I'm here. The nature of which I obtained proof of the affair is questionable and so I cannot discuss it here, sorry.

Yes, I wish I had been a little more discreet when emailing the letter I did. I think that made matters worse and so she filed 2 days after i exposed. She is really disgusted with me. The last time we talked she said that would be the last time we talk. I didn't think she was serious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm ready for the appt tomorrow with the attorney. I'm not sure what can be done for me at this point. I'm pretty sure Kansas (where I'm at) doesn't have an adultry law. Even so, all I really legally have is proof of an EA, phone records, trips out of town with OM, and OM at her apartment all the time. Guess I'll just go see the attorney and see if she can do anything for me. I'm convinced my marriage is over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Kansas does not have an adultery law. It's a 'no-fault state'. The attorney will tell you that it doesn't matter whether she had an affair or not. Kansas also does not recognize 'alienation of affection' suits from what I've read either.

I checked this all out 3 years ago shortly after my own d-day.

While I totally understand how devestating this all is (been there myself), this is one of the prime reasons why I always try to tell people to be careful HOW they expose the affair. The message that should be communicated is that you're requesting their help in recovering your marriage, because you love your spouse.

Anything else just makes it look like a childish tantrum...and given the way you exposed, might be part of the basis of lawsuits against you.

Alas, we can't dwell on the past. You exposed. We all told you too. Maybe you told too many people, or didn't communicate it the right way. What's done is done.

Moving on - I can feel how devastated you are. I'm very sorry to hear about all of this.

Let's think about some things here objectively. What did you expose? Her adulterous behaviour. Remember that part.

How long ago did you expose? Less than 2-3 weeks ago? I believe that's the case, if I remember correctly. I would stay in a "I'm going to take every legal measure I can to protect myself while still Plan Aing as best I can while staying still and letting the dust settle for the next couple weeks" type of plan. Don't get into a war with her, spend some time with friends and family and distract yourself.

It's not over til it's over. And YOU decide that - papers don't mean it's final. Ds can and have been stopped. Reconciliation does occur after D. It's all a matter of whether or not you want to if she comes back.

I think that she filed for D out of anger. Duh. So, what does that mean? Anger fades, and if you work a Plan A (If you want to, that is) you will get a better feel for the situation in a short while. Don't rush into something...like she did.

There's not a lot he can realistically do to Plan A, at this point, because she has a permanent restraining order against him that prevents him from contacting her even through a 3rd party.

Even if he gets that restraining order lifted (not a bad idea possibly) he's probably better of keeping a respectful distance so it doesn't get reinstated with better evidence.

I think your best bet, jrlex, at this point is to cover any and all legal bases you have and to get as much info as you can about what was said about you in that R.O.

Mys

Oh. RO in place? Yeah, very true Mys. In that case, go with the long plan I presented AFTER the RO is lifted. Who knows, she may want it rescinded. Stranger things have happened.

JR, I know this week seems bleak and cold. Things don't seem to be going your way at the moment and the legal system seems to be stacked against you. He11 of situation, huh?

Been there, done that…and worse. Lots of folks have faced similar things and we’re all pretty much happy again and getting on with very productive, satisfying lives. Guess what? You will too.

Look, JR, life is not a computer game and conflict resolutions don't occur when you press an <Enter> key. Things take time to work themselves out. You made mistakes in beginning the process of reconciliation. So? I’ve got news for you. You’re going to make more mistakes as you progress through life. We all have. Leave those mistakes behind, JR. Hey, learn from them, but don’t let them bother you overly much. Let all this play out. It takes time. Let it.

For right now, deliver yourself into the hands of your attorney. I think you said you have a woman for a divorce attorney. Good. I don’t want to seem sexist but my experience is female divorce attorneys are among the very best. They are true bulldogs.

Follow your attorney’s advice in all matters relating to fighting the divorce petition (and the bogus restraining order). Don’t try to be nice and negotiate things yourself with your WW. It’ll come back to bite you in the…whatchamacallit.

Important: Let your lawyer handle ALL matters relating to divorce. As for you…well, you only talk marriage with your wife. Put another way, refer all the bad things to your lawyer and you do Plan A whenever you have an opportunity, okay?

Now, detach yourself a little bit from all the problems you’ve been facing, JR. Let them work themselves out and reorient yourself into doing productive things.

Example: I read a story one time about a mountain man traveling in the Rockies (circa 1830) who’d been “treed” by a grizzly. It was clear the bear wasn’t going to go anywhere for a good long while; the man was held captive in the higher branches of the tree without food or water by the bear which was pacing up and down underneath. Later, when asked what he did next, the mountain man said, “There wasn’t anything I could do about it, so I took a nap.” When he woke, the bear had tired of waiting for the man to drop into his lap and the bear wandered off. The mountain man collected his rifle and such trade goods as weren’t spoiled by the raging bear and went on his way, not much worse the wear.

JR, we don’t have grizzlies around much anymore but that story can be applied to all kinds of situations, and yours is included. Take things easy, okay, JR? Be still and let things play out. Whatever happens, you are going to come out of this sane and whole, even a little wiser, okay?

Hang in there pardner.

Longhorn,

That was a good story, but I can't help but think how lucky the mountain man was. He could have fallin out of the tree while he was sleeping.

So I say distract yourself, but don't close your eyes completely. That should increase your chances for survival.

JR, Hang in there. Treat this like Plan B without the letter. If you're having trouble coping go rent Telladaga Nights. That usually solves all of my problems.

SHAKE N BAKE JR, SHAKE N BAKE

Thx everyone! You all have been a blessing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I spoke with the attorney and yes, she is a bulldog. She made me feel better about the financial and legal aspects and explained the TO in the divorce petition for me. She will file everything for me and so I have trust in her experience and expertise. I will leave all that in her hands and I do feel better already. The RO she is confused about as well as the reasoning for my wife to file. It states incompatibility but then states later in the petition I was unable to fulfill marital duties. She said tose are 2 different reasons. She is movong to recind the RO and work everything out for me. I guess the rest will be up to my WW.

Once again I thank everyone for your continued support, suggestions, advice, and just good 'ol kind words. I truly appreciate it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Way to go, JR. Let the bulldog take the load for a while. That's what you hired her for.

Oh, btw, your WW is about to come up against a brick wall she doesn't even suspect is there. Like criminals, wayward spouses plan only for the "best case" scenario. In her mind, everything's going to work out the way she wants it to and you'll have no choice except to agree with what she's proposed. She's about to discover that the rosy, self-serving scenario she envisions for all of this is going to go out the window.

Some fractures may well occur in that fantasy land she's been building with OM. Watch for your chances to do a good Plan A with her.

By that I mean…wait for those opportunities to show her you're a strong, attractive male (no, not a bully!). Instead, you're rounding into good physical condition about now, right? You're setting yourself up for success by making sure your boss sees how bright and valuable you are, aren't you? Heck, you've already started that woodworking project you always wanted to do, and you’re three chapters into that book you wanted to read because everyone’s talking about it...or is that four chapters?

And, oh, by the way, you're courteous and solicitous with your WW (even when you're telling her "no") right? You refer all questions about divorce to your lawyer and refuse to discuss anything but marriage with her, correct? You’re anything but a doormat, right? Got it? Good.

How're the antidepressants working out, JR? Don't you dare stop taking them now that the pressure is easing a little. I've seen too many people decide they no longer need the meds and stop. Don't you make that mistake.

Hang in there pardner.

((Jrex))

Howdy Partner, hey been following your story from a distance. Then I saw that you were from the Wheat State. I live in Salina. Don't know what area you are in but if'n you're around here I know a little bit about the atty's and Judges in the area, if'n you ain't from around here I know a little about the process in Kansas....

Feel free to e-mail me wbill70@yahoo.com

My attorney actually stated that the spouse may decide to come back when her "fancy pants" don't fit anymore. However she also feels she may be in too deep with the OM since it would appear the affair has been going on quite a bit longer than I even expected. I really do feel my WW thinks I would not even hassle with an attorney and make a fight of it. Surprise!

I did get a nice pay raise today at work ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My review was very favorable and my boss was really happy to tell me the news, especially since I haven't had anything but bad news lately.

I sure hope I get the chance to prove myself to my WW. I have nothing but love to give even though I feel much hate at times.

As for the AD's, yep, I'm still taking them. Thx for suggesting I stay on them. I definately will. I haven't needed to take very many of the Xanax (for anxiety attacks) so I think I'm doing good but I will stay on the Effexor. Other than that my nerves to seem kinda shot. My hands are very shaky. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But I will hang in there and I will survive no matter how this ends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And thanks for the tip LostH.

haha

Your attorney says fancy pants, I say fantasy land, but it's all the same. Sounds like you got a good 'un, there JR. Congrats on the promotion too.

LH

JRLEX,

I know this isn't very MB'ish, but, honestly...at 31, and the issues you two have with each other, and now the way your in-laws have drawn a line in the sand... I think you might really just take what you've been given and run with it. You made some really stupid decisions last year, and paid the price. Your wife is making other stupid decisions now. You have really nothing holding you two to each other anymore. Finances are really just debt. No children. It would seem to me, that this might really be a situation where you both need to move forwards, grow from counseling and experience, and apply it towards your walk in life.

I know what it is to want to save a marriage, and I don't discount that at all. But, from my perspective, you would be better off in a shorter amount of time, if you just let your attorney handle this and get out of it for as little cost as you can... sorry dude.

-hang in there

My WW visited my grandparents yesterday. She had some items to give them for me. Just some misc stuff, a couple bills which she apparently got out of my mailbox, the rest of our checks which she took the liberty of tearing out all the carbon copies of checks she'd written, the keys to my car and house.

My grandma had the nerve to ask my WW if she was pregnant! Of course she told her she wasn't. I hope she isn't but you never know. She also told my grandma the OM is just a friend. (sigh)

Be still...be patient...

'
Good thinking!



My Grandma would do the same! And she lives in Kansas...



Doesn't sound too bad, although I know the thought of it sucks. I recently closed down joint accounts with my WW a few days ago, moments before handing her the PBL.

As for the "giving up because you are 31 ka ka" - that's your choice, not anyone else's JR. If you want to hold out til the ink is dry or beyond - then do it. Take whatever actions you feel are appropriate, and make choices you feel you can live the rest of your life with. If you still love your wife, want to be happily married again, and want to continue hoping then do what you have to do.

We support you no matter what you decide. You've got the right idea: Be patient, be still.

God Bless,

Well, I know I would regret wondering if I had done every possible thing to save my marriage years down the road. I don't want that on my conscious. Believe me, I know it would be so much easier to just give up and let the ball roll down hill. I don't know if I can have what I want (my marriage back and stronger than ever) but I will try with everything I have for my own sake.

Part of me hates my WW for what she has done/is doing. But there is still a part of me that loves her or the woman I fell in love with and I will not let go until she forces me to do so.

Nothing new.

But I guess no news is probably good news at this point. On another note I am feeling better about things. I seem to be in better spirits. I'm being careful not to get off the AD's. Maybe I'm withdrawing from WW, afterall, I haven't spoken with or seen her in over a couple weeks. I think I finally realize I'll be ok (IF) the divorce goes through. If it happens I'll definately look at getting into a divorce care group.

Thx again everyone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi jrlex,

I think once we've reached a point where we have grieved over a lost loved one, something inside of us lets go as part of dealing with tha loss. It gets easier to let go and even were they to come back and say "I'm sorry, will you take me back?" you may even say "Are you crazy? And have to go through all that all over again??"

I know because I have seen people who have reached this stage, which is why plan B is important to protect your love for your spouse before the continuous LBs strip it away forever. I'm also kinda going through this stage, and my greatest fear is of her leaving and also of me NOT wanting to take her back even should she 'wake-up' later.

I'm getting there quickly. Last night was the showing of Cirque de Soliel I had bought tickets for. I got them for her for Christmas. She took OM instead. She also took OM out to dinner last night. Nice to see my money is going to good use. It's gotten complicated financially. I'll have to have my lawyer take care of that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just so you know I cannot close our joint checking account because of a joint loan we have at the same institution. So far I have been unable to get her name off the note. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That is what's holding me up there. I canceled her card and I have the checks. So far she's taken out her paycheck, then used her debit/check/credit card and spent about $200. My mom was right about what my WW would probably do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> These are huge LB's for me and I'm starting to lose what love I have left for her.

This sucks!