Hi there,

I have never done this...so here it goes. I have been married for about 16 years. I have been with my H since I was a freshman in college. He is my first love and basically first everything. I have never been through a heart break till now. I am 39 and my H is 42. We have 2 kids, one girl 12 yrs. old and one boy 8 yrs old.
My H and I have been up and down on a relationship rollercoaster. I have tried many times to get my H to realize that we have a marriage problems...he would tell me that everything is fine with him and it is basically in my head. In early stages of our marriage we fought a lot….Mainly b/c of his parents as we don't get along. Well in about 7 years into our marriage, I started to get emotionally involved with a co-worker. It started out as friendship. Sharing our marital problems together but then it started to turn into more than friendship. Before I knew it we were in a full fledge affair.
OM is also married. He has been married for 20 years with two kids. Our affair lasted 8 years. This is not a typo....Just 2 weeks ago OM found his wife with another man and things started to spiral down for us. He dropped our relationship to work things out with his W. He was not sure if he is going to stay with her or not but wanted to break things up with us so he could think more clearly.
This has been a wakeup call for me...I thought he loved me and we would always be together. Stupid but true. But I was so wrong. I am seeing a therapist right now to work out my issues. I want to make everything right. I first need to heal myself and get over my OM. It has been tough 2 weeks. I am having a tough time as I am going through the withdrawals. I miss him a lot and I miss our conversations. We would see other once a week and talked everyday. We would IM each other all day long at work. In one way I am happy that this has happened b/c where was this relationship was going to go anyway. But the other side of my wants him back so badly. I know being in an affair is like being in a fantasy land. That's how I felt for 8 years. But I want this to end now. I want the paid to go away. I want to make my marriage work.
My H is a perfect dad, son-in-law, brother-in-law....but he was not an attentive husband. In saying that….I also think that I did not give him and our marriage a fair chance. My H is a really nice person but a very clueless H. We have not been sexually active for 2 years. After my breakup with my OM..I asked my H if every wondered why we were not sexually active anymore or why is there so much distance between us. His response was that he just wondered that I was going through some personal issues and that he was going to stay patience till I got over it. This is how clueless he is. I need him to wakeup and realize that our marriage in big trouble. In past I had tried to get him to save me…when I saw myself getting close to OM. He would never think that I would every have an affaire.
I had never been in any other relationship before my marriage. I wish I had so I would know how to handle myself during crises. But being with OM has taught me a lot about my expectations being too high. I have learned to be patience. I did not give my 100% in my marriage. We both were at fault.
My H has no idea about our affair. My therapist has said that he does not need to known unless I feel the need to tell him. He will leave me if I did tell him I want to make my marriage work.
I need some advise oh how to start. I want to fall back in love with my H. Right now I am still in love with the OM. As much as I know he was my fantasy and we had no future. Thinking now, I don't think I could have married him.
I used to love my H a lot. I want that love back. He said that he still love me. How can that be possible since we have been living like two good friends under the same roof! He said that he is ready to work on our marriage as well. He is also ready to see a marriage counselor. I still don't want to tell him about my affair as it will only hurt him. I want to make everything right for us.
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Signed
Messed-up and Confused

1. therapist is giving you permission to remain a liar for the rest of your life ... in other words ... destroy your integrity ... lousy therapist in my opinion

2. are you willing ready and able to remain a LIAR for the rest of your life?

3. what do you teach your children about lying, honesty and integrity?

4. are you willing to SIGN UP your husband for a marriage based on lies ~without his consent~ ?

WELCOME to the FUNNY FARM with all the rest of us crazies!

Pep

Just to be clear on all the potential problems...

If this A started 7 years into a 16 year marriage - presumably about 9 years ago...is your 8 year-old son your H's or the OM's? Where did the pregnancy fit into the timeline?

Actually my A started after the birth of my 8 yrs old. So the A has been going on for about 8 years.

I do agree that basing a relationship on lie is not the way to go. But I know I will loose my H if I told him. I also don't want to hurt him in order to clear my conscious. I feel like I am stuck either way. I would rather carry the burdun of lie then to hurt him even more than I have. Thank you for you feedback....and please advice.

XOX:

First, fire the therapist. I had one of these gooves 5 years ago. He believed in "measured honesty." Measured honesty is also measured deceit, an oxymoron.

You met the OM at work? Do you still work 2gether? One of you MUST quit or, just like your desire 2 continue 2 lie 2 your H, any attempt 2 recover your marriage will fail. WILL fail.

You will find that love isn't a feeling. It's a conscious choice. You may have felt "in love" with the OM, but you never loved him. Having an affair isn't a loving choice.

Since you're here, I would highly recommend you call the counseling center on the main page and schedule a session with Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley Chalmers. You need proactive marriage coaching right now, not "feel good" therapy. 2 many therapists are ill-equipped 2 deal with cases of infidelity in marriage.

-ol' 2long

Thank you.

[/quote]He will leave me if I did tell him [/quote]

Possibly. Don't you think he should have the right to decide for himself whether he stays in a marriage where he has been lied to and put at risk of disease and/or death?


It will also release him. But his reaction would hurt YOU yes? Ask yourself who you are really protecting.


I think you have exactly the wakeup tool to do that, don't you?

TA

This is common for WSs, don't feel like your si2ation is different.

*If your H chooses 2 leave you after he learns of the affair, then that's his right, isn't it? You really should have thought about that before you got involved with the OM.

*You already hurt him by having the A. The truth will not hurt him, but rather help him 2 get over the hurt he's already been subjected 2.

*I will be happy 2 offer advice, but realize that it very likely will go against the grain of what you think you want 2 hear.

My W had a 12-year affair, and we're still struggling after I found out about it 5 years ago. But it wouldn't have been this hard if she'd told me instead.

-ol' 2long

XOX,
You sound alot like my FWW, she had a relationship (on & off) with the same OM who was a friend of mine for 8 years until I discovered it. All the while, I felt something was just not right and she denied everything until I found some concrete evidence and confronted her. Maybe like your H, I just couldn't fathom my W would do such a thing.
Bottom line - You should tell him. Like Pep says, you don't want to live a lie forever (assuming you want to stay M'ed). Yes, it will hurt him tremendously but living through the slow death of a M hurts too. After D-day my FWW went through withdrawl, like you, but she did feel relieved not to be living a lie anymore and she could be herself again. She also went to confession, where the priest welcomed her to the light again.
Who's to say he won't find out anyway from some other source, like the OM or his wife? How is that going to make you look and feel then?
It's a very hard road, harder IMHO on the betrayed, but I'm glad I know the truth and can re-build my M into one that's genuine and hopefully honest. If you decide to tell the truth, tell all of it, not parse it out in bits and pieces, that only hurts the BS more (I know this from experience).

Hope this helps. You and your H can learn alot here.

V/r,
No Way

Thank you all for your advice. I agree that the truth will set me free...and I have to a lot think about on how to tell him. I am really very scared. I feel like I have been asleep for 8 years...and now I am somewhat awake. But a lot has changed...I have changed and my life has changed.
I appreciate you guys taking the time to respond.

So, knowing this, you intend on keeping him in a marriage based on a LIE, against his will? Like a DOG in a cage? Is he your PET? Does he not have the right to decide for himself whether or not he would choose to stay or leave? Are you somehow qualified to DENY him that right?

To continue to lie to this man in order to keep him on your farm is CRUEL, MANIPULATIVE...and DANGEROUS. Only HE has the right to decide if he wants to stay. You have NO RIGHT to deny this man that right.

Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies.


He already has been "hurt." And you continue to hurt him every day that you lie to him. Your "conscience" should be telling you to STOP LYING to him.

Would you use this wacky logic if you knew your neighbor's bookkeeper was stealing from him? Would you not tell your neighbor because you "don't want to hurt him?" Of course you wouldn't. It isn't the telling that "hurts" but the act itself. Why would you apply such an insane rationalization to adultery?

Do the decent thing and tell your husband. Your marriage is hopeless anyway unless he knows the truth. No marriage can survive that is based on FRAUD AND DECEIT because it absolutely prevents intimacy.

Please find a qualifed counselor who understands the dynamics of adultery and knows right from wrong. Your C fails in both respects.

Yes, you do not want to wait until OM's WIFE calls your husband to give him the news .... much worse.

PLUS ... now that you know OM's wife has been screwing around too, guess what?

YOU have possibly been exposed to any number of STDs ... and so has your husband.

BOTH OF YOU need to have a complete STD screen.(isn't adultery swell?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

XOX

Statistics suggest that many marriages 'survive' with an infidelity lie carefully tucked away. However, I doubt very much if those marriages are genuinely happy or intimate.

You've got hardened to the practicalities of lying, of closing the door on your H, of maintaining a necessary distance. You've got used to satisfying yourself with two substandard relationships (do you feel that the 8 years of the A was time well-spent?) You have propped yourself up between a marriage to which you gave less than your all, and a fantasy relationship with a man who was faking his own marital role just as much as you. Does that sound like much of a life?

To continue with that life, simply hold onto your secret and struggle on. Will your marriage be better for this secret? Given the problems before, will your heavy burden make things better or worse? Every time you look at your H, will you feel light and happy and loving...or sad, guilty and resentful?

It is possible to have a marriage that is joyful, intimate and in which you are known and loved, faults and all. But when a fault as big as this one is not known...will any joy feel real? Will you really believe you are loved? How long do you think it will be before you are back in another A with another (or the same) sympathetic co-worker?

To get to a genuinely happy marriage, you need to be ruthlessly honest with yourself and with your partner. If you are as honest and as determined as you can possibly manage, the chances are good that that partner will be your present H. He's even willing to go to MC - that is a very hopeful signal. But to get back into the sunshine, you will have to be very brave and face up to a long and grisly darkness.

Can you do that? If it's daunting, perhaps your next step is to find an IC who believes in marriage, who will support you while you support your H through the trauma.

The alternative is...what?

TA

How about simply "do the right thing, not the easy thing". You know what that is. The question is whether you will stand up and do it or not. The consequences are what they are.

Well XOX,

Welcome to Marriage Builders, you have found the right place that is for sure. You won't think so for awhile, but you have. The ladies and gentlemen that have responded to you have been telling you the unvarnished truth.

REALITY: You don't have a marriage. You sold it down the river when you started to lie to your H and have the affair.

REALITY: Your H is NOT to blame for the affair, after all he did not get a vote or even a say in things, you and OM decided how your marriages would be.

REALITY: OM isn't much of a man is he? He has an affair for 8 years and then goes running home with his tail tucked between his legs because HIS WIFE is having an affair. Imagine the nerve of her? Your affair was not affecting their marriage was it? Nor your own, right? REALITY TIME: It was. AND it is.

I don't know if I should start this now since you are really still in the affair and not really into withdrawal. You won't be OUT of the affair until you cease all contact with OM and you tell your H. No guts no glory as they say.

But, I will offer you something to consider and read up on. It is called love busters in the parlance of this site. Read Dr. Harley's articles on love busters and pay close attention to Disrespectful Judgements, DJ's for short. You have posted MANY about your H, and what makes them soooo deadly to a marriage is that people ACT on DJ's, and since they are often based on assumptions and not reality, these actions kill a marriage.

You have been making DJ's about your H for years, you have also been rewriting history to justify your affair. Do you want to see a few of the DJ's in your post.

Here are a few:



Many people would call it being considerate. He was aware of your disinterest in him and he did not push you. IF he had, you would have lied anyway. Right?


So it is HIS responsibility that you had the affair because he was trusting right?

I could go on, but I hope you get the idea. You start this process as you have already been told by being honest with him. He cannot know what you won't and haven't told him. He may surprise you and decide to try and save the marriage, which bring me to your last DJ.

You claim to KNOW that he will divorce you if he finds out. You don't know that, you are just assuming that, and used this assumption to continue to betray and lie to him. Lady, that is a huge DJ.

The tools are here to help you try and save your marriage. But as you have been told there is no hope without honesty and no contact with the OM.

Your call. I hope you continue to post, ask questions, and do a lot of reading. Once you decide to end your affair, I am sure the people here will be able to help you.

God Bless,

JL

XOX:

This ain't easy, is it?

You feel you are in a Box.

Need to tell the Husband. That hurts, and he might leave.

But if I do not tell him, the lies continue, and "HE will never GET WITH IT"

This is the Box you created, I created a Box as well.

One day, I found this site, And gathered the strength to tell OW it was over. After 4.5 years.

OW called my Wife and ratted me out.

I thought my marriage and my realtionship with OW was over cause I was really angry with OW for exposing me. She thought she was going to win.

But amazingly, with what I learned here, and a huge amount of honesty on my part, my Wife decided NOT to leave me.

As others have said to you already, You have to tell your H.

And tell him everything he needs to know, and more.

And then take the lead in correcting this. Call the Harleys and schedule Marriage counseling. (BTW, Fire the idiot counsleur that you have now) (One question, when did you tell your counselor you were having an A?)

Learn, Learn, Learn. There is much info, just on this site. The books, His Needs, Ner Needs (HNHN) and Surviving an Affair (SAA) are available from this website and will go far to helping you recover your marriage.

Your Husband has a lot to learn as well. But he has 8 years of lies to process first. Lies that you have held for those 8 years and have had an opportunity to understand. He will not at first. But if you come clean and end all contact with the OM, then he can begin to travel the road of recovery with you.

And XOX: Things can get rough on you here. However, it is tough love. Things will be said that you do not want to hear, but you need to hear them. And you will grow from this, and become a better woman. And the folks around here will guide you though the process of telling your H, What his reactions might be like, what you can propose as the next step after that and the one after that. And they will show you the upmost in care and concern, and you will find that outside of the Harley's, and hopefully your Husband, this is the ONLY place that you can be totally honest with anyone about the details of your Affair.

Remember that. I am a wayward spouse as well. I wouldn't hang around if I thought I couldn't help, or if other posters thought I was completly off the wall in my thinking. I will get bashed every now and then, and so will you at the start, but you have alot to learn....

Welcome to MB.

And to repeat Pep:

WELCOME to the FUNNY FARM with all the rest of us crazies!

XOX,

May I point out a few interesting things?


“OM is married with two kids. Two weeks ago OM found his wife with another man and things started to spiral down for us.”

So, innocent children, including your own, OM’s betrayed wife and family, not to mention your husband, are not all that important to you, huh? The above quote from your post is just a single example of this entitled attitude. Not to be mean, but your post is all about you, almost every sentence of it.


“Our affair lasted 8 years.”

This is a long time, isn’t it? You need to be aware of something important. As messy, immoral, unethical as adultery is in every case, it is often truly a mistake. The WS trips and falls, but eventually figures out they are in the wrong, picks themselves up, gets back on the ethical path and corrects their life. But, when adultery goes on for this long, one has cause to assess the basic character of the adulterer. Eight years is no longer a mistake. It long ago became a well integrated way of life for you.

Eight years is more than long enough to have figured out you are living a complete and total lie. You need to think on who you have become. Who are you XOX? Who are you really? And, you need to give your husband a chance to see you who have become. It is his right to know who he is really married to.


“He dropped our relationship to work things out with his W. He was not sure if he is going to stay with her or not but wanted to break things up with us so he could think more clearly.”

Riiiight. Think more clearly. It is to laugh.


“I am seeing a therapist right now to work out my issues. I want to make everything right. I first need to heal myself and get over my OM. It has been tough 2 weeks. I am having a tough time as I am going through the withdrawals. I miss him a lot and I miss our conversations. We would see other once a week and talked everyday. We would IM each other all day long at work. “

You are just getting started, you know. It will get much worse before it gets better. And every time you contact OM in any way you will start all over again. I predict OM will contact you whenever his wife acts hurt. Every time he feels angry he has to work on his marriage. Adulterers are lazy aren’t they XOX. When OM thinks recovery of his M is getting to be work, he’s going to want to escape back into la-la land. It’s always the easy way out for adulterers.

How do you plan to avoid contact so you can actually do some genuine introspection? How will you end the affair once and for all if you even stay in the same city with OM?

A Long Term Affair (LTA) takes extraordinary measures to end, to remain in no-contact and to be overcome by everyone involved. This will be harder, more work, and the most painful thing you will ever encounter, XOX. And you haven’t even begun yet.


“In one way I am happy that this has happened b/c where was this relationship was going to go anyway.”

You know perfectly well where it was going. Exactly where it was going all along.

“But I want this to end now. I want the pain to go away. I want to make my marriage work. “

The pain of withdrawal will only go away with strict no contact. The pain of recovery of your marriage hasn’t even begun. And it can no longer be all about you.

“My H is a perfect dad, son-in-law, brother-in-law....but he was not an attentive husband. In saying that….I also think that I did not give him and our marriage a fair chance. My H is a really nice person but a very clueless H.”

Argh. Clueless isn’t the half of it. He loved you. He trusted you. He thought you were the one person who had his back. He let you lead him down the primrose path, smiling stupidly all the while, didn’t he? He is not going to feel clueless. He is going to feel he is the stupidest man that ever lived!


“We have not been sexually active for 2 years.”

Welcome your BH to affair land. Tell me, how many times did you push him away during your affair? How many times did you feel you were betraying OM when you made love to your husband, so you just didn’t? Imagine how frustrated he has been for so many years, yet he still loves you.


“After my breakup with my OM, I asked my H if ever wondered why we were not sexually active anymore or why is there so much distance between us. His response was that he just wondered that I was going through some personal issues and that he was going to stay patience till I got over it. This is how clueless he is.”

And if he had pushed back on this? You would have done what? Ended your affair maybe? More likely, you would have lied even more to him. And accused him of being at fault like you are accusing him right here and now. What did you expect from someone who obviously loves and trusts you? You are basically saying this is his fault because he trusted you.


“I need him to wakeup and realize that our marriage in big trouble. In past I had tried to get him to save me…when I saw myself getting close to OM. He would never think that I would every have an affaire.”

Ok, so tell him the truth! You cannot have a secret double life and expect him to somehow know. It wouldn’t be the secret you tried so hard, for so long, and so successfully to keep then, would it. He can’t read any one's mind, let alone yours.

And make sure you tell him the truth about how your LTA ended. The way it ended makes your H your second choice, does it not? Your LTA would still be coasting along if it had not been discovered, right? In fact, you imply that you hoped OM would eventually leave his wife so you could run off with him. Your H has the absolute inalienable right to know this truth.


“I had never been in any other relationship before my marriage. I wish I had so I would know how to handle myself during crises. But being with OM has taught me a lot about my expectations being too high. I have learned to be patience. I did not give my 100% in my marriage. We both were at fault.”

This is a combination of blame shifting and rationalization. You made these choices. No one forced you to do anything. The only people in this sordid affair who had no choices are the children, your husband and OM’s wife. Grab onto this straw while you can, XOX. Realizing this is just about the only thing that will save you in the end. No matter what happens to your marriage, if you do not become aware of your choices and their consequences you are doomed.


“My H has no idea about our affair. My therapist has said that he does not need to known unless I feel the need to tell him.”

Hah, I bet your therapist is having an affair, too.


“He will leave me if I did tell him I want to make my marriage work. I need some advise oh how to start. I want to fall back in love with my H. Right now I am still in love with the OM. As much as I know he was my fantasy and we had no future. Thinking now, I don't think I could have married him. “

Yes he might. Not your call any longer. However, read this entire MB site for hope. Some of us were the butt of LTAs, too. Yet we stayed in our marriages. But it took an extraordinary effort on our parts. I think your H already shows an extraordinary ability to choose to love you. You sold him short for eight years. Don’t sell him short any longer.


“He said that he still loves me. How can that be possible since we have been living like two good friends under the same roof! He said that he is ready to work on our marriage as well. He is also ready to see a marriage counselor.”

He chooses love. He appears to understand that true love is a choice, not a feeling. You are incredibly lucky, you know. Also, I think he suspects more than you realize. And he still loves you. Go figure.

“I still don't want to tell him about my affair as it will only hurt him. I want to make everything right for us. Any help or advice would be appreciated.”

OK, find a pro-marriage counselor and tell him in one of your sessions. And tell him the whole truth, keep nothing back. The hurt is a necessary part of the healing. There is nothing better you could do for your family, if you really want to save it.

MB has a very successful plan for saving your marriage. Read here and start working it. Concrete steps like the NC letter, Radical Honesty, The Rules of Protection…. Ask when you have questions.


ed: You have an ethical choice to make now, XOX. Your marriage or your affair. It is wrong to have both. So you have to choose. One or the other. One choice leads out into darkness and eventual despair. One choice leads up an incredibly steep, long and treacherous path to light. Do the math, XOX.


Oh, and somewhere around your H’s second question to you is going to be, is your 8 yo really his. Do not blow him off in this. Be prepared to have a paternity test one way or the other. This is a very big deal for LTA betrayed husbands. In fact, when your 8 yo finally, someday, learns the truth about your LTA, be prepared for him to ask you the same thing.


With prayers,

PS: Some useful links -

How to find a good marriage counselor: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

How to survive infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Hi XOX,

I was reading this as you were posting yesterday too but I hesitated to post because back in Dec 2003 when I first started posting here, I was were you are now.

I had much to confess, short term infidelity that dated back to pre-marriage (we were already engaged), then again 5yrs into the marraige and finally a mess of stuff that I was doing from about july 2001 - dec 2003 which included being with a good friend of his.

Many kind-hearted people posted to me (although some of the posts didn't read "kind" exactly). It took me till March 2004 to confess some of it, only a part of the recent stuff and then in Oct 2004, i confessed everything.

It was due to exchanges with those here (especially JL and Pep) that I finally found my way, and some courage.

It was due to the kindnss of too many to list now, that I managed to not fall apart in the process of finding my way.

So I wanted to welcome you, let you know you are not alone and you are not a terrible person.

but you do have a lot of work ahead of you. I won't sugar coat it, it's not going to be easy.

my marriage is recovery. yours can too. of course it is up to your husband to a large extent now, he will have a big decision to make. but you can have a big effect on how this goes done. the biggest one will be confessing.

i'll keep an eye out for you and help in anyway i can. ask anything you want.

This is an understatement. "Hurt" wouldn't be the right word here. I think "Completely Devastated" would be the proper term .. or "Crushed."


Tell your husband the truth. If he asks questions, guard nothing, hold back nothing, don't volunteer information, but don't lie, don't down-play your answers if he asks you questions, ..don't hold back..if he feels like your minimizing or diverting..not giving 100% absolute truth ..it only hurts him more..

Telling him the truth is the only way to "Make it Right.." .. Hiding this is ... living a lie.

I just had an interesting visual about her ...

remember the first time you actually dove into the deep end off the diving board?

standing there doing a mental countdown

"5-4-3-2-..... WAIT! ..... OK .... here goes .... 5-4-3-.... no, wait .... >shakes self< .... here goes .... 5-4-3-2-1-.... wait...." ... slips, falls in *splash*

the second time up on the diving board is so much quicker and confident ....

"OK ... here goes ... ready set go ... 1-2-3- " ....*splash*

Pep