Clarify for us why you're trying to contact her? Is it for relationship talk, just going over finances, or what?

You've been getting advice from others and me to not shield your WW from the consequences of her adultery. With that in mind, how about examining all these bills and payment schedules, and this and that you're cooperating on. Are you helping her keep the adultery alive by providing her with a shelter against financial consequences?

What contract on the house are you talking about?

She's been wanting to split the bills for quite a while. We are finalizing this process. I see this as a must. It will keep me from being in one of her palms while the OM is in the other. Personally I don't see her surviving on her own. I will not help her. She will have to decide where to get help from. It may force her into the clutches of the OM but from what I understand this will force the two to live in reality and put much needed pressure on them.

I'm not sure why I want to contact her. I guess old habits die hard. I know relationship talk is out of the question seeing as she's said it is over.

The contract on the house: Our house is up for sale and has been since November. We have had a ton of lookers and only one lowball contract. We got another offer today and it looks more promising. I just want to break even since we have only lived in the house for 3 years.

Our financial situation:

3 vehicle loans,
1 consolidation loan,
1 mortgage,
2 separate Roth IRA's
$1200 owed in taxes this year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Everything is joint. Her plan was to split everything in half.

But, JR, if you sell the house and (legally?) divide up the bills, etc., what do you have left to bind you together? Forgive me, but it sounds like you're going along with a pre-divorce separation agreement.

I agree with the above: Find a middle ground when it comes to financial splitting. Split just enough to
1. Survive
2. Protect yourself
3. Leave the possibility of reconciliation open
4. Place her in a position to financially support herself

And NOTHING more.

When my wife said "Let's close the joint accounts" I kept my reply short "I'd like to keep them open". No "why" to it, no further explanation. I just went out and opened an individual account. I didn't send a message to her that I'm going along with severing our marital ties. But I protected myself...

That's the difference - do what you must to protect yourself and be cautious about the signals you send. Remember: You don't have to be honest with her at this point. You are not being honest with her, she shouldn't trust you! (i.e. You are going to snoop on her, do whatever it takes to save your marriage, possibly spring a Plan B on her at some point - NONE of these things need to be spilled to her)

We probably all despair and think "Oh ******, she's going to file for divorce." Don't believe everything you hear come out of her mouth. EVERY WW threatens divorce, especially right after exposure and confrontation. I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE.

A woman who wants a divorce goes out and gets one. An employed person does not have a problem getting a divorce. You don't talk divorce, you only talk marriage. You remind her when necessary that you do not desire a divorce.

Hang in there JR - post-exposure was the roughest 2-3 weeks for me and when it ended for me recently, the dynamics changed noticably.

I see. I guess I'm unsure at what I need to do then. We'd planned on and started to sell the house prior to us having problems. I am keeping the joint account open but she is handing over the check book. Other than that I have her on my medical insurance plan. Should I speak with her about anything? I feel I am done snooping. I really don't need anymore proof for myself. I feel like the ball is in her court and there is little to nothing I can do right now. She hasn't made any effort to contact me at all. I have restrained myself from just texting or calling or emailing just to try to chat. I'm sure it would fall on deaf ears right now anyways.

I sure don't know what to tell you, JR. Things keep popping up out of nowhere.

You say you and she had planned to sell the house before you started having problems. If the reason is it's simply beyond your means, that's one thing. But, if that wasn't what was pushing the decision, how do you know she hadn't begun detaching and indulging herself with an outside relationship long before you found out...perhaps before the house became an issue?

Well I just got served divorce papers this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I couldn't get in to see the lawyer I was refered to until Wednesday.

In the temp order I am to have no contact with my wife, even through 3rd party. So now it would seem there is nothing I can do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ugh! I feel like crap! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry to hear the news. I hope you don't mind me asking something because I'm confused -- why are you ordered not to have contact with her? Is there some sort of restraining order? If so, on what grounds? You might be able to fight that.

Mys

There is a permanant restraining order keeping me from coming within 100 ft of her. I have no idea why. It would appear she filed 2 days after I exposed the affair. So it looks like my exposure did in fact cause her to file. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Now all I can do is hope my lawyer can keep me from having to pay any sort of alimony. In the temp order she is trying to get me to pay all the consloidation loan in lieu of alimony.

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that. That sucks. Of course you have to comply with the order.


Definitely fight hard for your own interests. I don't know what you can do without any contact (even through a third party) to turn this around. I just don't even know what to say -- except I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Mys

Check with your attorney. In some states, you don't have to pay alimony if there is an affair.

I'm very sorry to hear that news JR - I feel for you. My prayers go out to you.

It may not be over, realize that. Even a D does not mean the end. Let's see how things go in the next few days - keep your head up.

So sorry JR

Please don't feel like crap-the alien brain lives in every WS
and this seems to be just one of the things they do to justify their actions.

Don't do anything until you have spoken to your lawyer.

Go to the courthouse and find the reason the RO was filed. Talk with your attorney about challenging it...what grounds was it filed under?

I agree. You don't have kids so even if you get it lifted, you're probably better off staying away from her -- but it's the principle of the thing. It just *looks* bad to have a restraining order against you. It's like you're dangerous or something. So, if she just made up 'causes' against you, then fight it on principle.

Then, stay away from her anyway so that she doesn't find other causes.

Mys

I think it's because I was snooping on her trying to find out if she was having an affair. dunno what reasoning she used though.

It should be a simple enough matter to find out why it was issued, and see what your options are to challenge it. If you didn't threaten violence, or do anything else really foolish, there should be no true basis for it.

jrlex,

exactly what methods did you use to snoop?

also, if you don't mind me asking, what concrete proof did you come up with to prove a PA?

i tried to read most of your story. i am really really surprised no one is talking more about how you exposed to "her entire contact list." was the contact list from a personal or work email account? i know you used your work email account to send out the email but what i am asking for is did you get her WORK contact list or some personal email account's contact list.

how many people would you say the exposure email went out to?? If my work email list were to be used, that would be over 120 addresses, some of them to large groups of people. the majority work. in my humble opinion that would NOT be appropriate or helpful for that matter.

and all this: "Long story short I was having an EA through email with an ex-girlfriend over the summer. Combined with pornography issues (downloaded videos on my pc) and some photos of my wife for my personal use (without her consent) and this eventually led to our separation.?"

That is huge!!! you took photos of your wife without her consent???

and so she moves out.

next thing i hear is you freaking out because you think she is having an affair.

what are you doing to make ammends for your EA and for violating her the way you did?

i'm not saying she is justified to have an A (again, i am curious about the solid proof you have). I have no doubt she is/was having an EA. possible without really realizing it.

but a PA?? how do you know this for a fact??

i personally think the advice you are getting here is making things worse.

i suggest you get some real professional guidence.

i apologize in advance if i missed some important posts that would of answered my questions above.

Sorry to hear she's already filed, JR. I'm convinced when a wayward spouse moves out and says he/she is filing for divorce, one must take action accordingly. I wish I had been wrong in your case.

Accepting the offer for the home is moot now, isn't it? That's part of the community property and I doubt the court will allow the sale to be finalized.

You really need to get to your attorney and get solid legal advice. For right now, it's all you can do. When the dust settles a little, perhaps you can work on reconciling. For now, protect yourself.

jrlex, you out there?