I had my weekly session with my therapist yesterday, and she talked about me dating while seperated from my H. Her feelings on this is that people don't make decisions until they have to, and if my H sees me going on with my life without him, it may put him into action. Everytime we (H and myself) talk, he asks me about me seeing other men. What do you think? Is this something I should consider? I am tired of being alone and some company would be nice. I don't see myself in a relationship, but dinner might be nice. I'm really confused about this, help.<P>------------------<BR>To thy own self be true.<BR>*Viki<P>

I think you should do what you are comfortable doing. I have thought about the same thing- although I can't because I would not be comfortable. Although, when I asked my W what she would be doing on New Years Eve, i explained to her that I had been invited to a millenium party out of town. She asked who invited me- male or female. I think your therapists is right, but you ultimately have to recongnize your comfort. good luck.

I have thought the same thing but I am not ready. My W has dated and for all I know still is. It drives me nuts but most of all it hurts. Realize that there is pain involved. If you date do it for yourself, not to get a reaction out of your spouse. It may backfire. Just my three cents worth.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Dating to force your spouse to do something would not be very fair to your "date". Plus, (I know something about this because I have been at least that far in to the cycle) it still won't do anything to your H's decision making process until his relationship with OW runs it's course. Initially he is likely to think "great, she's met someone else. I don't have to feel guilty any more. See, this is all going to work out even better than I thought!"<P>But your therapists advice is still sound, so long as you date and "move on" on your own terms and for your own reasons. The pain doesn't really go away until you build a new life for yourself, and let go of the old life. That includes renewing old hobbies and interests, maybe getting your own place, re-evaluating your work, and eventually dating.<P>Once you have rebuilt your life, whether that includes another man or not, the story will continue. It's usually on that time frame that the cheater idiot realizes he/she maybe didn't make such a good choice after all. Suddenly their new partner is only who they are, and not some sort of a hybrid between you and everything they wanted you to be. The relationship comes crashing down and they look over and see you are doing all right. It's at this point that cheaters often attempt to reconcile. They see you for who you are, and you are strong and standing on your feet.<P>Unfortunately, you are strong and standing on your feet. That means you don't "need" them anymore. All of a sudden you can make this decision using your head instead of being pulled around by the heart. No more groveling and begging, taking responsibility for everything, and saying you are sorry a hundred times a minute, when you didn't even do "the deed", they did! You will have your personal power back.<P>Most cheaters find out at this point that their spouse won't have them back any more. Not on any terms and not for any reason. Once a bridge is burnt, crossing the river is much harder.<BR>

I don't think I'd date ... separated or NOT, you're still married ... and you're also vulnerable. (never say never, okay? I did once also)<P>Besides, I think I'd have trouble TRUSTING any other man anyway. Ya know?

Thank you so much. This is some great insite and advice. It is so confusing. What to do? What to do?

MY suggestion .... being a woman and all ..... would be a shopping spree .... or a weekend out o' town shopping .... or going home to see Mom and shopping .....<P>See a theme?

I've thought about this too. My take is like nonplused said, you're still married. On the other hand if you go out for just the company or to be social then I see no problem. It's when we go out looking to replace something that the problems can occur. Good luck and just go with what you feel comfortable with.

Harley is clear on this point. He says don't.<P>For me personally, I think there are factors to be considered. I know that after waiting a year and getting no positive verbal signs whatsoever, not dating seems silly. When you're at the point that you need to do two conflicting things simultaneously, 1) try to stay in the game to save your marriage, and 2) prepare for what seems like a likely divorce, the dating question is much more complex. I'm at the point now where I have started to see men socially, although I know I'm not ready for a relationship. I can even make the argument that this approach may let me stay in the game longer, as I don't feel that I'm depriving myself of something in exchange for what appears to be an extremely unlikely reconciliation any time in the near future. Frankly, I don't see my husband being in a position to reconcile for another year out or longer, based on the lack of progress I've seen so far.<P>These are tough choices and they're personal. But one thing I do know for sure. Don't do it just to get a reaction out of your spouse. That's a plain bad reason that probably won't work anyway. Do it only if you're ready.

I don't want to replace my H. I still want my marriage to work. I just hate sitting around waiting for him. I hate being lonely everynight. I miss having someone to do things with.

Viki,<BR>I can't remember if you have kids, if so , they are a wonderful way to get out of the house and do stuff and get on with your life. If not, your other options are reconnecting with friends, community classes, working out, church, volunteering, sightseeing, hiking/biking, professional/social organizations, support groups for separated.<BR> <BR>That said...I have struggled/struggle with this as well. In fact, yesterday while I was working, a man came into my store and we talked for about 1 1/2 hours. Certainly not a "date" & we had a retail counter between us the whole time, but...I didn't tell my H about it either. I didn't do anything wrong, there wasn't a reason to make the guy leave the store, I was enjoying our conversation--this man was actually speaking (the H has been pretty quiet the last week). I'm the owner, no boss to worry about...oh, my...just the fact that I'm rationalizing means I was probably crossing the safety line. <P>The last time I told my H there was a man interested in me, he told me to "Do what you have to do, Lor". Of course he was seeing the OW at the time and seemed a bit anxious for me to...um..."spread my wings and fly".<P>Anyway, I know I'm not at the dating point, but if my H does move out again, it would be #6 time and I think after a year and a half I might be ready to give up. But only I will know, just as only you know what is right for you. I won't date until my marriage is over FOR ME. I hope that I have enough integrity for that to be when the decree is final & legal. But the thought of someone treating me like they appreciate me is very appealing.

Do ya have any girlfriends you could bum with? Sisters? Mom?<P>Start a new hobby? Start weightlifting (that should scare the crap out of H) (LOL)<P>What about taking a class at the community college? Pottery or something like that ....<P>Take a second job ... hostessing at some upscale snobby restaurant ....

#$%^&**$#@@!#$%<BR>(double post)<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited October 07, 1999).]

Pondvj, I can't believe that your therapist would have you playing games like this.<BR>I agree with all of the above who said no dating. Many gave good ideas on what to do to keep from being home alone. You want the marriage to work and when it does you do not need this hanging over it.

You are all so right. I do have a son, and I spent tons of time with him. I also work-out every day, I read, I have been doing projects around the house, etc. I have been keeping very busy. But there is still that little part of me that thinks about it. I don't know if I am ready or not. I know I want my marriage to work, I want my H back. But how long do I wait for him to get his head out of his a**?

HEY!<P>START YOUR OWN COMPANY! I've thought alot about that ....<BR>

I am so glad you asked this question, for it gives me a chance to share my heart (and opinion).<P>I have been 'separated' from my wife for over 3-1/2 years and I haven't dated anybody but her during this time.<P>The counsel I would like to pass on is:<BR>"dating while separated is like playing around on a slippery river bank".<P>Get the picture? Sooner or later, you will probably 'slip' and fall in.<P>Many times what has ended as an 'affair', began in innocence of two people just going out as friends. Friends began to hold hands, then kiss good-night, then 'bedtime'.<P>I don't think you should date while separated, especially if you are believing for reconciliation/restoration. <P>If you do date, to me; this sends 'mixed signals' to your spouse as to whether you really want reconciliation.<P>Also, to 'date' just to make the other jealous is childish game playing and is extremely immature!<P>Hey! don't think I haven't thought about or even wanted to date. In fact I did schedule a date at the first of my separation, but then went back and cancelled it. <P>I am not beating you over the head with the Bible, but as long as a marriage covenant exists; I don't think you should 'date' while separated (unless it's your spouse).<P>[censored] from Texas

Why do we have to coin someone going out to dinner with a member of the opposite sex a date. Pondvj, I think what vicki said made some great sense. Connect with old friends both male and female. Perhaps there are support groups in your city for people recently divorced/ separated ect. I think it a bad Idea to "date" right now but not to have Dinner with a friend who is male...who knows your situation and can be of support instead of someone trying to bed you. I dont think I'd be ready for that. But I would definelty make an effort to go out and socialize, dinner, movies, to detour my thoughts. Just my Humble Opinion.<BR>ruby