My XWH is still with the SOW. He is now spending time with her while my kids are with him. My kids have held onto that the OW is an awful person, but I am afraid that they are changing their minds. I don't want them to like her. I really want them to hate her even though I know that isn't good for them. Selfish, I know.

I just feel that if the kids turn then I will be the only one who thinks that the affair was wrong. That I will end up being the one that was wrong for trying to stay married when he was so in love with his "soulmate". That is probably the same reason that I am hanging onto all of this anger with both of them.

What can I do to not hurt so much with this?

Loni

I've been there. My kids didn't want to like OM in the beginning, but because they were younger, and he gave them positive attention, they naturally began to accept him.

My youngest came to me and said he wanted to get his nipple pierced because he was playing football outside with OM and OM wasn't wearing a shirt! I just about fell over in hurt and rage! But, it didn't help anyone, especially me.

At some point, you have to give into the fact that what is -- just is. And that justice will occur at some point for everyone. Holding onto resentment and anger will only frustrate and hurt you! And in turn, hurt those around you.

I had to give into the fact that my children may/will be around others and I couldn't do anything about it. It took me a good 18 months!!! Then, you just accept. It's (a sometimes unfortunate) part of the process.

I also believe that at some point, the kids will piece everything together and make up their own minds about what happened.

Continue to maintain your dignity and honor. Let them make their own choices/decisions. Those feelings will evolve and change, too!

You are growing stronger from this and becoming a better person.

Peace.

blue

Hi, I know how you feel. XWH is living w/ OW ..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> For the sake of my children, and only my children, I chose to divorce amicably. To let him GO and let it up to God. Not not not easy....but it does bring peace to oneself. There are really no quick fixes, it is truly a process of acceptance. I never thought I'd be where I am today, but I am grateful for it. Your children know you and they love you. No one can ever replace you and the affair is not righted by two people calling each other soulmates <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> In my experience, I've had to block xwh out and just focus on myself and my children and making sure while they are with me I am setting the right example. That's all one can do. We can't control the actions of another. Just know that time does heal, and you won't always feel the way you do at this moment. Be good to yourself. When you have time alone, do something for you! At first this feels kind of shallow (admittedly) but then it becomes something nice. You learn to be with yourself and it is a good thing. Take care of yourself. i know it is hard and God knows it doesn't seem "fair", but the best thing I can say is take care of yourself, the anger will fade. But it is a necessary part of the process to let it go.

Loni, just because your children no longer think of the OW as the devil incarnate doesn’t mean they don’t think the affair was wrong and terrible. It shattered their life, too. Accepting the OW may be the best way they have of picking up the pieces and putting together another life. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning.

Hi Loni,

I was also like you and GG can attest to my mindset a while back.

My ex introduced my kids to the OW behind my back,and all his family too while I had no idea.I was fuming.He of course made her out to be some kind of special "friend" but that was not true essentially.I always believed,and still do,that she has no business being around my kids.She has nothing that I would want them to experience with her.Her morals,values,behavior,all speak to someone that I would not want my kids around.I didn't want the kids to hate the OW, just not be anywhere in the vacinity of her.

She coveted my husband,my role as wife,my kids.I was like,what is left? She will NOT get my house and dog.I felt like she wanted all that I had where she should have gone out and pursued an unmarried man.Yes my ex was to blame too but perhaps if she had any decency and said "no,go talk to your wife",or something then maybe he wouldn't have had the opportunity he had.

Ultimately,and I knew I would have to,I had to accept the fact that there was nothing I could do about her being around my kids unless she abused them or did drugs or something of that nature.All I could do was explain to the kids how I felt about the situation and try to ensure that they were not harmed.

At this point I really don't think she has much to do with them afterall.My ex sees the kids EOW and at least one of those weekends is usually without her ( thank goodness).The kids do have the right to be with their Dad alone and without her interference.

Try to find a way to accept what the situation is.I know it's not right and it's stinks but like the serenity prayer,try to change the things you can and be ok with it.Love your kids,have fun with them and keep showing them that you care.That is what they will remember.The OW will never be able to even come close to replacing you or being who you are.You don't have to like the OW,I certainly never will.Just keep encouraging your beliefs,values and morals with your kids and how you want them to grow up.When they are older they will make their own decisions and hopefully not make the same mistakes as all our WS's do.

Time does change how some people react to one another,especially family.I was always told by my IL's that the OW would never be welcomed into their home for all that she stood for and what she did.Well guess what,she was.And on big holidays too.And a sleepover,twice.I was floored.It was one thing to allow this person into their home but to set a bad example of the two of them shacking up in the IL's home while my kids are right there was nauseating.All I could do,again, was express how I felt about what went on.

It certainly changed the way I feel about them all even though we are still talking and visiting,etc.I don't have as much respect for them anymore nor my SIL either.I know my ex is their bio relation but the passage of time does not make me change my core beliefs and values,etc.

Anyway,hang in there.You are not alone.

Loni,

Goodd advice on this thread.

Anger is natural. People will tell you to let go, but we all know that's easier said than done. If you could let go of the anger you would have by now. The fact you are aware of your anger (and hurt) tells me you are on your to letting go.

I know my anger comes in waves now. I'll have a couple of good weeks, and then something will trigger the anger and It'll stay with me. The duration between feeling anger and feeling "normal" is getting longer -- with normal starting to prevail, so there is hope. Incidentally, I do remember when XW introduced DD to the OM. Yep, that was a trigger. I'm just thankfull logistically they won't be around each other very much.

Do what the other posters say. Stay busy. Focus on yourself. Accept that you may be functioning on a day-to-day basis.

i understand exactly how you feel. i kept my kids away from ow as long as i possibly could.

my kids do get along with ow. i have told my kids, as well as their father has told them, if ow ever ever does anything to hurt them in any way they are to tell us and it will be dealt with. i know that although she is a narcissistic pig in my opinion, she is good to them. my ex takes care of any discipline, i think she is pretty much on the sidelines. i know she smokes and as does my ex and i have made it clear i expect no smoking around my kids. can i control it? no.

BUT, my kids know what is right and what is wrong. they know what a marriage is supposed to be and that affairs are WRONG. they know that both their father and ow were the reason daddy is not here anymore.

as long as my kids know the truth, and know right and wrong, i have no issue with them getting along with ow. i do not want to make my issues their issues, they are not being disloyal to me by getting along with her. i am their mother and no one will EVER replace me to them. this i know.

hugs, i sure get how you feel.

mlhb

I know exactly what you are talking about with "triggers". I do pretty well with all of this as long as I don't hear too much about the OW and XH. Life goes by pretty easily and the anger dissipates. Then the XH does something, or says something and it is back and just as lethal as before.

I was plagued by dreams all night last night about the ex and the OW. It all started because I heard through the grapevine, that he is going on an Alaskan cruise with her this spring. This is after going back on a promise to help our DD16 get a car to drive. He tells the kids that I am raping him financially with child support and not letting him have them as tax deductions, then he pays for an Alaskan Cruise.

I called him and offered him the chance to keep his promise and help DD pay for her car. He refused, citing money issues. I then asked him about Alaska. He went postal. He called me an f-n B, a ****** and told me to F off and die. All of this, loud enough for our son to hear over the phone. Then he called me several times to lay into me some more. The icing on the cake is that he left a message this morning that he will take legal action if I don't stop calling and harrassing him.

I could really hate this man. It is all that I can do to not hate him. He really shouldn't call me a slut, either, esp. when he is sleeping with one.

I handled it pretty well last night. I didn't lose my temper, or curse at him. I didn't even raise my voice. I just reminded him that I am the mother of his children and I hope he didn't mean what he said about me dying since I am their mom. I also told him that I don't expect it, but, he knows that he owes me an apology for what he said to me.

Isn't is crazy how much these cheaters change from the decent people they used to be? I don't even recognize the man I used to love anymore.

he is not the man you once knew at all. either is mine, altho i think mine was more so than i thot before, i just chose not to see how much of an ahole he was.

mine actually drove up to my house this past spring in a new vehicle. he owed me 4 months worth of child care expenses from when he was gone to iraq. (he has to pay 100%) i kept all receipts and he had the nerve to tell me "i don't know when i can pay you, i am really broke right now" i looked at him and said "you tell it to a judge then that you can't pay me. i am sure he will love to know you are driving a new car but cannot afford to pay me." i had the money the next day.

they are selfish arrogant jerks. mine also owed my kids 2500 dollars from some other pay he had gotten. we go to support court and he can actually look at the judge with a straight face and say he doesn't have the money to pay the 2500, he would have to do payments! mind you, he had gotten paid 20,000 dollars for being in iraq (the married rate, glad ow benefitted from my being still married to him) and 10,000 in a retro active bonus he was due. so, 30,000 plus his regular pay and he didn't have 2500 to give to his kids. but he could buy a new car, and ow got a new one, an ow bought a house, etc... it is called effed up priorities.

hang in there, you are the better person. AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TALKED TO LIKE THAT EITHER. you calmly tell him when he can talk to you in a civil manner you will talk and that hang up the phone. you never have to listen to that crap. i have hung up on mine plenty of times when he starts running his mouth. he is learning i will not tolerate being talked down to like i am a nothing anymore. don't tolerate it.

mlhb

I was just proud of myself for keeping calm and not losing my temper with him. I used to be very reactionary but I have learned that calm works so much better. I just hope that he wakes up and puts the kids first some day. I am not holding my breath but hope isn't bad. I will always put my kids first. I always have. They know that I am here to stay and that my love for them is eternal.

It was kind of funny how quickly he went off and how angry he got. Guess guilt is a bugger to live with.

Loni

I really hate that the kids seem to be OK with the OW now. Don't they remember what happened or do they just not care anymore? Will there ever be a time when I don't care about this?

Loni

Loni,

Try to keep in mind this isn't about your kids.It is all about you and your ex.Sure it would be great if the kids rallied around us, flying banners that said "OW is a bimbo!!" and stuff like that but truth is,they are trying to make the best of a bad situation.And they really don't fully comprehend it on an adult level since they are so innocent and inexperienced.We all know the horror and disgust of what they did but kids just see their parents as that,parents,and flawed.They still love us too which allows them to forgive very easily.

Most times they have to be around the OP just so they can also be around their parent.So they are stuck and try not to make waves.In my case,the OW has a couple of cats so that made it all seem more easy going to them.They could play with the animals. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I do think there will be a time it won't matter so much.And I was one where it mattered a huge deal.If I can let go,so can you.It will take time to adjust.It doesn't make it right in any way, shape or form,you just kind of do a serenity prayer type of thinking.Afterall that hoopla for me,the OW doesn't see much of my kids now anyway.Just doesn't seem to work out schedule wise even though OW is living with my ex.Funny how that happened after I didn't care as much.ha!

Hang in there~

Thanks AB. I feel better knowing that I won't care about it forever. I guess I just fear that I will be the only one left who thinks that this was a horrible disgusting way to treat a wife. I really wish that life would be incredibly hard for the cheaters because that seems like justice. But, I forgot my own belief in that what you put out there comes back to you 10 fold. God knows what they did. He knows all of the lies and hurtful words and actions that they took against me. I have to relax and know that He is in charge of "justice" not me.

Thanks
Loni