Hello,

Here’s a little about my current situation. My GF and I are both 26 years old now. We’ve been going out approx. 3 years. And around the 2 years & 3 months mark into our relationship I decided it would be a good idea for us to take a break from each other.

We were both reaching that marriage stage in our life and I just wanted to be sure that I was ready for this next big step. I’m not going to lie but I’m nervous about marriage because it’s the rest of my life with this person; so I just wanted to be sure.

We had our occasional fights just like every other relationship does. Most of our fights always came back to this one thing. I don’t like to show emotion or say “I love you” all the time and be very affectionate. That wasn’t how I was raised so it’s hard for me to show love that way; my family is the same way. So her side of these discussions is that she wanted to know that she was a priority to me and that I choose her and I’m not settling for her. In my eyes she was a priority to me and I did choose her; I wasn’t settling. She said it was hard for her to see this since I don’t always show it.

This is what led me to decide it was time for a break after so many conversations about the same topic I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to see if time apart is what we both needed. She did a lot a crying and at first she didn’t understand why I was doing this. The break lasted for about 3 months. We still saw each other occasionally to meet up for dinner and talk, but on the weekends we didn’t hang out with each other. I thought the break was good for us; we started to understand each other, and saw how we do miss each other. When we finally decided to get back together and give this another shot. At the beginning things were going fine, but then she told me that she felt resentment towards me. She said she went on the break because that’s what I needed but she said she never wanted it; this was all on me and what I wanted only. She said there were night were she would just cry because she didn’t understand. She also felt resentment because she thought I was settling for her.

I would sometimes hang out with my friend’s maybe 1 day on the weekend, and the other day with her, and I would see her a couple days during the week too sometimes. During the beginning of our relationship she was always down to go out with my friends and their girlfriend’s, but towards the end of the relationship she changed. She started saying I just want to stay in tonight, I’m tired, I have a lot of work to do, and I don’t like to go out all the time anymore. However, I compromised with her by staying in sometimes with her and going out without her sometimes because she told me it’s alright to go out without her. She would also go out sometimes but it seemed like she really wanted to almost like I was making her go out. Sometimes we wouldn’t even hang out with each other that long when I stayed in with her; she would fall asleep so early and then I’m sitting there watching TV by myself. I like to go out and I think we are still young enough to do this. Sometimes she acts like she’s an old lady already; I’m tired, sleepy, just want to stay in tonight, I don’t want to drink tonight.

The thing that kills me is that when she goes out with her friends she stays out all night, drinks, has a good time, and never complains to them about getting home early. I don’t know if this is because she didn’t know if I thought she was a priority or I was settling for her that made her act this way around me.

She also brought up that I never showed her any commitment towards her that would make her think that this relationship was moving forward. But the only two options we could come up with that would show her I’m committed is either move in with her or get engaged. She also wanted to know some type of time frame, but I didn’t have an answer for her I just didn’t know when. I thought it would just happen naturally and let life take its course, but she said I can’t just sit around all the time I have to make a decision or have some type of idea. I agree with her on this, but I just didn’t have an answer for her.

The whole reason for the break and me having doubts in our relationship is I just want to be sure I’m making the right decision because this will affect the rest of my life. I rather clear up all my doubts now than to go through this 10 years down the road when we are married and have children.

Anyway, now onto the cheating. For the past 2 weeks I’ve been staying at her apartment because my house was having construction done and I couldn’t stay there. The first couple of days were fine, we got along, and it was fun being around each other. But then later in the week all we would do is talk about my commitment towards her, how she felt I was settling for her because all my friends don’t go out anymore and just hang out with their girlfriends, and how it took my friends to get girlfriends for me to put her as a priority. She had a lot of resentment towards me.

So this past Saturday we decided to take the night off and just go out with our friends since we’ve been spending so much time together. She went out with her friend that was seeing some guy and a couple of this guy’s friends. Anyway, she ended up going home with one of the guy’s friend and she slept with him.

I had her password to her myspace account and the next day I saw some messages to her friend talking about how “one night stands were fun”, and “it was amazing to have sex with no emotional attachment”. She also said “but remember technically I still have a boyfriend. LOL”. I know it’s not right to check her messages, but I was getting suspicious about her and I have to look out for myself in the end. Every time I read those words it makes my stomach turn.

I confronted her about this and she denied at first, of course, she finally got me in tears and I told her I saw the messages and she finally admitted she did do it. She felt bad and started crying; I couldn’t even look at her or have her touch me. I felt disgusted she would do this and I didn’t even want to tell anybody because I feel embarrassed for her as well as myself. She just kept saying I’m sorry. She told me she poured her heart out for me for years and all she ever wanted was me to want her like she wanted me. And I told her I had doubts that I needed to clear up. I never cheated on her because this is something I think that could ruin a relationship. She always said if I wanted to end our relationship all I had to do is sleep with a girl. I never did, but I can’t understand why she did this to me.

I was never very emotional towards her but I always was there for her if she needed anything; money, a favor, anything that I can do I was there. This is what was easy for me to show her that I cared. Saying I love you and being cute and cuddly is not who I am.

I’m afraid to tell my friends because I know they will tell me I’m an idiot if I try staying with her. I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if I can look at her anymore and try to make this work or just tell my friends for some comfort and leave her.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to walk away from her. In a way I can see that how I acted by not putting her as a priority, not showing long term commitment towards her, or wanting her as much as she wanted me could have drove her to do this. But should I take some blame for this?? I told her that after all we’ve been through I would never have done this to her, and I don’t get why she did this to me.

I had for the most part a normal upbringing my parents still are together and everyone in my family gets along fine. Her family is a lot different and she has her own issues. She tells me she cries some days and she doesn’t even know why she is crying. Her real dad died over drugs when she was young. And she told me that I deserve better than her. She said that her life is all messed up and nothing ever goes right in her life. She always has thoughts racing through her head and she can’t stop thinking about them. She has gone to therapists before and she said they just didn’t help her. She said it’s hard for her to see herself in a positive way; she has no confidence. She said her mom is the same way as her and that she hid this from me for as long as she could but in the end no body can ever love her because the way she is. She hates how her life is and says she just wants to be normal.

When she gets like this and starts crying I just give her the space she needs until she gets over this. She has such a good heart and I think this is what kept me here for so long even after all we’ve been through. I think this is what makes it so hard for me to walk away. She deserves to have a good happy life and for someone to love her the way she loves so many (friends & family & me). She just needs help controlling the racing thoughts in her head, see positive in herself, and stop crying for no apparent reason.

I told her she has to look and do some research online to find someone who could really help her and not to give up. I tell her all the good in her life and how her life is just like everyone else’s. She just has a hard time seeing it herself. I’m not a therapist so there is only so much I can say to help her. I think with a professional she can find happiness within herself.

If anybody has any recommendations on someone in the NJ/NY area it will be greatly appreciated.

But when she’s happy, smiling, and telling me how good her day was. I love seeing her in that light because I can see how she really is when so many people don’t understand her.

I don’t know if I’m staying here because I love her or that I feel bad for her and I don’t think she deserves to live a life by herself.

These were some of the doubts I had with her and why I’ve been hesitant moving the relationship forward. Some of the questions that run through my mind are will she be a good mother? Will I be able to deal with this for the rest of my life? Will she get better? Will our children have the same issues she has? Is this how I really want my life to be.

Sorry for the long post, but any input would be appreciated.

Thank you, again.

olimits7

The crux of the matter:

"She said that her life is all messed up and nothing ever goes right in her life. She always has thoughts racing through her head and she can’t stop thinking about them. She has gone to therapists before and she said they just didn’t help her. She said it’s hard for her to see herself in a positive way; she has no confidence. She said her mom is the same way as her and that she hid this from me for as long as she could but in the end no body can ever love her because the way she is. She hates how her life is and says she just wants to be normal."

You cannot make her normal. You cannot fix her, change her, or save her. You cannot love her enough to make these fundamental problems in her go away.

Yes, some of this is "poor me" and some of it is "if I cry about my miserable existence he will stop asking me about my running around." But there are some very obvious truths in there. Pay attention.

You are not ready for marriage either.

IMO, which includes your original doubts about this relationship in the first place - listen to your gut, it's usually right - you should let her go.

I say this from the same experience. Almost to the same words you use.

Be prepared for her to cling for a while though. Fear of an unknown future, mainly. But stand your ground. You deserve much better.

With prayers,

Why is it that people think that separating will help them improve their relationship?

For all the people out there who've said "I just need space or time 2 think", I'd like 2 offer them some space - about 200 miles straight up. Hard vacuum. Good for the consti2tion.

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes it grow absent.

Neither of you is marriage material.

Let each other go.

-ol' 2long

Years ago, I was where you are right now, except in my case my GF had a bit more than a ONS with the OM. We decided to stick together.

In our 15 year M, we probably had about 5 good years, most of those at the beginning, and she cheated much much worse on me a few years ago, this time bringing the OM into our home and into our bed. With two children and the life we've built together, it's a bit difficult to just walk away, so we're trying to recover something of our M, but I don't think the doubts I have now will ever disappear.

Walk away, and establish NC with her. That's the best advice that I can give you.

If you are having troubles right now, and you are not married, imagine the troubles you will have after you do get married... I have always called marriage a magnifying glass... it amplifies everything.

Walk away and let her cheat on someone else. Don't push this any further and risk making it worse by something like kids.

olimits,

You are hearing yet again from another man, that had some issues with his fiancee in his 20's. The advice you have been given is dead on. Walk away. You two don't fit for some reason and her cheating on you means she won't have a hard time replacing you.

Your gut was right, the separation and the subsequent ONS are clear indicators that she is NOT THE ONE. Marriage is something you should WANT to do. It is something you grow into which means to me, that you recognize your future W's faults, but they are something that does really bother you compared to her attributes. You can forget changing them when married.

At your young age, walk away NOW. You will be doing both of you a huge favor.

God Bless,

JL

Hello,

Thank you for all your replies. It's very helpful for all of you to share your past experiences.

Just have a couple questions on your views and personal experience on the following:

I know relationships aren't easy, and marriages are even harder than just dating because it's a lot harder to just walk away. But I thought relationships need hard work and communication for them to be successful.

From your guys/gals experiences, what was the turning point when it wasn't worth trying anymore to work on the relationship?

For example, with my current situation I know I wasn't showing the emotional needs she needed, and I held back a lot that I should have told her like I did choose to be her and she wasn't someone I was just settling for. Now I see that I do really care about her.

Is it still worth just walking away at this point? What do you think from your own experiences?

Thank you, again.

olimits7

You aren't even married yet... and yet as soon as she felt like it, she ran off to some place and has sex... err cheated on you with someone she didn't care about. Do you think if you treated her better, you could cure her of her low morals? I said that of my STBXW, and she still stabbed me in the back as soon as the urge hit her.

Let me phrase it this way... you already know what she will do once you don't act perfectly, conform yourself to exactly what she wants... marriage isn't going to magically cure her of this problem.

Consider yourself lucky you found out now what kind of person she really is. This is her fault, not yours. Maybe she should have talked to you about what she wanted, not... well you know.

Hello,

I understand were your coming from, but she did tell me what she wanted plenty of times.

And me being the tough/cold guy that I am; I just tried to avoid the conversations, I didn't make an effort to try to do what she asked, and just brushed it under the rug like it wasn't that important.

Now I can see that it was very important and that both of us have to do things that are "out of the box" for us tom make this relationship work. I just ignored this and didn't think I had to change.

This is why I feel that it's my fault. I don't think that what she did was right, but if it doesn't work with her at least I know for my future relationships.

Thanks again,

olimits7

Her cheating was NOT your fault. That was HER choice. Think of it this way - she's now demonstrated to you what she might do in the "worst of times" during your M, as my FWW did to me prior to our M.



It's your choice, but I can tell you that you will feel a HUGE hit to your self-esteem if her pattern of behaviour repeats itself again, particularly after you're M'd as, not only would you have to deal with cheating, you'll also have to fact that you CHOSE to stay and have a LTR with someone who's already shown you that they will cheat on you. Speaking from experience, that is not a very nice position to be in at all.

Your call of course. But she's at bat and the count is 0 and 2.

Think about this for a bit. What will happen during a stressful period, after 2'nd childbirth around say, 10 years into a marriage with her? Not what you hope springs eternal, but what you think will actually happen based on past actions.

The best predictor of the future is the past, you know. For both of you.

With prayers,

Whatever you do, if you do decide to marry her,

1. make sure she has figured out this voice in her head thing, and she addresses her FOO issues.
2. attend rigorous premarital counseling together, and have a minimum 9 month formal engagement.
3. grow up fast. You.

Then why did you separate 2 get your [censored] 2gether and improve your relationship with her?

And, now that she's demonstrated rather dramatically what she does when she feels ignored, why do you want 2 take the relationship 2 the next level?

Those of us who've been married for many years (31 for me) have pretty high stakes 2 consider in deciding whether 2 try 2 save versus end our marriages.

But you don't have those stakes, and yet you're all 2 willing 2 take a huge chance with this woman.

The best predictor for fu2re behavior is past behavior, un42nately.

Think carefully,
-ol' 2long

First of all, you aren't even married and already seem to be having a lot of troubles. You should have walked out the door the second she cheated on you, period. Do you honestly think that if you treat her JUST so that she won't cheat on you in the future...

Let me tell you my story.

I was dating my STBX roughly 14 years ago. I knew about past infidelity, with previous boyfriends, times she tried to steal away married men away from their wives. I ignored all of these signs, mainly because I thought WE WERE DIFFERENT... I thought keeping her happy would be enough, that her past wouldn't haunt us in the future. Where did my ignoring her past indiscretions get me...

fast forward...

I slowly over the next 13 years, became her maid. I waited on her hand and foot, I tiptoed around her feelings, afriad to make her mad. I cooked for her, cleaned the house for her, tried my hardest to keep her happy... I did her laundry, took care of the kids all by myself... all because I believed I had to keep her happy.

What happened... the last year of my marriage, she cheated on me with 2 different men, that I know of. I found myself trying to explain to a five and two year old why Mommy and Daddy couldn't live together anymore... and kids that age don't understand decisions like mine to leave the marriage.

Long story short, do what you want. Dating is a way to try on different people to see if they are who you want to spend the rest of your life with. If while you are dating, she cheats on you... take that as a really good sign of how your marriage will probably end. There is no greater pain, at least in my life, of the pain my X inflicted on me when she cheated on me, had sex with another MM in the family car, then said oops. My world came to an end, my childrens lives changed for ever the minute she unstrapped their car seats so she could have her guy in the back seat.

We all make decisions, you should see this cheating incident as a gift from God and run as fast as you can in the other direction. If she is having this ONS kind of crap now, imagine it will continue after the wedding, and you start to bore her.

Oh, and unless someone had a gun to her head, the cheating was her fault, and not yours. You have to understand that. She would have cheated on you whether or not you were listening to her.

Good luck

olimits,

You are NOT understanding why everyone is telling you to walk away. Yes, it is about her affair, but you just gave the BEST reason to walk away.

You said
In short you were immature and you really didn't care what she thought. Hence you should not be married and you should not be married to her. Further,She feels it is alright to cheat on YOU.


Nope you have it wrong young man. Doing the right thing in a marriage is NOT OUT OF THE BOX. It is what you WANT to do. You said earlier that you know marriage is hard work. I have been married over 30 years and it is NOT hard work. It does take communications, but it also takes love, caring, and wanting to be married. It can be frustrated, and you can and will doubt yourself even in a good marriage, but it is NOT hard to be with someone you love. It is not a sacrifice to see them smile and be happy. You see you are really not quite old enough to be married, yet because you still see it as MALE vs. FEMALE. It really is not that. It is male complementing female and female complementing male. As the Bible describes it, you become one.

As you continue to mature and see more things I believe you will see what I am talking about. Marriage is more that lust, it is more than "yes dear", it is more than you do your part, and i will do mine. It is truly a partnership. When you find the right woman, you won't have to act like a man, she will know you are a man. You won't have to decide to spend time with her over "the guys" you will know you prefer time with her, although you can and should go out with the guys sometimes.

But, most of all you won't be worrying about marriage. You will know it is what you want, and you will know who you want it with. Anything less and don't bother getting married. I can tell you from extensive experience there are a lot of women out there, and many of them will be a good fit for you.


If you think her affair is your fault, you haven't learned enough for a future relationship yet. The state of your relationship you have some ownership in, the affair was all her.

olimits, trust me, when it is right you will know it. If it is not you will have doubts. You KNOW this is not right and you knew it before her affair.

Part of maturing is facing yourself and trusting your gut, because you know yourself well.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL