Hi there,

I have never done this...so here it goes. I have been married for about 16 years. I have been with my H since I was a freshman in college. He is my first love and basically first everything. I have never been through a heart break till now. I am 39 and my H is 42. We have 2 kids, one girl 12 yrs. old and one boy 8 yrs old.
My H and I have been up and down on a relationship rollercoaster. I have tried many times to get my H to realize that we have a marriage problems...he would tell me that everything is fine with him and it is basically in my head. In early stages of our marriage we fought a lot….Mainly b/c of his parents as we don't get along. Well in about 7 years into our marriage, I started to get emotionally involved with a co-worker. It started out as friendship. Sharing our marital problems together but then it started to turn into more than friendship. Before I knew it we were in a full fledge affair.
OM is also married. He has been married for 20 years with two kids. Our affair lasted 8 years. This is not a typo....Just 2 weeks ago OM found his wife with another man and things started to spiral down for us. He dropped our relationship to work things out with his W. He was not sure if he is going to stay with her or not but wanted to break things up with us so he could think more clearly.
This has been a wakeup call for me...I thought he loved me and we would always be together. Stupid but true. But I was so wrong. I am seeing a therapist right now to work out my issues. I want to make everything right. I first need to heal myself and get over my OM. It has been tough 2 weeks. I am having a tough time as I am going through the withdrawals. I miss him a lot and I miss our conversations. We would see other once a week and talked everyday. We would IM each other all day long at work. In one way I am happy that this has happened b/c where was this relationship was going to go anyway. But the other side of my wants him back so badly. I know being in an affair is like being in a fantasy land. That's how I felt for 8 years. But I want this to end now. I want the paid to go away. I want to make my marriage work.
My H is a perfect dad, son-in-law, brother-in-law....but he was not an attentive husband. In saying that….I also think that I did not give him and our marriage a fair chance. My H is a really nice person but a very clueless H. We have not been sexually active for 2 years. After my breakup with my OM..I asked my H if every wondered why we were not sexually active anymore or why is there so much distance between us. His response was that he just wondered that I was going through some personal issues and that he was going to stay patience till I got over it. This is how clueless he is. I need him to wakeup and realize that our marriage in big trouble. In past I had tried to get him to save me…when I saw myself getting close to OM. He would never think that I would every have an affaire.
I had never been in any other relationship before my marriage. I wish I had so I would know how to handle myself during crises. But being with OM has taught me a lot about my expectations being too high. I have learned to be patience. I did not give my 100% in my marriage. We both were at fault.
My H has no idea about our affair. My therapist has said that he does not need to known unless I feel the need to tell him. He will leave me if I did tell him I want to make my marriage work.
I need some advise oh how to start. I want to fall back in love with my H. Right now I am still in love with the OM. As much as I know he was my fantasy and we had no future. Thinking now, I don't think I could have married him.
I used to love my H a lot. I want that love back. He said that he still love me. How can that be possible since we have been living like two good friends under the same roof! He said that he is ready to work on our marriage as well. He is also ready to see a marriage counselor. I still don't want to tell him about my affair as it will only hurt him. I want to make everything right for us.
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Signed
Messed-up and Confused

Gee, this post is a little old, but here goes...

AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT SORRY FOR CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND! Yeah, the poor guy has no clue b/c you've built up this wall of secrecy & mystery around you. I completely disagree w/ your therapist, you MUST CONFESS to your husband about your A. Otherwise, your marriage will just go in circles, as you probably will not get over OM easily, and be vulnerable to having another A.

Yeah, your husband might leave you, tough. Deal with it, take responsibility for your actions, and be prepared to ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES. Stop the lying, deceit, and dishonesty. If you are truly remorseful for the A, then tell your husband the truth, and give him a sincere chance to finally "get" what has been wrong in your marriage for so long.

On the other hand, your husband says he loves you. He may love you enough to forgive this betrayal, and the both of you can truly begin to heal your marriage. Of course, don't expect him to be forgiving right away, but by confessing to him, he will finally be awoken up to the reality of how severely in trouble your marriage is.

It is time you stop keeping your H in the dark if you truly want to work on your marriage.