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I have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old and 11 year old (from a previous relationship). My husband and I began having problems after the birth of our daughter.
We attempted counseling one year ago, but had to quit soon after starting due to work scheduling conflicts. We have not been back since.

The last seven months have been an emotional roller coaster. We have seperated (very briefly) twice and he started proceedings for a divorce but we always "tried" again for our children. We have only been back together for a few weeks but things were going really well this time.

A few months ago I began having an affair with my ex'fiance and have just discovered that I am pregnant. My husband has had a vasectomy and so there is no chance that it is his.
Both the ex and my husband are aware of the situation. Of course the ex wants to keep the baby and my husband thinks that we can get past this if I abort.

I am ashamed of what I have done to my family and I fear what my friends, family, coworkers and church will think of me, but I am still torn about having an abortion. I still have it in the back of my mind that my husband will leave anyway or that the marriage will fail anyway.

Any advice on my situation is truly appreciated.

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Do not even consider abortion. That child is an innocent person in this and regardless of how he/she was conceived, you have no right to take her/his life away because YOU made wrong choices. Again, TWO wrongs DO NOT make a right.

As far as what will happen, I cannot even tell you. I had a child of an affair and she is now 8 months old and we are still nowhere near recovery, BUT there are people out there who do make it.

At this point you cannot worry about what your ex-fiance or what your spouse wants. You need to figure out what you want. Do you want your marriage or not? that is the question you need to honestly answer.

You brought up church, there is a GREAT book I just read "Marriage Undercover" please pick up... simiar situation including the baby. You will see how just about anything is possible. It will give you hope and will answer a lot of your questions.

I pray that you will not consider abortion anymore because no matter how bad things get, you can still seek God's Grace, forgiveness and will.... however, if you allow Satan to get a hold of you and you committ yet another horrible sin, you will never forgive YOURSELF.

(((((((hugs))))))))


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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McBecca how did you get your husband to accept the pregnancy? How is he with the baby and is the other man involved? Yesterday was the first day that he knew anything about the baby or the affair ....so I am hoping that he will accept the baby in time. I am praying that God will help him on this one. I feel so terrible about what I have done to my marriage and my current kids. How did you explain to your children? Yours are around the same ages of mine?

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Ok, first and foremost, this baby is innocent. If you feel that you want to try to save your M, you need to consider other options for the baby. If the OM really does want the baby, why not go through with the P and give the baby to the OM to raise? You mentioned church, so in the eyes of God, no one sin is greater than another, right? So, he says to not take another life and to not commit adultery. You are already living the consequences of adultery, do you ALSO wish to live the consequences of murder? The bible does mention abortion, only not with that term, in the bible, where if a woman who is pregnant is killed, and the baby is also killed, that person has committed murder on two people. So, talk with your H, see if he would be willing to allow you to continue the P and give the child to OM. Of course, the OM will probably freak out, and say that YOU should keep the baby, then tell him if he doesn't want the baby, you will look into adoption. Right now, the OM's feelings don't matter one smidgeon of a fraction of a percent! If you wish to save your M, you H is your first priority, and the life of this child is very important too.

I have survived BOTH adoption AND having my H raise the OC. Now, out situation it was vital that OM didn't know of P, since he was displaying violent behavior, stalking us, and had threatened my H's life. SO, he was never told, but my H knew from the beginning. We have never done a DNA test, because OC IS my H's DD, just as much as our other 2. Speaking of other 2, our oldest, yes my H's and my child, we gave up for adoption over 19 years ago! We have recently reunited with her, and you would be amazed at how great it is now! I will not go into anything more on that on the public boards, but just know that you CAN survive it.

You need to read everything you can on these boards, You can do a member search for Sailorman59(my H) to read our story. His job is such that he rarely posts anymore, but I am here just about every day. It IS survivable, but you BOTH have to work, and a lot of the work WILL be on YOUR side of the coin. BUT, it can only work if you BOTH wish to save your M. Look at your states laws for any legalities concerning the baby and your H. Post here often, and I would also recommend you showing your H this site. Unfortunately, there aren't too many H's who are raising the OC that post anymore, but most of the advice is still the same.

Please, don't give up, and don't jump right into an abortion! There are just TOO many consequences and after effects! If your H still insists, how bout finding a local "Crisis Pregnancy Center" and have them talk to him and show him the evidence of what abortion does to the mother AND baby! There are so many other options, and if you are worried about what your children think if you choose adoption, well, you can use the CPC for help in that as well! They are an awesome group! If you are so worried about how others will view you if they find out about the A, think of how things would be if they find out about the A AND that you had an ABORTION!

Ok, 2x4 is now put away. Please, consider what I wrote! I speak from experience of all except abortion. You CAN survive this, and so can your H. It won't be easy, but we are, as my signature line says, 6+ years into recovery and our dear sweet Abbi will be turning 6 next month! It hasn't always been sweetness and flowers, but look at it like a rose, something SO beautiful, but it still has thorns. NOTHING ever comes easy in this world, you have to work for everything, including a happy marriage.


Tigger
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Quote:

McBecca how did you get your husband to accept the pregnancy? How is he with the baby and is the other man involved? Yesterday was the first day that he knew anything about the baby or the affair ....so I am hoping that he will accept the baby in time. I am praying that God will help him on this one. I feel so terrible about what I have done to my marriage and my current kids. How did you explain to your children? Yours are around the same ages of mine?




During the entire pregnancy we were convinced she was OURS, it wasn't until she was born (her looks) and a DNA test later that we found out. We moved to another state shortly before she was born and therefore the OM has had no involvement in the baby's life. Not my original choice, I was read to end the marriage, but when we found out the baby was OM's BH decided he still wanted to stay in the marriage and raise her as his child WITH THE CONDITION that OM is not involved. Reluctantly, I agreed. However, if you go to the General board where I have several posts you will see, we are still not reconciling or working in our marriage.

BH went from accepting and genuinely loving the baby and wanting to stay married to wanting a divorce.... it is a rollercoaster so be prepared. Unless your BH deals with the pain and emotions, and seeks HELP immediately, it could be a while before all of that is resolved. My BH has chosen to suffer alone, no counseling, no friends etc. So he is nowhere near healed or seeking to be healed. It is a very stressful situation.

We haven't told our other children yet, BH does not want them to find out. However, he did say if we divorce, he would want our families to know WHY because he doesn't want to look like a bad guy leaving me with 3 children.

To be quite honest with you, only a miracle can save these marriages. Mine is far from being saved. I do not know from day to day what will happen. It takes years I guess for all the dust to settle. If you were unhappy BEFORE the A in your marriage, the A and the OC simply complicate things 100% more. So my best advice to you is for you and your spouse to seek spiritual counseling.


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
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KM, welcome to MB. Have you read the site concepts? Have you and your H read "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. I also recommend "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder which is a Christian book. We do have a couple of men here that are the betrayed husband raising the OC. K and pops are the two that come to mind if your hubby would like to come here.

Tigger will be great support for you as well as Autumn Day if she drops in. McBecca though struggling still in her M has also been in your shoes.

I do beg you to not consider abortion. It does not fit with you being a Christian and you will live with that pain the rest of your life. How does your H feel about raising the OC as his own? In some states if a child is born into a marriage, the child is considered legally the H's not matter the DNA. You may want to explore the laws of your state OR consider giving the child to the OM to raise. Either way, we will help you get through this. For right now, please focus on healing your marriage and going NC with the OM.


Faith

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Faithful, I have not read the concepts yet. Thank you I will do so.

I called another church today hoping to do some counseling with that pastor in the next Week. I am sure that my husband will be open to that. I know that he doesn't want to see our marriage end....he just wants to close this door and get it all behind us.

My husband doesn't want to raise the baby as his own. Well, as of yesterday he didn't. We didn't discuss it at all today, we are just acting like things aren't happening I guess. He did hand me my wedding ring this morning and he is still taking me out for our "date night" tonight. I think that the biggest thing that he is concerned with is what his parents and friends and other people will think of him for sticking with me if they are aware of the situation.
Remember he has had a vasectomy and most people are aware of that.

As for NC with the OM. He is the only person who is against the abortion at this point. Our conversations are ONLY about the situation and I'm able to tell him honestly what I think and feel. He is not even pressuring me to leave my husband, he just wants me to do what I need to to be happy AND of course keep the baby. Yes, he would raise the baby but it's not an issue of me NOT wanting the baby...it is more of me wanting to hide what I have done.

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Quote:

I called another church today hoping to do some counseling with that pastor in the next Week. I am sure that my husband will be open to that. I know that he doesn't want to see our marriage end....he just wants to close this door and get it all behind us.




Ok, counseling, good, getting it behind you, well, that doesn't happen over night. It takes much work, on both parts of the marriage partnership, to get past something like this.

Quote:

My husband doesn't want to raise the baby as his own. Well, as of yesterday he didn't. We didn't discuss it at all today, we are just acting like things aren't happening I guess. He did hand me my wedding ring this morning and he is still taking me out for our "date night" tonight. I think that the biggest thing that he is concerned with is what his parents and friends and other people will think of him for sticking with me if they are aware of the situation.
Remember he has had a vasectomy and most people are aware of that.




Acting like things are normal, well, good and bad. Bad, because they AREN'T normal, Good, I say because you aren't fighting at the moment. This HAS to be dealt with. As for hiding it, well, my H had a V as well, 6 years BEFORE this. Most, if not all our family knew this. As far as I know, the only direct family(brother/sister/mother/father) that still doesn't know is my brother. Here's a doosy for ya, when mil and fil found out, mil took it upon herself, even after H BEGGED fil to keep her from doing it, told that WHOLE side of the family, "all because we need to pray for them"! Well, the only thing that did was cause a huge canyon between H and his mom. H's brothers support us 100%! And, honestly, if your H does decide to be a daddy to this child, it's NO ONES business how or why, they need to just accept it and respect him that much more!

Quote:

As for NC with the OM. He is the only person who is against the abortion at this point. Our conversations are ONLY about the situation and I'm able to tell him honestly what I think and feel. He is not even pressuring me to leave my husband, he just wants me to do what I need to to be happy AND of course keep the baby. Yes, he would raise the baby but it's not an issue of me NOT wanting the baby...it is more of me wanting to hide what I have done.




STOP IT AND STOP IT NOW!!!! If anything, your continued contact with OM is what has your H so upset! He can't trust you and until you prove to him that HE comes first, that trust will never come back! You will NEVER be able to totally hide what you have done! You will either live with one of three things:

1. the guilt for the rest of your life over taking the life of an innocent child
2. Wondering for 18 or so years if you will see this child again
3. Raising this child with your H in a happy loving home.

I CAN BE DONE!!!! Our innitial, knee jerk reaction to the positive preg test was abortion, but God stopped that in it's tracks! Then, we considered adoption, having done it once before. I totally left the final decision up to my H, because I WANTED TO SAVE MY M! Some people think that doing something like that is unhealthy, but it was our version of POJA(policy of joint agreement). It wasn't an instant decision, I think I was about half way through the P before my H made his final decision.

How early into all this are you? When did you find out you were expecting, when did you tell your H about the A? These things are important, because dealing with an A is like dealing with a loss. Your H can and probably will go through the stages of grieving. You can make it through this, and so can your M.

I'm not sure how much help this is, but if you have more specific questions, please don't hessitate to ask. I am here to share what we went through to help people like you!


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
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NC, complete NC with OM. That is the only way to begin to earn your H's trust again. I will call out to pops to get the man's perspective for you.

Great post, tigger.


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I agree with the calls to stop any and all contact with OM.

I am also not afraid to suggest that you give serious consideration to terminating the pregnancy before you get too far along. It's not your H's child, will only create an excuse for OM to continue contacting you, and will create a constant reminder to your H of your infidelity. If it were my W, I would insist on termination as a requirement for staying in the marriage.

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From my last LMP I am less than 4 weeks which surprises me that I know this soon from a HPT. We have looked into termination and it can't be done before 6 weeks and the baby already has a heartbeat by then so I am against that.
The pastor from the other church called me back and we have an appt with him on Monday.

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Wonderful news about the appointment!


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Quote:

From my last LMP I am less than 4 weeks which surprises me that I know this soon from a HPT. We have looked into termination and it can't be done before 6 weeks and the baby already has a heartbeat by then so I am against that.
The pastor from the other church called me back and we have an appt with him on Monday.




So, from the bold print, it seems that you won't be terminating. I have to say that I'm happy you won't be ending a childs life, just because of the way they "came to be". There are SO many verses in the Bible that talk about God knowing us before we are even formed. Think about that. This child has a purpose!

How is your H doing at this time? This is so obviously fresh for you all that he's probably still in such shock. Have you told him about this website, or has he read anything here yet? I think one of the things that did help us was that my H had already known about the A before we knew I was P. We had already decided we were going to work on our M. So, this, for us, was one of those bumps or potholes in the road to recovery. We got stuck for a while, but made it through. We worked through our own version of the MB principles. That's the thing about them, you can use them as a base, guidelines to follow, but you can also add your own twists to them. I think that's why they are called the "Basic Concepts".

So, for now, don't worry so much about what you are going to do about the P, but see how this appointment goes in Monday. Have you done the EN questionare? Have you done it with your H? I really suggest you do these and soon. If your H is leary of it, don't include ALL the stuff, like the agreement at the end just yet. BUT, if you guys don't know each other's needs, how can you work to fill them and fill those love banks? At this time, YOU, being the WW, are going to be doing a lot of the work. I speak from experience. It's NOT going to be easy, but you can make it through this. As I said before, we are closing in on our 7th year of recovery, Abbi is almost 6, and we are still together, still happy. We have our moments, but all couples do. Marriage isn't easy, but it can still be rewarding and fun.

Keep us informed about your appointment on Monday.


Tigger
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Went to counseling today. Overall it went really well. We discussed that I had had an affair and that it was over now and my husband stated that "this is just another bump in the road that I'll get over." My H would not let me bring up the pregnancy though, he stated that he doesn't want anyone to know about it so I am assuming that he still is very determined that I need to abort in order to stay in this relationship. He made the comment before we went that the pregnancy is what makes him the most mad about the situation.

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kaelinmom,

I think you are missing something here. You are getting great advice from the ladies that have posted to you. Listen to them.

What I think you are missing are two pieces of information.

1. Your H is very embarressed about this pregnancy as he feels it reflects on him as a man. I think you have not consided the effect of the vasectomy on his view of himself, and then to have another man impregnant you, is really a challenge to his manhood. The ONLY thing I could offer you as a female corralary is a infertile woman finding out her H has impregnanted another woman. Please think about this.

2. Your H has no faith that the OM is going to be out of your lives if you give birth to this child. And legally this really might be the case. Your marriage was struggling before this, and now you will have contact with OM for the rest of your life. He has no confidence that you won't choose OM. If you abort, that worry is gone.

I may not be correct but I would strongly suggest you consider these two points and discuss them with your H. You will need a plan for the future and that plan is to include what to do about OM and his rights as a father, a very very touchy subject in this day and age.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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JL...your post is correct. I know that those are the issues he has about the pregnancy, you have almost quoted him verbatim. I would probably feel the same way if I were in his position.
Looking forward I need guidance on what to do. I do love my husband and want to work on my marriage but I have a terrible feeling about having an abortion (like something bad is going to happen to me or my kids) as a punishment if that is what I choose to do. I am sure he will not be willing to change his mind, abortion is the only way to continue our marriage. My other concern is that if I don't do what he wants and my marriage ends, my husband WILL fight for custody of our daughter. I could not bear to lose her. ( I know I should have thought about that before getting myself into this mess.) Ugh.
As for the OM, he is 34 and has no children of his own. He raised my son until he was almost 3 and he was an awesome dad to him. Despite the situation he REALLY wants me to continue this pregnancy and is willing to support this baby 100%.

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kaekinmom,

First please note that I am a male. I am not pro or anti abortion. I think abortion is necessary in some cases, but I don't think it is an acceptable form of birth control.

I also think men get the short stick on this situation becuase they really don't have a say on this topic. Given that, my thoughts are that if you don't want to abort this child, you should NOT do it.

Your H may well come to love this child, certainly other men on this site have done that, but I will say as a father of 3 children, most men I know don't bond with children until they are born. Thus your H's feelings may well change after the birth of the child IF you OM is out of the picture and your H has a chance to adjust to this.

You also said
Quote:

JL...your post is correct. I know that those are the issues he has about the pregnancy, you have almost quoted him verbatim. I would probably feel the same way if I were in his position.



Well, if you would feel the same way, what would you need to see and have done to change those feelings? That is what you need to consider and address. If you leave things as they are and continue contact with OM, you have forced your H into a corner where his only option is to fight his way out.


Quote:


Looking forward I need guidance on what to do. I do love my husband and want to work on my marriage but I have a terrible feeling about having an abortion (like something bad is going to happen to me or my kids) as a punishment if that is what I choose to do.



I cannot address your feelings of doom, many women have abortions and their other children are not harmed. I would guess that any punishment would be self-imposed. I do think your children are going to feel the consequences of this if you do not abort as the middle child will likely lose his/her father. The older one will lose someone that has played the role of father. And the child you are carrying will lose what?

I don't think punishment is the right way to address your decision. I do think your moral standards are a much more useful as a measuring stick for your decision.



Quote:

I am sure he will not be willing to change his mind, abortion is the only way to continue our marriage.



I am not sure either, and frankly it is not something he can know right now. Neither can you know it, he may change his mind if other conditions in the marriage support him. So far I see no indications that they do. YOu have had an affair. You are pregnant with OM's baby. You have OM waiting in the wings to step in and replace your H. You have contact with OM. What are YOU going to change in this picture to give your H some confidence that he is at least a little respected?

Quote:

My other concern is that if I don't do what he wants and my marriage ends, my husband WILL fight for custody of our daughter. I could not bear to lose her. ( I know I should have thought about that before getting myself into this mess.) Ugh.




Let's see it is alright for him to lose her, but not for you to lose her is that the point? He has been sterilized and cannot have any more children, but it would be fine for him to lose his child and see her occasionally but that is not true for you???? You do realize that vasectomies are often NOT reversable don't you? I presume he did this because you two decided NOT to have any more children right? You were part of that decision right?

If you are staying with him because you don't want to lose her, your marriage has no chance.

Frankly, you are about to have 3 children by 3 different fathers. THe mess you talk about is really YOUR making and it is not going to get better unless you do some serious changing in your thinking and your approach to life. I suspect your H is not willing to take the emotional risk, the financial risk, nor the humiliation of being married to you and raising another man's baby, unless YOU change how you view things. You have to date not offered much in the way of changed thought have you?

Quote:

As for the OM, he is 34 and has no children of his own. He raised my son until he was almost 3 and he was an awesome dad to him. Despite the situation he REALLY wants me to continue this pregnancy and is willing to support this baby 100%.




Of course OM wants the child to be born. He gets something he does not have, AND he gets to break up your marriage. But, is he willing to support your other children 100% ? He has not raised your other son for as long as your H has but somehow, he is an awesome Dad and your H is what??? Don't you see even thinking along these lines is really doing a number on your H? Don't you see how you are humiliating your H and rubbing this in his face?

Don't you understand why your H has taken the approach he has? He cannot win. To your H there is no avenue by which he can some self-respect and will lose respect in the eyes of his friends, your friends, his family, and your family. You have to come up with some ideas to NOT corner him into an either/or decision.

Talk to the man, but understand if continue to humiliate him, consider the OM as a viable out, and bring OM into your marriage, you have left no place for your H to go, but out.

Please think about this. I hope the ladies here can offer you some advice and counseling on how to address these issues with your H.

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kmom~

I know your H is firm on the abortion, but I honestly believe if you go complete NC with the OM, your H may very well change his mind about the OC over time. NO guarantees of course, but I CAN guarantee this-- if you keep up this C with OM, your M will not recover.

There's no reason to continue C with the OM, none whatsoever. He is nothing to you. He isn't even anything to your child-- unless you/your H choose for him to be.

Abort the OM-- not the OC.

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kaelinmom,

Quote:


I have a terrible feeling about having an abortion........





A lot of us share that feeling.

Quote:


Abort the OM-- not the OC.





Few words have ever been spoken better.


Quote:


my husband WILL fight for custody of our daughter.





If you read much of what is on this site, you will see that the courts are usally on the womans side when it comes to the kids. He may fight, but odds are you would win.

I like most of what JL has to say except for the obvious. Your H manhood has been challenged, does not mean that this can not be overcomed. Odds are that if you STOP CONTACT with OM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will have a MUCH better chance at saving your marrige and your baby. Equate OM to Crack Cocain addiction. They are both difficult to kick, but it must be done. It can be done.

Give your H and your baby a real chance.

TH

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J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
TH,

I am curious what part of my post did you not agree with? Just asking.

JL

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