I know that it has been a while since I last posted here. Things have been pretty busy over that time with my deployment to the Middle East and all. So I thought that I would drop a line. Hope all are doing well.

Things are going well for me for the most part. Did have some interesting things happen a few weeks ago with my XW. She started acting a little different this year during Christmas and I was trying to figure out why until the middle of January. I have been trying to be as amicable with her as I can. This is to make the parental relationship a little better. Apparently, she and the OM where having problems. She kicked him out because he was having problems with his XW. I found it funny that she wanted to use the screen of wanting to become friends again for the kids’ sake. We have sort of started talking again. As a matter of fact we have pretty much talked everyday for the last couple of weeks. Both some about the kids and some about our own lives. She has since told me that they are trying to work it out and he is sort of staying with her again. I have listened to her and offered advise on this. Imagine that. Me giving advise to her. I am not sure what to make of this. I am of 2 minds on this. She is either using me to get through this or she does want to be friends again. I also wonder if I just need to back out and let her go through this along with the OM as long as it doesn't affect my kids. I did ask if the OM knew that we were talking and she said he did because it affected our kids. I tried to get clarification on how much he knew of the content of our conversations and she really didn't answer me on that one. What do you all think?

Sounds like she is using you for an EA. Be careful.

You are not the only one that said that to me. Orchid said that to me as well. I didn't even have it in mind until she said that I was the OM now. That kind of turned the light on with me. I have started to control the info flow a lot more after that. But the XW has made it clear that there will not be a romantic relationship. I would tend to aggree with her. That ship sailed a long time ago.

The thought of your ex returning to familiar grounds with you also crossed my mind.The big question is what is it YOU want from a relationship with your XW? Is it ok to become friendly again? Would it hurt you? Or do you really care to be drawn into the quagmire of her union with the OM?

Hope you are doing well also considering how serious things are in the ME.

Any better kind of relationship than the one that we have had over the last 6 years will help us parent the kids. I am not entirely sure what I want yet. I am trying to figure that out. I don't want to hurt her or the kids in any way. I also don't want to get hurt in the process. That will not help the co-parenting role. I think that I am starting to lean in some directions. I was suprised to find out that talking to her about her relationship really didn't hurt all that much. It has given me a lot to think about though. It has given me a better ensight into the day to day lives of the kids and how they are being raised while at home. She wants to have a friendship built on guarded trust, but I have told her that I was't sure that I could do that. I am still trying to work that out. I just have to wonder if she is just using me to get through their problems and then will pull away again when things get better. What do you think?

Things are going well on the military side. I am currently in the states and I have contact with the friends that I have over there right now.

I can understand wanting to have a civil relationship with your ex for the kids sake.My youngest lights up like a light bulb whenever my ex calls and she sees that I have to talk to him.I loath to though.But I am getting better at just talking businesslike and smiling for her benefit as she watches me.It's really up to you and how you feel about being in contact with your XW and to what degree.Everyone has their own comfort level.

Personally I don't want it to go beyond anything very superficial.It's part of protecting myself.On the instances where I have openend myself up a bit more to my ex I *always get hurt somehow (not unexpected).I know I have to be that way with him which is strange when I think back to how close we used to be.

Glad to hear things are going well in the military.I hope you and all the folks there end up home safe and sound.I am sure it must be very difficult being away from family and friends and dealing with the stress.

I was much the same as you are. I didn't want to know what she was up to as long as it didn't affect my kids. It was way to hard to even talk to her for extended periods of time. It hurt to much. But, it has changed over the last few months. It has gotten easier. It will for you also. I thought the same way as you when you remember how close you were to your H. It has been nice talking to her again. I am currently in the US. I depolyed in 2005.

I'm relatively sure that talking with the ex won't change.I really don't want to know what he is up to either,as you mentioned.He's still with the OW and living with her now so what's the point of friendly chit chat?

I talk about the kids if I need to of course but other than that,we really have nothing to say and I don't consider him a friend or anything more than my ex.I guess I'm pretty adept at cutting,what I deem,toxic people out of my life.ha

I've been going through the whole Affair/Divorce thing now for years so whatever we have now is probably going to last.

Anyway,I feel like I'm hogging up your whole thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Glad you're home safe.

I felt the same way. I also didn't want to know. It has been like the ice wall that is between us has melted a little. It has taken six years for this to happen. I still don't really trust her yet. I am not even sure that I will be able to trust her completely. She hasn't really opened up to me so I only know a little about who she is now. A lot of out chit chat circulates around the kids and our joint experience raising our little ones.

You are not hogging up my thread. There aren’t a lot of people that I have seen around here that remember me. Some of the old hats do. I see that you have some of the same issues with your XH that I had with the XW so I am glad to talk to you about this kind of stuff.

Just an update. She and the other man have now moved back in together. I have questioned her about how much of our talks he knows about. I am waiting on her reply. I don't want to be the OM in her relationship. I have told her that I was going to withdraw a little bit from her to ensure that it doesn't happen. Again waiting on her. Will post more when I find out.

XW just let me know about how much he knows. She has pretty much shared everything with him. She said that he is ok with it. She said that she has lots of male friends that she talks to about lots of things and that they are just friends. She also thought that I was hitting on her when we started talking again, but after talking with me she thinks that my wanting just a friendship is sincere. I told her that I wasn't sure what I wanted now. I need to think things through. I also told her that I would only converse with her concerning the kids if she would like because I don't want to affect her relationship in anyway. She told me that she would leave it up to what ever I am comfortable with. I am not sure what direction I will take now. What do you think?

INDY,

I don't know.When I read your posts I keep thinking that the probability of you getting hurt is possible.So she has lots of male friends huh? Good for her,I guess.

I am biased though.I don't usually encourage former BS's to be anything more than cordial with their exWS's since their thought processes that brought them to have an A aren't usually dealt with so they have the capacity to hurt you all over again without even understanding (in that way,I feel like a Mother bear).

Of course you need to be in contact with them for the children's sakes but there are ways to do that that keep you protected.In my mind all WS's,even former ones are people that need to be avoided.In general that is.I do believe that some WS's can be remorseful and make ammends but not many really do.Not in the way's we deserve.

My ex knows how much I cannot stand the OW in his life so I have not heard one iota about what she is doing,saying or anything.I don't want to know,do not want to be involved in all that and refuse to be a sounding board for my ex's escapades.As I mentioned,only you can decide how much a part of your ex's life you allow yourself to be.For me it's "No thanks".

Just tread lightly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

AB,

I have kinda been leaning toward the kids issues only. I implemented this over the weekend. I just worked to hard to get to where I am at to go down that road again. I think that she was only this way because she wanted some attention while the OM was gone. I kind of caught that one early on. I am letting this just work itself out and see where it goes.

Good for you INDY.

Sometimes we can get drawn in and forget the behaviors that our FWS's had until you get a reminder somewhere (like here for example) to watch your step.I think that is one reason why I still come here and post.It affirms what I went through,I get reminders of what I lived through and what to avoid,how to stay healhty and protected,etc.Not to mention just having other's to talk to that have been through just what I have.There's no place like it elsewhere for me.

As you stated,your ex may have been bored when she didn't have OM around.One indication that she may not have learned how to be ok on her own/being alone.My ex was similar: he cannot be still within himself.He was always,always in contact with someone,anyone,by e-mail,phone,in person,you name it.He's never really lived on his own for very long.

The good thing is you are in control of your own life and it's not dependent on what your ex says or does anymore.

Hello INDY,

Long time no see. It seems as if you are actually doing pretty well. I am sure those deployments are hard on you and the kids. Your ex??? Who cares. I am trying to remember how long you have been in the service now? Are you getting close to retirement yet?

Must go, but just wanted to stop in and say hello. It seems to me you have a great handle on things and I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

God Bless,

JL

AB,

I needed some outside advise on this. I just don't want to be put into a bad position. I aggree that she hasn't learned a whole lot over the last few years.

JL,

Yeah, I have been kind of busy lately. I am in the country now and will most likely be for the next couple of years I hope. I have been in the military for 13 years now. I have 7 left until I can retire. The kids took the deployment pretty well. Hope all has been well with you.