Post deleted by charlieg

Realize that both have ENs which the other spouse is NOT meeting. This is causing a gap in their R.

Seems one may be bordering an A and the other maybe covering it with comfort food. At least that is the way it looks.

However, it also looks like he is an H who can't tell his W how he really feels. He may be worried about her health but her dottling on him may wear her out but she sees no reason to cease....yet if she stopped a bit, may be it may give him a chance so strut his stuff for her....boost his ego if he is given the opportunity t/d things instead of being waited on hand and foot.

JMHO,
L.

charlie, he may have an emotional need called PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS and this is very important to him. For many men, one of their top needs is sexual fulfillment. The PA need plays into this because men are visually stimulated. They NEED to have a spouse that is attractive. This is a legitimate emotional need.

She should be grateful that he is loving enough to be truthful. That means he must love her enough to tell her what it takes to stay in love with her. Her weight is causing him to fall out of love with her and he wants to prevent this. Love is NOT unconditional. It is not to her either. Heck, she is already talking about how her marriage is over just because he dared to mention how much her weight bothers him. So, she does not believe in "unconditional love" herself. She only wants it applied to herself.

So, tell her to stop feeling sorry for herself and go kiss and thank her husband for having the nads to tell her the truth. Then go lose the weight. He must want the marriage to work or he would have just left her, as many do. She should be grateful for that. In the meantime, I would get her the following book so she understands the importance of meeting emotional needs in a marriage: His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. You can buy it on this website.

Some good reading that might help your friend:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Emotional Needs: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Physical Attractiveness http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html

Meeting The Emotional Need For
Physical Attractiveness

Letter #2

Dear Dr. Harley,
After many months of struggling to lose weight and look nicer, I've come to the conclusion that what you have written is hurtful, hateful and belittles women. While I have failed miserably to lose all 80 pounds, I have changed my eating habits (no more than 15 grams of fat a day) and exercise 5 times a week. I have lost a grand total of 35 pounds. All this to try to lose some weight so my husband would continually accept me. I have come to the conclusion that if my weight means so much to others that they are encouraged by people like you to shun me, they are not what I want. I can't help my looks as they were given to me by my mother and father. You ought to be ashamed of yourself to think that marriage is only of value when the wife is thin.

Before I read your book, I was fat and happy. Now I am a little thinner, and angry. I am sending in my membership to NOW as people like you who are so immature as to rely on a woman's outward beauty need to be exposed!

Sincerely,

R. J.
Michigan



Dear R. J.,
Everything you say about the need for physical attractiveness can be said about any other emotional need. It can be applied to the emotional needs for affection, admiration, conversation and all the others. I have counseled men and women who ask, "why can't I be accepted for who I am? Why does my spouse expect me to change?" There are spouses who are unaffectionate, have no interest in sex, don't like to talk, would prefer not to earn a living, refuse to pick up after themselves, lie about everything, can't say a complementary word ... I could go on and on.

Why should physical attractiveness be any different? It's not easy to meet most emotional needs, and physical attractiveness is no exception. Of course it's hard to lose weight. If you found a way to lose weight without any suffering, you'd be rich in no time. Those of us who are predisposed to be overweight (I am included) fight hunger all our lives. Why do we do it? I do it for a host of reasons, health, for one. But another important reason for me is that I want to look as good as I can to my wife.

You want to be loved for who you are and not what you do. So do I. We all do. But the reality is that you have not loved your husband for who he is, but rather for what he does. If he did not meet any of your emotional needs, your feelings toward him would have changed considerably from the day you said, "I do." You married him because you loved him and you loved him because he met your emotional needs. If he were to stop meeting those needs, your love for him would fade away.

You may feel that being overweight is a trivial matter--that there are far more important considerations in marriage than physical appearance. But I leave that judgment up to each spouse I counsel. It's not for me to tell them what should or should not be important to them. They tell me. And many tell me that it's important to them for their spouse to lose weight.

If your spouse tells you that your loss of weight would meet one of his most important emotional needs, you have a choice. You don't have to lose weight. In fact, you can choose to gain weight. He will probably accept you no matter what you weigh. It's not a matter of acceptance, its a matter of whether or not you're meeting his emotional needs. What I suggest in His Needs, Her Needs is that, in exchange for your spouse meeting your emotional needs, you meet his and lose weight.

You've lost 35 pounds. I know you are very angry, but what you've already accomplished is terrific. Losing weight is one of the more difficult challenges of life, I know. I hope you'll build on your achievement, lose the rest of the weight, and in spite of the sacrifice, be happy you did it.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502b_qa.html

And women wonder why men sometimes won't be "radically honest" with them??? At some point, if she makes this out to be more than it is, he will say to himself... "I wished I just would have kept my big mouth shut"

I can probably count on one hand the number of men I know who really ARE attracted sexually to women that are overweight. Most however would be reluctant to tell their wife how they feel about this because of hurting her feelings. Would she still be attracted to him if he stopped showering for weeks at a time? Would she say anything to him? Is it possible that what he says is his truth?

People say they want the truth and then react with "don't tell me that", when they get it. He said he still loves her. He said he wants to help her.

My guess is that SHE would more than likely feel better about herself if she lost the necessary weight.

Sometimes when we are sensitive about an issue in our own life, we end up making it a bigger issue than it really is when it is brought to our attention...

Make your advice simple...

"Lose the weight and see what happens" MOST men have a very high need (preference) for an attractive spouse. He may have felt this way all along,but felt it would hurt her feelings (and he was right) and secretly has wanted her to lose weight for quite a long time. Who knows why he didn't say anything before. Maybe he tried the subtle approach. Maybe he heard someone make a remark about her weight that he wasn't supposed to hear. Maybe he was waiting for her to ask him. Maybe he is attracted to another woman. Maybe she should ask him why he never said anything before.

Sounds like she is having a hard time facing the truth and is trying to deflect this by focusing on his love for her. Steer her back to the fact that it MAY be the only issue to him is what he actually said. Her weight.

Her marriage DOES have hope snce he told her the truth. Many men won't tell a wife this because they are too scared to be honest. Apparently, he cares enough about her and the marriage to take that risk. If she really loves him to death, she will lose the weight for him because she knows it makes him happy.

From Penalty Kill

Charlieg, this fall I started having some problems with my upper back. My H, who is a very blunt individual, said, "Well, you are getting a little....soft. You do a lot of cardio, but your muscle tone could be better. That's probably why you're getting these twinges".

Did I get mad at him? Did I say that he must not love me, that he has to accept me unconditionally?

No. I took his words to heart and got a personal trainer (female) that I work with 3x/week. I work on my own on the other days. My H just joined the gym and we now go together on the weekends, something I always wanted him to do with me. So it's all good. And he's been noticing and commenting that I look and feel much stronger.

I'm glad he was able to tell me how he feels. I know that one of the needs my H has is an attractive spouse. I would hate to think that he is turned off by something that I could easily do something about.

Perhaps your friend could look at her H's honesty as a good thing, and a chance for them to exercise and plan healthy meals together. But it's wrong of her to be mad at him for telling her the truth.

Also, love is not "unconditional". That's just not realistic, IMO.

Very wise Penalty.....

Us men aren't really as complicated as women sometimes think we are.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We move away from boredom and move toward competition and our next new challenge.We like attractive women and deep down feel good when we are with a woman that others find appealing. You challenged him when you started looking better by workng out. He responded as I would have expected.

For those women reading this... This works in other areas when a man is acting distant. Your natural reaction is to hold on more tightly, when in reality, he is moving in his natural direction away from boredom and itching for a new challenge to conguer. This is why so many men who have been left for the OM suddenly wake up and can't do enough to "save the marriage." They didn't have a clue for years on end no matter what the wife tried. She finds another man..... BINGO.... Happens over and over on this site and goes right over most heads..... Their new challenge is getting you back and having the best marriage in the world.

Good job Penalty. Are we really that simple? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

From Penalty Kill


Isn't that the truth! My H is a very intelligent guy who says exactly what he means. He has all the subtlety of a mack truck at times.

I shouldn't generalize, but I do think that he's fairly typical for his gender in that respect.

From Penalty Kill

Charlieg, this fall I started having some problems with my upper back. My H, who is a very blunt individual, said, "Well, you are getting a little....soft. You do a lot of cardio, but your muscle tone could be better. That's probably why you're getting these twinges".

Did I get mad at him? Did I say that he must not love me, that he has to accept me unconditionally?

No. I took his words to heart and got a personal trainer (female) that I work with 3x/week. I work on my own on the other days. My H just joined the gym and we now go together on the weekends, something I always wanted him to do with me. So it's all good. And he's been noticing and commenting that I look and feel much stronger.

I'm glad he was able to tell me how he feels. I know that one of the needs my H has is an attractive spouse. I would hate to think that he is turned off by something that I could easily do something about.

Perhaps your friend could look at her H's honesty as a good thing, and a chance for them to exercise and plan healthy meals together. But it's wrong of her to be mad at him for telling her the truth.


PK I think love is unconditional because I am a mother and I come from a horrible family and yet I love them. Love is unconditional but stay in a marriage to someone is. If they are not meeting your needs no matter how much you love them you would want to leave because they make you unhappy.

So I say a better saying would be that my love for you is unconditional but me staying with you is conditional. If you mistreat me I am gone. Just my .02

D.I.G.

Post deleted by charlieg

From Penalty Kill


DIG, thank you for your thoughts. I hear what you're saying, and I don't disagree.

I do think that love can be eroded through time and bad acts, in much the same way as it can be built up through meeting needs. For example, my mother and sister, through their actions, have eroded the love that I should have for them. Right now, I have distanced myself from them - call it loving detachment. I wrestle with feeling guilty that I cannot feel much love or respect for them while knowing that I must maintain my distance for my own health and that of my marriage.

FOO (family of origin) issues are very difficult to sort out.

From Penalty Kill


IMO, no. But I do understand what you're saying. Read further:


Ah, the dreaded word "should". Here's what I think: if your friend really wants to lose weight, she should do it for herself. That means that she has to initiate the activities. It sounds like she is more comfortable with letting her H take the lead. That will not work in this case.

If I had told my H that he should go to the gym with me, that would have gone over like the proverbial lead balloon.


If my H wants to snack at night, that is fine with me. I can always get my butt off the couch and go work on my Pilates reformer if his snacking troubles me. Or I can get out the strawberries and carrot sticks. Also, I disagree with watching a lot of tv. I don't have one in my bedroom, neither do my children. There are a lot of very good reasons for this.


I think that you definitely have identified an important issue here. You could read about Giver/Taker mentalities.

Post deleted by charlieg

PB I have I agree with you 100% on the whole FOO issues. In saying that I realize that comparing marriage relationship to FOO is like compaing apples to oranges. I had to stay with my FOO. I choose to stay with my H. If he treats me like my FOO did I am out of here.

As far as the whole weight issues go I have had my share of ups and downs. My H does not have problems with my weight. I wear a 12. However when were doing the LB Q'aire he told me he had a problem with my ED. He knows I am working on fixing this problem because I am in IC for it so when he said that it was an annoying behavior I was kind of hurt. If anyone have any suggestions I am all ears.

D.I.G.