almost look forward 2 it even.


My marriage isn't comfortable anymore. I'm most comfortable alone, or with my kids.


Correct.


I don't think so. She's tended 2 distance anyone from her who might tell her she's behaving badly. Particularly me, of course.


I don't think so. She's more bitter about religion than I am (I don't think I am at all, but she admits that she is). Ironically, she was a fundamentalist Christian when we first met and for about a year after we started seeing each other.


Me 2! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

2,

"I could retire early, if I moved out of LA!"

You are always welcome here.

We'd even have a good job ready for you.

I hear tell you guys rust up there, rather than tanning... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

2Long can come live with me in Texas, where the weather is beautiful, the food is great, the ladies are all crazy as he11, and the cost of living is CHEAP! Come on down, pardner! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

p.s. you can trade in that silly HIPPIE VAN for a white pick up truck with a gun rack and an NRA sticker! And we will hafta get ya to the barber, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, but can he see the constellations with all that big hair in Texas. 2long, come to Kansas...you can buy 6 times the house you had in LA for the same money, and you can see the stars at night from your deck or patio.

Of course you'll have to shoo a fly away from your burger at picnics, swat a mosquito anywhere in the evenings, and steer clear of a rattlesnake out in the country, but you'll get used to that!

SD

anyone from New Mexico care to weigh in????

I have a (secret) reason for asking

Pep

Ew, yecch!

If I'd had my way, there would have been a smoking hole in the ground where Santa Fe was about 5 years ago...

I woulda warned MBers before dropping the 1km nickel iron asteroid on it, though...

RM's moved around a few times since then. Maybe he got wind?

-ol' 2long

You know?

My W has called me 3 times 2day, just 2 see how I'm doing. And emailed me 2wice.

I told her that I'm doing fine, and that's the truth.

-ol' 2long

Longshot? Perhaps she's sensing your emotional detachment?

SD:

I don't think that's a long shot at all.

She said that with her new schedule, she has a 2ple hours between her afternoon class and her evening class, and we could go out 2 dinner near campus. I said sure, be happy 2. I's only about 5 miles from work, and quasi on the way home anyway.

I still love her, but I won't be lied 2 or cheated on anymore.

-ol' 2long

2long:

When you run away, they will follow. I.E. WW sensing your emotional detachment. ANd what Pep said earlier about positive action on your part, creating urgency in WW.

But, I sense from what you posted on this thread that you are more interested in your financial security then your marital security.

Some joking aside, I was struck by the several references to property/income etc.

I understand your SIL was to purchase a house from you, but what really gives? Is that what today's reactions are all about?

SIL Closes on house, Cash in Bank, Problem with IL's Solved, Brighter future for 2long? Maybe no need for Mrs 2 at that point?

Or, since this closing was supposed to happen, and didn't, then 2Long just wants to close these chapters? And one way to do it is to get rid of Mrs 2?.

Not a 2x4. You have been here awhile, and your marriage certainly isn't going along swimmingly. But to continue in this fashion isn't healthy either. Just a lower point on the mood cycle this week, maybe?

And if LA bores you, move out of the Southwest, that old Colorado River just going to dry up some day soon... No golf for me in that case.

lg:

Well, not so much preserving my financial security as not throwing away a tidy sum. I've told my W, many times before, all the way back 2 d-day when she'd say stuff like "you can have it all" that I would never do that 2 her. I'd insist on a 5050 split... ...except for the Model A. That f*ker's mine! ...seriously, when she inherited some change from her grandmother before d-day, I encouraged her 2 use it for her own goals, as with our house and stuff, we didn't need 2 disburse it. And so when my dad passed away, my inheritance is mine alone.

But our communal assets, including our retirement accounts, would be split 5050 if we split 5050. And even in LA, we could each afford a house if we sold this one.

the deal with the SIL is hurting my W because she feels like she talked me in2 buying it, and the generous ges2re went way wrong because her sister stopped paying rent and then tried 2 sue us when we told her we needed 2 sell. I agreed 2 buy the house 4 years ago, because I believed nobody would lose money on the deal. But my SIL didn't put any money in2 the place and hasn't done much 2 it. So, she's not really entitled 2 much of the equity (none, really, legally). And yet we're offering her the chance 2 buy it at a substantial discount.

My MIL sided with the SIL, and gave my W and my kids the cold shoulder as a sort of "punishment" for not "giving" the house 2 my SIL. The SIL has never provided for her own mom's care - my W and I have for the past 10 years, and that's the thanks we get.

Seriously dysfunctional family, and I do have 2 admit that it's tempting 2 tell them ALL 2 go fly a kyte, W included. But I don't work that way.

The in laws will likely blame me for doing exactly that, because my justice will be interpreted by them as vindictiveness. But it won't be. I just need my money untied from that s2pid building and the selfish 2wits living in it.

I've thought of offering 2 let my W use all the equity in the place for her own desires, and that I'll postpone getting my share until we sell our primary residence. If we split up.

The kids don't want us 2 sell our house, though. And for now, I've got a great job, and I only drive 15 miles round trip 2 work, off the freeways and out of traffic. Very nice tree-lined streets.

My W's job is pretty nifty, 2. And she's got an app in for full-time employment. It's sad that, after working so many years 2 have a chance like this, that she so often talks about throwing it all away.

But that's her choice.

-ol' 2long

2:

So your SIL is buying it from you 2 for more than you paid for it however, right?

But not what the market price may be?

However, her credit is shot and the deal is stalled, I presume.

And you can never GIVE the weaker members of the family enough.....

So, I get that.

15 miles? 7 miles here, one way. Three stop signs and one traffic light. (Only three in the town!) Costs a quarter an hour to park. Or, I walk a block and half and park for free.

But, 2: Whats the plan? We can wait for wifey, but that doesn't seem to be working. Anything else?

I would get rid of the picture. Do several of those afternoon lunches you mentioned. Get back in touch with her. My W and I do that now. Try to spend lunch together every weekday. Visit her office after several of these lunchs, and then after visiting a couple of times, ask her to remove it. You take it with you. Best thing to do there. Keep it simple and non-confrontational.

It may start make all the difference in the world if you do these things with her.

Just my .02

LG

lg

good suggestions. I'm certainly willing 2 try these things if she thinks it may help us. I certainly know that it can, if only 2 make us "good friends" or "respectful roomates" if she can't or won't give up Mr Meat.

Yeah, the deal with SIL is pretty much like that. Only she's not only not able 2 afford the place without help, she's extremely - EXTREMELY self-centered.

We even have an agreement 2 split the equity if we sell 2 a third party, which looks like we may have 2 do, starting 2morrow. At least none of our good deeds will go unpunished with her.

Appy suggested something similar 2 what you suggested about dealing with the pic2re.

Wise suggestions.

-ol' 2long

Ok Pepperband...I am from New Mexico. The weather here is lousy. One day it is really nice in the 60's but the next day it snows. Yes, this year we have had snow, snow and more snow here in the desert. Maxie

Carolina blue skies.

Sandy Beaches.

Islands.

Mountains.

Moonshine.

Close to many interesting places to visit and vacation.

Terrific flower displays, both natural and planted by the "roadway beautification committee of munchkinland."

Wonderful color changes in the Fall.

Very interesting geology, especially for rockhounds and prospectors.

Snow when you want it, sun when you don't.

Hushpuppies.

Lexington style barbeque.

Did I mention NASCAR?

PGA tournaments. One championship course (held the Crosby there up until a couple of years ago, and was a high paying stop on the Senior Tour) I play is $35 for a round, including golf cart. Try that one on for size California!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

and did I mention LOTS of very nice Golf Courses? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />