Can you open an account in your own name and have the payment for that loan be deducted from your own account? That's what I did until he signed the form to release his interest in the car. I had that account open with only the required $5 in the savings account to keep it open and the payments going automatically to it from the other account. It was very easy for my credit union to set up and they were very understanding of the circumstances.

I constantly see the OM at her apartment. It aggravates me to no end. I don't know if I have any love left for her. I was finally able to get the banking situation taken care of and we no longer have a joint account. I did notice she went to Edward Jones (where we have our retirement accounts) last week. At first I thought it was to change information but then realized she's probably out of money. I really believe she is pregnant and I don't believe she would keep the baby. I think she has too much pride and has taken this lie way too deep. She will not admit to fooling around and doesn't want to look bad after lying to her friends and family. She truly is not the person I once knew. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good that you secured your finances, cause a WS will use up your $ to further their affair. I would secure your retirement accounts as well. If OM were truly wonderful, he should be able to provide for her financially... if not, well, a dose of reality is good for her, don't you think?

No, she is not. She is a different being at the moment, a WW. She will not be that way forever.

I agree, secure all of your assets immediately. Don't broadcast this to her, of course. Just protect your finances as much as possible.

Of course it hurts to see your WW at the OM's apartment all the time. Solution? Avoid OM's apartment. You know it's going on, there's no way around it. The only thing that can stop a WW at a certain point is...a WW. You have no control over the matter, and in time, she may come to realize the path she took wasn't the right one.

Irreparability, pride, and stubbornness play a part in a WS's thinking - you mention that she may not keep the baby IF she is pregnant as a result. I concur, that may indeed be the case. Remind your WW that there is a way home, that everything can be repaired, and so on if you still entertain the thought of having her back. That seed will plant, and it doesn't hurt to get that message across to her occassionally.

Hi, JR. Looks like your WW is becoming quite mercenary, doesn't it? It's typical, pardner. Frankly, expect nothing from her save for behavior such as you're seeing now. Remember, she's an unprincipled alien beamed down from the mother ship to wreck lives. It’s what they do.

I hope you’ve taken action to protect your retirement accounts though you haven’t said so. Surely your attorney can prevent them being looted. Again, don’t expect praiseworthy conduct from her…or the OM…at this stage. Ethics mean nothing to adulterers.

You can also do yourself some good by stopping your trips by your WW’s apartment. Pardner, get on with your life. Do not drive yourself crazy checking by her home, hoping against hope his car won’t be there. Accept the fact the OM is going to be there whenever he can be, particularly if your WW is pregnant. I’m afraid you may be setting yourself up for a harassment/stalking charge and you must avoid that at any cost, okay?

Hang in there, JR. Let things work themselves out. As you said, you WILL come out of this okay.

Yeah, I try not to look but I drive by her apartment on my way to my parents house all the time. Where they park is visible from the main street. I guess I could take the long way around to avoid seeing anything but I hate to go out of my way for that purpose.

As for our retirement accounts, they are seperate. We have to physically go in and sign to do anything. I'm OK there.

I guess what I feel is that the divorce will go through before she realizes she screwed up. I think she's still enjoying her "fantasy land." At this point I feel too many LB's have caused my love for her to drain. In fact I'm finding myself wanting to make sure she pays for her actions should this divorce go through. I feel guilty for these thoughts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You will cycle through all sorts of emotions in this. Remember your dignity, you want to protect it. You are also a changed man, remember? A loving husband who is doing whatever it takes because you disagree with the path she is taking. Resist the thoughts of "punishing" her and be a gentleman. Don't feel guilty for feelings you have that are normal. I liken it to "It's ok to be angry. It's not ok to act angry."



That happens, quite often. You can't hang onto that thought, you have to focus on you. If it is comforting to know, in most cases the WS comes back to you in one way, shape or form. (i.e. A phone call that probes you, a chance meeting.) When the affair ends, she most likely will approach you in some manner for her own selfish reasons. Will you still be there or even care?

Go on about your life as if your WW does not exist my friend. It's the best thing you can do at this point for YOU.

I also have to drive by OM's apartment if I want to go downtown and have a drink in the square. I go out of my way now to avoid it. Yes, it's a pain in the [censored]. It's for my overall health and well-being that I do so. I'll go out of my way as long as necessary to avoid seeing that.

I didn't know her apartment was on a route you use regularly. No, don't avoid passing by but don't make a point of looking to see who's there either. Don’t let what she does set your agenda at all, JR.

JR…I'm going to say something I don't think you (or anyone else) should carry to extremes. It is simply this: I don't think that some degree of anger directed at your WW is wrong, particularly when one considers the vandalism a WS does to a marriage and to the betrayed spouse. I think it will be wrong if you let the anger possess you though. Don’t let it consume you and color every thought you have from one moment to the next, but don’t feel guilty about being mad at what she has done, and is doing. I seriously think anger is entirely appropriate as a reaction to some of the “in your face” things your WW has done.

Further, I really feel a little detaching from your WW is a healthy thing at this point. She surely has from you, right? Now might be a good time for a frank evaluation of her character (including her flaws), JR, and it may be a good time to ask yourself whether you can really see yourself with her in five years. I don’t mean you should abandon attempts to recover your marriage, but perhaps a “cold-blooded” assessment of what you want from life, from a marriage, and from a partner will be of help to you. Just a thought…

well an update is in order, i recon.

We had court several weeks ago to modify the temporary orders. Thas was a shocking experience in itself. Just the number of people there dealing with divorce related cases was astounding! The courtroom was packed!

So, my attourney had ours set for conference but had a couple other cases go to hearing so I wandered around for a bit. Eventually I lost my attourney and my WW lost hers and we somehow ended up on the same floor with no where to go and nothing to do. I decided to make small talk and asked how she was doing. I could tell she had no interest in being near me. I asked why she hated me so much and she stated she didn't hate me but was disgusted with me. We had a long discussion and she ended up telling me she knew I was watching and listening in on her conversations. Even asked what made me think there was even anyone on the other end. I believe ethis was desperation, grasping for straws. She finally said we were getting divorced and that it was final.

So we went to conference, she in her room , me in mine. Our lawyers went back and forth between our rooms trying to settle all disputes and everything was settled with the exception of property. According to my attourney my WW was readt to finalize everything right then and there. Because we couldn't agree on property we decided it was best to try and resolve this at a later date or take it to court, which would be bad for me. Luckily for me she is not trying to get alimony, which her attourney was quick to point out.

So I left the court house and decided to wait and see what happens next. The restraining order was removed and found bogus so score one there for me. I have no desire to contact her anyways. I really felt (after the 1st court date) everything was over. I started to hate my WW and thought for sure this was it and I was over it all. But she's called several times and only made my feelings more confusing. We've been very civil and I've been able to express my feelings through very lengthy phone conversations. Confusing to me because she could have asked to stop or hung up at anytime. One key question I'd asked is if she realized that everything up to this point can be reversed and that we could still stop the divorce. She actually replied that she thinks about it sometimes.

So I'm back in limbo again, not knowing where I am anymore. I feel I have accepted whatever decision she decides but I feel I should try to save my marriage until it is final. I started writing a letter with all my feelings and hope to finish within the week. I don't know that she really let anything I say sink in.

so i wait...