At this point in or recovery I have a question I would like to ask of both BS’s and WS’s . I often feel as though I am asking too much of my DH to forgive me of the A I had. I feel that I am the one who did this to us and he is the one who carries a burden. I have read often on the boards that the BS never forgets (understandably), but is it fair the ask someone to stay married to the person who has caused them so much pain? How will he ever be able to look at me without seeing the women I was at the time of the A? I know when I look in the mirror I see her. I have worked very hard on the changes I must make to not be her any longer. We are both proud of ourselves and each other for what each of us has accomplished so far. Hard work, to say the least. I know I still have a long way to go. It just seems so unfair he has to go thought all this, and still has to end up with me. I feel he does not deserve to be with someone he can not trust always, in any situation. I will be her some day, but I will still always be the women who betrayed him, that can not be changed.

This also affects me. Will I be happy if he never can trust me? Will I feel his equal in this relationship? Will I get better at asking for what I want; right now I do not feel I have the right to ask to have my needs met by him. He does try, but the rollercoaster does take it's toll. He has ever right to be anger, but will I reach a point where I will feel confortable expressing what I need to be happy? I feel very unconfortable asking him to meet my needs while he is trying so hard to deal with the mess I brought to this marriage.

Is it really worth it for the BS to stay married the FW.

i had something longer in mind i was going to post, but i'll just shorten it to this:

it all depends on how you treat him.
simple as that.
YOU, will make it "worth it", or "not worth it", by your actions and words.

it's then up to him whether he chooses to keep it.

Something can be "worth having", and yet someone may still choose not to pursue it.
Whether he chooses to or not, does not determine whether it is "worth the effort".


Hmm.... in my 3rd reading, it sounds a LITTLE like you may be looking for an excuse to not put in the effort yourself.

Getuo,

The answer to this is to realize that it is HIS choice to remain married to you and he has made that choice. Yes it is unfair that he has to carry that burden, but it is his choice, he obviously loves you that much. This should make you happy not sad.

Further, you don't need to ask him to forgive you, he will when he is ready and he will do it because he will come to realize he must forgive your himself, not you. By the same token, you must forgive yourself for yourself. You cannot keep looking in the mirror and seeing the woman you were during the A, but the woman you are now.

If you want to really build your marriage you had better start asking him for what you want. He needs to be needed by you, and the best way for that to happen is for him to be told what you need and then thanked when he does it. It lets him know that you appreciate him and his actions. One thing that will help him is if he comes to feel that you respect him for what he has done and is doing.

You will find that he will come to respect you as well. More importantly he will and probably already does see you far more favorably than you realize. That is why he is still there.

Oh, and he NEEDS you to be his equal. It won't be recovery if you don't become his partner, with your head up and deciding you really WANT to be married to this man, and SHARE you life with him.

REcovery is tough stuff of that there is no debate, but you know it can be fun, if you start to enjoy the fact that your marriage is there, and the man you are with still loves you.

I must go, there is much to say, but I will close by telling you that you need to trust him. He has CHOSEN to remain married to you, and he is working with you to make it better. Him meeting your needs shows him that he is needed, but you must start with clear and simple things first. And then let him know how much you appreciate them.

Must go.

God Bless

JL

Have you taken the questionaires and discussed them?

I did; she started to but I exposed the affair before she finished and we could discuss them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

we have read the Harley books amoung others and are doing 1 exercise per week. What questionires are you talking about?

Thank you so much I understand most of what you say in the rational way, but appling it is more complicated. I have found for myself I try to take on only a couple issues at a time, otherwise its too much. I feel the best thing to work on now is being more open about what I need, and expressing better how his actions and words can hurt me (in a possitive manner)?!?I want him too feel confident he can met my needs. I see how this will help us both. I love it when the light bulb turns on. Thank-you!!!


Further, you don't need to ask him to forgive you, he will when he is ready and he will do it because he will come to realize he must forgive your himself, not you. By the same token, you must forgive yourself for yourself.

I'm am working on this one. I understand, but I guess I'm not there yet. I keep hoping after I feel I have made adaquite change I will start to forgive myself. There are times I can be very hard on myself, and others I feel I'm doing OK. ALOT depends on how he is doing.

getuo,

You said
Presuming that you wrote this right, may I suggest that you NOT talk about how his actions and words hurt you. Instead talk about the things he does that make you love him and want to be with him. If you do this, and you keep expanding on things he does that you love about him, then when you simply say "that hurts" in response to what he says or does that hurts you, it will have power.

Lots of words of praise for the good things, and "that hurts" for his failures. The message will come through.

What do you think.

God Bless,

JL

"How will he ever be able to look at me without seeing the women I was at the time of the A?"

The best way to address this stumbling block is to figure out for real why you had the affair and then convince your H you understand it. Get him to understand it too, in other words.

Then let him connect whatever dots still exist between then and now.

Many BH, if not most, spend a lot of wasted emotional energy beating themselves up for things they had no control over, had no choice in, and could not have prevented. Help him stop wasting precious energy and time on these things and you will both be able to focus on things that matter, things that will genuinely heal.


"I feel very uncomfortable asking him to meet my needs while he is trying so hard to deal with the mess I brought to this marriage."

It takes an average of two years or the length of the affair, whichever is longer, for the BS to get past the devastation and substantially heal. Patience, patience.


"Is it really worth it for the BS to stay married the FW."

Personally, I don't know. I don't think any BS knows for sure. Perhaps you should look at it this way: It certainly can't be the same marriage, not even the same relationship, any more or ever again. It must be something completely new, as if from scratch. As you must now become someone new. Thus, the new relationship will have to be judged on it's own merits and in it's own time.


With prayers,

^

How are you doing, Qetuo?

Qetuo--

There are so many things I can't put into words about my feelings from day to day when I look at my wife. I love her, no doubt. But I am still struggling with the pain of the realization that she chose (multiple times) to toss me aside for another man -- to give to him what should have been shared between just the two of us.

It is a lot of pain.

One of my big issues is the impact this has had on my self-esteem. I don't know if my wife sees what you see when you look in the mirror (a woman who had an affair), but when I look in the mirror, I struggle with seeing either a loser whose wife decided she'd rather be with other men who were better than him and seeing a man who has stood his ground for his family and not taken the "easy" road of divorce.

Do you know what your husband sees when he looks in the mirror?

The other large issue for me is security. As many on here have read, I am searching for the "WHY".

Why did my wife decide to do these things that are so counter to her upbringing and internal moral compass?

I think there are two "WHYs" involved.

The first "WHY" is "Why were you attracted to this man over me?". In my case, they were more attractive, outgoing, fun, liked to talk, interesting, etc. Some of these issues I can work on -- may require changes on my part, but I'm working on being the kind of man that is attractive to my wife.

The second "WHY" is the more important and certainly the one that is wrapped up in a sense of security: "Why did you decide to cross the line that you knew was clearly defined and decide to have an intimate emotional and physical relationship with another man at the expense of your family?". If I could get my wife to help me feel safe that she understands the answer to this question and has or is taking steps to ensure she is fixing that hole in her values, then I'd feel worlds more secure in our marriage. As of right now, all I get is, "I was being selfish."

I consider myself pretty average which means at least half the population of men will be better than me in any area on any given day. So there are a lot of men out there more attractive, fun, outgoing ....... than me. If I knew my wife understood how to keep herself from crossing that line again, I'd feel safer opening my heart all the way up to her again.

You are posting here, qetuo. That has to bring your husband a tremendous amount of comfort and good feeling knowing that you are honestly and willingly seeking advice and help in this time.

For your husband's part, his job is to find it within himself to meet your needs in spite of the pain or anguish. He has to show you he loves you just as you need to show him you love him. The Love Bank and Emotional Needs concepts are based on this -- showing love for each other in meaningful ways.

You should not be going through recovery feeling like a slave or a whipping post -- you should feel like a partner in a marriage that is dealing with a serious problem. Make sure you're open to the ways your husband is showing you love and that you don't "filter out" his efforts and miss his demonstration of "WHY" he chose to stay with you despite your infidelity.

I think he clearly loves you. That should always bring you comfort.

Blessings