My appointment is in less than 2 hours..

Very good analogy Vike. I am giving her justification everyday - and she is more or less telling me that. Lighthouse is a good visual on what I need to do.

I have reflected on how I treated her when we first met (she could do no wrong) and how I got to be her biggest critic in the past 4-5 years. Now I am telling her that her choices (OM) are stupid. That response is telling her she is right.

Mike, I have 50/50 after a judge saw what my WW was doing... in the next 6 months I will probably have full.

Its a bit of a uphill for father's but man this is a new age and fathers get custody more and more....

Again words just words.... here what I did that made the biggest difference.

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR CHILDRENS LIFE.

1) Make there appointments, doctor dentist
- if they haven't been in a while get them in and keep
the receipts
- do tell your wife about the appt but don't insist
she be there


2) Meet with their daycare teacher's and explain to them what is going on, also express to them that you want them to docuemnt all episodes, like crying fits, wetting, outburst, etc.... also buy them donuts and coffee or whatever they like.... your want to get in good with them as they are considered expert witnesses with first hand knowledge of your children.

3) Get a digital camera and keep it on you at all times, document your days with the kids, have friends take picturs of you and the kids. Look for and secure old pictures of you and the kids in happy times. Start a photo album for the courts THIS WAS HUGE FOR ME.

4) Creat a second photo album of anything negative, kids coming back from being with dirty, messes that shey allows.

5) You need to have friends and family around you and your kids and they need to be aware why, DON"T tell them outright your going to have them testify, lawyers will ask if they were prompted to watch, just let them know you want people to observe your relationship with your children.

6) Get them into counseling


So even with 50/50 I don't have to have her agree to everything I do with the kis, like doctor or dentist, I just have to keep her informed. I chose to change dentist for my kids, she got pissed threatened court, and her lawyer said there wan't anything she could do. My WW has the choice to taking the kids to her own dentist and pay for it herself but she can't stop me from taking the kids to a particular dentist when they are with me.

So here comes the famous line.... MAN UP.
Take your balls out of the jar and put them where they belong and you will do fine.

Good morning Mike. I am glad you got over to this board. I am predicting that your thread will be a hot one.

Warning: Do not let your WW find this site. Erase all history from your computer after each log out from the internet. If she finds and reads some of the things that will be discussed here over the next few days she will erupt.

Hang on. This will be a roller coaster. Have you found "Peps Carrot and Stick for Plan A"? It is a must read thread here.

As I told you earlier, I am from the Lutfisk state myself. South Minneapolis originally. Now I am in Denver.

Keep posting and good luck.

Good point about not letting the wife see this.

Mike,

My wife had an EA for about a year. She said many of the same things that your wife is saying. Today my wife HATES the things she told me and doesn't like to talk about them if I bring them up. She is loving and is happy in our M again. It took 7 months of Plan A on my part.

It can be done and you can do it also.

Let us know what SH said.

Best wishes you to and the girls.

Logic doesn't work with WS.

So don't try to fix her or analyze her, her plain of exsistance is not normal so a normal analsyis would only confuse you.

Remember she may look like your wife but an alien is in control.

Also as you build your plan to improve recover your life and start a new chapter, these improvements will scare her as you will gain control.

1) she will verbally assault you, may even physically
2) she seems to need to inflict pain on you for
justification - when you stop reacting she will turn it
up a notch, this is where calmly asserting your
bouundaries is important

Now remember, and I realized this after a night in jail, she will do anything to convience you its over. She will do anything to convience herself the OM is the right one.

its not about her or him, its about you.

Read carrot and stick, you want to be there loving and caring for her, but you don't need to be a doormat.

Also, never discuss divorce with her. Never make it easy on her. If you play nice she wins points

Thanks everyone.. I am off to spend a night with WW and kids at an indoor water park. If the snow holds off in MN, I will be out of town until sometime sunday.

My meeting with SH went well. Told me to stop setting myself up to lose my temper by constantly trying to catch her doing something wrong. We talked about a lot of other things. He did say that Plan B is a possibility if either I cannot keep my cool or she is really making an effort to upset me. He will "check my pulse" in a week or 2. For now - Herculean effort towards plan A,

Mike -

NO R,A or M talk this weekend from you. You can't control what your wife says, but you can control you.

This weekend you are the BEST DAD in the world and a loving H too. Now go be just that!!!!

good luck minnesota

Mike,
It appears you are doing a great job in your plan A. Keep it up, I know it is hard.

One thing I may have missed is "Have you exposed to the OMW?"

Mike How are you doing?

The OMW is aware of this affair and has even confronted my wife in person. WW and OM feel that they have finally found their perfect match (came to that conclusion within days of acknowledging any feelings at all) so they are out front about it so they can get on with their lives. No hiding it. BUt, still no decision on when she may file for divorce or separate..

Hey Vike -

Thanks for asking. Last night WW and my 2 girls stayed at a hotel with a water park. It was fun - I was doing my best Superdad impersonation. I did not mention M, R or A. Did not ask about her seeing OM during the day. May have been a little easier since OMW bought a plane ticket for OM to fly to see his brother (church bishop) in San Diego. So, he is gone. WW also fried her laptop so she can't e-mail him all weekend from work account.

WW and I slept in the same bed for the first time in a couple of weeks. Of course i liked it. After a while she was OK with us laying close together. We did kiss a few times - but it is obvious she is very cautious. To be expected.. Actually, we kiss several times a day and she does say she loves me (but "not in love with me" has been said during arguments).

Today WW took the girls to Mall of America for a birthday party. I am scheduled to drive 2 hours to see my mother in the nursing home (she has Ahzheimers) and then I was going to spend the night with friends up there. My motorcycling buddies plan to meet me for beers and a sauna (I'm from a town where everyone is of Finnish descent, so sauna is the normal Saturday night get together). I wanted to stay with WW and kids tonight since last night was my best Plan A day yet. But, maybe some space is good too.

I am going to go workout in the basement and then check the weather b4 heading north. Twin Cities may get up to 14 inches of snow tonight thru tomorrow so there is still a possibility that i am home. If anyone has a suggestion on whether a little space after one good night is a good thing or not, I am open to it.

I'm really glad so many people are concerned and helping me.

Mike,

Think about exposing to this church bishop brother in San Diego. Make sure he has the whole story and that you want his help to fight for and save your marriage. He could be a powerful ally if he has the whole truth direct from you.

I do't know him. OMW tol the side of the story she knows.. I'll see if I can snoop around and find out who he is. He is a Mormon bishop in San Diego. I nkow his last name - maybe that is enough to track it down through the church..

Mike,

Stay home with your wife and kids. Dont go out with friends. That would give your wife ammo to say "see Mike goes out with them and doesn't spend qlty time with us." May not be true, but in her head right now it could be.


OW is gone and the laptop is toast (whadidja use - salt water?) LOL. Now is the time for you to shine. Lots of snow coming (I'm in Wis) so why not get a few movies for you and the kids, get dinner to go or make something really good. Popcorn with the movies. Just make this weekend so much about you, her and the kids. One thing that OM doesn't have on you is you and your wife have kids together.

My 2 cents

I put my $0.02 in for that plan.

Now you have $0.04

So stay in limited contact with OMW but keep tabs... OM and WW if they are soulmatetis will feel the infection grow before it wanes.... You need to balance your Plan A, its not to drown her, if she is protected by having the kids and the laptop is fried, then go see your mom. I would limit your party time during Plan A, but at the same time don't be a doormat or hermit.

The fact that she allowed for kissing is a HUGE sign, its a sign that she is fencing sitting, now if you don't get caught in your own fog you will be able to read the WS script better than she will... You need to be prepared for next week to have her be cold again, in love with OM again. Its called a rollercoast for a reason, you will want to hurl.

Mike, let SH be your guide, of course, but also listen to what Viking is telling you. He's a little further down the same road your WW is taking you. His advice is darned sound stuff and he knows first hand how difficult it is to hold to a steady plan of action.

I did go out of town and visit Mom. The Ahzheimers is getting much worse. Didn't do much for my mood. Hung out with a couple of friends, but I wasn't much in a conversation mood. Only one of them knew the situation.

When I got home WW was on the phone telling her Dad (he has been in Mexico for 3 weeks). I also talked to him. He was sad it was happening. That was about the only reaction. I am sure it was quite a shock.

WW set up a hotmail account. To be expected. I saw parts of one e-mail to him. In it she mentions a future with "our kids" - after 3 weks they are talking about having kids - he is 45, she is 40. So I suppose they can't wait much longer and that is a topic of conversation with them. I did ask her what the hurry is. She said it is "financial" and that she is so sure he is the man for her. I asked her not to let the kids be in 2 divorces. I was calm and did not get upset. She didn't like it that I pointed out the hotmail url in the browser history. Maybe that isn't something I should be pointing out. It is killing me to not ask her what they talk about - kids, sex, money, lawyers - everything. I know it doesn't get me anywhere.

I am doing my best to do Plan A. Obviously hard when the wife is accelerating towards the OM. It seems like there is a high likelihood of failure of this new relationship for her - so I am holding out hope.