What should happen when a WSO doesn't consistently adhere to boundaries? I have asked him a number of times to keep me abreast of his plans. I have explained that surprises are stressful and are sometimes a trigger.

Tonight, he left with one destination. Before he reached said destination, the plan changed due to someone else. He told me all this when he came home.

Is it too much to ask for consistent adherence?

You can't control nor define his boundaries. You can only control and define those of yourself and your children. There is no teaching a WS.

Work on your boundaries and when his conflict (for the right reason), then consider implementing plan B. That assuming you have identified your boundaries, secured your finances, have a working support group, put your mind and heart in sync, completed a good plan A and ready to move forward w/o the WS in your life.

L.

I should clarify that he's a FWSO not a WSO.

Orchid,
Does that change your response?

No. Why is he a FWSO if he has the attitude of an WSO?

L.

Balm,

What should happen when a WSO doesn't consistently adhere to boundaries? I have asked him a number of times to keep me abreast of his plans. I have explained that surprises are stressful and are sometimes a trigger.

"Keep me abreast of plans" is not a boundary. It's vague. It has no way to be enforced. "Explaining" that surprises are stressful is also NOT a boundary.

Boundaries are non-negotiable. Boundaries are specific....very specific. They protect you and are about your safety....therefor they must be defended. They define what is and is NOT tolerable and exactly where that line resides.

So....what IS your boundary about "plans"?

What "plans" are you talking about?

What is a natural consequence, or the decision you plan to make to protect yourself he he fails to and ignores your boundary?

Tonight, he left with one destination. Before he reached said destination, the plan changed due to someone else. He told me all this when he came home.

This CAN be a boundary issue.....but you have to make one. At what point did this plan become intolerable to you? Without making threats, ultimata or promised punishment....what can YOU do to protect yourself if he tramples this boundary?

Is it too much to ask for consistent adherence?

If "adherence" isn't well defined....and your boundary is fuzzy or uninforceable....then it doesn't matter if it's too much to ask or not....it just won't work. He'll find loop holes. Right now....all he risks is your insecurity or anger if he doesn't comply....neither one protects you or makes you responsible for enforcing your own boundaries.

So....let's back up a bit. You only have a couple of posts....and you talked about some cell phone bills....did you actually discover an affair? Has your husband established no contact? That's an important BOUNDARY! You say he's a former WS.....so when did the affair occur....and how did it end? If he's proven untrustworthy and cheated on you....then you may want more accountability on his whereabouts too....so how do you intend to enforce that boundary if he won't be upfront about his time or money? It sounds to me like you've already TOLERATED it....which makes your boundary confusing and weak. Don't expect him to enforce your boundary.....especially if he's a wayward spouse!!

Balm.....you need to feed in the details so that we have a better idea of what you're asking.

Good luck chere.