I've been married for 20 years and over the last 5 years my wife and I have become increasingly withdrawn. Things reached a critical mass recently as I had an EA with a woman I met online. The OW is not married but is in a long term relationship. D-Day was on 1/29/07 and NC was established on 1/30/07 but was broken on 2/7/07. There has been NC since 2/7/07. My wife and I have read most everything on this site and have been in counseling since D-Day. I'd like to think we are doing everything possible to save our marriage but something in me seems to be broken. I don't feel anything. My wife has been very loving, trying to meet my EN and make deposits in my love bank but for some reason nothing seems to make me feel. I am trying to meet her EN as well but I feel so numb that it seems my heart isn't in it. I guess I do feel some things... guilt and sadness for what has happened and how I "don't feel". Any advice would be appreciated.

you sound just like my WH. he thinks he is depressed. but i think your (and his) feelings are normal.
as long as NC is in place, you will get better!

Don't discount the withdrawl that you may be going through from the EA. That could take a little while. From what I've read the worst lasts 3 weeks or so, but it could take months to completely let the EA go. I also don't think you're going to fall in love over night. It could take a few months worth of Love deposits to get you back to looking at your spouse again. I'd say give it some time. It's only been a few weeks since NC. I know it feels a lot longer than that but it's not. Your recovery could take as much as a year or two, so try not to freak out just yet.

That was just my opinion. I'm not even to where you are yet in my M. I hope to be in the next month or two.

Good Luck and Hang On

Welcome.

Nothing is wrong with you. It's only been 2 weeks since NC. You are still in W/D from OW. Until that subsides, Love Bank deposits cannot be made.

How long was the EA?

Hang in there. Read HN/HN. Do the exercises.

Coming here and posting/asking questions was a great move on your part. Keep making good choices; ACT in love; feelings to follow...

f

Dude,

""but for some reason nothing seems to make me feel. I am trying to meet her EN as well but I feel so numb that it seems my heart isn't in it.""

I believe what you are experiencing is withdrawal, it's only been 3 weeks since NC. Along with a heavy dose of guilt over the pain you have caused. Plus it's been less than a month since your d-day. The first month is the most intense emotion packed, up-and-downer month of your life no matter if you are a BS or WS.

But COME ONE my friend, you've got to cowboy up and look at this as a life changing experience for the good!!

My wife has been very loving, trying to meet my EN and make deposits in my love bank

You do not realize how LUCKY you are! Your wife loves you and wants to devote her life to you and the marriage.

Get with the program.

QUIT YOUR WHINING AND SNAP OUT OF IT!!

EL:

I feel that this was harsh from Krusht:




But there is some truth to it.

You need to NOT contact the other woman. It will make the pain less, faster.

And if you both follow the policy of Radical Honesty, the Numbness around your heart will start to fall away. Because you will sharing with your spouse on a level that you haven't done for a long time.

LG

Thanks for all the replies. Even the "QUIT YOUR WHINING" one, it is something I need to do!


It started as friends and grew to more over about 4 months. D-Day was shortly after "feelings" were realized.

I feel that this was harsh from Krusht:

Thank you, LG.

I was going to put a <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> at the end of it, but I thought better of it....QUIT WHINNING AND SNAP OUT OF IT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Kind of takes away the intent.

But there is some truth to it.

SOME truth to it??

The guy is wallowing and reveling in his misery. Poor, poor little numb emotionless. Sounds like a spoiled child.

It is probably his defense mechanism.

He cannot see how blessed he is that his wife is willing to
work on the M.

But again, it is a very emotional month.

Do not want to be too harsh on the little guy, that's for sure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

krk