I would never suggest such a long Plan A for you.

You wife needs to quickly feel the repercussions of her decisions. Financially, socially, etc.

And that won't happen if you are enabling and supporting her affair.

Maybe this is where i get confused. (1) There is a better chance of saving it if she is in the house... Right? (2)I need to do a good plan A - SH even told me to quite snooping around because I am getting mad and yelling. So I should be nice to her. Right? I do not see signs of the A, although it is happening. If I demand her to stop the A, she will move out, this violating #1 above. If I snoop and get pi55ed off, then I violate #2 above. So, I am trying to be mellow. She has not filed for anything.

Not sure how to make her feel any consequences... Plan B? Doesn't seem to me that will do anything, and it is pretty early.

MM,
You can't demand anything, not even that she stop messing with the OM. That is a Love Buster.

You can say in a hurt tone, but not in a angry mannor, that her relationship with OM hurts you, saddens you… Don’t exaggerate, don’t threaten her.

No yelling at all. Take a walk, anything but no rage, never. No breaking things, slamong doors, but some crying is ok. If her Love Bank is filling up she will eventually start to care about how her A affects you.

Steve is very wise in this. Take your time and her A will die a natural death.

I am going to post once in a while, maybe my sitch will help someone.

I did a perfect Plan A Friday and Saturday. Yesterday the WW, her mother and the DD's went to lunch. At lunch they discussed moving to a "girls house". Her mother is helping her with this! If I were to kick her out now, they could live with WW's Mom. Her family supports each other, even if they disagree, so I am not surprised.

WW made the future sound fun and DD4 said, "Dad, it is going to be so fun when we are at the girls house and I get to share a room with my sister". I left the house to avoid getting really upset. WW spent most of the day researching schools and looking for a new place to live. She is even going apartment shopping with OM cause his wife has more or less kicked him out. WW and OM are going to start out in separate apartments (she may buy a house ASAP after the D). All of this lead to a really bad day for me. I am not sure how Plan A is getting me anywhere - actually, I don't think there is a Plan that will help. I am becoming resigned to the fact that the D will happen - fast.

WW says it should be obvious that she and OM are getting married - "why else would we be doing this"? She says he has asked and she has accepted. WW is throwing out financial arrangements at me that are way better than a fight will get me. I am starting to wonder if I should just take one of the deals. Doesn't feel like a fight will get me anywhere, except give things a bit more time.

((((MM)))

Just wanted to send some warm feelings your way. I'm so sorry that this is happening.

Still

mike, can you believe this from your WW? I can mine said the same thing. We in live NC other man in NY, she told me that they were so much in love that they would live apart for the next 12 years until our girls were grown and then move to be with him. She said a lot of things too, she now has no to little contact with OM.

She is is in a mess yours and mine.... this time right now is not about her, you need to identify what is wrong with you, abastract from her... if you yell and get angery that is not her that is you, improve yourself. Make yourself better..

Think of this if you D and then remarry down the road do you want to be like you are now with someone in the futrure? Not that you need to take crap from a new person but what can you improve in you to make you better. Leave WW in her owm muck let her make her decisions.

You need to use this time to learn to deal with crap, crap from her crap from the world and learn to process and pass it without reacting to it.... Its not over by a mile. WW and OM are going to break down eventaully and she is going to either blame your or run to you.

Its been such a short period, I hate to say, but you have so much to learn and so much to grow so stay strong

Thanks Still..

Vike -

I will not lose focus on improving myself, if I end up with someone else I will really be a ****** of a guy. I learn things about myself every day. WW has accused me of being a control freak, she is at least somewhat right. Works great at work, not the best plan for home. Not being in control right now if very frustrating. I am very much in control of myself as far as emotions go right now - I am actually amazed that I can be in this much control considering what is happening.

I do think it has a chance of falling apart. Reality is going to hit her hard - she has not had to worry about money for years. She will have a budget, and I know that she is not that good with money. Sooner or later her and OM are going to have to deal with many problems. I will be here for her. I am doing my best to not let WW create too many bad memories. Not easy.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Mike,

I'm not an expert but I believe Plan A means something to you.

You know who you are, you know who you've been, you know where you have made mistakes. At some point you need to get to a place where you are at peace with everything, regardless of the outcome.

I agree with viking, work on yourself. Be that person, that husband, that father, that man that you always wanted to be and are proud of. Do those things, make those improvements because at the end of the day that is how you get peace. No one and I mean no one can take this away from you. Everyone will recognize it. Your wife will recognize it, your kids will recognize, your parents will recognize it, your friends will recognize it, her friends will recognize it and you will be proud to say I did everything I could to save my marriage and my family and I did it in the best way that I could and I have become a much much better person.

This process will give you so much strength. You will then be able to speak with strength and confidence about what you deserve and how you expect to live your life. It no longer becomes how you are being treated it becomes about how you deserve to be treated. This becomes very easy when you get to a point where you are at peace with yourself. All the answers are very easy at this time. You don't question yourself. You know the answer. If your being the person you want to be and that's not enough then this simply won't work. It becomes that clear and that clear to everyone else as well.

Make yourself proud. Build strength.

Remember, you are a good man you have a good head on your shoulders and this all works out and if you work on yourself it will be much better for you. Trust, believe in yourself.

WW spent 5 hours with OM today. Shopping for rental property for both of them.

This day sucked.

I think I need her to move out for my sanity.

She accepted a marriage proposal from a married man with seven children within weeks of becoming involved?

Nope, not buying it.

There's way more to this than you know.

Lexxxy

I tend to agree with you. There has to be much more t it. But I cannot find any evidence that this has been going on longer and she is a bad liar so I think I would be able to recognize a lie. But, I used to think I knew a lot about her so I suppose she maybe was able to develop into a liar. One angle to hide it is that this is her ex-boss, so he may be fearful of losing his job or being sued by a former co-worker. I don't know what to think. I came to the conclusion that no matter how long it has been going on, it is what it is now. That is all I can deal with.

I told her it is unrealistic for us to remain under the same roof for much longer. She can live with her Mom, but her Dad is not that thrilled about that. He wants her to pay $1000/mo room and board.

I don't want her to go, but this situation is pretty unbearable.

MM,
You may want to read the sit. of dazednconfusedks

His wife’s A eventually died a natural death and as far as I know they are now getting along.
dazednconfusedks member 44497.

She is lost and in a deap fog. It is as if an alien had taen over her body.

Don't push her out by getting angry.

How is your family supporting you?

I agree with Lexxxy. I also think that you accepting that it is what it is and that's enough to deal with is pretty darn insightful. I also agree that WW shouldn't be there. If NC can't be enforced and nothing can be done to show her any of the negative consequences of her actions, then it's time to up the ante. Let her live the life she "thinks" she wants and see how long that lasts.

It's just those kids. I really, really hate to see her leave and take them with her. And if she does, I bet you let her go with a car, money, etc...which lessens any of the negative consequences that she SHOULD be feeling from her actions.

Tough situation all around. How likely do you think it is that the OM will really come through and set up housekeeping with your WW? Maybe you'll get a break and OM will see some consequences of his own and end the A.

Mom

Show her consequences NOW not later. Don't finance her affair. Move her out. Kids 50/50% at worse!!! (I know what you said but I promise you this that if you don't do right by these kids by protecting them in some small way from your alien WW and OM you will regret it someday and hate yourself; you do what you need to do......PS do know that I am the sole custodian of a 2 yr old son and Ex ww has visitation.)

Is her Dad trying to show her a little tough love? Doesn't sound like a bad idea to me. I was telling my H about your sitch and he said you certainly are enduring more than he ever could. I would have been shown the door by now. Too bad your WW can't see what she is doing to herself. No doubt though, she will blame it all on you until the fog clears.

Your wife is apartment hunting with her affair partner and living under your roof? Disgraceful! She needs to get thrown out of your house. Plan A, plan B, I don't care. I don't see how SH can advocate allowing this person to sleep in your house.

"Girls' house"? Tweaked. I would send her packing immediately, not tomorrow, not next weekend, now. I'd give her as little help as possible. You don't have to be angry. You just have to be tough. This level of disrespect is an outrage. Absolutely unacceptable.

MNMike, please email me at [email]gcloud@earthlink.net.[/email]

She is out on Saturday. I wanted to make sure she could get most of what she needs out on the first trip so she is not coming back. The car is hers and I am going to transfer the loan to her this week. She does have some savings - she works full time and makes $80k so I she will be OK. I can tell you 100% that living with her parents is going to be very hard on her.

What has your lawyer told you about all these matters?

First meeting with Lawyer is next Monday.

I don't have an e-mail account that I would talk to anyone about this with. If I get time for a hotmail account I will e-mail you graycloud..

Not much to say. I am a little relieved that the wife is moving out. I am sure I am not done with the emotional ups and downs, but I see it as a better situation than what I am in right now.

Decided to take DD4 to the MN Wild hockey game tomorrow instead of WW. WW is happy she has more time to look for a place to live. I am going to have fun with DD4.