Thanks everybody. I do truly appreciate the support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have 4 important appointments today:

1) Dr. to see about anti-depressants

2) Lunch with my work group

3) Bank to deposit 1/2 joint checking money in new account

4) Counseling appointment

I'm still on the fence with doing anything financially. I don't want to create a huge LB during this time but I no longer want to support the affair. Plus I don't want her to clean me out. I don't think she'd do it but I also didn't think she'd ever have an affair. I switched vehicles. I now have the more expensive vehicle because I know she cannot afford it on her own. Personally I'm not sure how she is going to live on her own. But she is the one who originally wanted move out, split the bills, and get her own checking account. She still hasn't fully completed that task. This will undoubtedly accelerate that, I think.

I did notice she's not at work. She got back in to town late last night, about 11pm. She was supposed to show up at work at 4:30am. I'm trying not to speculate why she wouldn't be there. It is hard not to. Part of me thinks she just might be tired. Part of me thinks she's embarassed or scared to go to work because she may believe others now know, even though her boss told me he could do nothing (she doesn't know that though). And an even bigger part of me believes she took the day off to "take care of things" like getting the rest of her things out of my house and possibly filing for divorce. I know I shouldn't read into things or be concerned about her actions. I'm trying, unsuccessfully, I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As for my plan to save my marriage, I have read as many books as I can, I have looked for advice from many on this board, I have seeked counsel from support groups and my counselor. I admit I am still very scared, still very impatient, and still very confused. I feel my plan should be to continue plan A, be as nice as I can to WW when possible, not speak of our nmarriage, not speak of reconciliation. In my mind I have already forgiven my wife and even the OM. Surprisingly I am not mad anymore. I am still very hurt but not angry. I know I have to give "Plan A" a certain time limit. I guess my wedding anniversary date seems appropriate since that would almost exactly 6 months. So 6 months it is, if given that opportunity. I will continue to grow and work on myself. I feel I have scratched the surface with my own problems. I really felt I had fixed myself but I now know I have much to learn. I think this time away (truly away) will give me the chance to fix myself and learn what it takes to be a good husband.

Then tere is the chance she will be filing for divorce. I am trying to prepare myself for that possibility. I do feel this marriage is over. I still cling to some small hope we can work this out but I know this relies soley on my WW's decision. I want to believe my actions can still influence her one way or the other. I know I have to keep from doing any LB's even to the end and I will do so. I will not give any AO's and no DJ's.

I have not heard from her since D-day.

Your doing fine my friend

Though I don't have internet access at home (I do mostly at work) I will try to seek advice here before I react like I have been. That is my impatience getting the better part of me along with my emotions.

You can have those feelings as long as you can stop yourself before you LB. Doing this is a big part of Plan A.

Yea! Zanax and Effexor for meez! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well hopefully that will stabilize my moods. Not looking forward to having to take them but hey, if they help the rollercoaster ride otherwise known as my emotions...

Okay, JR, you're doing proactive things that will help you recover your marriage if anything can. When you set a time limit for Plan A, it told me you're in this for the long haul. Pardner, the hard work is just beginning, but you WILL come out of this better than you went in, believe me.

I have a question about why you are only depositing half of your salary in your own personal checking account. Why only half. I believe your wife works, right? Is she leaving half her salary check in the joint account? If she isn't, what's your rationalization for you doing that? At this point, with perfectly legitimate concerns the adultery is ongoing, I’m not entirely sure you should be worrying that pulling your finances out of the joint account is an LB. Frankly, your WW needs to understand that her poor choices have consequences…and having to deal with a lesser income is one of them. Since most people have financial security as one of their strongest emotional needs, it can be a strong weapon to make her face the obscenity she’s built in your lives. Tell us why you’re doing what you are with respect to the finances. There are undoubtedly things we don’t know about your situation.

Second, Plan A is often misunderstood by people initiating it. You do NOT become a doormat for her to wipe her feet whenever she becomes irritated in the coming months. I strongly suggest you read Pepperband’s “The Carrot And Stick Of Plan A.” Here’s a link to that thread.

[color:"blue"]Pepper's Carrot & Stick Of Plan A Thread [/color]

Additionally, you need to understand Plan A works only by indirect means. Most of the time, you’ll not be discussing “relationship” in Plan A, particularly in the early stages. Plan A works, when it does, by showing the wayward spouse how really attractive a person you are. That requires you to examine yourself, admit those things that you could have done better in past (months, years, etc.) and work to improve those areas.

Be careful about this though. Far too many betrayed spouses assume this means you accept the culpability for the problems that may, or may not, have led to the wayward one committing adultery. Your WW owns that particular bad decision and her alone. Nothing on God’s green earth justifies cheating, period. Paraphrasing Pepper from the above thread, never assume the mantle of guilt for your WW having done what she has done.

All right, now tell me about the things you are going to do to make yourself a more attractive spouse to draw your WW back to your side. For instance, how about beginning an exercise program to get rid of that inner tube developing around your waist…or even if you don’t have one. Exercise is a wonderful way to occupy both mind and body. The better condition you’re in, the better you can deal with both emotional and physical problems. Please consider it, okay?

Beyond that, what are some of the things you’ve always wanted to do to better yourself? Is there a class at the local community college you’ve always wanted to take? How about a seminar that would improve your image with your boss and help you along that road to promotion at work? How about sitting down and reading that series of classics you’ve always meant to but never have? How about taking up (or working on getting better at) golf, or tennis, or…whatever? Okay? See what I mean? In Plan A, you’re as courteous as you can be to your wife, etc., but you’re working on YOU more than anything else because when YOU are a better person, it makes you far more attractive to your WW.

A hint here: ask any woman you trust to verify this. Being wimpy, needy, and irresolute does NOT attract women. Neither does being an uncaring, crass brute. Get the picture?

Okay, six months for Plan A is about the average length of time Dr. Harley suggests for men dealing with a wayward spouse. It varies, based on what is happening with and between the two spouses, but you setting that time limit is a good thing. You may have to change your intention somewhere down the road, but setting the goal now is fantastic.

Understand, JR, Plan A doesn’t work in the majority of cases. I think Dr. Harley has said on his radio show that it only works about 15% of the time and that in 85% of the cases he handles, Plan B is needed. You have plenty of time to set out your goals for a Plan B, but keep it somewhere at the back of your mind that you may have to use it.

Finally, JR, I may have missed it, but I haven’t read of you protecting your interests by seeking advice from an attorney. Whenever I see a wayward spouse threatens divorce, it’s prudent for the betrayed one to protect his or herself. Being a nice guy when your wayward one has hired a cutthroat lawyer intent on lining his pockets with your money is insane. At least have some preliminary discussions with a good attorney, okay?

You’ve started down a hard road. It gets rockier. Expect it and be emotionally, mentally ready when it does! When sh1t happens, let the harsh words and things your WW will do slide off you like water off a duck’s back. Remember the alien. It’s the alien doing these things.

Hang in there, JR. There will be many MB folks out here who will work with you to get through this. You’re not alone.

Thx LH.

One thing that has been repeated is that I am not to be a doormat. I know I have been treated like one. My friends see it, my counselor sees it. I finally realized my WW had me in one hand and the OM in the other. Not anymore. Of course after the exposer I doubt she wants anything from me. I haven't heard from her in a couple days.

As for my finances. We have bills that come out automatically and a joint loan created through our joint checking account so I am unable to cut her off the account, take me off the account, or end the account all together. I may actually take more than half. You are right, she makes less than half of what I do. I'm still considering drawing up a formal Legal Separation as our accounts, bills, debt consolidation program, and currently trying to sell our house all kind of complicate us being separate.

As for what I am doing for myself. Lol, the tire I had is gone, lol. Not exactly the right way of doing it. I can't believe that from Thanksgiving to Christmas I lost almost 20 lbs, 18 to be exact. But I like it and I plan on keeping it off. I run almost daily with my dog. I do get out with friends more often. I am trying to learn how to play the guitar (I suck) and as soon as I pay off some bills I will return back to school. Hopefully I can start working on flying. I had been wanting to get my pilot's license and now that is definately an option. The most important thing to me is improving my relationship with God. I work on that daily, mostly through prayer and reading and studying the Bible.

Sounds like you are making a lot of progress jrlex...


AND, Longhorn it is so good to see you back in the fray!

Jrelx,


This will be your best decision of all. I have been doing the same thing.

It's a shame it took something like this for me to turn back to God like I have.

I'd stop worrying about why she's being dark and uncommunicative right now. The best reason for saying that is that you can't do anything about it right now. She’s dealing with a lot of problems brought on by the exposure and I suspect she’s not having a real good time right now. Now that the rock has been turned over, the pretty little fantasy world she was building isn’t looking so nice any more. People are seeing nasty, slimy insects under the rock instead of a beautiful fantasyland and that has some weight with her. It puts pressure on the adultery and pressure is what you’re looking for.

Also, a couple of days, even a couple of weeks or months, is nothing when you look at the big picture. From the other end of this period in your life, it'll seem inconsequential. Remember this isn’t a computer game and things won’t happen right after you push the <Enter> key. Things take time to percolate before they come to a boil and you begin seeing results.

How’s the talk with the attorney coming?

Unfortunately I haven't spoken with an attorney yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I will need to call one first thing Monday, I think.

I haven't heard from my WW since Wednesday, when I exposed the A. It is now Saturday. This is surprisingly the longest we have ever gone without speaking to each other. I cannot say I am really hurt by it. I think that's because the anger is finally kicking in as I am finally accepting the fact she committed adultery instead of trying to deny what everyone was telling me.

I am re-reading SAA and trying to pick up on anything I've missed. I was wondering if I should drop off a copy in my WW's mailbox. I suppose it's probably not a good idea right now.

I noticed today that my digital camera is missing along with all my marriage help material. I had a lot of printouts for surviving separation, working to save your marriage and some books. I had them in a drawer and it's all gone. Nothing else in the house is missing. My guess is my WW was looking for the proof that I have. Hmm, she was still denying it to the end, if she's so innocent why does she seem paranoid and why is she taking my papers and stealing my stuff?

I do feel a bit more in control now and I feel she is now in my shoes. I feel better, for now, and I think I'm starting to detach myself. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I want to save this marriage.

Sigh, the drama continues...

Okay, JR. You seem to be getting control of yourself a little better and you're doing some proactive things rather than reacting to the latest emotional trigger. That's good. Stay with it...and I think a little anger is a perfectly natural and useful emotion right about now. But, pardner, under no circumstances can you let it get the best of you, okay?

With regards to the digital camera and marriage help material, I assume those can be replaced and you haven't lost your evidence of her adultery. Your journal is safe in that backpack, right? If someone is going through your house, perhaps this is a good time to change the locks on the doors? Alternately, how about one of those tiny little spy cameras (a Nanny-cam, for instance)? It (or more than one) might be an interesting thing to secret in your bedroom and/or home office.

Whatever you do, copies of your documents probably should be made and stored securely -- in a safe deposit box, maybe?

Hang in there, JR. We're here with you.

I can store my evidence locked up in a safe place where she has absolutely no way of getting it. I will probably start copying my journal and keep one at work and one with me.

I still cannot believe this is happening. My anger grows but I keep it in check. I still want to work this out but I await her next move...

Post deleted by jrlex

JR,

I say to start protecting yourself legally NOW! If she is P, is there ANY way it could be yours, or to be more pointed, when was the last time you had SF and was there protection involved? Pregnancy tests are fairly accurate, but they can still be wrong as well. If you are certain that if she is, in fact, P, and that it couldn't be yours, get yourself to a lawyer. It may be the best investment of your life. At this time, you don't have any children together, and so, D'ing could be your best option. Find out legally what your rights and assumed obligations are NOW! Have it entered by the court that you want a DNA test done before you will admit to being the father. I know this sounds strange coming from the FWW with the OC, but there are times when you need to cut and run, and I feel that your situation is the perfect example. Yes, you made vows with your W, and have a fairly long history with her, but with how everything has been going, I'd say it's you best option right now.

Post deleted by jrlex

These days home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable as long as you follow the directions (and the directions are usually really easy -- pee on a stick).

I don't know how long she's been taking BC pills, but if she just started, they will usually test for pregnancy before writing a new prescription (though not for a continuing one).

If you last had SF in November, then she would be around 3 months along if it's yours. Some women do 'spot' and think they're having a cycle when they're first pregnant so you might not want to jump to conclusions until you have an estimate of how far along she is - a dr's appointment is in order. It's too soon for her to 'show' and not that horribly unusual that she would have missed the early signs if it's her first.

If it was me, I'd save the evidence (the test) and confront her with it. Ask her to let you go to the appointment with her for the consult part of the exam so you can ask questions. When you do, she may come clean and tell you that it's not yours or give some other information away.

Since there's at least a slight chance that it MIGHT be yours, I'd suggest you have a little patience until you can find out. Insist on a DNA test when it's born, of course, but I don't know what would happen - custody wise - if you divorce during the pregnancy then find out that it was yours all along.

Ugh. What an awful turn of events. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Mys

Post deleted by jrlex

jrlex don't panic,

You now know something is up, she may go visit her OBGYN to get another test done.

I had the same fear as you, my wife was out of town a lot with OM in july, late july I found in her browser a bunch of links to how do you tell your pregeant and how to calculate your cycle... either she was fearful of being or was trying to plan around her's as she doesn't take BC.

It never turned to be anything in my case, just more adultery.

Just stay strong, collect the data and store it don't dwell on it.

Remember 9 times out of 10 courts really don't want to hear dirty laundry so the data is only good for exposure and well somewhat for your own sanity.

If this child isn't yours, then that's pretty strong proof of infidelity.


At that point, why bother not being obvious? This is something you need an answer to. I know you couldn't prove it was 'from her' in court or something but at least you could confront her with known facts. Your not conducting a trial. You don't really need a standard of evidence you'd need in a court.


How do you know?


Once again, how do you know? What makes you think she hasn't missed -- because she told you?


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I guess I just don't understand this. Confront her! She may deny it. If she really is pregnant, then she can't deny it forever. I think you're better off confronting her and catching her off guard. You might get some truth by accident. If you wait for her to make up her own story, then you might have to wait much, much longer for the truth.

Like I said, you can't be 100% sure this child isn't yours yet. You need more information before you start doing anything drastic. How tragic it would be if you miss out on a good custody arrangment for your own child because you jumped the gun and torpedoed the relationship before you had your facts. Right now, information is the most important thing you can have.

Oh, and see an attorney NOW.

Mys