Ok, how about putting the custody of the kids post D aside for a moment...that can be decided later.

How about if she leaves in the near future? Are you still going to let her take them with her? Are you ok with letting them be uprooted and exposed to her A and the OM?

You're not playing them, you're protecting them...how many people are here telling you she cannot be a good mother to them right now, including FWW's who have been in that same situation?

If you get to the point where you are actually going to D, then you can discuss permanent custody arrangements then.

But I'm telling you, you should get a temporary order to keep the kids with you in their own home, should she move out to purusue her A, pre-D. Don't let the kids be exposed to that ugly mess.

Here is a simple question someone asked me back in the fall when I was going thru this.

"Do you want some other man playing daddy with your kids?"

any BS Fog I was in was gone with this one question (thanks WAT).

Mike -- it SHOULD be UGLY.
Or are you going to step out of the way to prevent her from feeling mad or angry? She is using anger to manipulate you. So what if it gets ugly? You have nothing to fear. She does.

How exactly do you think you are "playing" your kids?

She is an unfit mother right now. You said she has neglected them to spend hours on the computer and phone every night. How is that being a good mother? Do you think that is going to change when she moves????

IT WON'T. Her affair is her #1 priority right now, not her children.

Please listen, Mom and I have been where your WW is.

Mike,

It doesn't get any more REAL than these two great pieces of advice. You WILL be relegated to an EOW dad, miss out immeasurably in your children's lives, and more than likely your daughters will see a woman go from man to man in search of something that is missing inside her.

Ugly or not, your children come first as they did not ask to be here (for that matter neither did you, only the WW is getting "what she wants".) You have some real thinking to do IMO

Mike,

It’s one thing if the court gives your WW custody of your children; it’s another if you WILLINGLY abscond from YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to protect them. I know you are now making excuses of why it would be best for your children to be with their mother when the real truth is that maybe deep down inside you do not feel ready to raise them by yourself. This fear is understandable. But you know what, you have to face it and rise above it. Your children need you, and you are the only responsible person who can do right by them.

Sometimes life throws us a curve that we may feel that we are not ready to deal with. It is my belief that God never put something on our plate that we are not yet ready for, even though if may feel otherwise to us. I know you have it in you Mike, and I know that you can do this. Don’t get me wrong, it will be hard as h*ll, but just as millions of other men have risen up to this same challenge in the past, so can you. The issue really is whether you will let you fear prevents you from protecting your children, notwithstanding your possible rationalizations and excuses for not doing the right thing here.

Btw, did you know that children raised by step-parents have a 40% more chance of being abused by these step-parents than if they are raised by their own biological-parents? Are you willing to run the risk of one of your DDs being molested by one of the countless OMs that your WW will surely have by the time they are adults? The choice is yours, but you should never claim you did your best if you don’t fight for your children.

You can on insist on several things in custody...

No overnights of the opposite sex while the children are with the parent

No communication with OP in the presence of the children, phone, txt or email

No OP introduction until the parent has dated said OP for 6 months


Mike I didn't know if I would be a good dad post separation but I didn't have a choice, those are my kids. I have the privillege of calling them my children. If your not a good father now, then man, grab your balls and become one. Its not about your WW wants it about YOU living to your greatest potential, has a man, a husband, but most importantly as a father.

We are tough WS, but we are tougher on BS that live in their own fog.

Mike remember this your WW is an alien the more you change the more you improve the nastier she is going to get, because she isn't changing, everything she is doing is destructive to her, to her kids to her world. So she has to prop up her reality and that is by tearing you down.

You have responsibilities to get your own lawyer and protect your assest and your children.

I never thought my WW would leave the children to be with the OM, but she did. A lot. They change in this state, they become people that we never thought they would be, Plan A is to lead them back its also to lead you forward.

Talked to my niece who is a family lawyer. She agreed that a court will, at least temporarily, not allow the kids to leave. WW called on the way home. I mentioned no contact from OM in 6 months and WW went ballistic - says the court can't keep them away from her husband (just for clarification - that is not me). Now I am convinced she is not thinking of the kids - I assumed she would get married ASAP.

Updated about 10 minutes later. She says she has no plans to be married in any timeframe. (Obviously looking for a reaction from me) She is getting almost no sleep and I think that is making her extra irrational. You are right Vike - Trout Head. I gotta remember that.

I also am trying to get an initial consultation with the lawyer who will represent me.

I am starting to feel huge Love Bank withdrawls by her. I suppose she is determined to at least wreck anything I feel for her. At this rate she will get her wish.

Hope you are documenting all this.

Her plans/decisions shift from one moment to the next. She's spiralling down. Be extra careful. Keep an eye on the kids, make sure she can't take them and run off or do anything crazy.

She'll hit bottom eventually.

Mike,

You CAN be a good dad and you are in a much better position than your WW is. I've been in your shoes just recently, did not know if I could do it. But I have been doing it for nearly two months now. It's hard, I don't have a lot of free time, but my kids are worth it.

Yes it is ugly (she made it that way)
Yes my WW tries to make me the scapegoat (I don't listen to this)
She says the kids are confused (well Duh, go read my thread and see what all she did)

The question someone asked me was this and I ask it to you now:

Do you want to look in your kids eyes and say you did not do everything you could to protect them?

There's a significant part of her that does intend to get married to the OM asap, whether or not she admits it to you or even herself.

WS's are insane.

get a phone recorder and start taping these sessions between you and her, even when they are in person. Then transribe them into your journal, depending on the wiretap laws in your state even if you can't use the tape, your journal can be introduced.

She is a flipping flip flopper if I have ever flipped one over with my flip flop. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So Mike man to man, you have a choice you are putting great information out onto this forum people are telling you that she is not conscious of what is real or not. You can choose to be a husband and father to your family. You can choose to ignore the WW and wait for the W.

This person who posses the W body is not the wife, you have never seen her in teh past before have you.... then why not plan a and wait.

To this point its been words with OM, even and I hate to say this even if they have sex, its just sex. We are talking about your heart its a very strong muscle physically and spiritually, what does your heart tell you to do.

March will be my 1 year anniversary of my separation from my wife, April 1 will be the first day she can file D. I still love her and I would work on a new chapter with her if she choose.

I have made my choice
She has made her's

What do you decide?

Mike,

Are you out there still. What's happening?

yes, please update us.

I'm concerned it may be hitting the fan since you've been so quiet a couple of days...

hope you and the kids are well.

mom

I'm out here. I have been trying to work - don't want to lose my job too.

Actually, it is strangly quiet all of a sudden. She is not moving out at this point and I am not going full-bore into snooping. She has kept things out of my view, but no doubt the A is continuing and will continue. She is clear that she is not going to end it. DD4 has mentioned that she thinks we are breaking up. I don't want to keep yelling, which solves nothing and only scares her more. I did tell DD4 that Mom and Dad are not getting along and we are sorry for yelling at each other. I think WW and I are settling into a pattern where we can live in the same house. I wonder if the AD's are kicking in a little for me - I feel less angry or hostile.

I guess I am becoming a little resigned to the fact that I cannot make her do anything and just living a plan A for now is probably OK. I am running financial situations through my head just in case. I suspect that talking to lawyers is not far off.

OM's wife told his kids and also got a lawyer.

MNMike, I'm in Minneapolis, FYI. I've been through it but with no children.

What kind of time frame are you anticipating for doing Harley plans?

GC

Plan A - probably 3 months. I think the D will be well along by then. I am not going to fight to get primary custody - regardless of what people out here tell me. Here is some new info for all of you. I did not want to have kids and that was a big problem in our marriage. I knew it was important to her, so I agreed to have them. Don't get me wrong, I love them very much and want the best for them. But I am not the best parent for them. I will most likely have them 12 days a month. It will be a big f'ing mess.

I am not sure if I'll do a plan B. I will play it by ear based on how the next 3 months go.

You're right, that is a mess.

Poor kids...they have a dad who didn't really want them, a mom who wanted them but has since screwed up their lives beyond belief, and a dad who now is going to accept that's just the way it is.

I find it very sad that you believe "she" is the best parent for them. You could be. It seems you don't want to be.

In the end, you're an adult, you will recover. Those kids, never had a chance from day one did they?

and that's all I have to say about that


Mom

Mike, you really pi55 me off. Why the he)) are you even here?

I appreciate the advice so many people gave me. In that advice many people have jumped to conclusions that I beleive to be incorrect. So, I have to take each peice of advice and analyze it to fit what I think the true situation is. Maybe I an in some sort of fog.

I am not saying that I don't want my kids now. That doesn't mean I don't want to have my family in tact. The years with those kids and my wife have been the happiest of my life. I don't want that to change. I don't regret having them - it just took some convincing for me to have then. I am telling you the history of my marriage and it is not possible for you to understand everything in 1000 words or less.

I see almost no chance of saving this marriage- maybe I am at a low point. There are a lot of bad memories being created every day. I am going to practice a Plan A. Isn't that what I am supposed to do? Exposure did nothing - she got a new job and her family supports her. She claims she even has support from some co-workers (I do doubt that).

If she comes out of the fog, I am here. I am not moving on. I don't know what else to do.