Just when I thought I wouldn't have to post here anymore...

Brief rundown: 5 months ago, WH had what he says was a no-intercourse brief affair. He continues to deny that he had sex w/ OW--says he "couldn't perform." I have doubted the truth of this, but have put it to the back of my mind and kept on trucking. He lost two jobs because of the affair, and we're now having to move b/c the house we're in was a benefit of one of the jobs.

I saw a friend yesterday I hadn't talked to in a while-- actually since WH's affair--I had no idea that she was friends w/ OW. We talked briefly about WH's infidelity, and I told her that I doubted the truth about WH's sex story, and she said that I was wise not to believe it. She has heard OW's side of story, and knows the truth.

So now, I'm back to square one. I haven't told WH about it, b/c he will continue to deny it. I believe, after extensive reading, that WH has Narcissitic Personality Disorder, and will lie about anything and everything. I've seen him tell lies and eventually believe them. I think that's what he's done with his A. He believes that he didn't have sex with her.
And now, he seems to think the move will make everything better. I don't know how it will, with this beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt knowledge I have floating around in my brain.

I dreamed last night that someone gave me a life insurance policy that my father had left for me. I said in the dream, "Thank God, now I can leave." The dream, and the confirmation of my heart-felt belief that they did have sex, have left me feeling hopeless and worthless. So much so that I don't want to move with this man, but since I have nowhere to go, I have to move. Is that a good thing? Maybe I can forget about it, and we can start over, but I am not hopeful about it right now.

I don't think that is narcissistic, but rather delusional. Perhaps he has convinced YOU that he really believes his lies, but I don't believe he believes it unless he is truly mentally ill, in which case he needs help.

I don't know that to tell you about the other. I see the LEAST of your problem his lie about having intercourse. [what difference does it make since he told you he "tried?" that is the same as doing it] Lying is just an expectation, given the other things you have said about him.

So, instead of being concerned about yet another lie from a liar, why not focus on accepting him how he really is and accepting the fact that you can't change a person against his will. If you know he is like this and he has always been like this, there is nothing you can do to change him.

Acceptance of that truth should lead you to the next question, which is: can I live with a chronic liar?

I see what you're saying about the borderline of delusion and him just making sure that I believe what he's telling me. That makes sense--I don't think he's delusional. I've known he's a liar for most of the 17 years we've been together. I just didn't realize to what extent. I had my head in the sand about him for so many years, and it wasn't until six years or so ago that I realized what kind of person he was. Call me stupid or whatever, I was simply blinded by love and my desperate need to be loved (which I had at the time we were married.) But when the A happened, I trusted that he had told me the truth, and I believed him for a while. But my gut just told me that it wasn't right. I guess it's just important for me to know what happened. He makes it sound like he couldn't perform because of thinking about me and the kids, which now I know is baloney.

The other thing about the honesty thing is that when we did our EN survey, Honesty was WAY up there for him--me being honest with him...

I don't know what else to say--there's no real good solution for my problem. I guess I just had to vent about finding out that my hunch was right. I knew I could get it off of my chest here.

mama4,

I am sorry to see you back here. I had been praying that things were going well.

I guess you are going to have to spend some time praying and finding out what God will allow you to do next. I know you've read lots on this and I think the book Love Must Be Tough by Dobson would be useful for you.

You are the only one who can decide what to do about this. I know that you are SATM and so finances are an issue...

I'll be here for you to vent to...

IHC

Thanks, IHC--I've been praying for you as well, and read some of your updates. It sounds as if you're getting some self-confidence back, and that's wonderful! I can only imagine what it feels like to be yourself again. I still feel so ashamed, and I'm not the one who did anything wrong. We live in a really small town, and people still look at me like they feel so sorry for me, and I HATE it! Plus, this semester, OW's mother is one of my oldest daughter's teachers, and I have to meet with her at least once this semester--I should make WH do it!

After we get moved, maybe I can get a copy of LMBT from our library. I just checked, and they have a copy. And you're right--finances is one thing that hinge on me even thinking about Plan B'ing WH. He hasn't even gotten a job in these five months--we've been living on borrowed money. He's chosen a self-employment career, one he did years ago and if I hadn't been working then, we would've starved. It's similar to farming when it comes to being successful at it--It wouldn't do me any good to go back to work--my check would go to paying child care for the three younger ones.

I feel like God is telling me to just wait, wait, wait, and he'll show me a miracle when the time is right. But now, I feel as if he's forgotten me--but I guess I'm in a place where I'm still so angry at Him, so I've forgotten Him, too.

I can't post much--WH is home most of the time, and would be FURIOUS if he knew I was on here. I have to erase the web address from the history, because he has the nerve to check where I've been!

Thanks, IHC--

m4

mama4,

I will keep checking on you, so when you get a chance, put in an update. It really helps to be able o talk to others that know how and what you are feeling and experiencing.

Also, can you e-mail without him seeing? If so, I would give you my e-mail so you could at least contact someone privately without too much worry from him.

Blessings, IHC

1. Stop giving into his fears. He is afraid you post here, tell him to give you the support you need so you don't have to post here. Mine babble the same and when I spewed back what I just told you, he shut up and started working on himself. re: He knew he wasn't doing his best.

2. From what you wrote, your H is a bad liar. That's a good thing. Trust you gut.

3. Tell him something don't smell right and let him go figure out what it is. That exercise will give him a lesson in life and he will find out that being married to you without being truthful, isn't fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi M4

I'm sorry things haven't changed for you but I'm glad you are back.

Guess what, I have a copy of LMBT that I was just getting ready to give away. If you email me your address again, I'll send it.

No highlights or underlines in this one.

BTW-I have only 5 more chemo treatments left (but who's counting?)