Hello,

A few months back, my wife told me that we should consider seeing other people. At this point, we were both mutually dissatisfied with the relationship. Shortly after she told me she was sleeping with another guy. Emotionally devastated by this fact, I did a little soul searching to figure out what it was that had ruined our relationship. Realizing I had been emotionally uninvolved for the last couple of years, I sought psychiatric help and began taking medication to treat a genetic bi-polar tendency.

Moving forward to the current, my wife is still emotionally and physically involved with the other guy. I have been following the advice given on this website about saving a marriage on your own. You know, being supportive in all matters and avoiding causing stress and pain to my wife, as well as not being accusatory and making sure she doesn't feel like I am upset with her for doing what she is doing.

So the current state of our relationship is rather tedious, she says she loves me like a friend or family member, but has trouble seeing herself being intimate with me. She states that the new guy is the only person she could ever be comfortable with intimately. I think/feel that if she would stop talking to the new guy and give me a chance to satisfy all her needs, we can have a very mutually gratifying relationship, but she is unwilling to consider the difficulties we are having right now as anything less than permanent.

I know that because of my previous non-involvement in the relationship, she is in the driver seat for now, and I also feel logically comforted by the fact that new guy is going to have trouble meeting any of her needs beyond the physical. So, I can logically force myself to wait, but it is emotionally taxing, and psychologically difficult to remain supportive and un-stressful when she expresses joy and happiness about her relationship with him.

Am I crazy for doing what I am doing? Should I just move on and accept failure? Or maybe I box new guy in the nose and tell him to leave my wife alone (he doesn't know she is still married).

More detail available upon request,
DP - Baltimore, MD

Hi DP -

(Emphasis mine)

Whoa....I think you took a wrong turn there, friend. If you want your marriage, and value fidelity, you should most definately let her know that her actions are upsetting you!

I think you're confusing avoiding LB's (Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements and Selfish Demands) with appeasement.

You need to let her know that her adultery hurts and upsets you - but you need to do it without LB (Love Busters).


Fog talk. Fantasy. Justification. It's all rubbish.


And as long as she has contact with OM, she never will consider your current difficulties anything less than permanent. If she did, she wouldn't be able to justify continuing her A, would she?

No Contact for life. Without that, you're chances to successfully recover your marriage (a truly loving, thriving, mutually happy marriage) are zilch.


She is only in the driver's seat as long as you let her be. How long do you intend to let her run your life?

Whatever contributions you made to your marriage that left it vulnerable to an affair, you are NOT responsible for her choice to have an affair.

Get back in the driver's seat. You want this marriage, you need to fight for it.

1. Expose the affair to anyone who can influence either your W or the OM. If he is married, expose to his wife.
2. Plan A. Read about the carrot and stick of Plan A here.
3. You might want to start considering Plan B, since Plan A is only effective about 15% of the time.

Also, read Longhorn's For Newly Betrayed Spouses thread.


You are not crazy to want to save your marriage. But it takes a lot of hard work.

Please give us more details to your situation as well - ages, how long married, kids (if any), how long has the affair been going on, when did you find out about it, etc. The more info you share, the more we can help.

hey dp,

sorry we have to meet this way. regardless, welcome to the site. i probably can't offer the best advise, but there are pro's around here who can definatly help you out.

what i can tell you is to get ready for a long painful ride if saving your marriage is something you decide you want to do. which kind of brings meto the next thing, is saving your marriage something you want to do? you didn't mention how long you have been married or if you have children.

my personal advice to you is this. if you don't have children, turn around and run like the wind and never, ever look back. you will find someone new. no matter how bad things were, having an affair was not the answer. and although you may have not been there emotionally for your wife, her affair is not your fault.

hang tight, i am sure more insightful people will be along shortly.

TTG